Note: I may be a tad overemotional today.
My cough/cold is all worse again.
Because JJ is finally over it, but she gave it to me again.
Fuck, I feel gross.
My throat is going to be hurting soon from the coughing, because I can feel it
starting too.
And my lungs feel...full. IDK.
And I'm hot, like I've got a fever.
Sucks.

Today will be a boring day.
Almost a waste of a day, really.
So far, at least.
That's how it's looking.
I could be productive and like, clean up and do school.
Cleaning up, sure.
School...I dunno.
Don't like that as much, can't blast the music and dance around because I have to actually focus.

I miss Tany.
A lot.
I still haven't called her.
I'm afraid I might start crying in the middle of it all.
And all the songs I love are making me depressed.
Because there's always a joke or a moment or something.
I hate it.
She's my bestfriend, it was supposed to always be that way.
And there isn't even anyone I could talk to about it,
because it's not like I really have any other friends besides
Dollface. Today, I feel like a loser.

Haven't heard from Dollface today, kinda weird.
I expected there to be an hours old post waiting for me
by the time I finally got home.
Infact, I was worrying over what she'd say about my
absence. Kinda sucks, but whatever.

I've got to pee really badly.
I'll post some interesting shit later.

We won't miss anything about today//Playlist.

'Your Taste Is My Attention' - Lydia.
'Shiver' - Motion City Soundtrack.
'Waste Myself' - This Providence.
'Holy Dances' - Beach House.
'Coastal Cities' - The Secret Handshake.
'Soft Rock Star' - Metric.
'I'll Meet You There' - Owl City.
'Citezins of Tomorrow' - Tokyo Police Club.
'I'm Not Saying Goodbye.' - A Rocket To The Moond.
'Cityscape' - Paper Route.
'C'mon C'mon' - The Von Bondies.
'Rabbit Ears' - Pompeii
'I Woke Up Near the Sea' - Lydia.

Let's just start over.

It is still all snowy.

Woke up, feeling okay.
But kind of depressed about how I'm going
to have to phone Tany.
It's worse, because I know exactly what
she's doing to me, because I've seen her do it
a dozen times or more to others.
But they didn't care as much as I do,
so it isn't fair.
Yet it is her choice to decide,
and I won't be some crazy ex bestfriend if she
really has decided things should be that way.

It's just stupid, because she doesn't even know.
If she had seen how bad Jenn felt, she would know
she wasn't lying like I know.
I know she wouldn't lie to me again,
because she read my blog that time I was pissed at her
and she knows.

Speaking of that.
She read my blog before and knows
also about how I get so depressed.
It's going to be so much worse when they aren't here,
and I just wish I could go with them.
I want things to be different and they won't be.

Surprisngly, I'm not really sad about these things anymore.
I'm just trying to live through it. Not really get over it,
but get through.
If this is the way my life is meant to go, then so be it.
I'll accept it and just try to make things better.


So it's another night in my bed'
Cause I can't sleep
And oh, it wears on your shoulders
Just please don't ever leave
Me here, don't ever leave
Don't you leave

Start out like a sailor
And bring back all you need
So everyone else can
Try and get some sleep...

- ' I Woke Up Near The Sea' - Lydia.
Been playing this a lot.
And same with 'I'll meet you there' - Owl City,
and 'Holy Dances' - Beach House.
+ 'Coastal Cities' - The Secret Handshake.
And some other Lydia tracks too.
Should check them out.
I'll be making another playlist today, so.
Yeah.

Also, did I mention I've now got the dry cough that everyone else has along with a whole lot of snot? It's annoying as fuck.

OH. And the camera charger doesn't work for anything but a few minutes, that's why it wasn't charging. We'll have to take it back.

I had more to say then what was in the below post, but I didn't feel like editing.

Umm.
It's snowing.
Jaylin got her ears pierced.
Burnt my hand because I touched a hot pan.
I was putting biscuts in it, and when it was full I went
to put it in the oven. I forgot it was hot, and it hurt.
But I ran it under cold water for a long time and then put on some
aloe and it's fine now.
I got my eyebrows done yesterday.
It hurt so fucking badly.
But it looks really cute.
I feel good today, even though i haven't even showered today.
My hair looks okay, I guess I didn't move around much while I was sleeping,
because it still looks kinda like it did yesterday, only a bit frizzy/poofy.

Seasons has this heart murur thing, right?
Her heart was hurting last night she said
and she almost like, died.
Is sad.

It's snowing, that's insane.

Um....yeah.
I dunno.
Kinda feeling crappy about this whole tan thing.
I'm not going to call her yet.
She said she was going to phone me back and never did,
and she lied to me.
If she doesn't want to be my friend, then fine.
Next time I talk to her, I'm just going to tell her a longer
and more detailed version of that and then say "So you can make a decision.
And either call me back, or not. If you don't, I promise not to bother calling you again."
And it's over the stupidest thing too.
She doesn't even know.
And it's not even my fault or anyone's fault, it's because some guy no one even knows
lied. I hate that. And I hate her for acting this way.
But I'm not going to let it bother me.

I've got my camera charger.
Just waiting for the battery to charge up.
Will probably take all night, since i've been trying it but it's not working yet.
So.
Yeah.
I'll just have to wait.

Who cares how the world remembers you? How will you remember yourself?

I hate that dude, srsly.
But he's got a point.

Also: http://www.fmylife.com/.
I read some things on there.
Made me feel like my life wasn't that bad.

Scratch all the other songs but Slow Down.
I was listening to them but they didn't help afterall.

I don't think Tany wants to talk to me.
I dont' want to go into much detail about it, though.

And Beach House is coming.
But it;s a club show.
Sucks.

A lot of suckage has happened in a short ammount of time.
And like I said to dollface, things can only get better.
Or at least, I can try and make them get better.

At least all my favourite clothes are clean.


SONGS THAT ARE AWESOME AND ARE CONTRIBUTING TO MY CHEERIER MOOD AND THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND IF YOU HAVEN'T ALL READY.

'Slow Down' - The Academy Is...
'Spin' - Taking Back Sunday.
'Lake Effect Kid' - Fall Out Boy.
'Taking Chances' - There For Tomorrow.
'Card House Dreamer' - This Providence.
'Citizens Of Tomorrow' - Tokyo Police Club.
'Date With A night' - Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
'Keep It On Wax' - Alexisonfire.

I know where Tany is.
I'm going to be sneaky and phone her.

I actually went to bed sometime around 12 last night.
Just woke up a bit ago, still pretty disoriented and groggy.
I thought the MP3 was good and for once put all the songs I wanted on, but it didn't.
It only put the songs from a-l.
Which is 92 songs.
This thing can hold 250.
I really have to find what the problem is here.
Because when I sync it, it says the files I want are on there.
But when I look for them, they aren't there.
Maybe it's just a complete piece and I need to get something else,
hm?

Last night when I was in the bathroom Jenn knocked because she had to go,
and then I got out and she went and then she came in my room
and we talked for a bit about all the annoying things about living here.
It was good.

Screaming for something real.

The above isn't any lyrics.
It just kind of came to me when I was
trying to think of a title and listening to
'I woke up near the sea' - Lydia.
Strange, since there isn't any screaming.
But not really.
It's because you can feel the emotion in the vocals.
He's giving it his all.
Same with Connor Oberst/Bright Eyes.
That's why I like the music, because it's
real.

Poison Oak - Bright Eyes.
Fear of Flying (acoustic, demo?) - A Rocket To The Moon.
I woke up near the sea - Lydia.
Run In The Front - Dear and the Headlights.
Holy Dances - Beach House.
Slow Down - The Academy Is...
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
Hello Lonely - Theory Of A Deadman.
The Fear - Lily Allen.
Elephant & Castle - The Age Of Rockets.
Ice Box - There For Tomorrow.
I'll Meet You There - owl City.
New Romantic - Laura Marling.
Tessellate - Tokyo Police Club.
The First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes.


In that exact order, too.
Only I won't be able to listen to it tonight that way, because of my MP3 doesn't do it in the order I want. It goes alphabetical, like a bitch.



To my darling husbandy: I tried to get you something.
But it didn't work.
I promise you tomorrow.

My room is half clean.
It looks pretty good.
I really need to vaccum though.
Haven't gotten around to replying to my husbandy's last yet.
I should. But I'm in the midst of making a playlist.
I'll do it when I'm done and syncing it to my crappy MP3 that doesn't do
the shit I want it to do.

Seriously.
It doesn't play the music very loud.
When I put songs on, a lot of the time it doesn't put
all of them on even though there is A TON of space.
And it has this annoying screen saver thing that comes on when
the music plays AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN THAT FEATURE OFF.

But it gets the job done, I guess.
Playlist to follow when I finish it.
Which will be soon.
Because I want to sleep soon.
Because I have a bit of a headache, and
my body is restless.

So.
Today, I'll be cleaning up my room.
For the rest of this week,
I'm going to shove everything else out of the way for once.
I don't want to.
I'd rather be on the computer rping and blogging and being bored and thinking the things I don't like to think about.
But, it seems that usually the right thing is the hardest thing.
So I'll be brave and jump right in.
I think that it'd be easier if I could make it fun.
If I had the camera charger, I'd take photos of all the things I thought were
lost or all the things somehow significant.
But, I don't have the charger.
And I'm not going to let that be another excuse.

And honestly, if I'm honest with myself... (part 2)

There was a few more things I forgot to say.

THINGS I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT, BUT THAT I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT ANYWAY.

-That my mom is jealous of my sister and gossips and tells lies so that I'll like my mother more. But I don't think she knows that it makes me like her less.
-That my mom isn't lying and my sister is doing what she says.
-That I always get this feeling like i have to choose sides.
-That I'll just be a dissapointment.
-The things I want to do with my life aren't things that 'matter' as much as other things.
-That maybe I could be ugly sometimes.
-That I won't ever get taller.
-There will always be more bad things then good.

THINGS THAT I WISH I HAD MORE OF.
-Time.
-Motivation.
-Bravery.
-Patience.
-Friends.
-Love.
-Happiness.
-Summery days.
-Truths.
-Books.
-Memories.
...and a whole lot of other things.
And then,
-Money.

And honestly, if I'm honest with myself...

There are so many disappointments and things I've left undone.
I feel like that was the price for being happy.
But today they're all catching up with me.
I don't want to be that brooding, sad thing anymore.
Life is hard.
I wish it could be easier.
I wish I could hit pause and carefully pick up all the things I've laid aside,
and put my life back in order.
But everything is still moving all around me.
And I get this urge to go back to bed.
I get this urge to cry.
I wonder if it's just PMS, but I know that the things I'm thinking are true.
It's my reaction that's false.



THE LIST OF THINGS I DON'T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT, BUT SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT ANYWAY.
-School, and how I could fail if I don't start now.
-How messy my room is.
-- All the things I no longer have.
-- All the things I've never had.
-- How I should just throw away all the clothes I know I won't wear, because they are ugly and they are just taking up space. But I like to think that there's more there then there is, and that's why I hang on to it all.
-All the Excuses I make as to why I haven't done the things I should've.
--"Jenn and the kids are here, so there's too much noise."
--"If I clean my room, it's just going to get messy again. Either by me, or someone else coming in here."
- That I may never see Tany ever again.
-- That it's my fault i won't see her.
-Eventually I will die.
--And all the ways it could happen.
--That I'll die alone.
--That I'll die without acomplishing the things I want to most.
-Being poor.
--Maybe I'll be poor my entire life.
-I'm kind of fat.
--And that I'll never be any other way.
-That my mom will die soon.
--And how guilty I am sometimes when I find myself wondering if she even loves anyone but her self.
-That I will never be happy.
-I might not find someone to love.
--I might not be able to start my own family eventually and be a mom.
-I might not ever get to travel anywhere.
-I'm probably not as smart as I sometimes think I am.
-I won't ever have that many friends, I think.
-That I can't change anything. It's hopeless.
--How pathetic it is that I can't even come up with any reasons as to why it's hopeless.

Those are some of my worries.
I didn't post them here to be comforted, or confronted or anything.
I'm just tired of pushing them off, it's like lying.

Currently, I am holding a baby.

Also I got my period.

I'm wondering if dollface will be on later to

distract me from the pain.

Right now I'm okay though.

I've got on some soft music,

and an adorable little almost sleeping Nicholas in my arms.

I'll take a pic.

My dad got me that flower.

It was out of the boquet he got my mom, but all the same.

Note: new camera isn't up yet.

Need to get a docking station thing to charge the battery,
it's weird.
Also, Jenn didn't get that place in white rock. Suckss!

*Click to make it biggerr.

Dollface is at work today from 11-9.
so I probably won't see her.
Kind of sucks, but meh.
I know she's probably thinking about me,
like I'm thinking about her.

Still no word from Tany.
Mom said she'd phone her brother,
because she has the number.
She was going to do it last night,
but then didn't.

Ha. I just got like, a spam email from 'Culinary Schools'
that makes me miss them both a tiny bit more.
Because when I go to check my email, they'll
be a reminder of something they both love.

Besides that, all I can think about today is spending a summer
tanning and at the beach.
Jenn looked at this place the other day in white rock.
4brdms, and really nice.
With 3 small patios.
The yard is just like this small courtyard thing, with cement floor.
But all around it is like flowers, to be pretty.
It's all fenced in, though.
So we can tan there in very little and no one will see us,
and we'll get the perfect tan.
This summer I am determined to get past this super whiteness.
I love how it makes me look so alien and unreal and all that,
but still. It'd be nice to see how the other half lives.
Plus, spending all that time in the sun will make my hair lighter.
It's still brownish when it's not in the sun,
and I hate that. I love the colour it turns in the light,
like a new penny.
That's part of what I love about summer.
I love the colours.
The blue blue sky, the green-blue ocean.
Brown sand.
The white of my bare legs when I walk around in shorts or a dress/skirt.
I just love it. All of it.
The heat, I love it. The smells, I love it.
You can smell everything in summer.
The grass, the trees, the surf, the city, the people,
the food. You pull a breath, and you're breathing in the culture.

Today, I am alive outside.
Photo to follow whenever I get my camrea, take one,
and do it up like the others.

I like 'Alive on the internet' better then 'Alive in real life'

I think i may do more things like those.
I like how it looks.

Note: make sure to click them to make them bigger and therefore,
more easily viewed.

Alive on the internet, dead in real life.

Did this while rping with dollface and waiting for her to post.
I am totally drained.
Sleep will be coming ASAP.

Note: I finished my posts.
They are saddening.
But, I like it. And I can't wait until tomorrow.
Note: may be getting a camera that jenn got.
Cam corder that also takes pics. 150$. Yeaahh.

Dead on the internet, alive in real life.

Dead on the internet -- I wasn't on all day. Alive in real life -- Hung out with Jenn/Chris/Seasons.

I was going to do things today, but then I got a headache and decided I needed to stay home.

Note; that video is actually from awhile ago, but whatever.
Also, not my best playing. The music was distracting because
I hadn't heard most of it before, since I was on last.fm radio.

Christmas with /you/ is the best.

Christmas with you will always be the best.

I've re-caught the cold that's going around.
I feel like my head is disconnected from my body.
And I feel like my brain is disconnected from my head.

And, my back hurts too.
Maybe I'll draw a pic later of how it feels.

Hanging out with everybody.
James has a plan to make the mornings run smoothly.

" K, jenn. You say to chris 'Good morning sweetie!' and then
chris, you say 'Good morning lovebunny!"

and then jenn and chris tried to do it, but chris kept making a joke and it was funny.

I've been sleeping with the lights on baby.

I know, it drives you crazy...

Also:
Haven't been able to get all of my music over on here.
I guess I'll just have to start virtually from scratch.
And that fucking sucks.

Haven't talked much to dollface in the past couple days.
Still haven't heard from Tany.

I'm having a pretty crappy last couple of days.
I'm just...all over the place.

Been listening to Last.fm radio.
Currently, my favourite song is 'No Past Land' - Russian Red.
I can't find anywhere to download it, though.
I'll keep trying.

Smoke & Mirrors.

I just got a new laptop. It has a built in webcam.

From a while ago.
But I don't remeber if i posted it or not.

---
Video call between me and gowri.

Today was the first time we (dollface and myself) can remember that I actually asked to be kidnapped by my husband.

Anyway.

I actually did start a new scarpblog.

I'll show the front page.

And maybe you'll eventually get to see the whole thing.

(click it to see it in full.)

Well, this makes a bad day worse.

I went on to scrapblog to make an album.
I was going to construct one for my current playlist,
putting thing themed to the songs and having a title page,
and it would just be a neat way to present it all, you know?
But then I went on there, and you have to pay for the majority of things now.
All the free stickers are crappy,
and I lost interest because I didn't want to search forever to find something
that was good.

It's odd the things you notice when you miss someone.
Like, I'm missing Tan.
I keep thinking about things she might say about this or that.
Like how I've been listening to that PCD song, she'd tease me
mercilessly.
I keep seeing all the thing she's left at my house or that I've borrowed.
Like, right now, the pink lipstick from mac.
It's like a candy floss pink colour, but on the label it says:

Lustre.
PLINK!

I've been wearing it.
It's a pretty shade, and I feel like it
it's kind of like a secret connection between us.
Like maybe she'll know all the things I've been saying
because of what I'm wearing on my lips.

And just a few minutes ago when I was looking through my closet.
A pair of her shank jeans are in there, as well as her blue billabong dress.
The green billabong dress, too.
The one she gave to me that was initially hers.
And her Juicy Couture earrings she never wears
and let me borrow.
I've yet to wear them too.

She has 6 days, and then, the hunt is on.


Haven't heard from Dollface yet.
Probably going to grab a shower soon.
Walk the dog.
NOT get abducted on my way back!
But, I might end up going at around 1-ish because
of when they get Tyler from school.

We were supposed to play scrabble last night,
but Jenn ended up going to bed.
Maybe tonight.

You know, it's odd.
The word 'we', I mean.
How it changes to fit your purpose.
It makes me miss Gowri more, because before 'we'
always meant me and her.
Because 'we' would always be going out
and doing things or hanging out or talking or
something.
You know what I mean?

Dinner Party.

Remember that place with the grilled cheese?

They want ideas for sandwhiches.

You might even get one named after you.

I attatached a pic of the email I sent in.

Send your own to 44thwarddinnerparty@gmail.com

(:

"You're not leaving much to the imagination in those pretty high heels."

'Bad Girlfriend' - Theory Of A Deadman. (This song is 'badass'. 'Nough said.)
'Help! I'm Alive' & 'Hustle Rose' - Metric.
'Hot As Ice' - Britney Spears.
'Move For Me' - Deadmau5 ft. Kaskade.
'Tender Buttons' - Broadcast.
'Appologies' - Dropping Daylight. (Amy'd like this band, I think.)
'Another Girl Another Planet' - Blink-182. (Because of the comeback.)
'Wrecking Ball' - Viva Voce.
'Be Good' - Tokyo Police Club.
'Try' - Dear and the Headlights. (Because, it's DATH.)
'Cheated Hearts' - Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
'This Longing' - Neverending White Lights.
'Lovlier Girl' - Beach House.
'Unaware' - The Midway State.
'Tonight I Love You' - The Latency.
'Right Round' - Florida.
'She's My Winona' & 'I slep with someone in fall out boy...' & 'West Coast Smoker' - Fall Out Boy.
'February Air' & 'It's Over Casanova' - Lights.
'Night Magestic' - Au Revoir Simone.
'Rabbit Ears' - Pompeii. (because I got this free from last.fm! And I love it! XD)
'Open Book' - The Rakes.
'Damned' - Eva Avila. (Because she is awesome/won CI i think.)
'How Did We Forget' - El Perro del Mar.
'I Hate This Part' - The Pussycat Dolls. (Because it doesn't sounds like PCD.)
'C'mon C'mon' - The Von Bondies.
' She Puts the Ho in Homewrecker' - LoveHateHero. (Unexpect choice, yes? Also, the source of the title.)

---
I was sick of the things on my MP3, so I changed it all around.
Above is some of the things I added.
But not everything, the list is quite lengthy.

I saw a post secret last week that had a CD and it said: "I make mix cds and put them in random peoples mailboxes"

I'm thinking about if I want to do that.

There's so much good music I'd love to share with the world.

http://blink182.com/


If I don't go to that tour, I'll never forgive myself.

I would love a ban.do headband like the ones below.

I didn't know that I posted this.

Hell, I didn't even remember I WROTE that.
But it's good.
I'm surprised.

I'm sore from sleeping in odd positions.
I think I shall shower soon.

It was funny, I downloaded British Sea Power and didn't really listen to them,
I just kind of put it off.
But then I listened to 'Waving Flags' or whatever it's called,
and then I liked it.
They are kind of like Death Cab For Cutie mixed with Cold Play mixed with Unkle Bob mixed with..I don't know. Their stuff is just familiar, and that's kind of soothing.
I haven't bothered to look up any lyrics yet, but whatever.
That can always wait.

Needing some alone time today.
I'm around everyone just too much,
it makes my nerves raw.

I haven't been able to get a really good nights sleep,
I always get woken up super early at like 9.
Which I hate.
And it's always to some form of yelling or someone coming in or...whatever.
It's annoying.
All of my clothes are dirty, I think.
Most of them, anyway.
There isn't anything I want to wear.
It's either too cold or too hot.
This transitional period is not to my liking.
But, I'll deal with it because soon it will be spring.

I know this is a long one, but please read it anyway.

Today was a day that was very...bittersweet.
And everything seemed very comparisonable and
very relatable. But everything else that happened this week feels
like it's miles away, blown off on the wind.
Maybe even gone forever.

I bought a book the other day, I don't know if I mentioned.
'Blue is for nightmares' by....um.
Ha.
I don't remember the authors name off by heart,
mostly because the book wasn't very good.
It was thrilling and odd and mysterious and too well thought out.
It reminds me in ways of the Private series, only less.
I can't say that I know why I picked this book.
But hey, it's not a waste because it wasn't that awful...
plus, it was only about $5 at Black Bonds Books. or whatever that store is.
Anyway.
It feels like I read it last week, when in reality it was only yesterday or the day before.

Today I took the kids out to the park.
Because once again, Jenn and Chris had something to
do and those two were left behind.
It was fun to play and laugh and be whatever I should decide.
We took giant steps, tip-toed and stomped our way up the street,
intermingling a bit of freezing in there.
Because I would sometimes say 'STOP!' and we all would,
the kids wobbling slightly and never stopping exactly on time.
We ran and laughed.
Tyler fell, and so did Jaylin.
I took a spill later on, but I'll talk about that later.
We spread our arms out while running up the cul de sac near the old
half way point along the way I used to walk home when Gowri lived
on 94th, pretending to be airplanes. It reminded me of other carefree times,
running with the theatre kids in the hall, laughing and going fast enough
to work up a sweat.
We raced our way up the path behind the school forest near kennedy park,
and then went to the playground and played.
I climbed up on the handrailings like we all used to do when playing
that one kids game during the times our various classes would go out for a bit of playing
in the warm months.
You know that one, where someone is it and closes there eyes and tries to find the other people all scattered around, and if you're on the ground you're out?
Oh, right. Grounders.
Yeah, like that.
While Tyler eagerly helped J.J. climb around and go down the slide.
We went for a bit on the swings,
but Jaylin was a bit too small and fell off backwards.
I picked her up and sat down on the black coloured swing that's on the set,
and swung a bit to make her giggle.
We ended up walking back up to the playground,
and I did that old flip trick we learned in grade 6 off of the jungle gym.
Then we ran back down the trail, after coaxed them home with the chocolate I had in my pocket.
On the way back, we raced. I won, and Tye laughed for once instead of crying about it.
But then Jaylin was far behind, having fallen.
She cried so loud.
Her brother went and gave her a hug,
and then I was close behind to lift her into my arms.
There is very little time that I am touched by others,
I've realized this.
I think that (in our family at least) once you're a teenager and you've earned yourself a voice among the adults, comforting and hugs and everything else becomes rare.
I'd politely say that it has to do with staying out of peoples bubbles.
But I will admit I don't really know why.
It makes me reach more for my niece and nephews.
Give them kisses and hugs and pats on the back and everything else.
Like I'm sending over my love, little bits at a time.
They don't care about how I look, what I feel or how I think.
They don't care how smart I am or what kind of music I like.
They don't care about anything like that.
They just accept me and love me and need me, without question.
It makes me wish their lives would be better.
It gives me hope that their lives will be better, that all our lives will.

Change is coming.
I'm prepared to take it as it is and not want too much for other things.

Anyway. The chainlink railing. There's a pole, then another about a meter away, conected with the thick chaining. I ran over and then jumped.
It was sideways, one foot pulled up first with the other shortly after,
allowing me to jump up a bit more off the second.
The first time I wasn't trying and did it without hitting the chain.
The second, my toe clipped it.

Later, I took Tyler with me as I walked the dog.
More playing and racing and tireseome activity.
I saw Mrs. Chandler.
I didn't think she would say anything to me,
and I had a fleeting thought about how Gowri disliked her and how she was
supposedly a crazy cat lady.
She asked me about school,
asked my grade and where I was going.
We chatted about surrey connect,
and then we said out goodbyes.
I walked a bit, and saw Cora's mom.
She's disabled and in a chair of some sort.
Something with her legs,
either amputated or something else because they end too soon,
stubby and at least one footless.
I smile, politely.
She makes small talk about the dog, and we both stop for a second as she reaches a hand and Eddie goes to sniff.
He's frightened by the chair, but she pets him and it's okay.
We chat for a few seconds about the dog, whether he's a boy or a girl, if he's good.
We also talk a bit about dogs in general,
and then she says goodbye and we continue.
We went down the kirkbride road on the way home,
so that's how we saw her.
Anyway.
Tyler runs down the hill and I follow with Eddie.
We turn in to the cul de sac at the bottom of the hill where Indy used to live and
where Ryan and Gevena do live, and then into the path once again where the half way tree stands.
We roll down the hill.
First tyler, then me.
I'm a bit sore, and quite tired from the morning of running around.
I did even get up in the morning.
At lke, 8:30.
Anyway.
We get back to the chainlink railing, and I run again.
My first foot clears, and I think I'm going ot make it.
But the inner part of my calf doesn't make it and smacks the metal,
and I go down.
My ankle got hit a bit my the rope too, what with the awkward angle I hit the grass,
and my wrist hurt a bit because I had tried to brace my fall.
I laughed a bit, feeling only a bit of hurt as adreneline took over.
I wasn't t be bested, and stood to run again.
This time was like the second time,
and my toe only brushed along the chain.
It felt good to run and jump and stretch my limbs.
I've been packaged away for safe keeping for too long.
The weather is returning to a normal,
it's warm enough in the day that I can wear two sweaters and not a coat.
I don't even have to wear socks, my feet don't freeze.
The sun was out too, today.
I'm going to have a bruise from my tumble,
but I felt good for it.
It felt good being reckless and knowing something worse could've happened.
Felt even better knowing something worse didn't happen and I can do things that I
want to attempt.
I feel accomplished, somehow with this injury.
It felt like my smile was speaking to everyone we saw on the walk back to my house.
Only it wasn't a smile, it was a grin. And it wasn't speaking, it was shouting.
It said things like "See! All those months I spent locked away inside and I'm usefull still, not broken. I'm graceful! I would run forever if I could, this weather is unleashing a great energy and I just don't know what to do with it! So watch out, I might just whirlwind past you with this dog and this child and you might fall down from all the confusion at seeing someone so full of life!"
I was tired when I got home, after so long not doing much of anything and then a sudden blast of activity.
I tried to take a nap, and I think I did sleep a bit, but it didn't really work.

I didn't feel very beautiful all day.
I felt kind of just...rough.
Dirty like I didn't shower even though I did.
Messy,
and careless and restless and unsure of what to do with myself.
I want to go to the beach.
I've wanted to go the beach all this time, even when the snow was out.
I wanted to see it in an unfamiliar light.
Wanted to jump into the water even though it'd be frigid, just to feel the burning of cold and salt on my skin and the way the breath is forced ouf of my lungs.
I remember going to the beach once on mother's day a few years back, with Britney, Ma's grandaughter. I dipped my legs in, and it stung even though it was may.
I don't want to have to care about getting sick.
I want to do the things that make great stories and would keep as good memories.
I'm tired of not remembering days because there was nothing significant.
I need to mean something more.

So you can see, it was a bittersweet day.
Filled wth realizations and thoughts and...
memories, and things.
Not any one part was purely sweet or purely unpleasant.
Except for maybe the fact that I got two emails from Amy.
But even then, it isn't a completely joyful thing to think about.
It brings up so much more questions then relief.
"Why didn't she IM me, instead of email?"
"Why only 2 emails, without anything at all as to begin mending up the gap
that's grown between our knowledge of each other?"
"Where the hell is Tany, she should be enjoying this with me."

It's the last bit that made my day the most bitter and sweet.
Amy is back, but she did say only semi-ungrounded.
I might not see her until even next week.
And Tany.
No where in sight. I feel drenched now in guilt for ever wanting to be away from her for
several days, for ever being angry.
The anger is still there, of course.
But mostly, there is worry.

I have hope though.
Today I was listeing to my MP3.
I don't remember the song that was on,
but I looked at the time on it's screen,
and saw it was 11:11.
I wished that I'd get one of my bestfriends back to talk to.
I got that wish, and I wonder if all the others weren't granted
because I didn't really want those. I also wonder if I was just subconsiously saving up all my wishing power for when it really mattered.

In my ears tonight:

'Nothing Could Come Between Us' - Theory Of A Deadman.
'Marbles' - Its A Buffalo.
'Try' & 'I know' - Dear and the Headlights.
'Sleep' - Taking Back Sunday.
'Ocean Between' - Thus Providence.
'Catch Me if You can (demo)' - Fall Out Boy.
'Karma Police (cover)' - Panic At The Disco.
'Be Less Rude' - Frightened Rabbit.
'Be Good' - Tokyo Police Club.

And a lot more, but I am lazy.

Note: I just remembered about how Erica liked Tokio Hotel before they were cool.
Gives me another reason to dislike her.

See, I know a few of your favourite things.

The past couple days have been a whirlwind of fighting,
worry, hurt/sickness and birthdays.

The house got in a big fight,
and I took a bit of a beating.
Not going to go into all the details here,
but I took a few punches to the head and some hair pulling, got pushed a bit.
Kind of sore, don't really feel 'there' right now.
But it was worse yesterday, or rather the day befre yesterday.
Because it happened the day before the day before yesterday.

Everyone is peacefull for now.
I have a cold.
It's chris's birthday.
Jaylin took a bunch of keys off my laptop.
They are all back on except two: o and i.
But I'm getting along just fine.

I'm going crazy.
Every time I phone Tan, no one answers.
I went there, but no one was there.
Not sure what to do, really.

Wishing dollface could be ungrounded.
I'm getting to the point where I might email her mom
and ask when.
=/

Today: detailed and sincere version.

I cleaned my room today.
Just now, actually.
Wearing my favourite pair of blue shorts from the summer and my teal sweater.
I did my hair up in a bun, but it was better then any bun I've ever seen on myself.
My hair still looked soft, and the colours shone. There was a bit of a braid done on some of the front part, and I just pulled it around and tucked the end up into the mass of hair I twirled into a slightly poofy updo/bun/thing.
I set one pin in to make it a bit less puffy on the side without the braid, and I tucked another in on the side with the braid because the one part kept getting in my eye.

Tonight was a night of relaxation and regrouping.
I thought a lot, and I didn't mind it.
I've taken a long break from being trapped away in my own little tower,
it's nice to be let down but I'm missing the girl I am when I'm
my solitary self. Yet, I love the girl I could be when I'm
out galavanting across the province.

One thing I can agree on wholeheartedly though, is that
I cannot wait for summer.
I can't wait for dresses without leggings.
Sun, sun, sun and more sun.
Unbearable warmth.
Swimming.
Playland and the beach.
Sitting in the bath tub,
wearing flip flops.
Staying out late, because the sun doesn't set until as late as almost 11 on some days.

Another thing I can agree on is that I am completely excited about seeing fall out boy for the second time and Cobra Starship for the third.
Concerts are the best.
I can't wait to let go completely of the world I'm in everyday and get caught up
in something more. Something...bigger.

When I clean my room, I come out with lots of bits and pieces.
I found like 10 hair ties, all of which are strewn around on various objects so I'll be able to find them later. I found the long orange ribbon from the one skirt gowri let me have from her house,
and I tied it up into my hair like a headband.
I found my camppotlatch application, still waiting to be filled out.
There was the hot water bottle I'd forgotten about since I'm no longer feeling ill,
the '****' live DVD, a brush, two pairs of nail clippers, my favourite scarf.

But there was also the tin that had had candy canes in it.
The one I got from Amy as part of my christmas present.
I didn't know what to put in it,
and then my eyes fell onto the letter she'd written.
I tugged it off the wall, and just sat down on my bed for a second.
I read it through, smiling and some parts..frowning at others.
Tracing the creases with my fingers when I was done and thinking of how much I miss her and how many days it's been.
I thought about her life, and how it might've been for her when she packaged up her love and sent it away with a hope it'd reach us. I thought about the gifts we recieved, and how they had lived in another place I might not ever see. I thought about how they saw another sky, another house, other people, other memories. And I wished that I could see those things, even if it were only through the eyes of another. I thought about all the things we haven't been able to see, show and communicate to one another through all this time. I wonder if she's changed. I wonder if I've changed. I wonder most of all, how it'll be when she's returned.
I wonder if that moment will be soon.

The other day I went to Tany's.
Yesterday, I suppose it was.
No one was home.
I'm supposing no one was home today, since I haven't heard from her.
She hasn't even written in her blog.
But, she might be home.
Just keeping her distance as I foolishly stated that was what I wanted.
I'm still angry.
But I don't know anymore what I want to do about that.

Earlier tonight Chris, Tyler and Jaylin were out on the porch.
Me and Chris lighting off bottle rockets and other things like that,
lighting up the night sky and making the neighbours jump.
We did it on monday too, only in the day.
It's more beautiful when the fire is against the inky evening sky.

Today we drove around.
I almost got a tatto.
Did I mention?
Mom said it was okay if I got one.
A small one.
That I can't ever let my father see.
Me and Jenn are going to get something slightly similar.
I'll post pictures when it's done so you can see.
I did tell about their friend Carson who does tattos, right?
Because I think I have.
I'm worried it's going to hurt,
but I think more I'm going to like it.

I'm going to do some school work.
Finish off unit one.
Then tomorrow sometime do my science experiment.
Play my guitar.
Work on getting a math tutor.

I forgot to mention that the other day I applied to a literate+ forum.
They accepted me, and I feel almost unworthy.
I haven't started any role plays there, yet.
But I've posted an add and I've posted an about me,
so hopefully soon.
They aren't very active, to really.

You could look at the forum, if you wanted.
Sine Qua Non.

I'll be putting some songs on the MP3 after it's charged.
Maybe I'll put up a playlist or some songs or something.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore.
I'm not sure if I'm okay with that or not.

Now would be a good time for Dollface to get ungrounded.

I had a shower today.
When I got out, my mom asked me if I wanted to try out the
blowdrying hair curler/straightner she got.
She got this round brush-like curling attatchment...
and wrapped up some of my hair...
and then we couldn't get it out.

It tangled up in my hair...
and then it dried.
And it matted.

Jenn wasn't home, or she would've helped.
And mom was babysitting Nick,
so james was trying to untangle it because
the baby was fussing and mom couldn't do it
since she had to deal with the baby.
Jenn came home, and her and james
got some untangled, and then we had to cut the rest out.

I cried so much.
I still kind of want to cry.
You can't really notice, but I hate it.