I know this is a long one, but please read it anyway.

Today was a day that was very...bittersweet.
And everything seemed very comparisonable and
very relatable. But everything else that happened this week feels
like it's miles away, blown off on the wind.
Maybe even gone forever.

I bought a book the other day, I don't know if I mentioned.
'Blue is for nightmares' by....um.
Ha.
I don't remember the authors name off by heart,
mostly because the book wasn't very good.
It was thrilling and odd and mysterious and too well thought out.
It reminds me in ways of the Private series, only less.
I can't say that I know why I picked this book.
But hey, it's not a waste because it wasn't that awful...
plus, it was only about $5 at Black Bonds Books. or whatever that store is.
Anyway.
It feels like I read it last week, when in reality it was only yesterday or the day before.

Today I took the kids out to the park.
Because once again, Jenn and Chris had something to
do and those two were left behind.
It was fun to play and laugh and be whatever I should decide.
We took giant steps, tip-toed and stomped our way up the street,
intermingling a bit of freezing in there.
Because I would sometimes say 'STOP!' and we all would,
the kids wobbling slightly and never stopping exactly on time.
We ran and laughed.
Tyler fell, and so did Jaylin.
I took a spill later on, but I'll talk about that later.
We spread our arms out while running up the cul de sac near the old
half way point along the way I used to walk home when Gowri lived
on 94th, pretending to be airplanes. It reminded me of other carefree times,
running with the theatre kids in the hall, laughing and going fast enough
to work up a sweat.
We raced our way up the path behind the school forest near kennedy park,
and then went to the playground and played.
I climbed up on the handrailings like we all used to do when playing
that one kids game during the times our various classes would go out for a bit of playing
in the warm months.
You know that one, where someone is it and closes there eyes and tries to find the other people all scattered around, and if you're on the ground you're out?
Oh, right. Grounders.
Yeah, like that.
While Tyler eagerly helped J.J. climb around and go down the slide.
We went for a bit on the swings,
but Jaylin was a bit too small and fell off backwards.
I picked her up and sat down on the black coloured swing that's on the set,
and swung a bit to make her giggle.
We ended up walking back up to the playground,
and I did that old flip trick we learned in grade 6 off of the jungle gym.
Then we ran back down the trail, after coaxed them home with the chocolate I had in my pocket.
On the way back, we raced. I won, and Tye laughed for once instead of crying about it.
But then Jaylin was far behind, having fallen.
She cried so loud.
Her brother went and gave her a hug,
and then I was close behind to lift her into my arms.
There is very little time that I am touched by others,
I've realized this.
I think that (in our family at least) once you're a teenager and you've earned yourself a voice among the adults, comforting and hugs and everything else becomes rare.
I'd politely say that it has to do with staying out of peoples bubbles.
But I will admit I don't really know why.
It makes me reach more for my niece and nephews.
Give them kisses and hugs and pats on the back and everything else.
Like I'm sending over my love, little bits at a time.
They don't care about how I look, what I feel or how I think.
They don't care how smart I am or what kind of music I like.
They don't care about anything like that.
They just accept me and love me and need me, without question.
It makes me wish their lives would be better.
It gives me hope that their lives will be better, that all our lives will.

Change is coming.
I'm prepared to take it as it is and not want too much for other things.

Anyway. The chainlink railing. There's a pole, then another about a meter away, conected with the thick chaining. I ran over and then jumped.
It was sideways, one foot pulled up first with the other shortly after,
allowing me to jump up a bit more off the second.
The first time I wasn't trying and did it without hitting the chain.
The second, my toe clipped it.

Later, I took Tyler with me as I walked the dog.
More playing and racing and tireseome activity.
I saw Mrs. Chandler.
I didn't think she would say anything to me,
and I had a fleeting thought about how Gowri disliked her and how she was
supposedly a crazy cat lady.
She asked me about school,
asked my grade and where I was going.
We chatted about surrey connect,
and then we said out goodbyes.
I walked a bit, and saw Cora's mom.
She's disabled and in a chair of some sort.
Something with her legs,
either amputated or something else because they end too soon,
stubby and at least one footless.
I smile, politely.
She makes small talk about the dog, and we both stop for a second as she reaches a hand and Eddie goes to sniff.
He's frightened by the chair, but she pets him and it's okay.
We chat for a few seconds about the dog, whether he's a boy or a girl, if he's good.
We also talk a bit about dogs in general,
and then she says goodbye and we continue.
We went down the kirkbride road on the way home,
so that's how we saw her.
Anyway.
Tyler runs down the hill and I follow with Eddie.
We turn in to the cul de sac at the bottom of the hill where Indy used to live and
where Ryan and Gevena do live, and then into the path once again where the half way tree stands.
We roll down the hill.
First tyler, then me.
I'm a bit sore, and quite tired from the morning of running around.
I did even get up in the morning.
At lke, 8:30.
Anyway.
We get back to the chainlink railing, and I run again.
My first foot clears, and I think I'm going ot make it.
But the inner part of my calf doesn't make it and smacks the metal,
and I go down.
My ankle got hit a bit my the rope too, what with the awkward angle I hit the grass,
and my wrist hurt a bit because I had tried to brace my fall.
I laughed a bit, feeling only a bit of hurt as adreneline took over.
I wasn't t be bested, and stood to run again.
This time was like the second time,
and my toe only brushed along the chain.
It felt good to run and jump and stretch my limbs.
I've been packaged away for safe keeping for too long.
The weather is returning to a normal,
it's warm enough in the day that I can wear two sweaters and not a coat.
I don't even have to wear socks, my feet don't freeze.
The sun was out too, today.
I'm going to have a bruise from my tumble,
but I felt good for it.
It felt good being reckless and knowing something worse could've happened.
Felt even better knowing something worse didn't happen and I can do things that I
want to attempt.
I feel accomplished, somehow with this injury.
It felt like my smile was speaking to everyone we saw on the walk back to my house.
Only it wasn't a smile, it was a grin. And it wasn't speaking, it was shouting.
It said things like "See! All those months I spent locked away inside and I'm usefull still, not broken. I'm graceful! I would run forever if I could, this weather is unleashing a great energy and I just don't know what to do with it! So watch out, I might just whirlwind past you with this dog and this child and you might fall down from all the confusion at seeing someone so full of life!"
I was tired when I got home, after so long not doing much of anything and then a sudden blast of activity.
I tried to take a nap, and I think I did sleep a bit, but it didn't really work.

I didn't feel very beautiful all day.
I felt kind of just...rough.
Dirty like I didn't shower even though I did.
Messy,
and careless and restless and unsure of what to do with myself.
I want to go to the beach.
I've wanted to go the beach all this time, even when the snow was out.
I wanted to see it in an unfamiliar light.
Wanted to jump into the water even though it'd be frigid, just to feel the burning of cold and salt on my skin and the way the breath is forced ouf of my lungs.
I remember going to the beach once on mother's day a few years back, with Britney, Ma's grandaughter. I dipped my legs in, and it stung even though it was may.
I don't want to have to care about getting sick.
I want to do the things that make great stories and would keep as good memories.
I'm tired of not remembering days because there was nothing significant.
I need to mean something more.

So you can see, it was a bittersweet day.
Filled wth realizations and thoughts and...
memories, and things.
Not any one part was purely sweet or purely unpleasant.
Except for maybe the fact that I got two emails from Amy.
But even then, it isn't a completely joyful thing to think about.
It brings up so much more questions then relief.
"Why didn't she IM me, instead of email?"
"Why only 2 emails, without anything at all as to begin mending up the gap
that's grown between our knowledge of each other?"
"Where the hell is Tany, she should be enjoying this with me."

It's the last bit that made my day the most bitter and sweet.
Amy is back, but she did say only semi-ungrounded.
I might not see her until even next week.
And Tany.
No where in sight. I feel drenched now in guilt for ever wanting to be away from her for
several days, for ever being angry.
The anger is still there, of course.
But mostly, there is worry.

I have hope though.
Today I was listeing to my MP3.
I don't remember the song that was on,
but I looked at the time on it's screen,
and saw it was 11:11.
I wished that I'd get one of my bestfriends back to talk to.
I got that wish, and I wonder if all the others weren't granted
because I didn't really want those. I also wonder if I was just subconsiously saving up all my wishing power for when it really mattered.