I'm sick.
Felt kinda
like puking yesterday morning,
but it went away so I
didn't think much of it.
Was fine all day.
And then I woke up at 4am,
with burps that tasted
like the pizza me and Tan had had,
and my spit tasting like pizza and
feeling sick to my stomach.
Got up, went to the bathroom.
Got some juice, went back to bed.
Listened to music for an hour in
bed. Went back to sleep.
Woke up at 11,
watched gossip girl.
Feeling awful.
My mom saw it coming.
Said I was looking kind of sick
when we were talking
before I went to bed.

Just got out of the bath.
I think I'll listen to some music.
But I'll leave my msn open, so
you all can reach me.

We're going to try and get a cake for no reason.
We're going to make it say 'Pat Brown Thinks You Rule!'

New/10. NOW WITH REASONS.

'Cinnamon' - The Long Winters -- This song is like summer. I can't explain why. It's one of those things that just is.

'Top 5 Addictions' - Hidden In Plain View -- Awesome song to be angry to. It's so emo it make you feel better.


'A Symptom' - You, Me, And Everyone You Know -- This song has charm.

'Grounds For Divorce' - Wolf Parade -- I'm starting to see a new side to this song. A funny one.
I love it.

'The Hit Parade' - Unkle Bob -- ' I wish you were mine// Just say that you want me' ENOUGH SAID.

'Waste Myself' - This Providence -- It's everything I'll probably never have. And at the same time, I do have it. Just not the way the song intends. 'We can make this moment ours/I can hold you, touch your scars' This song means friends to me.

'Fade Away' - Sing It Loud -- Reason A) PAT BROWN RULES. B) 'Baby can we get a little closer? Maybe we can do what we're supposed to.'

'Circus' - Britney Spears -- I can identify with this & it makes me feel...like the kind of person I try to be some times.

'Hum Hallelujah' - Fall Out Boy -- This song sings of different times. It has lots of memories, and it makes me smile.

'I Can Get Back Up Now' - You, Me, And Everyone We Know -- Because I'm so young, so insane. And because of so many other reasons.

"I am tired, not hungry, and totally useless."*

Hot damn, it's nice to feel a tiny bit normal for a change.
Still tired as fuck.
Still not hungry at all.
But I'm working on it.
One step at a time.

My mind is racing,
but it's not in a
crazy way.
It's in a...hopeful way?
Sure.

Wore the best leg coverings ever last night
on the walk to tany's.

My grey leggings, fuzzy socks.
Striped leg warmers over the socks and over the leggings.
Jeans over top of all that.
Rubber boots that are so big there's
room for a whole other foot for shoes.
I was toasty warm all through the rainy
cold night.
I even danced a bit.
The travelling pants song.
"Make me throw my legs in pants, pants, pants!"


* It's actually "I am tired, hungry and totally useless"
from 'Let's get fucked up and die' - Motion City Soundtrack.
Was listening to this as I wrote my post.
Decided to put that in the title since it fit nice.
Hell yeah.

Amy says:
YOUR MY BFFF, MAN.
[ALICIA] says:
SEEING THAT WORD MAKES ME THINK OF BEEF.
I MEAN,
YOU'RE MINE TOO. (:
Amy says:
ROFLMAO
BEEF! IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT
[ALICIA] says:
WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN.
I THINK.
Amy says:
XD
I'M HAVING A BANANA1
[ALICIA] says:
DON'T DO ANYTHING PERVY WITH IT.
I MEAN...
Amy says:
XD
WANNA WATCH ON CAM, HONEY?
[ALICIA] says:
TOTALLY.
GIVE ME A SEC TO GO POP SOME POPCORN FIRST.
MIND IF THE DAUGHTER JOINS IN TOO?
Amy says:
XD
NAH
LET HER WATCH
[ALICIA] says:
AWESOME.
FAMILY FUN NIGHT!
Lol. That was fun.
Amy says:
XD
IT'S A DOG SHOW MOMENT

I'm disappointed.
It's a good thing I'll
never give up on
myself.

And some people
think being
stubborn is bad.

You know what, I'm sick of this blog.
I think I'll relocate and not tell anyone where the new one is.
I'm the only one that really cares about it anyway.
Might aswell just be for me.

I forgot to put the part about the fuckers in the below post.
And then I was about to do it but forgot what I was going to say.
Probably going to do some more pictures today.
Feeling in that sort of mood.

Will have to talk later to my mom about stuff.
Last night Tany let is slip I was having a 'tough time'
and my mom said "Are you okay?"
and I said "Nope." with a huge smile on my face.
And she asked in front of James,
so.
I don't know if she actually cares to know.
Or will even remember.
I sort of want to just get it out already.

I don't give a damn anymore.

New/Fuckers.

New EP from You, Me, And Everyone You Know is amazing.
It's called 'So Young And Insane' and it's awesome.
You can download it for free on myspace.

myspace.com/youmeandeveryoneweknow

I think that's it. Meh.



Not sure if the new EP is better then
Party For The Grown and Sexy.
Either way,
I love both.
And I love the band.

New/Fresh/Art.

Secret is out.

Everytime I come on, no one is on.
Which kind of sucks but whatever.
Waiting for Jenn to make some breakfast.
I'll probably end up helping, not that I mind.

My arms hurt from holding Nick
and walking around so he wouldn't cry.
He likes me, I can always make him
smile and he always stares at me.

Played alot with Tyler.
Crazy 8's with this card set
he got for his birthday from
Chris's parents.
And Operation,
which he got for his b-day from
his friend Joshua.
We also have thumb wars and play
I spy and rock paper scissors.
Since I'm nicer to him he listens to
me better and is happier to have
someone paying attention to him.

I really want to be at home,
despite all the goodness I'm doing here.
I don't mind helping out or anything.
I just miss my room.
Being able to do what I want.
And showers.
I never shower here, it's weird for me.
You know about my aversion to bathrooms.

I'd have been home yesterday,
but my Dad was an ass and didn't
come pick me up.
So Jenn's friend Pat is going
to drive me later.
Or Jenn will, since they're getting a van today.

Ever since Grandma died
(bleh, it feels awful to say that)
I feel angry all the time.
Everything I usually feel irritated about
x10.
I just want to like, scream.
I dunno.

Thinking about not volunteering this year and waiting.
I haven't even been there in years,
so what would be the point?
I don't even think I could live up to the expectations
even if they did pick me.
But why would they, I'm a mess.

Sorry for worrying you guys.
I just haven't been near the computer much, so.
Yeah.

Fuck.
I'm sick of lies.
Especially from someone
I didn't expect it from.
Fuck.
I don't even want to deal with
this new developement right now.
So I'm not even going to talk about it.
I want to go home though.
That should tell you something.

So...I dunno.

Just kind of stuck.

Neutral sort of.

Not really going anywhere.


And that's how I want it right now.


I'm at Jen's, have been this entire weekend.

Lots of things to talk about.

Don't feel like it now.

Oh, I just remembered about when I was running to my room, James said I was a loser and I shouted a bunch of stuff back that was like 'I'm a loser? Oh, yeah. Because I actually have a future and won't be stuck here forever!"

And if I wasn't so upset, it'd be funny.

I don't understand this feeling.
I just don't.
I don't get this.
It's not like something I can deal with.
Not like something that's a feeling
I've ever felt.
Isn't a part of me.
Isn't something I think about until I get it.
Isn't something that feels like it has a reason.
It's just here.
And we were just about to be going up there.
Jenn talked to her just last week.
And like...
I don't understand how james can not care.
How he's just like normal.
Eating and sleeping and watching TV
and making jokes like always.

He was in the kitchen and I was in the dining room (where I am sitting currently)
and he was saying about how she probably
died in her sleep.
But when I phoned Jenn to tell her the bad news she phoned
grandpa to make sure, I guess.
And to see how he was doing.
He said she went badly, in lots of pain.
So I said.
I was like "Jenn phoned grandma...
I mean grandpa. He said she went with lots of pain."
And he didn't hear me correct myself.
And just kept being like "She phoned grandma?"
"How did she phone grandma?"
And it's just I'm so used to hearing about phoning grandma,
I forgot.
It just slipped out.
And I was like "I said grandma at first
and then corrected myself. Stop acting like
an asshole and listen for once."

And he just got mad and called me a bunch of names and
was like "don't say shit to me just because you think
you're special..."
And I don't think I'm special.
I don't know why everyone thinks I do.
I don't know why I'm the favourite....


Just finished talking on the phone to various people.
And James took how he was being an asshole to a whole new level.
He was getting the phone from me
to phone god knows who.
Probably his fucking crack dealer.
Anyway, um..I was like "I need the phone, jenn will probably call."
And he was like "We have a double line."
and treating me like an idiot.
And then he took the phone and went into the kitchen.
And was like "Did you even know grandma?"
And I couldn't even say anything.
If I opened my mouth I would cry.
So I just looked away.
And he's like "You didn't even know grandma.
So I don't even know why you're all crying
and shit now."

And I just...snapped.
I couldn't take it.
I had a glass of sprite near by, and I just...my brain shut off.
I picked it up and just chucked it into the kitchen.
Grabbed my computer and by now I was crying.
So then, I just..yelled at him.
"EXACTLY. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW HER.
I'LL NEVER KNOW HER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW OTHER PEOPLE CAN FEEL.
YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO THNK ABOUT
OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
I JUST FUCKING...GOD."

I was about to say I just fucking hated him.
But I didn't want to start a bigger fight.
So I just kind of ran into my room, sobbing my eyes out.
I threw my computer down on the clothes pile.
Tore down the purses I have hanging on the wall near my closet/door.
Tore down the coat /purse/scarf rack near the desk.
Ripped down the curtains around my bed.
Wobbled around kind of unsure and practically ripped off my new sweater
because it was wet.
Stumbled over to the closet and fell kind of slow motion
to my knees, still crying.
I cried a bit,
rocking back and forth, listening to the ipod.
And then...grabbed my computer.
Wiped off most of the pop that got on it.
My keyboard is sticky.
And um...yeah.
I'm just kind of sitting now.
I don't feel like I have the energy
to get up.
Like I have the energy to do anything.
That was the first time in forever
I'd actually been angry.
So angry.

I feel pathetic.
Lost.
Empty.
Truly and totally drained of everything.
Fuck, I need a hug so bad right now.
All I want is to just leave this house.
Go to Gowri's and just...cry.
And just..talk to her.
But I can't because my mom is on her way.
And Jenn is too.

I wish Amy were here.

I was having such a good day.
There was so much to be happy for,
I don't understand why this
had to happen.

PERSONALITY/ INTELLIGENCE

I want grilled cheese now.

I've had a bunch in the past week or so.

Like...4, but I just want more.

More more more more.

Buttery with ketchup mmmmm.

Tany was like:

"We can get the stuff at my house, don't spend your money."

And I was like.

"Nooo."

and she was like

"WHY NO. "

and i was like

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA WALK, LOLOLOLOL."

Goood times.

Also: pancakes plz.

A RANDOM SURVEY FROM TS.

1. What is one of the biggest things that has ever happened to you and how did it change your life?

I have no idea.

2. What is your earliest memory as a child?

Standing in my kitchen when I was 3/4, asking my mom for a bottle even though I drank out of a cup.

3. What makes you the happiest?

The little things.

4. What is your biggest fear?

That I'll be stuck here forever.
Correction: that I'll be stuck here forever
and like it.

5. What is your most frequent emotion?

Wonder.

6. What is the toughest thing about being and teenager and why?

You're not quite and adult and not quite a child.
Because...it's hard to figure out where you stand.

7. What is the easiet thing about being a teenager and why?

You're not quite a child and not quite an adult.
Because sometimes being a little lost is fun.

8. What do you like most about yourself?

I am kind, and smart and have lots of determination
and perserverance.

9. What bothers you the most about yourself?

I'm fucked up.

10. Do you think you can have an impact on the world-make a difference in life, and if so what kind of impact do you think you can have?

I shall just live my life the best I can, and hope I inspire people to be better
and rise up and out of the things that hold them back.

11. Do you believe in God? Sometimes.
Do you pray? Sometimes.
What do you pray for? That everything ends up okay.
Do you follow any organized religion? No.
What does this belief give you? Reasoning.

12. Tell me about your family.
Do you have a mother or father? I have both.
How do your mother and father get along? In extremes.
Who do you live with? Mom, James. Dad sometimes.
How do you get along with them? Meh. Fine I guess.
Do you have brothers and sisters? Yes.
How do you all get along? I love them. They love me.
Do you think family is important? Sometimes.
Do you want a family of your own one day? Yes, very much.
What knid of family do you want? A loving one.
What do you consider to be the perfect family? Everyone is as happy as possible.

13. Where do you get most of your information?
Do you use the internet? Yes.
Do you use the phone? No, I hate the phone.
Do you watch T.V.? No.
Which of these is most important to you? Internet.

14. Are you in school? Yes.
What grade are you in? 9.
What do you like most about school? Learning.
What is you favorite subject? Science.
What is you least favortie subject? Math.
Do you think school is important and why? Yes. You need the skills they teach.
Do you think you will go to college? Yes.
How will you pay for college? I have no idea.

15. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No.
What is the longest relationship you ever had? Meh.
Have you been sexually active? No.
If so, do your parents know about them? N/A
At what age did you lose your virginity? N/A
Do you think you were ready for it? N/A
Do you use protection? N/A
How do you feel about teenage sex? I think for older teens who are REALLY in love it's okay. And not all the time or with lots of people. You shouldn't be a slut.
Do you have friends who are sexually active? Not that I know of.
How do you feel about abortion? I think it depends on the situation.
If you got pregnant, what would you do? Keep it.

16. Have you ever personally suffered from discrimination? I don't know.
Tell me the instance. N/A.
Has anyone you ever known suffered from discrimination? I don't know.
Have you ever discriminated against anyone and why? I try not to.
How do you feel about discrimination? It's lame.

17. Have you ever experminted with drugs? Yes.
Which drugs? Marijuana.
How often do you use? Not often at all. Pretty much never.
Do you smoke? No.
Do you drink? No.

18. Who do you respect the most and why? I'm not sure.

19. If you could be someone else in the world, who would that be and why? I wouldn't be anyone else. Life wouldn't be any easier or harder.

20. As you look ahead in your life, what do you think you will become? More confused.

21. Is money important to you? Sometimes.
Would you consider your family to be (fincially) upper-class, upper-middle, middle, lower-middle, lower-class? Lower-class.
When you go out into the world as an adult, do you want a similar lifestyle to the one you grew up in? FUCK NO.
Do you want to earn more money? Less? We don't even earn our money. So I think the starting point would be that I would like to earn something.

22. What is one of the biggest problems in the world you would like to help?
There's too many problems to pick just one that is important to me.

23. Do you believe in and support the war that we are in with Iraq? IDK.
If you could vote in the fall, who would you choose for President of the USA? I don't live in usa.

24. What is your ethinc background? ...Mixed?
What ethincities are most of your friends? Indian, Other random stuff put together.

25. Do you have a job? Not really.
How much money do you make? Depends.
How old were you when you got your first job? Meh.
If you don't work, where do you get your spenig money? Mother.
What do you spen your money on? Clothes, music.

26. Where were you on September 11, 2001? I don't remember.
What impact has this had on your life? No.
Has this made you more fearful? No.
Do you feel any differently towards other ethnic groups, religious group, or foreigners?
Have you made any change in your life, because of this attack? No.

And sometimes I think I don't want to think.

TOP LISTENER. YAY ME.

Things.

TODAY:

Talk to my husband.
Do school work w. Tany.
Play Audition.
Eat good food.

TOMORROW:

Buy some clothes because mom is giving the moneyy.
Get my ticket to go to grandmas*
Make a NEW 10.

---

FEELING RIGHT NOW:

Not so great.
Kinda bitchy.
Would rather stay home and do none of the today things
unless I feel like it.

---

SONG PLAYING NOW:

'Divine Intervention [live]' - Taking Back Sunday.

I like the way the song feels.
And it's funny because in the middle of it all,
a string brakes and it's like
"I broke a string.That's how hard I'm rocking for you, you see."

---

CRAVING:

Hot chocolate. Snow.
Grill cheese and a pair of comfy pants.
Worries = gone.
Also, I am wanting to finish
my latest collage that I started
last night.
Anddd...roleplay.

---

LAST REASON I SMILED:

For being a TOP LISTENER for YMAEWK!
More to follow.

Bought the new EP from This Providence yesterday on iTunes.
Some good stuff on there.
Renovated version of 'My Beautiful Rescue' being one of them.
Not to mention 'Hopeless' and 'Waste Myself'

Also got some songs off of the new ARTTM's new EP.
'Dakota' in full and two other songs that are good but not mind blowingly so.

I've had 'Top 5 Addictions' by Hidden In Plain View has been stuck in my head ALL day and all night. It's a good song, a little generic though.
I like the overall sound and the lyrics.

So um...not much going on over here.
Probably not going to return this sweater
I got yesterday that fits, but doesn't fit.
Because mom thinks if we wash it
and stretch it a bit and like not put it in the dryer
it'll be better.
I look pretty good in it, actually.

I got this dress back from my sister that I haven't worn for like...a year and a half.
We got it the summer before last.
Still fits okay. She gave me a sweater too, this REALLY adorable soft wooly one
that's like, just a half shirt/shrug type thing. But I love it.
It looks wonderful with the dress.
That's what I wore to the mall. Only I used the dress like a shirt
since it's not too long anyway
and wore my jeans, lol.

Read a book last night 'Get Well Soon' by Julie Halpern.
It was funny, but not overly awesome.
Main character was pretty lame.
I expected a bit more drama.
A bit more...realisim.
Less fake, less...I don't know.

It's just like, about this girl whos depressed.
And like, doesn't like herself or something lame.
And doesn't know what's going on with her.
And listens to some lame band called The Ramones
and plays bass and blah blah blah.
She was way lamer then the flap on the book lead me to believe.
Anyway. So her parents dump her in this like,
hospital. And she just cries about it.
For like, so many days she's like crying.
And like, writing and it's lame.
it starts out as letters then just turns into a journal.
Which is like "WTF."
And it's basically just a forbidden love story.
Because she obsesses for like ever
about this stupid boy who's there too.
And blah blah blah he likes lame music too.

I am just so over all of it.
The way she felt sooo at home
in the stupid hospital and liked it
and wanted to stay was lame.
There was just a lot of things I didn't like.
Probably should've looked around a little
more before deciding on that one.
Hmm.

My mom came in and was like "I'm going to get groceries."
And then she said something else and it
sounded like "Taco Launch."
But I think it was actually "Stuff for lunch"
IDK, but it was funny.
I was like, just waking up and she just opens the door and is all
lame and comes in here.
I was like D;< and she was like "Taco Launch!"
Hah.

I'm bored.
I'll go find something to do now.

I haven't blogged in forever.
Hmm.
I'll do it tomorrow.

The post below got borked.

It's supposed to be moving.

Anyway. Hm.

We stayed up for like 3 hours talking about food

and what we wanted to do tomorrow.

We had the light off and I kept being like

"K, let's go to bed."

But then we ended up talking more

and it was just like "LOL!"

So yeah.

We planned to go eat somewhere today.

Or just get food so we can make

stuff at tany's.

Either way.

Was looking at pictures of artsy stuff the other day.

From that same guy that did those

graffiti pictures in new orleans that I

talked about before? Yeah. There's

one I especially love soo...I'll post it now.

I slept almost 11 hours today.
Probably would've been more,
but mom came in and thought
I was awake and I got woken up.

I could sleep more, LOL.
Everyone's just like: :o

I miss my husband,
I hope she's doing okay.
Atleast there's champagne, right?
That stuff is good.
Hah, I've only had it once.
New years when I was 4/5.

Feeling okay so far.
Bleh.
Dollface is right, life is not fair.
I'm sure things wouldn't
be that bad if I had to people
to kidnap me.
Because then if one was busy
the other could take over, yeah?
Yeah.

Bleh.
Bored, kinda.

I can't stand being here, by myself.
In this room.

And no one gets that.
Tany was supposed to come
over the other day and she never
did. And the next day she didn't.
And today she can't.
And on and on and on.
And I'm just so ANNOYED
with the whole situation.
With this, with me.
I hate it.
I'm sitting on the floor just because it's somewhere unfamiliar to sit.

I made a picture, and now there's nothing to do.
It's dark outside already.

I feel like the winter is boxing me in and slowly taping the seams shut.
I'm itchy and restless and irritable and so tired.
There's nothing I want to do.
I want to do everything.
I don't want to sit.
I want to stand.
I don't feel like standing.
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, it never ends.

Now I feel lifeless.
My resolve is dipping,
I'm becomming the thing I most want to avoid.
This crazy, weak thing.

I lashed out at tany.
I shouldn't have, but..
she isn't being a good friend right now.
She never really is entirely, there's always something
lacking. Some emotion that must be hiddin.
Things she wouldn't understand.
She doesn't think,
doesn't pick up on things.
Just accepts them.

"That's how it is."
I'm sick of it.
It makes me feel unhappy.
Disgruntled.

I don't fit. I don't fit, I DON'T.

Nothing is nothing.
I can't figure this out.
Me.
I'm getting in the way of expressing my feelings.
I could laugh, scream, cry at the same time.
That's how I feel right now.
Pathetic.

It's too warm in here.
If I open the window it'll be too cold.
If I open the window and put on a sweater
I'll be itchy and BLAH.
I CAN'T EVEN THINK.

I CAN'T,
I CAN'T,
I CAN'T,
I CAN'T,
I CAN'T.

I DON'T,
I DONT,
I DONT,
I DONT,
I DON'T.

I dont' know what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. I can't think about it. I can't begin to comprehend.
FUCK.
I'm sick of this.
I don't want it.
Take it back.
Don't even bother giving
me a refund.

Note: My pillow smells like pineapple.
I have no idea why.

Good night.

Going to bed in like a minute.
My mind feels numb and my eyes want to shut.
I like it.

Today was a good day.

Ignore my unnecessary ramblings,
my brain was a jumble.

Edit: I wrote this and after posting my newer post,
felt like taking this down.
Words spring up when you let your mind wander.
Feelings were once felt but are now gone.
Days stretch forever for me, lately.
I think I switch moods a billion times.
No wonder I'm always so tired.


I don't like being seen as a girl who cosntantly shops for no reason.
Because that isn't how it is,
and I know everyone knows that now but all the same.

I have so few things, really.
When I was cleaning up
my closet the other day I
did a sort of inventory.
It stacks up like this:

Pants: 4. 3 jeans 1 dress.y
Skirts: 1 casual 1 formal.
Shorts: 2.
Dresses: 2.
Shirts: Several.
Sweaters: 3 good. A few worn.
Shoes: 2 'wearble' pairs. No dressy.
Tights: 1. 2 If you count my demolished leggings.
Coat: 0. I borrow James's.
Pajamas: 1(complete set).

I got rid of a lot of clothes last year because I never wore them or they didn't fit.
Something I miss out of there is my red dress.
I know I couldn't have kept it even if I wanted to though,
it was fuzzy with lint.

I remember walking to school on formal day, wearing that dress. My black formal skirt that sweeps the floor underneath and hitched up so that only the edge showed beneath the red.
Gray leggings, before the holes.
Black flats we got during that x-mas shopping binge last year at the mall, when I needed things for BCPE. Hair done up in the same sort of updo I wore to grad, feeling like some sort of celebrity.

This time last year had been so good. So...normal. Things didn't get that awful until january, so. I had lots of time to still be me.

It's hard to remember what kind of girl I was before.
During spring '07, especially.
That seems like miles away from now even though it was only a year or two.
The only thing I really have that sticks out from spring of that year
when everything started would be...the cutting.
And sitting in Mr. Murphy's office when I finally
went back to school, talking to Mr. Bauman and him and crying
my eyes out. Wearing my paint stained grad sweater
and those jeans that the zipper wouldn't
stay up on.

And I remember when I decided things would be different.
When the time to the fall out boy concert
kept getting smaller and smaller,
and I could focus on it.
And I'd spend so many evenings dancing around
in my room to songs off of FUTCT,
imagining what it would be like.

And going to camp that year,
and kayaking for the first time.
The water so calm, and everything
just perfect.

I wish I could go back and stay there, in that time frame for a little longer.
May 28 - Beginning of september...

But I can't. Time will keep ticking on, and I'll just have to keep going.
That thought is a tiring one.
More of this.
But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Life is life, and I'll live it.

I shall probably read 'Just Listen' again just for the hell of it.
Making a playlist as we speak so I don't have
to be distracted and change the song a billion times.
I don't want to write
or think about how things where anymore.
It's over, and done and there's nothing I can do now
but go with the future and hope for the best.

That's all anyone can do, really, in this tipsy topsy world we live in.
Blah.

Got bored somewhere around 2/3AM.

Did some art on gaia for free.

Though I'd post them here along with

one I did of my own avatarr.

Still playing 'Cross My Heart' on loop.

I took a break and listened to some

YMAEWK, but then..meh.

Returned to it,

since it's awesome.

So here's another day
I'll spend away from you
Another night I'm running
Another broken avenue
My bag is ripped and worn
But then again that's all I..
Take what you wanna take
What you wanna take
What you..
I miss the stupid things
We'd go to sleep and then
You'd wake me up and kick me out of bed at 3 am
Pick up the phone and hear you saying dirty things to me
Do what you wanna do
What you wanna do
What you..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

Times are all the same
You're still away from me
Another day
Another dollar that I'll never see
Gonna get the peices
The peices
Peices of something good
Lie just a little lie
Just a little lie
Just a..

I wonder what your doing
I wonder if your daddy's (home)
I wonder how we ever used to go so long without it
No matter where I go
I'm coming back to you
Be where I ought to be
Where I ought to be
Where I..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you

Take Me Home
I dont wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you I
will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

'Cross My Heart' - Marianas Trench.
New single.

I love it. It might have single handedly saved the day for me, honestly.
Video shoot is in Van on Nov. 22.

Me and Tan might be able to go.
It will be killer.

Update: Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I always am, aren't I?

Edit: Upon reading offline instant messeges that
were solely about having to go, I don't feel as bad.
I guess it doesn't matter what I was feeling.
Not enough for there to be comment on it.
I'm always so worried I'm being selfish, well.
I don't think it's just me anymore.

I waited today, for dollface to come on.
It was about...4pm, when she finally did.
All the hours she was here, conversation
was scarce.
It's like that a lot lately, and I'm sick
of being the one to bridge the gap.

There's just...this pressure on me, from
every imaginable angle, and then...
from my friends.
I have..more.
Have to balance my time,
and adhear to what they want,
and have patience and...
And I don't want to right now.

There's just things I'm supposed to...keep track of.
And, feelings I have to worry about.
And..i'm supposed to be the one with the problems.
I'm supposed to be the one that gets asked if anything was wrong.
The one that my secret thoughts get picked up on...

and fuck.
I don't even want to think about this right now.
I don't even CARE about this.
Honestly, I don't.
I don't care that I have to take care of everyone.
It's what I do.
I don't mind it.

It's just...when I give so much
thought and time and feelings
and, everything into something.
And then get accused of not caring,
it pushes me that extra inch.
Thet little bit more to the edge.
And here I am, precariously close to this
drop point. And I'm kicking,
and I'm screaming and it's clear I don't want to go over.
And everyone knows I'm fragile right now,
but still.
She went there.
And she didn't think.
And I just wonder a lot lately.
"Do you even know me?"
Because there is serious room for doubt right now.
I...
Family?
I love my family, okay.
But..you can't change your family relationships.
You can't forage new boundaries,
or say to someone "Look, I just don't think
we should talk anymore."
With friends you can.
Friends are supposed to be there for you,
and know who you are, and understand things.
With family there's room for miscommunications.
There, is excuses for it.
But...I can't deal with that from people
that I'm supposed to trust.
Trust with out much reason to trust, except for
that they say I can. Except for that I have been
able to thus far.

I just can't.
And now I'm in pieces all over again.
After having such a safe week.
After actually being happy today,
this entire weekend.
This, entire..half of the week were I could
keep it together.

But no. It's not really that that bothers me.
It's the double standard.

" 'Do you still love me?'

'Do you honestly think so little of me?' "

Comes to mind.

I don't care anyway?
So, this is me not caring?
Well news flash, because caring
about someone is loving them.

And, saying that you couldn't help about today.
And me, saying that it's not my fault either and
if I'm busy monday...
And then it's made out like I'm an awful person.
Without even knowing what I could be busy with.

But oh, it's fine if it's family.
But shopping would not be fine.
But oh, you'd forgive me for
that anyway, I'd just owe you.

Well..fine.
If that's how things are supposed
to be, and you're happy with that then fine.

At least one of us will be happy.

I feel awful.
I said something I shouldn't have,
and something I didn't really mean.
I just...frustrated.
Sick of how things are.
The rut I've fallen into,
everything of the old
seems to be pushing me from changing.

Things like 'You always..' or 'You do..'
Not just from one person, but
from everyone.
I'm predictable, over the worst things.

It's not right to assume,
that's something I know first hand.
But I assumed and used
that assumption accusingly,
it wasn't fair of me.
I feel terrible for it and I'm sorry, Amy.


I don't know what's going on with me, honestly.
Everything is a jumble.
I said such awful things and promptly signed out
of msn and left the room, going
to join my parents where they waited.
Having wanted to hang out with me.

My life is not about family togetherness.
And really, I thought for a long time about
what my life IS about, and couldn't think
of one single thing.

The post contains loads of profanity.

Note: I don't lie. ):

Like/Dislike --- UPDATE.

Likes;

Urban Dictionary.
Youtubing 'Arabian Nights'.
Dancing around in my room.
Rejecting things that are true.
Fat cat.
Scarfs.
Sweaters.
Gaia.
Notebooks.
Honey.
Pajamies.

Dislikes;

Wikipedia.
YIM.
Sleeping late.
Having to think about shit.
Eddie.
Those ripped towels the scene kids are wearing these days.
Tee shirts.
Teenspot.
Sketchbooks.
Peanut Butter.
Shoes.

Nuetral;

Socks.
Getting up at 10am.
Tanktops.
Chatbuilding.com
Graph paper.
Gloves.
Silence.
Nutella.
Movies.
Neopets.

It is almost 9am.
The clock on my besides table reads 8;05,
but I know that's not right.
I should really get around to setting that
thing. But there's something
that makes looking over at the clock and
seeing it's 3am when it's actually 2:10
that doesn't feel as...odd.
Like, if the clock were set to the right time,
there would be no room for denying that I
could not sleep, and was just lying in my
bed thinking silly thoughts.
If the clock isn't set, I can easily say to
myself "Oh, that's not the right time.
I could easily be wrong and it could
be like, 11."

Fuck, I hate being up early.

I got so bored, I checked my facebook AND my myspace.
Next I'll go on gaia. Neopets if I get that desperate.
Force myself into turning out some posts, maybe.
I really should. It's for sure not from lack of wanting.

But there's so many things I have to do.
Need to do.
Should do.
Want to do.

I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing much of anything, honestly.
I need to pull myself together a bit more, I guess.

There is one thing though, when Tany gets her school books,
she has to start actually coming over here in the morning
and we have to actually do our work.
That's something I can't do alone.

I can tug most everything else into place on my
own, I think.

Note: Took me forever to finis this blog, hah.
It's like 9:28 now.

Only not me. Because without you I'm just this messy

thing that doesn't know what to do with herself.

Didn't feel quite right today.
Off.
I'm not sure.
I've just been in this house for too many hours straight,
I had to get out of it.
So I went to tany's.

Dollface, when I said that plans change in that email,
I meant more along the lines of staying home but just watching
a movie with my mother.
Nothing dangerous, honest.

Update: Me and tany made videos while
we were at her house.
Waiting for that crapbag
to get on and send them to me
so I can upload them.

One perk about sleeping 9-11 hours everynight is that I have no hint of under eye circles.
Which always plauge me if I get even a bit under 7.
Not mention I'm not very grumpy at all.
It's just so weird, though.
I go to bed at like fucking 1am.
I've done that and gotten up at 10 automatically.
I don't want to like, use my alarm clock and wake myself up earlier.
But I don't want to wake up at 12 either.
I'll try going to bed earlier tonight, and we'll see.
If I go to bed and am sleeping by 12 and I still wake up at 12
after a good nights sleep,
something is for sure up. 12 hours of sleep?
A little extreme. I don't like my sleep /that/ much.

A cool thing is echospin.
You can download the
You, Me, And Everyone We Know
EP 'Party For The Grown And Sexy'
For FREE. And, it's not illegal.
Because...I got the link of their
myspace. =P

So click here and get it.
The music is KILLER.

Though the music is killer,
I'm listening to Cobra Starship this
loverly morning.
Getting all my early morning
web routines over with
before I go and try and formulate all
the things I thought of last night
into posts for Dollface.
Because I promised her we'd get some
rp done today.
And I hate to break my promises.

Working on coming up with a worthy ten.
Lately, I've just been listening to whatever,
so.
But today is the day of doing things
I've been putting off a bit.
I guess, sure.
So. A new 10 by tomorrow.
Maybe.
Hah. No promises there,
it's not like you guys actually check out the
songs on there anyway. =/

(:

"AND I'M OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW, GO LOOK!!!!"

So, Amy was going on about Ethan.
Pretty per usual.
She was going to make a pervy comment and I said something funny and basically it went like this:


Amy says:
Can I be pervy in response to that or no?
(In response to 'his face' thing)
[Alicia] says:
I'm not sure. You may have hit your perv limit for the day.
Amy says:
I need a yes or no
[Alicia] says:
Hmm.
Does being pervy affect or daily life?
Do you find yourself being a pervert while you're alone?
Do you find yourself think more pervy thoughts then an average person?
If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, you may have a problem.
Amy says:
....


Yeah. (:

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

She said something about how they hadn't talked since the car show or something.
And then we talked about him some more.
She showed me some more pictures. Blah blah blah.
And then she says "Too bad he'll probably never ask me out."

And then I was like "You do it!"

Blah blah blah, argue argue argue.

Some funny points from this part of the conversation:


Amy says:
Well, what do I do? E-mail and be all like "Oh hey Ethan, my BFF/Wife is getting really tired of me talking about you so much, so she told me to ask you out. What do you about that?"
do you think about*


Amy says:
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET MY DAD TO LOVE A TEENAGE BOY?


[Alicia] says:
Note: DON'T PICK OPTION 4, IT'S THE WRONG ANSWER.

Anyhow. In the end of it all.
She let me send him an email.

AND IT WAS SO FUNNY.
Because she was like "Let me see a copy of it first."
So I was like "Okay, I'll email it."
and then she gave me her email for emails,
and I was like...
well, fuck it.
I'll copy paste.

[Alicia] says:
Shit.
Um...I'm sorry.
Amy says:
which did you send it to?
what did you do?!
OMg
ALI
WHAT
DID
YOU
DO
TELL ME
NOW
[Alicia] says:
Don't get upset, I didn't mean to!
Amy says:
Oh God
You sent it
to him
[Alicia] says:
Um...
It was an accident!
Amy says:
And it's...oh god
[Alicia] says:
j/k.
Amy says:
*hides*
ALI!
[Alicia] says:
I didn't.
Amy says:
THAT
WAS
CRUEL
[Alicia] says:
Sorry. I couldn't help myself.
Amy says:
I WAS ABOUT
TO
START
CRYING
LITERALLY
[Alicia] says:
I'm sorry.
ily.
And I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have toyed with you like that.
Amy says:
*Sighs* I forgive you
I still love you

Anyway.
So.
We're just waiting now for a reply from Ethan.
Here's what I sent to him:

HAY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT I KNOW SOMEONE THAT KNOWS YOU. AND SHE GAVE ME YOUR ADDRESS, AND I STALKED YOU AND I'M OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW, GO LOOK!!!


Just kidding.

Anyway. You really don't know me. And I have a friend that knows you, and she gave me an address. YOUR EMAIL ONE! Hahaha. Okay, but seriously. Amy. Girl who thinks you're like, hot and cool, ? Hasn't really talked to you since this car show thing? Is cute as a button? Yeah, her. She's one of my best friends in the entire world, and talks about you aaalllll the time. Seriously, I've been hearing about you since you guys met, and it's getting ridiculous. So today, she was talking about you. (What a surprise, right?) And she was all "Too bad he'll probably never ask me out..*sadface*" and I was like "Dude, you do it!" and she was all "WHAT DO I SAY." and we had this whole argument thing, and it was kinda funny. You should ask her about that. Anyway. You should also ask her to do something with you. As in like, a date. Because she's awesome. And she drools at the sight of your face.

What other reason do you need?!?!

EXACTLY.
YOU DON'T NEED ANY OTHER REASON.
SO DO IT.
DO IT NOW.

P.S. She freaked out about this whole entire thing and didn't really want to do this but she's really tired of keeping her feelings locked up so if you don't like her as more than a friend than let her down easy because she'd rather have you as only a friend than as nothing else. Also, this girl is one of my best friends, and I know she's a great person.She's hilarious, and smart and insane in a good way. So if you don't like her as more than a friend, you're insane in a bad way and I will not be a happy camper. And you should be afraid about my happiness, because I'm a legend. But don't worry, because I won't hurt you at all if you don't like her in a love way, because that'd make her upset. And no one wants that.

So yeah. Talk to Amy. Now. Please?





---

I like playing matchmaker.
It makes me feel like everything in the world
is going to go right.

EDIT: NEW/PHRESH MOUTHWASH.

Edit: You'll notice how the bottle is pretty much full, yeah?

New/Fresh.

Lol. Good times.

More later, If I remember.

NOTE TO SELF: Amy has a meeting tomorrow.

Don't forget again. (;

Best Moment of October.

It was hard picking these.
So I picked two, tany picked two.
And if dollface wants to pick,
I'll edit them in. (:

MINE MINE.
TANY TANY.

EDIT:

DOLLFACE DOLLFACE.

Tany was cutee. (:

"You know when you say something and make up a lie to impress someone.Your also not being yourself.Well be yourself is the best thing you can be. We all i have down something to impress someone if you havent already you wiill sooner or later."

and

"You no when someon judges another person person on there looks or actions. when you dont know the person or hardly know the person. Everyone does it eveni do it. But there is too much in are world today. It needs to stop. It is something you need to think about. "

Smart words from a grade 7, lol.
She rarely says stuff like this anymore,
except that one time when she
went on that rant about assumptions.

Stop acting all tough, tan.
I know you're really a softie.

So. Hah, this feels so odd.
I'm blogging before anything else.
Usually, I check tany's blog and dollface's blog
while I sign into msn.
THEN, I amble over here and write.
But um..here we are.
I've done none of that so far.
I don't know why not.
I think it has a bit to do with being cowardly,
because I'm just here.
Deciding to hide, because no one can reach
me just yet. Or maybe it's more
self preservation, considering
how my friends can be.

Today will be a good day.
I'm sleepy (even though i got 9 hours or so of sleep.
It's stupid.) and it's raining.
But, I feel okay.
Better, a bit.
That "whew, it feels so nice to have that off my chest"
kind of feeling.
I hope it lasts all day.
I could do with a nice monday.

And I read that outpour of words.
And I still want to say "Don't listen to me,
it's okay."

Because I'm afraid.
And I don't know what will happen
if I open up the floodgates.


I'm going to take a shower, and then bed.
So night.

I'm really sick of people.

Like, honestly.

It's just like, getting...to that point.

I suppose in many ways this is

better then what I normally

am going through.

But I can feel that too.

It's creeping up on me,

like a sneak.

I was walking home with my mom from Janet's,

and she was just talking away.

Being her usual self.

Gossiping, and pointing things out.

I was so annoyed, it was just like..

every word and every syllable and every

action and every single thing was just...

grating against my nerves.

I'd make some funny joke about cheese

just now, but I can't make light of this.

I can't throw tantrums,

and I can't tell the truth.

When my mom asks me how I am,

I can't reply with "Awful. I

feel like I'm splitting apart

at the seams, and every day is a

test I'd rather not endure."

Seriously though, I can just..

feel it.

Like, we were walking down the road

and I just wanted to scream at her.

I very nearly did.

I could barely force out that I

was so sick of everyone, and everything.

I feel like I can't talk about how I feel anymore.

I can't drag someone else down with my problems.

It's bad enough that everytime I write a

blog like this tany says "Your blog made me sad. ):"

It's even worse that I can get her off

with a simple "I know. I'd rather not talk about it."

No one ever says "Well, maybe you should."

No one ever sees what I need.

What I want.

I never get what I want.

I always give in to what everyone else wants.

I don't have the guts to be selfish.

I was thinking, while I was walking.

It was raining, and damp.

And I was just..irritable. Like I so often am these days.

And, I was thinking about silence.

What it means to me.

Exactly why I was so upset the other day

when dollface was so quiet.

To me, silence is giving up.

Neglegence means the thing you ignore unimportant.

Silence, is anger.

It's...when you're stuck with your thoughts

and your feelings, and everything.

Silence is a trap.

One I put myself in much to often.

I am a people pleaser.

And it appears I have gotten so comfortable here.

And that everyone else is too.

"Everything can be changed."

An yet, it can't.

I wish the world would just be quiet.

I wish there was somewhere I could hide away,

be alone. Music, and nothing else.

And at the same time,

I just...wish that I had someone.

To hug, and love. And..someone that

could listen to me, and..would just know what

to say. Things like "Aww." etc, just make

me feel worse.

I don't want to know how you feel about it.

I don't want to know what YOU would do.

Or, about how you don't know what to say.

Because everyone is always being like that.

And it just feels fake.

It feels wrong.

Like there isn't any caring there.

The words are just words,

and they're empty.

I feel like in most situations,

I'm taken for granted.

And on the flip side, there's so many times I wonder if

it's not that at all.

If it's that, I'm not worthy.

And...the possible uncaring attitudes

of those around me is

just a sign that I'm everything

that I deny myself I am.

Every bad day, and every moment

of frustration.

I am not this.

This ungrateful, hurting girl.

This lost person, with

so many wishes and so many needs and wants.

I am not.

I don't want to be.

I don't want this.

And honestly, the thing that is so surprising.

The thing that tips the scales in a negative way?

No extra consideration is given.

Or rather, shown to me.

Every last "I'm fine." and every last

"I don't want to talk about it."

It just accepted. Every statement in this blog

that hints at how I feel,

and every picture

or song or way that things

are or have been... are not brought up.

And I'm stuck in this lull.

Losing focus and losing touch and...

unable to speak.

Sick of the effort.

Sick of this tight feeling in my throat,

because I never let the tears fall.

I don't know how things are anymore.

I do know one thing though.

I have a headache, and I wish

more then anything we still

had the ipod.

To curl up on my bed

in the dark and just drift...

it'd be bliss.

And maybe, baby. (;

Hyper like crazy. Dancing around, listening to FTSK.
Umm..yeah.
Going to 'Jackie's' later
to make a cookie palace.
Me and mom.
Play some rock band.
This weekend was awesome.
I feel good.

504 plan + Okkervil River.

504 plan used to be a band.

Nicholas Scimeca is in it.

I never knew that until they

popped up in my recommendations.

And Tom Conrad.

That name is familiar, isn't he in Plain White T's

or something of the like? Hmm.

'Lost Coasts' - Okkervil River.

One of my new favourites.

A bit more upbeat then 'The Real'
And I just..love this song.

It makes me smile.
Makes me wish for things.

* Not the full lyrics on the second pic.

And on the first, it was just a quote I
pulled from Nicholas Scimeca's blog.

Click the pics to make them bigger.
I made them both in paint.
As well as the This Providence one from yesterday.

WRONG!

Stories are a large part of human life. We use them to learn or instruct others, and entertain ourselves.There isn't anywhere you can go where there isn't a story of some kind. Commercials on television,conversations with various people such as friends, and at school in things like text books and novels. Simply put, they're everywhere.I like stories because I find that other people's experiences let you know a lot aboutwhat sort of person the teller is, and also that you can sometimes learn a lesson of some kind.Really though, if you think about it, life is like one big story.There's a subject, and emotions being portrayed. Sometimes it's exciting, other times bland.Most of the time you only get to see it from your own point of view. But other, specialer times,you get to see things a different way. And that different way could simply be your mom telling youabout her day, and you understanding how she felt. Or, it could be that you saw something on the news, or read a poem.Everything tells a story, sometimes it's just harder to find. When it gets down to it all, that's why a story is important.And, that's why people like them. Stories connect us. With each other, our past, our present, our future..our everything.In my opinion, without stories we would be nothing.
- Response I did for English on stories.

New/Fresh/

Nickasaur!

The next thing to be on at least the next couple of my
1o/newz. So far, anyway. At least the song 'Heart Disease'
He does covers, too.
And write a lot of his own.
Haven't listen to much, but so far...
I like.
Something Tany might be able to get into, I think.
It's pretty similar to Kill Paradise.
Especially Fall From A Star, only rougher.
And if it's possible,
more repetative.

Don't listen to me anymore.

Especially if it's about me.

Do what you feel you should do.

An Ocean Between - This Providence:::::

<3

Crazy night.
Party at my aunts.
Everyone was drunk, except me, Tany, and Rene/Renee?
IDk how you spell it. Meeh.
Anyway.

Ate some good food.
Sat around, LOL'd at tons of stuff.
Ate waay too much candy.
Feeling a bit tired,
I'll probably drop off soon.
First though, some things I've been thinking.

How much people actually read my blog.
Like, well.
I know somewhatly that.
But like, who. Tan reads my blog
like a billion times a day.
And I know amy does atleast once in awhile.

Anyone else though, I wonder.
A lot of the time it feels like I'm talking to myself.