I got into the shower thinking a lot about Gowri.
When I came out, I was practically planning how the
conversation would go and what I would say.
I dressed, went into my room and decided I didn't like
what I was wearing and changed.
Then, I looked for the piece of paper with her number.
And I found it in my purse.
And then I got the phone,
and I walked down the hallway.

And all of that...it just seems like last week.
All the details are blurring together in my mind,
like water touching a piece of paper on which words were
written in ink...it's all running into itself.

So, I sat on my bed.
And I looked at the phone.
And I dialed the number.
It felt almost familiar, like I'd dialed this
number a million times before...
and I really wish it was like that.

So, I call her.
And some soft voice I don't recognize answers.
I ask for Gowri, and she comes on.
And she says hello.
And I can't say anything.
She says it again,
and this time I answer.
My voice sounds weak in my ears,
and I can't make it any louder.
I say: "You never called..."
she doesn't say anything for a long while.
And when I start to tell her that it's okay if
she doesn't want to be my friend,
I only get out' It's okay if..' and then
she tells me to hold on,
and puts the phone down.
I can hear the noise of it going down unto a table
sor some such surface,
and I can hear the noises in her house and the voices..
and it all just seems so far away.
So different.
A life I'm not a part of, a house I've never seen.
And...she comes back on the phone.
And she says she'll call me later,
she was about to go somewhere.
And I just...I say: "Like you called me before?"
and she says: "Fine, you call me later."
And I say "Sure, bye."
And she didn't hear me, so I repeat it.
I don't remember if she said bye to me.
I just remember hanging up the phone,
and just...staring at it.
And then the tears came,
and it was like I couldn't feel anything.
Not even the breath coming in and out of my lungs.
All there was was the hot trails of the tears.
And everything else just felt muted.
I didn't say anything, the tears just came.
And I remember being mildly surprised when
there were more then I expected.
And I just sat there.
And cried.
A good five minutes...
but it still hurts.
It wasn't the kind of cry I need.
A good, all out, noisy can't-breathe-can't-see kind of cry
that makes you feel like your very self has been washed out
and refreshed. I just feel tired.
My arms are heavy, and the keys beneath my fingers
feel odd, like typing is something I haven't done for awhile.
I got up after I was done crying for a second there...
to change my clothes because the ones I was wearing
held memories of when we were friends,
and I just couldn't.
And I just felt so confused, and I wasn't sure what to do.

I remember putting on a shirt and then a sweater,
putting the phone out of my room..
coming back in, and blocking the door.
And sitting here, and typing.

I've got a headache.
And I'm hungry, I should eat.
But there isn't anything good here...
and I really don't feel like it.

I remember feeling angry sometime during all that.
At Jenn.
But more at myself, for so blindly trusting her
and landing myself in this situation.

I haven't logged back on to facebook yet.
I don't want to make Amy feel as depressed as I am,
because I know she misses Gowri too.

Jaylin has just come in.
The light is off, and I told her to go away...
but in her typical fashion, she hasn't.
I suppose I'll just end this up here and try
to put on a cheerful smile and a happier frame of mind while I talk to her and be nice to her,
and get back on FBIM.

Because even if I don't want it to,
and even if I don't want to do anything,
life isn't going to put itself on pause for me.
And I am not going to ignore the people
I care about, and who care about me.