Edit: I wrote this and after posting my newer post,
felt like taking this down.
Words spring up when you let your mind wander.
Feelings were once felt but are now gone.
Days stretch forever for me, lately.
I think I switch moods a billion times.
No wonder I'm always so tired.


I don't like being seen as a girl who cosntantly shops for no reason.
Because that isn't how it is,
and I know everyone knows that now but all the same.

I have so few things, really.
When I was cleaning up
my closet the other day I
did a sort of inventory.
It stacks up like this:

Pants: 4. 3 jeans 1 dress.y
Skirts: 1 casual 1 formal.
Shorts: 2.
Dresses: 2.
Shirts: Several.
Sweaters: 3 good. A few worn.
Shoes: 2 'wearble' pairs. No dressy.
Tights: 1. 2 If you count my demolished leggings.
Coat: 0. I borrow James's.
Pajamas: 1(complete set).

I got rid of a lot of clothes last year because I never wore them or they didn't fit.
Something I miss out of there is my red dress.
I know I couldn't have kept it even if I wanted to though,
it was fuzzy with lint.

I remember walking to school on formal day, wearing that dress. My black formal skirt that sweeps the floor underneath and hitched up so that only the edge showed beneath the red.
Gray leggings, before the holes.
Black flats we got during that x-mas shopping binge last year at the mall, when I needed things for BCPE. Hair done up in the same sort of updo I wore to grad, feeling like some sort of celebrity.

This time last year had been so good. So...normal. Things didn't get that awful until january, so. I had lots of time to still be me.

It's hard to remember what kind of girl I was before.
During spring '07, especially.
That seems like miles away from now even though it was only a year or two.
The only thing I really have that sticks out from spring of that year
when everything started would be...the cutting.
And sitting in Mr. Murphy's office when I finally
went back to school, talking to Mr. Bauman and him and crying
my eyes out. Wearing my paint stained grad sweater
and those jeans that the zipper wouldn't
stay up on.

And I remember when I decided things would be different.
When the time to the fall out boy concert
kept getting smaller and smaller,
and I could focus on it.
And I'd spend so many evenings dancing around
in my room to songs off of FUTCT,
imagining what it would be like.

And going to camp that year,
and kayaking for the first time.
The water so calm, and everything
just perfect.

I wish I could go back and stay there, in that time frame for a little longer.
May 28 - Beginning of september...

But I can't. Time will keep ticking on, and I'll just have to keep going.
That thought is a tiring one.
More of this.
But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Life is life, and I'll live it.

I shall probably read 'Just Listen' again just for the hell of it.
Making a playlist as we speak so I don't have
to be distracted and change the song a billion times.
I don't want to write
or think about how things where anymore.
It's over, and done and there's nothing I can do now
but go with the future and hope for the best.

That's all anyone can do, really, in this tipsy topsy world we live in.
Blah.