Who cares about me?

Right now, I don't. Well, I do.
That dollface could fall to the dark reaches of depression...
it's worrying. I see her so much as a rock. My rock. Strong and constant.
And warm; like the sun. Always hyper and always worrying over things that you don't necessarily have to worry about.
And...and I remember what it feels like.
The winter isn't far off; soon it'll be gray skies and cold.
I'm worried now...that I can't make it.
I was so sure. So very sure.
I was like 'Things are different now, I know exactly how it'll be. I can fight through this and be happy. I'm strong...'
But now I don't know.
And I'm worried that I'll get caught up in my own problems and sadness to an extent that means I won't be able to...to FULLY be there for her.
And I hate that my laptop is down. And I hate that even now,
I wish I could have her assureance that it's okay I wasn't there this time.
And...that's not right. I feel selfish. I feel stupid for needing comfort when I should be the one comforting. I feel guilty and horrible like this was my fault.
And I know that it isn't really my fault.
I know that...that there wasn't much I could do if I didn't know.
And if i didn't have the resources.
I mean, without a computer, what do I have as a way to talk to her?
The phone, maybe. But the long distance would be a killer.
Unless telus has that thing were it's free to phone to usa like shaw has...hmm..
Why am I worrying about this now.
Because distractions work so great to keep you..distracted. To keep you from worrying until everything is actually okay.
As every minute ticks on by I'm worried I was too late.
The Amy I know wouldn't be the one to take her life away.
But...but I remember a time thoughts like that echoed through MY head.
And we all now how much I love life.
But not necessarily living.
Because lately, I haven't been doing much of that.
I still feel so much like I'm waiting. Only I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I'm just...
hm. Epiphany here.
Maybe THIS is what i've been waiting for.
This chance to repay a friend for everything they've ever done for me.
I hate the distance right now.
I hate being young.
I want to be there.


And on the other side of this, in the place that I am now, I am worried.
About my friendship with Tany.
I'm worried that I'm too mature. Too grown up. Ahead of her by leaps and bounds; 'Will she catch up?'
Because...I mean...she just..she hides.
She sits away and cares and about silly things and does silly things and...it's not her.
Because the goddamn blog post, I know she
knows she's hiding too. And I have to tiptoe so many times around things. Around issues. Because she doesn't want to talk about it. And... I hate that.
I feel this distance between us. This unavoidable void that just sits.
Me and her aren't as open as even me and dollface.
And hell, that relationship even needs work.

And goddamn it, family is a mess.
My dad is still so distant and so uncaring.
My mom is the biggest liar I know.
My brother is an ass.
My other brother...well. I barely know him.
Jenn has so many problems it's not even funny.
And I just...I hate all the secrets.
All the things we do that...aren't right.
That I never talk about.
That even my closest friends wouldn't understand.

And I hate myself for caring about these things.
Because right now, it doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
I'm going to give all of myself into Amy so that she can lean on me and be happy.

And...and right now, I'll just wait for amy to get online.
And listen to my music and hope again and again and again I wasn't too late.