"I still believe that change can happen, though it's hard and it happens slowly."

- 'Are We All Forgotten' - Paper Route.

I'm not crazy about the rest of the lyrics, but
the one verse just kind of fits.
And some of the other parts, if you think
about it in a way that's different then they were
meant.

Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I tried reading, but I got a few pages in to
'I Capture The Castle' -Dodie Smith...
and I just couldn't get into it.
I tried playing Mario for a bit,
but I pretty much gave up the moment I lost one life.

So, I just kind of messed around on the computer.
Not really doing much of anything.
And then it was like some late time eventually,
12 or something, IDK so I turned off the computer and
got into bed. Put the headphones on, tried to sleep.
Cried some.
I realized I had the pillow and blanket that Gowri
always favoured when she slept over,
and that just about did it for me wanting to sleep in the bed.

I don't really know why,
but I decided I wanted to sleep on the floor.

So, I pushed all the junk on the floor to the side,
and then set down 2 of my heavy quilts for
padding and then my pillows,
and I just lay down with the headphones still on and in my pajamas
and the light off. I think I realized later I didn't have anything covering me, so then
I just kind of half pullde on of the blankets still on my bed off.
That was good for awhile.
Cried some more.
Because I was listening to sad music, of course.

By then it was 1AM, but I still couldn't sleep.
So, I made a fort out of my floor bed.
Lol.
I know.
A fort?!
I don't know what I was thinking either.
I took the blanket that I had been using as a blanket
and put a corner by my desk and weighed it down
with a heavy box,
and then I put a corner in the drawer of my dresser,
and the rest was put on the bed so I kind of had this weird canopy.
But it was really low,
so.
I went in there, for like 10 mins, but then I decided to change it and made it better.
So, then I lay down again.
In my fort, and on the floor.
I had forgotten to get a blanket to cover me and keep me warm,
but i didn't bother getting one.
I just listened to the sad songs on my mp3,
and let myself cry.

'Poison Oak' - Bright Eyes came on, and that was when it got particularly bad.

"And I fell asleep with you still talking to me...
You said you weren't afraid to die."

There was probably a lot of times that we had talked until I was right
on my way to sleep.
And the other half reminds me of when she had that slightly suicidal stage, you know?
And I hate to think about that, too.
Because she made me feel so awful about myself then.
Like I wasn't a good enough friend, also and that wasn't reason enough.
Or was she even serious?
I'm not even sure.
It doesn't even matter.

"Then, when you turned away...
when you slammed the door..."

That one is obvious.

"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep.
And all their tearful words would turn
back into steam."

The first thing I ever wrote and was proud of was my poems.
And I was crying myself to sleep, sort of.

"And I never thought that this life was possible."

I didn't ever think we wouldn't be friends.
I had tried to imagine it several times during my
very very depressed months a while back.
And I just...I can't make myself know that she isn't
my friend anymore and that she isn't coming back.
Because I so want it to be that I'm just trying to trick
myself into thinking that to see how it'd feel if
I ever lost her as a friend.

And man, I woke up to hearing absolute and complete confirmation on
another dissapointment.
And....I just hate it.
I hate being lied to, and I hate having such a fucked up life.

And all the time I was in my fort, just willing myself to fall asleep..
the only thing that I wanted was someone to come in, and see me..
and ask me WTF I was doing. To hug me and tell me that things will be
better, but no one ever did.
And I ended up just getting back into bed at 2AM.

Even though I want someone to comfort me,
I'd almost rather be alone.
So that I could make as much noise as I wanted.
I just want to scream and scream and scream until
I don't even have a voice left.
Or at least to sing, loudly.
It just...feels so crowded in this house.
Because even when I'm in my room, there are people all around me.
In James's room, in my moms room, in the living room, in the kitchen...
in the bathroom, everywhere.

I wish Amy were online.
But I think she's probably at work,
because usually she'd be on by now.
But I don't know.
Maybe she's just sleeping in rrreeaaallly late, lol.
I know I usually sleep in until like, 1PM.
I actually thought it was 1PM when I woke up, but it was only like 10.

I guess I'd better go get some breakfast or something.
Put some presentable clothes on and maybe walk the dog.
I don't know.
Sitting here in my room with the light off like I'm doing right now
is probably only going to make me feel worse.