Edit: Upon reading offline instant messeges that
were solely about having to go, I don't feel as bad.
I guess it doesn't matter what I was feeling.
Not enough for there to be comment on it.
I'm always so worried I'm being selfish, well.
I don't think it's just me anymore.

I waited today, for dollface to come on.
It was about...4pm, when she finally did.
All the hours she was here, conversation
was scarce.
It's like that a lot lately, and I'm sick
of being the one to bridge the gap.

There's just...this pressure on me, from
every imaginable angle, and then...
from my friends.
I have..more.
Have to balance my time,
and adhear to what they want,
and have patience and...
And I don't want to right now.

There's just things I'm supposed to...keep track of.
And, feelings I have to worry about.
And..i'm supposed to be the one with the problems.
I'm supposed to be the one that gets asked if anything was wrong.
The one that my secret thoughts get picked up on...

and fuck.
I don't even want to think about this right now.
I don't even CARE about this.
Honestly, I don't.
I don't care that I have to take care of everyone.
It's what I do.
I don't mind it.

It's just...when I give so much
thought and time and feelings
and, everything into something.
And then get accused of not caring,
it pushes me that extra inch.
Thet little bit more to the edge.
And here I am, precariously close to this
drop point. And I'm kicking,
and I'm screaming and it's clear I don't want to go over.
And everyone knows I'm fragile right now,
but still.
She went there.
And she didn't think.
And I just wonder a lot lately.
"Do you even know me?"
Because there is serious room for doubt right now.
I...
Family?
I love my family, okay.
But..you can't change your family relationships.
You can't forage new boundaries,
or say to someone "Look, I just don't think
we should talk anymore."
With friends you can.
Friends are supposed to be there for you,
and know who you are, and understand things.
With family there's room for miscommunications.
There, is excuses for it.
But...I can't deal with that from people
that I'm supposed to trust.
Trust with out much reason to trust, except for
that they say I can. Except for that I have been
able to thus far.

I just can't.
And now I'm in pieces all over again.
After having such a safe week.
After actually being happy today,
this entire weekend.
This, entire..half of the week were I could
keep it together.

But no. It's not really that that bothers me.
It's the double standard.

" 'Do you still love me?'

'Do you honestly think so little of me?' "

Comes to mind.

I don't care anyway?
So, this is me not caring?
Well news flash, because caring
about someone is loving them.

And, saying that you couldn't help about today.
And me, saying that it's not my fault either and
if I'm busy monday...
And then it's made out like I'm an awful person.
Without even knowing what I could be busy with.

But oh, it's fine if it's family.
But shopping would not be fine.
But oh, you'd forgive me for
that anyway, I'd just owe you.

Well..fine.
If that's how things are supposed
to be, and you're happy with that then fine.

At least one of us will be happy.