And honestly, if I'm honest with myself...

There are so many disappointments and things I've left undone.
I feel like that was the price for being happy.
But today they're all catching up with me.
I don't want to be that brooding, sad thing anymore.
Life is hard.
I wish it could be easier.
I wish I could hit pause and carefully pick up all the things I've laid aside,
and put my life back in order.
But everything is still moving all around me.
And I get this urge to go back to bed.
I get this urge to cry.
I wonder if it's just PMS, but I know that the things I'm thinking are true.
It's my reaction that's false.



THE LIST OF THINGS I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT, BUT SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT ANYWAY.
-School, and how I could fail if I don't start now.
-How messy my room is.
-- All the things I no longer have.
-- All the things I've never had.
-- How I should just throw away all the clothes I know I won't wear, because they are ugly and they are just taking up space. But I like to think that there's more there then there is, and that's why I hang on to it all.
-All the Excuses I make as to why I haven't done the things I should've.
--"Jenn and the kids are here, so there's too much noise."
--"If I clean my room, it's just going to get messy again. Either by me, or someone else coming in here."
- That I may never see Tany ever again.
-- That it's my fault i won't see her.
-Eventually I will die.
--And all the ways it could happen.
--That I'll die alone.
--That I'll die without acomplishing the things I want to most.
-Being poor.
--Maybe I'll be poor my entire life.
-I'm kind of fat.
--And that I'll never be any other way.
-That my mom will die soon.
--And how guilty I am sometimes when I find myself wondering if she even loves anyone but her self.
-That I will never be happy.
-I might not find someone to love.
--I might not be able to start my own family eventually and be a mom.
-I might not ever get to travel anywhere.
-I'm probably not as smart as I sometimes think I am.
-I won't ever have that many friends, I think.
-That I can't change anything. It's hopeless.
--How pathetic it is that I can't even come up with any reasons as to why it's hopeless.

Those are some of my worries.
I didn't post them here to be comforted, or confronted or anything.
I'm just tired of pushing them off, it's like lying.