Extremely tired, wanting sleep.
Going to log onto FB & LB in a minute.
Thinking about quitting this blog.
A lot of people know about it,
and I would rather just have it for me
and anyone who I tell about it, rather
then people that find out accidently or snoop around.

BONUS: MATERIAL*

I save a lot of random notepads with stupid stuff in it that I've collected
from being online and wanting to remember stuff.
Here's a copy/paste of one of those notepads. Mostly, it's quotes and things that I've seen or people have said. Some URLs.




superuseless.blogspot.com

i got the chemistry wrong. right when im sure i dont care at all- i care more than i ever could.

sleeping in your clothes is ideal. i always do it. then your ready for yesterday or tomorrow.

---
I'm completely in love with music.
A total, utter, music junkie.
Some things I currently like: Dear and the Headlights,
Beach House, Chairlift, Say Hi, The Mountain Goats, You Me And Everyone We Know, Sing It Loud, The

Academy Is..., Tokyo Police Club...etc,etc.
I love photography, and the self-timer on my camera is probably my favourite thing. Fashion,

blogging, reading, writing, dancing, singing, cooking, laughing, talking, birdwatching, being

annoying...among other things, are my favourite activities to waste time on.
I am an avid time waster.
All of my time is probably wasted ,except for like 0.00001%.

But is it really wasting if I enjoy it?
I'm not sure.

- Aliciaaaaa.

---
occupational hazard and part time Life Ruiner from

--
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXHqoPHZCUM&feature=related
---

Hop Along, Queen Ansleis

---
threadbanger

---
love, what is love? I only know the darkness that waits in my heart.

---

BE SMART, BE CLEVER, PUT ME IN YOUR HEART
FOREVER.

It's too early for regular thought patterns.

I'm at jenn's, sitting on her couch and watching Backyardigans w/ Jaylin and Nick.
Nick is on the floor, trying to crawl. He's on his hands and knees, jiggling back and forth and trying to gain momentem or something, I don't know.

Tyler is at school.

So far, my breakfast has consisted of a bite of Jaylin's
apple cinnamon oatmeal (which was gross, btw) and 2 marshmallows.

The show yesterday was great.
Kind of sucked, because Tyler was with us
so I didn't get to go in the crowd at all.
It was a fairly dead crowd, though.
And we DID get to sit in a special VIP spot because some security chick was at the door when we were going in, and saw Tyler and was like "Oh! Is this your first show?" and we're like "Yeah."
and she's like "Omg, it's your first show!" and told the one guy that was scanning the tix, and stuff and later she was asking us if Tyler wanted ear plugs incase it was too loud, and Jenn asked if there was some chairs or something (Because it was a club, there were spots to sit, and then the floor and we were in the sitting spot, but just standing because there was no chairs, and then she just got these keys and let us into our own little booth, and it was cool.


Pix laterr. Vidz later too.
Tired. Going to hang out, now.

We are the party, we keep it going.

Yess, I'm listening to Scenes and Sirens.
Or at least, I was.
Now it's on something else, but w/e.
In a good mood today.
Just waiting for breakfast, mom is making some sort of eggs, idk.
And then taking a shower and getting dressedd.

Hmm, it's earlyy.
I was laying in bed and almost fell asleep, so
I had to get out of it.

So...yeah.

I would explain that all to you if you asked me.

I'm not afraid of my secrets.

But I am tired, and sleep is beckoning.

I don't feel better yet, but I will.

Tomorrow will be a good day,

and in the morning my head will be clear.

'{Today was a lonely day.

& Tonight was a lonely night.

I wish I had another good friend

or someone like a boyfriend

to hang out with.

But even then, it wouldn't

be the same.}'

I'm not as sad as I usually get when I think about Tany.

But all the same, I'm kind of sad.

It just kind of hit me.

Like, I was walking the dog for a second time today at around 9,

and I was just thinking: "Man, I miss her. If we were friends, we would be in my room right now. LOLing about how she bit someone during hit the lights set at the last concert and staying up late to talk about all the fun we'd have at Marianas Trench tomorrow."

And I can't help but think about all the late night talks about stupid things.

Grilled Cheese, and how Shamay treated her before.

There was one story I'd always get her to tell.

It'd be like this:

Me:"Tell me the one about Shamay dancing in front of the window and then her mom smacks her."

Her:"K.

So, shamay would like, for no reason, just start dancing infront of the window in her bedroom.

In like, her underwear and the window open and stuff."

Me: *lols*

Her: "And then Judy comes in, and is like "what are you doing shamay!"

Me: *LOLS*

Her: "And smacks her, and is like going on a big speech about stuff. And shamay is just like "That didn't hurt!" and her mom does it again. And then shamay is crying and stuff, and it was just so stupid. And me and teasha were laughing."

It's not actually that funny.

It's the way she told it,

and how mean shamay always was

and how she always did stupid things like

dance around naked for all the neighbours to see.

And I miss the things we'd say before we fell asleep.

And all the jokes we had.

Like, about pat brown.

And how she once asked me to read her a recipe out of a cookbook for a bedtime story,

so we'd always say "Thickens and boils" because that was what the book said about something

when you cook this raspberry sauce.

She's allergic to raspberries.

No one knew that for a long time, not even her.

I'm not allowed to call her, or else I would.

Her brother phoned here after last time and asked why

I kept phoning.

I really don't like her brother at all.

He's stubborn and he doesn't listen.

And he's stupid, he thought she was 13.

I remember how we were walking once.

it was late, and I was walking her part way home.

It was when she first wanted to be a snob, and I was trying to

tell her things about it. We had thoughts about going back to school in

a few years, and not even bothering with anyone, and being stuck-up bitches

that every one would envy because we'd be mysterious and well-dressed, and we'd speak in whispers.

We were running down my street, yelling things like "Spot of tea!"

and Gowri kept saying "mate" even though we were trying to be british-ey and

that always seems more austrailian, to me.

Sometimes I dream about maybe seeing her again sometime.

Maybe a few years in the future,

we'll run into each other, or she'll look for me and we'll end up being friends again.

It's sad to talk about these things, and I've ended up making myself cry.

But I need to. I just need to get it all out, and I'll be better.

Because I know I can be strong, and I know that sometimes they'll be times like these,

and I'm just going to have to cry and feel awful, because that's how life is.

I miss the things that she would always say,and the way that she would say them.

Like how I would tell her about something funny, and she would just laugh and say "That's funny." and then we'd talk about it somemore because she'd make comments on it and kind of explain how she thought it was funny, and we'd agree and LOL somemore.

I remember when we got our PSPs, and how we always felt cool for being matching, and how fun it was to look in the games ailes and weigh the pros and cons about what to get.

I think about all the things of hers I have, and all the things she has of mine.

One of my tops, and my zooyork sweater. Probably a bunch of other things, too.

And I wonder if they're at her new house, or with her mom.

I wonder if she ever thinks about me.

I wonder if she hates me, or if she's sad.

I wonder if I was a bad friend.

I just...it's hard.

We were so alike, and we spent so much time together,

and we shared everything and knew pretty much everything about each

other.

I wish I could share lookbook with her, and all the music I've discovered that I know

would be something she would be interested in.

Like BoA, The Bird and The Bee...

so many things.

So, so many things.

I miss singing, she always liked to hear me.

Now, I sing for myself.

And it doesn't usually feel as natural.

But it's comforting.

I sing or whisper to myself the words of all my favourite songs.

And it's like that one bright eyes song.

'The sound of loneliness makes me happier'

It makes me feel brave.

Brave enough to keep going, and brave enough to remember

and not just forget her.

But talking about that makes me feel like she's dead.

Sometimes, that'd almost be easier.

Just because it would just be over.

I wouldn't have to wonder what she was doing,

or what she thought or any other countless things.

But I would never want her to die, of course.

She was my bestfriend, we were close like sisters, and

I loved her like one.

Being on the train is always harder, too.

I'm even more afraid of it now then I was before.

Going over the bridge, and watching the world seem so far below even when we're just going across the city. It's harder because she isn't there to tell me it's stupid for being afraid,

and to distract me. Because it was always us that went on the train.

We used to go so many places.

But I can't think about it anymore.

I'm getting a headache, my face hurts from all the tears.

I'm going to settle myself down,

listen to some Sea Wolf because it's calming, and maybe draw a picture.

If I do the latter, I'll post it up.

A preview of what I'll be wearing to the Marianas Trench concert tomorrow.

Openers are Shiloh and Carly Rae Jepson.

Should be a good show.

I'll be bringing the camera.

It's at the commodore, good times.

Listening to Pretty.Odd. Since I haven't in awhile.
It's good, PATD always feels like home for my ears.

Speaking of home.
I'm here, there, whatever.

Wondering what to do.
Want to rummage through the closet and shoot a quick look,
just so I can perhaps boost my karma/hype a bit on LB.

Not sure about that, though.
I am sure about at least
attempting to get a post for Dollface, though.
Hmmm....
yeah.
And I'm sure about taking a shower.

Thinking about it more, I will wait until tomorrow to
add something new to lookbook.
I'm tired as it is, and a goodnights sleep would probably be good.

So yeah...
yeah.

(:

Tomorrow, I'll be here.
I will try to be here, at least.
I owe dollfacee and I want to find out
about the biting/magic/other things, LOLOLOLOL!

So yeah.

Me and Dollface are okay.
Things kind of just went from crappy to
joking to normal, and it was sort of confusing,
but I don't mind it.

I'd have posted that yesterday, but we've been busy.
Watching the kids now,
waiting for Jenn and Chris and Nicholas to get back here.

Wishing I was home so I could put together something good for LB,
get some more hypes.

I've got a new pair of shoes.
White/blk/pink slip-on's.
Kind of like the vans I had only different.
Roxy brand, and probably only worn like once, so prettymuch brand new,
but Iii got them for freee.
Hmm. Yeah.

Sent dollface a FBIM, but she hasn't answered.
Running out of things to do online, getting bored. =/

I don't know what's going on between me and Dollface.
I guess you could say we're fighting, but I'm not entirely sure.

I feel almost like I'm being punished for being happy.
It's not that I'm only happy without you,
it's just that happiness cannot always be contained inside
a tiny room where it's only me inside.

If we want to get into the whole
'you wouldn't understand,
your life is different then mine' thing,
that I supposedly say about all the time:

How could someone that has a whole lot of friends
and sees a bunch of people everyday understand
the sort of lonliness it is to not have anyone
at all IRL a lot of the time?
I mean, sure. I hang out with jenn and things, but
usually I'm just at home...

But I'm not going to write any more here.
It feels like running away and being a coward.
I suppose I'll re-open my FB and the FBIM, and
we'll see how it goes.

Pete: Not an easy question. I wouldn’t say our music is religious or Christian only because this is the common confession in the USA. We’re of course not intending to represent religious motives with our music, we don’t even believe in God. On the other hand religion is one way or another a part of human culture. If you equal religion with philosophy in our case it becomes inevitable that topics like moral and values can be found in our music.” (taken from icecreamhdaches)

this whole interview is a bit off in english. none of the answers are really what we said. i dont think this was done on purpose but i just wanted to point it out. im not sure where or what i think of god. i take off my hat and kneel in churches. i pray when planes take off. i want my dad to live forever. i make wishes for my son every night. im not sure what i think and i think that is reflected in the words… there are words especially on the last two records that really question that conflict. this is only me speaking for me, not the band. i want to believe so badly.

- taken from 'petewentz.com'


---
In a lot of ways, thats how I feel.
It's stupid, but I have a lot in common with that dude, even
if I don't exactly want to admit it.
A lot of the reason I hate him is because of how he steals the attention,
but I suppose I can't really.
He never did ask for that.
And he never did ask to be ugly.
As a person, he's alright.
As a celebrity, he's annoying.




----
Just helping jenn move in and whatnot.
Been sitting here ,waiting for them to get back.
They haven't yet.
The new place is pretty cold, but cozy enough.
I'm pretty bored, but meh.
And it's spooky being here alone.

The past couple days have just been great.
It's Jenn's b-day, not sure what's in store with that.

Spent the weekend at Janet's house,
hanging out with Dayton and stuff.
We played tony hawk pro skater 4
for a bunch of hours doing stupid things,
and then we played GTA San Andreas,
and got a bunch of cheats and messed
around and did a few missions in between until
we started to fail.
Then Carmen's son Nathan came over
(you know, who I used to baby sit?)
Man, he's gotten big.
And then we played hide 'n seek.
And then the young girls from
downstairs Janet's came over because
their mom was talking to everyone in
Janet's like, room thing where she doesn't actually
sleep or have a bed, LOL.
Umm.
Playdome was fucking fantastic.
I went on all the scary rides,
and they had all my favourite kind of ones,
like starship 3000, Zero Gravity,
1001 Nachts, etc. I had a bunch of pics,
but I had put my memory card into Janet's computer
because I was sitting on the couch and decided to check my
email when I saw the LB invite,
so I wanted to post a look from today.
I gotta get ready now for my meeting,
probably, so I'm going to have to cut this short.

I need to also post a self reminder in here though:

NOTE 2 SELF: leave Kayla a comment on FB, because she commented that photo
of you and misses you!

NOTE 2 SELF 2: Make sure you talk to amyy todayy. It's been foreverrr and you need a good dose of ur husbandy!


Chyeah.

I GOT IT.
I GOT ACCEPTED!
AND TODAY WAS SO FUN.
I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY.

Judy sent me an email, some colour test thing
and I sent her one back being like 'Lol, that was easy. I got 100% right away.'
and she sent one back saying she did too and then asking if I wanted
to go to lunch on my birthday.

Since her birthday is near mine, and stuff and I haven't seen
them in a while, I guess.

Sounds like fun.
I said I would like to do that,
since I'm not doing anything on my actual
birthday since my birthday dinner
will be next weekend, and because
I already got the majority (or maybe even all)
my presents.


Woke up at like 10:30, but stayed in bed until 11:30 when mom woke up.
We were supposed to go to playdome today.
I don't know if that's going to happen.

No word yet from lookbook.
Kind of sucksss.
Umm..yeah.

Going to eat some food soon and then get dressed, I guess.

I already blogged about my early morning habits,
thought I'd post one about things I do late at night.

Since I'm currently doing them.

If I don't stay up too late, I try and go to bed.
But sometimes, I can't sleep.
So, I listen to some music.
But usually, I get bored with it and get back up out of bed
and crawl over to the computer.
Or in this case, climb over the back of a chair in the mostly darkness to get
to the desk that I cleared off earlier so that I could
use it and make some pins.
You can check those over at thisiswhatafashionbloglookslike.
Anyway.
I will also mention that I found my FAD cd on the desk, beneath the corpse bride DVD.
Which is amazing, and I'm very happy.

Anyway.
So, I'll update my song selection.
Sometimes this means wiping the whole MP3
and loading it up again with about half the songs I already had
and maybe 10 new ones, or just adding on and sifting through the crap
I don't really want.
Tonight, it's the second one.

Sometimes, the late night music fix raid includes
downloading new stuff, which I am doing now for
listening tomorrow, or if I decide to actually
listen to it before then, for when I'm in bed.

This late night music fix raid also includes a skim through of
gaiaonline's music forum, and then a more extensive browse through of my last.fm
recommendations.

Right now I know a few of the things I'll be putting on.
They include:

'Alaska' - Camera Obscura.
'Hurrican Haley' - Forever the Sickest Kids.
'Crash Into Me' - Dave Mathews Band.
'Postcards' - An Horse.
'Come as you Were' & 'La La La' - The Bird and the Bee.
'I don't know if I'll be back this time' & ' I made a resolution' & 'Leaves in the River' - Sea Wolf.
'Click Click Click Click' - Bishop Allen.
'Can You Tell?' - Ra Ra Riot.
'Hearts of Iron' - Handsome Furs.
'Catch My Fall' - Katy Rose.


Some things I know are already on there:

'I'm A Broken Heart' & 'Polite Dance Song' - The Bird and The Bee.
'Saying Goodbye' - Matt White.
'Don't Give A Damn' - Chairlift
Various things by Sea Wolf, Lydia, Dear and the Headlights and Okkervil River.
'Love is A place' - Metric.

---
I'll browese my last.fm recs now, and let you know if I find anything that sounds interesting.
---

Last.fm finds that have yet to be heard;

The Broken West,
Patrick Wolf,
Taken By Trees,
Hello Kelly.

---

I get kind of sad when I find a new song of artist I enjoy.
Me and Tany would always talk about those things,
and she would quite willingly listen to whatever I put forth,
and even asked for recs all the time and integrated things I'd
found into her regular listen schedule.
Now, I don't really have anyone to share with.
Everyone else makes it out like a chore when I get them
to listen to something or tell them to look something up,
so there isn't any point in it. Most of the time it doesn't get
listened to or looked up anyway, so.

I tried listening to music with my mom, but she likes to talk alot, and doesn't exactly pause
to listen, just kind of pretends while she waits until she can finish with what she was saying.
Jenn wouldn't be interested at all,and James is constantly making fun of my musical choices
when he hears even a small part of it. So family isn't an option at all, really.
Like in most things, of course.

I'm making do, though.
If everyone wants to miss out, that's their own fault.

I don't even think I'm going to bother listing off the other tracks I'll be adding,
there won't be much point.

Good night.

http://www.threadbanger.com/

Really cool DIY self site.
Lots of neat things to do with clothes,
purses and accesories.
Theres a ton of vids on youtube,
and lots of user-made tutorials of things
people have done.

Probably going to try out some of the projects tomorrow.
(:

I applied.
I just..did it.
Now, all there is to do is wait.
Hopefully I'm not waiting too long.

Here's what I wrote in the 'note' section of my
application:


My name is Alicia.
I'm turning 15 in april.
I live in canada.
Fashion is a part of me, but I've always had rather limited resources when it comes to clothes and accesories, and especially when it comes to getting more of them.
I'm just a girl, making do with what she's got.
If I have a shirt, but it doesn't fit a way I would like, I change it. Either by cutting it, sewing it, or adding something on, pinning sections into place or some other thing, I find a way. Same with my accesories and jewlery. Something breaks? I work it into another piece, or create something else out of it. Everything in my wardrobe has double functions. A dress could be a shirt one day, or a skirt the next, a vest could be a shirt, a tanktop could be a tubetop, a belt could be a headband and vice versa...the possibilities are endless and I am constantly finding something new to do.

I also have an avid interest in photography and modeling, and like to make use of my self-timer and find interesting poses with which to catch the eye of anyone browsing my blog or facebook page.

I try a lot of the time to create completely original pieces instead of just piggy baking off of what the item of clothing already was, and when I do that, I do all my sewing by hand, because I don't have a sewing machine.
And I like being able to take pride in my work and show it off.

I would just love to be a part of lookbook, really.
I'd be committed, and determined to bring good looks here for people to see, and perhaps get inspired by. I've been looking at the site for a while, and everyday I want it more. Especially when I click onto a member and they only have one or two looks and have been completely neglecting things. I wouldn't be like that at all, I would feel privledged and honoured to be a part of this community and act accordingly.

So I'm just hoping I'll get an invite.
And if not, well.
There's always a chance to get back on the horse and try again, right?

Just woke up about an hour ago.
I stayed up late by accident.

Just..yeah.
Doing the typical sorts of things.
I was going to get dressed,
BUT NOT ANYMORE.

Amy's on.
<3

Really tempted to just apply to lookbook.
Just to get it over with, see what happens.
I may be doing all this work and not even get to get in there
Or, I may be doing all this work and it's actually easier then I ever thought.
There would always be asking for an invitation somewhere,
but that is an absolute last resort.

Did some rping with Dollface.
It felt good to get back to normal.
I was happy today.
Got a lot of awesome clothes,
downloaded some music, helped with the laundry,
walked the dog.

It was raining.
Not heavily, but not light enough to be misty.
It was that perfect rain that feels nice on your skin and
it was a regular spring temperature, too.
I was wearing flipflops when I went outside all day until the evening,
and I didn't put any sweater or such thing over top of my
tops, and I wasn't uncomfortable.
Lovely.
<3

Thinking about checking gaia posts, writing up a reply for amy and then heading to bed.
Today was such an awesome day.

I just noticed tomorrow is friday.
Getting money for Marianas Trench tix,
and maybe some for some clothes or at least a cute pair of shoes.

Going to playdome on saturday with Dayton and Janet, maybe.
It'll be fun, rides and things like that.
I'm excited for that, too.

Everyday I hurt less and less and things get easier.
And I've just been getting a whole lot of luck.
Like with these clothes, I was just thinking yesterday
that I wanted a vest. And I've been wishing on 11;11 that
I'd find a way to get my life back into order,
among other things. And it's happening.

Sometimes I wonder if everything I know as logical is wrong, and
maybe there is some sort of god out there,
and I'm not wishing, I'm praying.
It's a nice thought, sort of. Comforting in an odd way. I don't think I'm anywhere close
to accepting such a thought, but it's just been something
floating around inside my head.

But then I smile to myself, because I know that
a large part of this all has to do with myself, more then
anything else.
It was only a matter of time.
The harder you fall, the higher you rise when you get up.

Got up around 11, because my mom was on the phone and talking rather loudly.
I heard the tail end of it thought, she had been talking to my ...IDK,
guitat teacher/guidance counsellor from school about the math tutor, and when my mom came in, she told me they had also been talking about something else.
It was weird, because I was half awake.
I had heard her talking in the hallway,
and my mind wasawake but my body wasn't.
And then she opened the door, and I somehow managed to speak
but it was kind of surprising that I even could make myself
be that awake so quickly.
I'm good at getting up, I guess, sometimes.
Anyway.
So, the teacher/counsellor/whatever had been reading my file,
she didn't know I was 'gifted' or whatever.
We're going in on monday to reevaluate my courses and course work
or something.
I'm excited.

Just now going through my morning computer rituals.
It's quite predictable, I suppose,
because I do it just about every morning.

I get up, open the computer.
Sign in to MSN, and check both my emails.
Read through some, delete the crap.
There's emails I get everyday, like Urban Word of the Day
courtesy of urban dictionary.
After I've checked my email, I sign into facebook and check things around there.
While doing this, I open up my iTunes so i can put some music on.
While checking facebook, I open up gaia in a seperate tab and read some stuff in there, get my daily chance and read any announcements.
Then I check the blogs.
First I go to mine, just to see if there's any comments or anything
out of place.
Then on to,
Dollface's blog, Pete's blog, Nicholas Scimeca's blog, William Beckett's Blog, 'My Polaroid Blog', etc. After the blogs are read, I open up my own and...


Sorry, lol. Lost my train of thought momentarily, because I got an email.
I keep my gmail rigged to my MSN so that the little update box thing pops up
and I know. (:

Anyway.

Then I open up mine and make an entry about what'll be going on today, or interesting stuff that happened yesterday if I didn't make an entry the night before.
And then I just look around for something to kill the time with, if I'm going to be staying on the computer.

I've got to head and take a shower and get dressed,
I got an offline IM from Jenn about the tattoos,
and we're appearantly going at 4?
I haven't heard anything else about it, but I might as well be ready.

And um.....hm.
Yeah. I have lots of pics I need to add to FB,
and stuff like that.
Not sure what I'm going to be wearing today.

I really wish I could find my cover-up powder type thing.
It's somewhere in my room,
which got messy again from Jaylin being a brat and moving
random stuff out and in and all around.
I should clean it, but it's just so much work.
It takes much longer to clean then it does to
make a mess.
Also, I need to grab some breakfast.
So far, I've just had chocolate.

And by some miracle,
I wore sweats to bed.
*gaspp*!

Haha.

http://scanwiches.com/

Who comes up with this stuff,
really?

Haven't heard from dollface at all today.
But I wasn't online much, really.
I just got so entirely sick of the computer, I fluttered around the house and
Janet and Dayton ended up coming over.
We had a yummy dinner that involved shake 'n baked pork chops with stuffing on them.
YUMYUMYUM, so good.

Later, me and mom and james walked them home and stayed for a bit,
got some chocolate because Dayton is selling it for school,
and got home about an hour ago.
Going to go to be right quickly,
I was up at 10:30 like my plan.
I didn't do any schoolwork, however.
But, my day was somewhatly productive so I'll accept
that.

It didn't happen.
Long story short,
Jenn called before hand, and
she got babysitters and all that crap.
We go down there, no answer at any of the doors,
and we called twice at 2 different payphones.
I guess it'll just have to be some other time.

Sucks really hard.

I am getting my tattoo tonight.
I'm fucking scared.

Woke up kind of early today.
11-ish.
I'll plug my alarm clock in tonight.
Wake myself up an hour earlier.
Tomorrow, I'm going to finish cleaning my room and do
at least 1 assignment for school.
I waste so much time,
it's stupid.

But I can't just full-on jump in.
Baby steps.

Can't sleep.
I tried.
Currently, it's 4AM.
Getting some music together that's good for sleeping,
then I'll crawl into a cave of covers
and drift.

Songs:

'The Rose Captain' - Sea Wolf.
{Oh the call of the collared dove
How I long to be your one true love
We'll move like gypsies
'neath the stars and beneath the moon.}

'In A Radio Song' - Okkervil River.

{I rose from a dream;
we were running from every being that was hunting,
but we let them get ahead of us.
We let them lie in wait for us.}

'Saying Good Bye' - Matt White.

'Middle Distance Runner' - Sea Wolf.

'Good Arms VS Bad Arms' - Frightened Rabbit.
{i decided this decision some six months ago
so i'll stick to my guns, but from now on it's war
i am armed with the past, and the will, and a brick
i might not want you back, but i want to kill him}
^ This one just because the music and the dudes voice
is pretty and raw to listen to, and it kind of makes me LIS a little bit.
Frightened Rabbit is always good, because the songs are nice to listen to,
and I don't have any emotional attatchment to the lyrics, really.

'This Year' - The Mountain Goats.

{I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.}
Nothing else, but this line and the sound of it.

'Sleeping Sickness' - City and Colour.

'Love Letter to Japan' - The Bird and The Bee.

{Dearest one, I had a dream
I mouthed the words,
The sound came out,
I spoke to you in Japanese
Oh, my love I cannot see,
I heard your name
I know at once there was no place I'd rather be...
All at once there was no place that I would rather be.}

I don't know if I'll listen to any of those even 1 time once I leave the laptop alone.
it's late.
And while I don't feel tired, my body is restless and
telling me to at least attempt.

Scandal, Slander, Catch ALL the gossip?//quiz.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Not that I know of.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Hmmmm.....bacon? LOL.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I did, but then she ran away from home. )':

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Of course, I'm the best.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, never.
(See how clever I am? Doesn't it make you LOL?)

8. DO YOU HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Not a chance.


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL
The granola-ey kind.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM Off?
Usually.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM
There is only one gross flavour.
And that's the one that is called 'tiger tiger'
it's orange coloured, with black coloured stripes.
And you think it would taste oragney.
But no, no. IT'S FUCKING BLACK LICORICE, AND IT'S
DISGUSTING.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hair.

15. RED OR PINK?
BLACK, LIKE MY SOUL.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
Ummm.....

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Tan.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
This question doesn't make sense,
but it's here because I stole this from FB.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
No shoes. Blue pajama pants with white...bears and snowflakes
pattern.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT Now..
'Keep It Clean' - Camera Obscura.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
BLACK, LIKE MY SOUL.
J/k, I'm not that emo.
UMM.
I would be...Orange.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The ocean, fruits, laundry, spring-time...

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
The dial tone.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
No, I was actually going to delete her off my FB.
She didn't actually send this to me, though.
Doesn't really count.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Ice Skating.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Red/brown/blonde/copper/something?

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown. =/

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Why.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Currently, cereal.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies with happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
'Stella Dallas', some stupid thing from like the 30's, blk&white.
Really stupid, too.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
White.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, definately.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
I like hugs.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Shut upp.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
^
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I can't read AND do this quiz at the same time,
silly.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I use a laptop, thnx.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Music. Rain, nature-ey sounds, small sounds that don't really
have easily explainable names.
Like, "My fingers typing on the keys when I type really fast" or "When someone is in the shower and the water is hitting against the wall" or "My cat when he meows at me because I'm not giving him any attention/I'm not letting him lay on my computer/I''m taking up too much room in bed."

43. ROLLING STONES OR THE BEATLES?
Fuck.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
I carry a little piece of home with me everywhere I go.
Right in my heart.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Several.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Surrey.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
No.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
I MET HUSBANDY UN NEOPETS LIEK A BILLION-AND-ONEE YIARZ AEGO.
SHE'Z ALZO MI BESTFRAN, THANKZ.
LOL.

My lunch. Broccoli, Celery and some left over pears from breakfast that other day.
The sauce is for dipping, it's sour cream, a bit of mayo and some cheese.
Yummy. <3

TODAY IS A REALLY FUCKING GOOD DAY, SO FAR.
Anyway.



Here's a sneek peek at what I'll be posting up on thisiswhatafashionbloglookslike
later.

Today, I was as mixed up as the weather.
First it was snowing, and then it was raining,
and then it was sunny,
and then it went back to being rainy,
only it was windy and windy and WINDY.

I do quite enjoy the wind, though.
It feels like magic.


Posted some new things over at thisiswhatafashionbloglookslike,
so enjoy. Tomorrow, my outfit will be very spring.
I hope I get powder blue skies and pale yellow sun to go with it.
If the weather is anything like how it was today, I shall have
to choose something else.
I hope I'm in the mood tomorrow to get up at a decent hour and shower
and dress before 8 at night.
Though, technically, I didn't shower at 8 at night, or even at all today.
I took a short bath in the morning, because my foot was hurting.

Anddd...yeah.
I g2g blow my nose, it's dripping snot.
And then, I don't know.
Maybe I'll watch a movie online or something.

I hate guilt tripping people.
And what I want to say right now,
kind of feels like it would sound
like that.

Last night I cleaned up part of my room,
and in the process I somehow ended up
sort of stepping on a toothpick.
Some of it went in my foot.
It wasn't hurting yesterday,
but I woke up to it hurting when I walked.
I can't really walk properly, it hurts my heel.
I'm pretty sure nothing got lodged in there,
because when I pulled it out it looked intact.
But it still hurts a lot.
Like, a lot.

Sort of working on a new video.
For a DATH song.
'I'm Bored, You're Amorous'
Mhm.

Woke up this morning feeling sleepy.
Tried to go back to sleep, but my mind wouldn't
cooperate.
When I got up and went into the bathroom,
I discovered that it was snowing.

Made some breakfast.

A camp favourite,

cereal with fruit.

In this case, frosted flakes and pears.

But the milk is 3.25%, and I don't like it

as much as 2%.

I somehow accidently deleted a bunch of pics from the drive in northvan.

Mildly annoyed at that.

I copied it into a file, and then copied the file into pictures...

but it won't let me open it, and I'm really sort of confused.

But I guess I just didn't do it at all right.

Sucks.

I had a lot of really beautiful shots in there.

Here's some of the snow and my breakfast, instead.

But how can I blame anyone, when I can't even read my own mind?





I think I may go walk the dog in a bit.
Kill some time, or something I guess.

I'm wishing//PLAYLIST.

'Saying Goodbye' - Matt White.
'I'm Bored, You're Amorous' - Dear and the Headlights.
'All To Myself' - Marianas Trench.
'I Just Do' - Dear and the Headlights.
'Holy Dances' - Beach House.
'Skinned Knees and Gapped Teeth' - Dear and the Headlights.
'Out From Under' - Britney Spears.
'Sleeping Sickness' - City and Colour.
'What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?' - Taking Back Sunday.
'Bruises' - Chairlift.

Probably will not be in that order, but rather on shuffle.
Because I do get sick of how things go occasionally.
--------















































"I'm still just blinking, and you're still just talking."
And all the words that I would say get lost,
because I'm still being heard...but are you listening?

My sleep last night was just a blurr of moments where I was half woken up,
only to slip completely back into that deep sleep where nothing else exists,
except for finding the most comfortable position and making sure you're completely covered by the blankets.
It was good.

Oooh, dear and the headlights.
Just so perfectly perfect.

I know the kind of day today will be, already.
'Already? It's 4, she oughta know by know, I mean
it's late afternoon!'

Yes, but I got up at 12. =/

Will be cleaning my room today.
Take the dog for a walk.
Do some other things.
My very core is restless today.
I had a determinated, tentatively set
plan that I hadn't exactly thought of,
but still knew about.
And it's ruined, because my mother was being annoying.
And my mood is shot to bits.
I don't feel like doing anything at all now,
and I hate that.
There is something very wrong in that,
or at least, something not at all right.

For dinner we're having chicken, salad and some sort of french bread or
buns of something.
I don't want to eat that.
Salad is about the only thing on there appealing.

I feel brooding and moody and quiet.
I wish the me of two seconds ago was back.
She was more fun.

I don't understand how my mother can't see
this drastic change and come to realize something
about it. I really don't.

I kind of feel like everyone can hear what I'm saying,
but isn't listening.

Draft. Final version on FB, probably.

Falling alseep with my mind wide open,
making up the the lack of vision
in the gray and restless night.
I feel like my lungs are empty
and my cheeks are red like the stove element
when it's been on much too long.
Hair like straw and sweaty limbs,
I could stay awake for days.

The over-tiredness feels like it is alive.
A seperate thing deep inside my heart,
fluttering there and producing the beat.
I don't have to think, now.
I don't have to think at all.

Longing makes me throw a silent tantrum.
I'd rather sleep, and not exist at all besides
a body in a darkened room. At least for a little while.
At least until the clouds part, and sun rains down
like diamonds cutting through the soggy greenery of spring.

The flashing red light of the clock beckons me like
a spark of hope.

The buzzing beat doesn't cease,
but the over starts to disappear until
it's just tired. Until it's just me,
on a bed with yellow sheets and a
mess of confusion that is myself.

Until the night is just a shrunken bit of what you used to know,
and your eyes are shut and you think you're still seeing.
Still feeling.
Still alive.
Still awake.

Until you aren't.

Just got back.
Had fun.
Lindice took us on a tour of the school she teaches at,
and it's just amazing.
I wouldn't mind going to school if I could go there.
Sure, there's uniforms...
but soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
many hot boys.
And a pool.
And a tennis court.
And an amazing view.
But of course, there isn't really anyway I'll
ever get to go there.
Kind of sucks, but that's the way it is.


Today was a good day.
I didn't have to think much,
just kind of fluttered around and
did mindless things.
It was easier today.
I thought about Tany,
and it didn't hurt as badly.
Maybe I was just out of it or something,
but IDK.
It's weird, but I try not to think of it that she isn't my friend.
I just kind of think about it like, she's just gone.
Which I probably shouldn't do,
but I don't know. It wasn't so much a thing I decided to
do, but more something that just came about and stuck.

I got a lot of good shots today.
I'll post them later, maybe.

Read Dollface's blog before writing this.
It ties into what I was thinking about last night before
going to bed when I felt a bit better.
I was just thinking like: "I wish all the blog posts except for
the one that matches how I feel at this exact moment could just
be deleted."
Because I'm not hurting all day.
Only frequently, in small doses, sort of.
Lately, anyway.
Sometimes I get those big awful spots,
but those usually come later.
I feel sort of happy, almost.
But then I just read that over, and I
really don't.
This is all so confusing,
it's no wonder I keep getting headaches.

I'm going to go out today with Mom and Aunty Sharon afterall.
We'll be driving to North Van to give Lindice some boxes for packing,
and then maybe going for lunch/dinner.
I thought it would be a good oppurtunity to get some good photos.

Mom came in at about 10 or something, with breakfast for me.
She thought I was already awake, but I had just kind of woken up,
but I was thinking about going back to bed but then she came in.

OH.
Last night, for whatever reason,
I ended up looking under my bed.
I found like, half a bottle of Vera Wang's 'Princess'
I thought I had just used all my perfume and that's
why I didn't see it anymore,
I don't remember losing it at all.
Other things under the bed: A collage I had started but never finished. (it wasn't even wrinkled)
and a closed package of poptarts. (Like, 2 poptarts or something. You know when you open the box and there's those silver packs? Yeah.)

So, yeah.
Today actually started off pretty good...
since finding those things was last night at like 1/1;30.

Anyway.
Um.
Yeah.

Just finished putting songs on my MP3.
And I've found that I'm quite exhausted, so I probably
will get a good nights sleep tonight if I can manage to
fall asleep easily.

Good night.

I sat on my floor for a long time.
Had to think about some things.

I had this old journal on my shelf,
I took it down.
Ripped out all of the pages that had anything on them, arranged them all in a pile.
And I ripped them up.
One or two at a time.
Sometimes in slow, even little piles...
other times messily, angrily.
I put all the pieces into this box I have
in my room from christmas,
and just kind...yeah.
Spent about half an hour, just ripping the pieces into nothing.

When I was done , I picked up the journal and a pen.
and I wrote out, quite carefully some good things and some bad things,
and a decision.

I should go back to normal school.
There's reasons, but I don't want to talk about it on here.


And when I was done that, I put it in with the pieces and closed the lid, and moved it away.

Mom came in shortly after I had finished.
Talking, and nonchalant.
She said she loves me.
And then she said she loves jenn,
but that jenn just doesn't know it.
I didn't even bother with the reply that
popped into my brain.
"She doesn't know it because you never tell her."
and she tried to make jokes about things that had been said
while they were yelling.
I couldn't smile.
I knew she wanted me to, though.
And I could feel my lips lifting up once and awhile.
She asked me for a hug, and I gave her one.
She invited me to go with her to Aunty Sharons tomorrow,
but I said no.
She asked me if I was going to be okay, and I said yes.
All the entire time, I was just tightly held in.
Inside myself. Away from her.
And then she shut the door and I wanted to cry again.
Because then I knew I wasn't going to be okay,
and that I can't just be the same anymore.

And I sat back on the floor, and I picked up my old art book that was long ago filled,
turned to the back of one of the collages and picked up a marker.
The words were already in my head, but I had to set them down.
To see, if my feelings about the statement changed, to see if I was wrong.
I'm not.

'Of all the thoughts that I could think,
the one that sticks is about how I'm fooling
them all.
And probably even myself.

I'm not okay. Not even a little bit.'

Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know, just how deeply it is that I'm feeling
about things. How sad I can get, she doesn't know about it. I don't even know.
I've been slipping it away and covering it up for so long,
that I'm not even sure anymore.
And I can feel myself, locking me away.
My personality, and thoughts and everything good or usefull.
Packing it up, and getting ready to throw away the key.
I even am starting to want to retreat into myself,
it would just be so much easier.
I suppose that means it's time to do something.
I'm just not sure what.

My throat is so tight right now with the need to cry that it hurts to breathe.
I can feel the fullness of my tear ducts, and my cheeks are hot from the crying
I've already done.
This isn't because of Gowri.

Mom and Jenn were fighting.
That's really all I'm going to post about it.
I'm tired of my confidant of choice
being the blank, empty space of the internet.
And I'm so tired of the way I live.
I wish I could at least have a family that
stuck together and in which everyone loved eachother
so much that it would almost seem to an outsider
like an impossible ammount.
My fingers are shaking.
I keep hearing footsteps in the hall,
and I really just hope everyone leaves me alone.
I don't want to see any of them.
The house is quieter without Jenn and the Kids living here.
It's almost eerie, and I hate it.

I BRB'd to go and get icecream with Jenn so everyone could have
dessert for after dinner, and then I got back.
Felt kind of bad for leaving Amy, but I knew she would understand
if it was just...better, if I was doing something besides being on the computer.
So, I quickly said bye to her and then I went and watched ANTM with Jenn and everyone, and we were just chilling.
I went and hung out with them, because I thought it would make
it better at this time, the time when I'm alone.
But then everything happened, and I was right there,
and it was just worse.

Of all the things I'm tired of, the one I'm most tired of has to
be crying myself to sleep...
which is probably what I'll be doing tonight.
It would be so much easier if I at least had Tany.
Then I wouldn't have to be here, I could just go to
her house.
But I can't.

I can feel my heart hurting.
And I keep holding my breath without noticing.
Music is on, but it's not helping.

I wish september of 2010 was closer.

I just noticed I haven't done a 'best moment of ___________' for like, 3 months.
Maybe things really are that bad and there just haven't been any good moments?
Or maybe I've just been super distracted.
Hmm.
I'll sort through all the posts and see.
Post a compiliation of best moments for
the ones I haven't done.

Woke up in a ridiculously hyper/energetic mood.
Maybe it's because my hair is looking scene
because I've got this weird SUPER bang-looking-thing
going on, and those emoz types always are weird
and have excessive ammounts of happiness/
energy.
LOL, or maybe not.
I don't know.

Kind of don't know what to do today.......
BUT I WANT TO ROLEPLAY, DAMN IT.
And I wish I could with dollface before something
happens and then i no longer feeel like itt.
Ummm....yeah.
I think I'll go grab a shower or something, maybe.
Sure.
And some breakfastz.

Also: I managed to shove the wall of clothes back into the closet, so it's more contained.
But the desk is still a mountain.
I really should actually do something about it.
Hmm.
Maybe next week.

Time flies when you should be asleep.

"If you have a heart Imma break it. When I see what I want I have to take it." -
I don't know what that's from.
Do you?

Also: "I think some scene fag was listening to lil wayne or T-Pain or someone and said "You know what this needs....screaming." "
perfectly describes the band(artist? IDK) 'Dot Dot Curve'

EDIT: (there was other stuff I decided to say, got lazy to write a new post.)

'All To My Self' - Marianas Trench is such a good song.
I've decided that I don't feel like crying tonight,
and so I will listen to this song.
It makes me feel...I don't know.
Better. I just does.

"Don't patronize
I realize I'm losing and this is my real life
I'm half asleep and I'm wide-awake this habit is always so hard to break
I don't want to be the bad guy
I've been blaming myself and I think you know why
I'm killing time
And time's killing you
Every way that I do"

I am losing, so many things. Like, right now most every long-term thing I've got going on feels like a giant fail. Not the things that I do for the enjoyment, more the things that 'matter'.
And I am half asleep, but wide awake...
and I'm getting back into the habit of staying up for excessively late hours,
and it'll be hard to stop.

And I'm blaming myself for everything that happened ,even though it
isn't really my fault at all.

And I would hope that the more time that goes on, Tan is missing me more too
and it's hurting her equally as bad. Just because then it doesn't feel like
my own pain isn't for nothing, and she's in as much as a hell as me.

"I can try and suck it up
I just can't suck it up
Make me feel like someone else
I'm under the gun
Feel like the only one
I just can't decide what I'm running from"

I'm trying to just suck it up and deal, but it doesn't work.
I would rather feel different then this,
like someone else feels...just for a change/reliefe.
Like when I woke up after being so sick, and I didn't have a headache
and the change was just so nice?
Like that.
And I /does/ kind of feel like out of everyone I know,
everything with me is getting much worse then the
things they've got going on. At least with the people IRL,
anyway.
As to the last line,
I keep changing my mind as to what I'm feeling,
who I'm angry at,
if I'm even angry...

"It's not enough
It's never enough
And I wish I could breath without it getting stuck
Can't focus it but I try over and over again"

No matter what happens that's good the past couple days,
I'm still sad.
And it does get hard to breathe a lot.
My attention is almost completely gone most of the time,
like always when I'm unhappy.


And despite all those things, the infectiously catchy beat just doesn't let me think about any of it.
I'm as close to happy as I'll get this week and probably even next,
and I'm okay for now.

I was looking for my Folie A Deux CD, and this is what happened.

^Mess by my desk(s)

^Beside the bed.

^Somewhere under all that, there is a desk.

^Bed.

^ Wall of clothes. Also known as, the closet.

And okay, I admit.

Some of the mess WAS there before I looked for the cd.

XD

Just got out of the shower.
It seems things are just better if I keep
busy.

Just got back a few minutes ago from a nice walk with the dog.
It was so cold that there was ice in all the ditches and that a lot of the snow was still sitting around. I was dressed in a sweater, a tee shirt, a dress and leggings.
I wasn't even that cold, really.

My hair was messy though from not having a shower,
and the wind blew it everywhich way.
Kind of amusing to watch, probably but
very annoying to deal with.

Got to get my laundry together,
then I'm going to take a shower.

"I still believe that change can happen, though it's hard and it happens slowly."

- 'Are We All Forgotten' - Paper Route.

I'm not crazy about the rest of the lyrics, but
the one verse just kind of fits.
And some of the other parts, if you think
about it in a way that's different then they were
meant.

Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I tried reading, but I got a few pages in to
'I Capture The Castle' -Dodie Smith...
and I just couldn't get into it.
I tried playing Mario for a bit,
but I pretty much gave up the moment I lost one life.

So, I just kind of messed around on the computer.
Not really doing much of anything.
And then it was like some late time eventually,
12 or something, IDK so I turned off the computer and
got into bed. Put the headphones on, tried to sleep.
Cried some.
I realized I had the pillow and blanket that Gowri
always favoured when she slept over,
and that just about did it for me wanting to sleep in the bed.

I don't really know why,
but I decided I wanted to sleep on the floor.

So, I pushed all the junk on the floor to the side,
and then set down 2 of my heavy quilts for
padding and then my pillows,
and I just lay down with the headphones still on and in my pajamas
and the light off. I think I realized later I didn't have anything covering me, so then
I just kind of half pullde on of the blankets still on my bed off.
That was good for awhile.
Cried some more.
Because I was listening to sad music, of course.

By then it was 1AM, but I still couldn't sleep.
So, I made a fort out of my floor bed.
Lol.
I know.
A fort?!
I don't know what I was thinking either.
I took the blanket that I had been using as a blanket
and put a corner by my desk and weighed it down
with a heavy box,
and then I put a corner in the drawer of my dresser,
and the rest was put on the bed so I kind of had this weird canopy.
But it was really low,
so.
I went in there, for like 10 mins, but then I decided to change it and made it better.
So, then I lay down again.
In my fort, and on the floor.
I had forgotten to get a blanket to cover me and keep me warm,
but i didn't bother getting one.
I just listened to the sad songs on my mp3,
and let myself cry.

'Poison Oak' - Bright Eyes came on, and that was when it got particularly bad.

"And I fell asleep with you still talking to me...
You said you weren't afraid to die."

There was probably a lot of times that we had talked until I was right
on my way to sleep.
And the other half reminds me of when she had that slightly suicidal stage, you know?
And I hate to think about that, too.
Because she made me feel so awful about myself then.
Like I wasn't a good enough friend, also and that wasn't reason enough.
Or was she even serious?
I'm not even sure.
It doesn't even matter.

"Then, when you turned away...
when you slammed the door..."

That one is obvious.

"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep.
And all their tearful words would turn
back into steam."

The first thing I ever wrote and was proud of was my poems.
And I was crying myself to sleep, sort of.

"And I never thought that this life was possible."

I didn't ever think we wouldn't be friends.
I had tried to imagine it several times during my
very very depressed months a while back.
And I just...I can't make myself know that she isn't
my friend anymore and that she isn't coming back.
Because I so want it to be that I'm just trying to trick
myself into thinking that to see how it'd feel if
I ever lost her as a friend.

And man, I woke up to hearing absolute and complete confirmation on
another dissapointment.
And....I just hate it.
I hate being lied to, and I hate having such a fucked up life.

And all the time I was in my fort, just willing myself to fall asleep..
the only thing that I wanted was someone to come in, and see me..
and ask me WTF I was doing. To hug me and tell me that things will be
better, but no one ever did.
And I ended up just getting back into bed at 2AM.

Even though I want someone to comfort me,
I'd almost rather be alone.
So that I could make as much noise as I wanted.
I just want to scream and scream and scream until
I don't even have a voice left.
Or at least to sing, loudly.
It just...feels so crowded in this house.
Because even when I'm in my room, there are people all around me.
In James's room, in my moms room, in the living room, in the kitchen...
in the bathroom, everywhere.

I wish Amy were online.
But I think she's probably at work,
because usually she'd be on by now.
But I don't know.
Maybe she's just sleeping in rrreeaaallly late, lol.
I know I usually sleep in until like, 1PM.
I actually thought it was 1PM when I woke up, but it was only like 10.

I guess I'd better go get some breakfast or something.
Put some presentable clothes on and maybe walk the dog.
I don't know.
Sitting here in my room with the light off like I'm doing right now
is probably only going to make me feel worse.

Amy has this really, like...
I don't know.
She just has this post in her blog right now about things.
And I literally had to stop reading,
and just...turn my entire self away from the computer.
Because I just couldn't.
I couldn't read it, it was too hard.
And I was crying, and crying and crying...
and I just closed the page.
I just closed it.
I just, wiped my tears off and took deep breaths and just...
just tried not to think about it.
I just shoved it away, put on some Beach House and wrote a -crappy- post for the role play.
I made myself read the rest though, just before I wrote this.
I read the rest, and just...let it hurt.
There's nothing I can do to fight it, I'm going to hurt no matter what.
I might as well just..embrace it.

Which is probably what I'll be doing quite soon,
because I plan to just get into comfy pajamas...
update the songs on the MP3 to include some good
ones that I think will work well...
and then play some mario for a bit, read a book maybe...
Then go to bed sometime in an hour, and just...yeah.
Go to bed. And sleep.
Get rid of this headache that's come on so strongly.

I just called Gowri back.
Some young guy answered,
then some lady came on...
and then it was like this:

"Hello?"

"Is Gowri there?"

"No. This is wrong number,
don't call here."

"Why are you lying to me?"

*click*

I don't even feel like crying now,
or anything else.

I think I'll go to bed soon, maybe.

Because there's also that me and Jenn went to the store,
bought like 40$ worth of stuff mostly for dinner,
I made a yummy dinner of chicken strips,
salad and my cream cheese pasta with mushrooms...
and mom didn't eat it and has this bitchy attitude,
and is acting like she doesn't and all this stupid shit.

Maybe I'll go take a walk, Amy is BRB anyway.
But I don't really want to incase she comes back.
I guess...I'll just work on my posts while I wait or something.

I got into the shower thinking a lot about Gowri.
When I came out, I was practically planning how the
conversation would go and what I would say.
I dressed, went into my room and decided I didn't like
what I was wearing and changed.
Then, I looked for the piece of paper with her number.
And I found it in my purse.
And then I got the phone,
and I walked down the hallway.

And all of that...it just seems like last week.
All the details are blurring together in my mind,
like water touching a piece of paper on which words were
written in ink...it's all running into itself.

So, I sat on my bed.
And I looked at the phone.
And I dialed the number.
It felt almost familiar, like I'd dialed this
number a million times before...
and I really wish it was like that.

So, I call her.
And some soft voice I don't recognize answers.
I ask for Gowri, and she comes on.
And she says hello.
And I can't say anything.
She says it again,
and this time I answer.
My voice sounds weak in my ears,
and I can't make it any louder.
I say: "You never called..."
she doesn't say anything for a long while.
And when I start to tell her that it's okay if
she doesn't want to be my friend,
I only get out' It's okay if..' and then
she tells me to hold on,
and puts the phone down.
I can hear the noise of it going down unto a table
sor some such surface,
and I can hear the noises in her house and the voices..
and it all just seems so far away.
So different.
A life I'm not a part of, a house I've never seen.
And...she comes back on the phone.
And she says she'll call me later,
she was about to go somewhere.
And I just...I say: "Like you called me before?"
and she says: "Fine, you call me later."
And I say "Sure, bye."
And she didn't hear me, so I repeat it.
I don't remember if she said bye to me.
I just remember hanging up the phone,
and just...staring at it.
And then the tears came,
and it was like I couldn't feel anything.
Not even the breath coming in and out of my lungs.
All there was was the hot trails of the tears.
And everything else just felt muted.
I didn't say anything, the tears just came.
And I remember being mildly surprised when
there were more then I expected.
And I just sat there.
And cried.
A good five minutes...
but it still hurts.
It wasn't the kind of cry I need.
A good, all out, noisy can't-breathe-can't-see kind of cry
that makes you feel like your very self has been washed out
and refreshed. I just feel tired.
My arms are heavy, and the keys beneath my fingers
feel odd, like typing is something I haven't done for awhile.
I got up after I was done crying for a second there...
to change my clothes because the ones I was wearing
held memories of when we were friends,
and I just couldn't.
And I just felt so confused, and I wasn't sure what to do.

I remember putting on a shirt and then a sweater,
putting the phone out of my room..
coming back in, and blocking the door.
And sitting here, and typing.

I've got a headache.
And I'm hungry, I should eat.
But there isn't anything good here...
and I really don't feel like it.

I remember feeling angry sometime during all that.
At Jenn.
But more at myself, for so blindly trusting her
and landing myself in this situation.

I haven't logged back on to facebook yet.
I don't want to make Amy feel as depressed as I am,
because I know she misses Gowri too.

Jaylin has just come in.
The light is off, and I told her to go away...
but in her typical fashion, she hasn't.
I suppose I'll just end this up here and try
to put on a cheerful smile and a happier frame of mind while I talk to her and be nice to her,
and get back on FBIM.

Because even if I don't want it to,
and even if I don't want to do anything,
life isn't going to put itself on pause for me.
And I am not going to ignore the people
I care about, and who care about me.

"And I know you're near me. I know you understand...say that you're with me, so you know my face like the back of your hand."

- 'February Air' -- Lights.
It's not february, I know.
But I was listening to this song...
and tryin to post.

And it was like, there was something in my brain.
The words, what I wanted to write.
Lurking, just beyond the surface.
Teasing me.
And I had a tiny little bit of knowledge of what it was,
but then it'd slip away...
and I'm trying and trying and trying and trying...
but the only image I can pull is this inky one,
filled with words for another place.
For here.
And I don't like it.

EXCITING NEWS.
About how Dollface is probably
almost for sure going to come visit
sometime in september of 2010.
I'm so excited, even though that's like...
a long ways away.
Like, 18 months or so.
But, whatever.
It'll be so fun!
We can go to hope, and we're thinking of driving down into Washington...
and there's the beach, since it'll still be warm.
And shopping.
And just..hanging out and talking and music,
and so much goodtimes.
I can't wait.

And I can't wait for FOB concert!
Only like, a month...give or take.

And my birthday! 20 something days, I think.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
<3

Umm.
Yeah.

Something scary happened to Dollface at work today.
Some big guy, saying he didn't want cheese but first he said he
did, and cussing and all these things. And it sounded scary.
She even said she was scared, and we're talking about AMY, here.
I mean, she talking about shooting peoples feet like it's nothing.
XD
No, I'm just kidding.
Only I'm not, because she does..
but..I'm not making much sense
because I'm crraazzzzyy hyper right now
and I'm just kind of blabbering on.

Not much as happened to me, today.
I got up only a few hours ago,
and I've mostly been in my room.

OH.
I beat manpower last night on FOBT.
I can't find the screenshot, but I'll post it later.
If I remember.

I also need to shower.
I never did yesterday.

Some random banners I made in paint.net today while I was bored.

It's really an awesome program to have on your computer,

since it is free and all.

Edit a picture in some program.

Softened things and added some glow,

sharpened the necklace...

yeah.

I'll put the edited one first and then the other,

so you can be amazed.

I don't know why I picked this one. I think because I liked the picture,

but it wasn't that great.

So I just used it while i randomly messed around and then...

ended up somehow with the finished product.

Edit:

Birthday photos, because I think I promised those last time.

Today smells like spring,
even though it started SNOWING
(I am not kidding you, here)
yesterday.
INSANE.
But right now the sky is a jumble of blue
and white with tiny hints of gray,
and everything looks fresh.

I slept well despite the loss of an hour.
Got woken up with breakfast, pretty much.
Chris knocked on the door and asked if I wanted
eggs and bacon and toast, etc.
So I went into the living room and we all had breakfast.
But Jaylin was still sleeping, because
James and his dad were in the living room all night until 5Am
watching TV, and it kept her up.

Tyler is at Carolin's, Jenns bff since like...they were my age or so.
Because we drove out there last night and hung out.
She gave me this cute shirt, (well, for her it was a shirt.
On me, it fits like a dress) that is reallllyyy cute.
I love it. I've been trying to think of an outfit.
I think I'll save it until it's warm enough to go bare-legged.
I'm sick of wearing leggings and tights and things.

Yesterday, there was the Baby shower.
it was nice.
Lots of yummy food.
Lol, and I had a drink.
There was this pomegranate punch stuff,
made out of Pom and some other juices and maybe some pop,
IDK.
And then Aunty Sharon had some vodka, and mom was
putting some in hers. And I asked if I could have one, and
she let me. The first one she gave me, was waayy to strong.
I took one sip and just passed it back, and she made me one with lesser.
I drank about 3 quarters of it, but then I started feeling kind of sick.
So I went and ate some sandwhiches and then I felt better.
Lol, it was fun.
I liked it.

Anyway.
Mostly, me and Jenn just took pictures of ourselves
and of everyone else.
And just..yeah.
It was kind of boring, but yeah.
Not too bad.
And then after the baby shower, Chris and the kids came and picked up me and Jenn,
and we just went out and drove around.

Today, in the morning, I had to sort out the internet.
We got this one tech on the phone, and she was an idiot.
She kept telling me it was a vista problem when I knew that it
wasn't and she was just stupid. And she ended up hanging up on my mom,
so we called back and got someone else and she was nice.
She told us these jokes, and it was funny.
There was even one I got to spoil for her.
Because it was: "What do you call a smart blonde?"
And I was like "A golden retriver!"
and there was this other one, but I don't remember.
Anyway.
My internet is working again.
It wasn't working because we got Telus TV and the guy fucked it up,
and the digital cable ended up being stupid too.
But whatever. I get to order movies at least,
so I'm happy.

Today I need to clean up my room,
it's a mess.
And I also want to take a walk,
and sometime today I need to upload pictures
onto facebook and onto the computer.

There will be time for role playing today, I hope.
I have this one intro I was supposed to write,
and then the posts for Amy.
The intro is only coming before her because A) I need to warm up.
B) I've owed this intro for longer. Plus, it's a bit worse when you put it off and you've
only just started. =/
Lol. But i was supposed to do it when I was sick, and then the mega flu came
and it was just impossible.

Anywayy....yeah.

lolcatz +lookbook = http://lolbook.nu/

Was out and busy for the past couple days, just doing things that
I felt like doing at the time.
Haven't even BEEN on the computer for more then 20 minutes at a time for the past 2 (3 including how today will be) days.
Yesterday I did some driving around with Jenn and them.
The fight has kind of blown over...because it would just be stupid
to hold a grudge and even stupider to continue to be sad when I have a
chance to just kind of shove it away.
The day before yesterday I was at Janets.
Played lots of rockband,
and I think I have a video I can upload later.
I have mastered playing guitar and singing on a whole bunch of songs,
including 2 fob ones and a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song.
I can play the drums too, but I don't like them that much.

Woke up in a way I don't like to wake up in.
Because I had to get out of bed right away to go
to the bathroom, and then my whole self just felt out of sync.
Sitting in my room now, eating some breakfast.
Listening to this song that's been on the radio that has been stuck in my head.
'Dead End Countdown' - The New Cities.
I'm not sure how great a song it really is,
but the guys voice is kind of appealing and it's just..IDK.
Catchy. Love it, really.
Haven't had much chance to check the lyrics, though.

I think there's somethnig stuck in my tooth.
I need to find the floss.
Especially before I go to Lindace's baby shower.
I knew about this event for a while, but I never knew when the date
was. Turns out, today.
I'll probably be wearing a black skirt, a red silk shirt underneath a slightly fitted gray one.
And then grayish shoes, I guess.
I wanted to wear a skirt because I don't really have any good pants,
and then the only one I haven't touched in a while was the black one.
And I thought 'black...to a baby shower?' and tried to add in the colour.
Hopefully it'll be good.

Lots of pics to share soon,
whenever I can sort them out and get on to facebook.
Some will be put up here, but only my favourites.

I've got a ton of stuff from JJ's b-day yesterday.
We all wore party hats, and the cake was amazing...
because /I/ made it. (:

I just wanted to say that no matter how it would seem,
I am not sitting here soaking in my miserable attitude...again.
It's just that this is my blog, and it's where a lot of thinking happens.
Which would explain what the entry below is, thoughts.

I just didn't want Amy to be sad, thinking that
I'm miserable. Because I'm not, really.
Not that much. Okay, maybe a little.
But I'll be fine.

I forgot all the things that I would say.

Today wasn't a very good day.
I looked good, and my hair was well behaved...
I found some good music..
had some cake...

but my sister thinks I'm gay,
and I don't really have any friends at all.
It's pretty depressing.
I cried quite a bit.

But I talked to my mom for a bit,
and she actually...was mom-ish.
She did all the things moms are supposed to do,
and even fed me a line or two of that bullshit
mom stuff.
But it made me feel better,
and I spent pretty much the rest of the day doing things
I hadn't for a while.

Like dancing to The Cab and sining to
YMAEWK.
And watched Video On Trail.
FOB was on it.
And most of my favourite Jurors.

My good white bra broke, the underwire came right out when I took it off to take a shower.

But mom fixed it for me.
I did get quite pissed off before that,
while I was still in the bathroom.
Silently.

Today was kind of one of those 'If I don't laugh, I'll cry' days.

Good music for such a day:

The Killers ('Change Your Mind', 'Smile Like You Mean it' and more, but I don't have the other songs I like because I can't find my CDs.)
Fall Out Boy ((From Under The Cork Tree.))
Tokyo Police Club ('Cut Cut Paste', 'Cheer It On', 'Be Good')
Paper Route ('Cityscape', 'Are We All Forgotten')
The Cab ('High Hopes in Velvet Ropes' , 'Bounce')
You, Me, And Everyone We Know ('...Because I Spit Hot Fire' )
Valencia ('Where Did You Go?')
Voxtrot ('Firecracker')
and other stuff.
I don't really know,
I just kind of randomly listening to things today.

I'm still pretty mad at Jenn.
Not just for the gay thing, but for other things too.

She doesn't pay attention to the things I say.
She'll listen, but she isn't hearing it.
Or sometimes, she isn't listening at all.
I'll be talking, and she'll completly cut me off.
And if I ever ask her about something,
she doesn't really give much of an opinion.
It's hurtful, I never noticed before.

And Seasons. She just talks to me to be nice.
And she only even IMs me on facebook to ask if Jenn is home.

When I was saying to Jenn about it,
she was like "Yeah, cause she's /my/ friend." and was kind of laughing.
It made me feel stupid, because I remember a time before
when things were different.
I don't know what's happened for things to change.
But it really does make me sad.
Because I know she's lying to me too, about something.
The something that has to do with Gowri,
and it makes me more sad.
Why else would she feel so bad about it?

I'm always nice to her, and I compliment her and talk to her about things.
She doesn't talk to me about things because she says that I wouldn't understand,
and then complains about how she has no one to talk to later.
One of her reasons for thinking I'm gay is because I don't talk to her about boys.
A) What boys do I know to talk about?
B) Why would I when she doesn't.

What do we even talk about anyway that's anything interesting or important?
When do we even /talk/ ?!
It's usually some form of a one-sided conversation.

I'm always getting left behind by her. I'm always getting ignored, or pushed to the side or something.
First it was when she would go out, when we were both young.
And then when she moved out around that same time.
And now, it's because of her kids and her problems, and all of these things that make her life hard.

I wish we could be the kind of sisters that you read about,
the kind of sisters that you see all the time and watch movies about.
But I don't think we ever will be.

I'm going to end this now,
because I have to put songs on my MP3 and then go to bed.
Because tomorrow me and mom are gonig to Janets house.
I hope I wake up in a better mood then the one I am going to sleep in.

P.S.: Dollface, on first glance, he kind of looked like Kellan Lutz. But only a little bit. When I compared, there wasn't much similarities after all.

I made *another* headband today.

More details at my other blog,

www.thisiswhatafashionbloglookslike.blogspot.com