I'm really sick of people.

Like, honestly.

It's just like, getting...to that point.

I suppose in many ways this is

better then what I normally

am going through.

But I can feel that too.

It's creeping up on me,

like a sneak.

I was walking home with my mom from Janet's,

and she was just talking away.

Being her usual self.

Gossiping, and pointing things out.

I was so annoyed, it was just like..

every word and every syllable and every

action and every single thing was just...

grating against my nerves.

I'd make some funny joke about cheese

just now, but I can't make light of this.

I can't throw tantrums,

and I can't tell the truth.

When my mom asks me how I am,

I can't reply with "Awful. I

feel like I'm splitting apart

at the seams, and every day is a

test I'd rather not endure."

Seriously though, I can just..

feel it.

Like, we were walking down the road

and I just wanted to scream at her.

I very nearly did.

I could barely force out that I

was so sick of everyone, and everything.

I feel like I can't talk about how I feel anymore.

I can't drag someone else down with my problems.

It's bad enough that everytime I write a

blog like this tany says "Your blog made me sad. ):"

It's even worse that I can get her off

with a simple "I know. I'd rather not talk about it."

No one ever says "Well, maybe you should."

No one ever sees what I need.

What I want.

I never get what I want.

I always give in to what everyone else wants.

I don't have the guts to be selfish.

I was thinking, while I was walking.

It was raining, and damp.

And I was just..irritable. Like I so often am these days.

And, I was thinking about silence.

What it means to me.

Exactly why I was so upset the other day

when dollface was so quiet.

To me, silence is giving up.

Neglegence means the thing you ignore unimportant.

Silence, is anger.

It's...when you're stuck with your thoughts

and your feelings, and everything.

Silence is a trap.

One I put myself in much to often.

I am a people pleaser.

And it appears I have gotten so comfortable here.

And that everyone else is too.

"Everything can be changed."

An yet, it can't.

I wish the world would just be quiet.

I wish there was somewhere I could hide away,

be alone. Music, and nothing else.

And at the same time,

I just...wish that I had someone.

To hug, and love. And..someone that

could listen to me, and..would just know what

to say. Things like "Aww." etc, just make

me feel worse.

I don't want to know how you feel about it.

I don't want to know what YOU would do.

Or, about how you don't know what to say.

Because everyone is always being like that.

And it just feels fake.

It feels wrong.

Like there isn't any caring there.

The words are just words,

and they're empty.

I feel like in most situations,

I'm taken for granted.

And on the flip side, there's so many times I wonder if

it's not that at all.

If it's that, I'm not worthy.

And...the possible uncaring attitudes

of those around me is

just a sign that I'm everything

that I deny myself I am.

Every bad day, and every moment

of frustration.

I am not this.

This ungrateful, hurting girl.

This lost person, with

so many wishes and so many needs and wants.

I am not.

I don't want to be.

I don't want this.

And honestly, the thing that is so surprising.

The thing that tips the scales in a negative way?

No extra consideration is given.

Or rather, shown to me.

Every last "I'm fine." and every last

"I don't want to talk about it."

It just accepted. Every statement in this blog

that hints at how I feel,

and every picture

or song or way that things

are or have been... are not brought up.

And I'm stuck in this lull.

Losing focus and losing touch and...

unable to speak.

Sick of the effort.

Sick of this tight feeling in my throat,

because I never let the tears fall.

I don't know how things are anymore.

I do know one thing though.

I have a headache, and I wish

more then anything we still

had the ipod.

To curl up on my bed

in the dark and just drift...

it'd be bliss.