I am not amused.

(I would've posted this last night, but the internet was being lame. So...here you go.)

time: 11:54PM September 5 /08.
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Fuck everything. Fuck being honest and fuck caring about people.
And fuck Tany most of all.

Her blog and the fact that I read it made her embarrassed and stupid. I made her read what my last post, and she was basically laughing and pointing out things like 'you spelled henna's name wrong'

Well fuck her. She can't even accept the fact that she isn't an idiot. She doesn't even have enough faith in me to think that I'll accept her if she's honest. Like, she's been what she is for so long. And now, when I'm trying to make HER feel better and I'm trying to show her all the things I wrote about. And she just reminded me about another fucking typo. Like things are normal. Things are normal. but I'm too pissed off to care. She lied straight to my face. I asked her what was wrong and she pretended everything was fine when it obviously wasn't. If there was anything I'm starting to hate, it's lies. My entire family life is full of lies. I don't need more. I'm so angry I can't look at her. I'm so angry I want to just run until my lungs burst. Until I die and she realizes how much of an ass she's being. Which works out nicely, since I wanted to start running again anyway. I'm fat. Don't say I'm not. I need to lose some weight. That's just..a given. I'm not saying I don't look good, I'm just saying it'd be...easier.

You know, this is the sort of thing I can't talk to tany about. She'd think I was crazy and just say I was fine. I'm tired of taking care of her. Of protecting her, teaching her and being patient. Because in return, I don't get her. I get what she thnks I want her to be. And in the end, that's not what I want.

My room is a mess. I need to clean it. I need some time alone. I need...I don't know what I need. And this sucks because if I break right now, who will pick up the pieces? I would. Like always. I don't want to think anymore. I'll just disappear into the music and calm down. This'll be a bitch to type out, but whatever. It's how I'm feeling now and these things just needed to be said I guess.
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'So yeah, yeah yeah.'
time: 12;14 sep. 6 /08.

Listening to 'Hey Brittany' by FTSK.
Never liked this song until recently.

'So why does everything I say just make you upset?
& I'm not here to bring you down, but lift you up, lift you up.
So yeah yeah yeah
Go ahead and lower it down.
Lower it down,
just alittle bit.
Just alittle bit (lower it down)'

I realize that I'm not sick of taking care of Tany.
'm sick of not getting taken care of in return.

But not even that. Just that she didn't trust me to accept what she had to say.
Either way, anger gone.

----
NOW.
Now, as in, right now. As in, 11:28AM sep 6.
As in, this second. As in...I'm done writing about before.


Okkaayyy. So, I'm completely pissed all over again.
Reading this and remembering...I just don't like it.
I'm not happy.
This isn't fixed. We barely talked the rest of the night.
I went to bed without saying goodnight.
We didn't tell inside jokes like we usually did.
I didn't make her remember bernie mac or uncle john.
Things are weird and it's not my fault.
Tan is still asleep, and I have no clue what to say to her when she wakes up.
And I have no idea how I feel besides angry.