Today had not started out as a good day.
I want to just...close myself away from everyone.
Every noise that comes from something not directly myself or something I'm doing is frustrating.
Tany typing a bit away, and how she coughs every once in awhile.
The music playing now, even though I used to love Owl City.

I'm sick of wearing the shirt I'm wearing.
None of my clothes are clean.
I feel like I have to take care of everyone.
I feel like I have to constantly shove away everything that I want and that I need and that I want to need and want to have and want to feel away.

It's like, I can see Tany writing to send me a IM from here,
and I feel this urge to just block her.
She doesn't understand.
She never does.
She lacks common sense.
Lacks the confidence to think for herself and not seek out what I would think or do.

I feel like I'm a hundred years old today.
I feel itchy and contained.
I want to run and I want to jump.
I want to go to the aquarium and see the whales.

'Said she hates the sound
Of the buses on the ground.
Said she hates the way they scrape their breaks all over town.

So pretend it's whales
and their keeping their voices down...'


I used to hate Wolf Parade.
The vocals annoyed me and their jumpy out of place rythms made me confused.
But now it's a puzzle I can appreciate.
A problem seperate from the ones I already face; something foriegn.
Something I can identify and like.
It's not syrupy sweet or carefully crafted like all the things I can't bring myself to play right now.
I'm longing the raw off cut things I banished away when winter was over.

I miss school. I miss staying up late and watching the sun rise before going to bed.
I miss not thinking so much. I miss...the less complicated me.
The me that didn't have to take care of everyone and just sort of shuffled along unaffected.
Caring is hard.
Planning is hard.
Doing the difficult things is really hard.
And not doing them is worse.

I want to be a stronger person.
I want to be more exciting.
I want to make a difference.
I wish the snow was here already.
I hate waiting.
I hate using pads; I wish I'd remembered to get tampons when I was at the mall.

I miss being a kid.
Everything was easier then.
Right now, I need...a distraction.
I need clean clothes, a hug and a trip.

I want to go on the sky train.
I want it to not be crowded or delayed,I want to go over the bridge and not be scared about dying.
But at the same time I want to be scared.
I want to be scared to death, and know that that's okay.
I want to go into the city and see all the things I've seen before, but from this new angle.
I love the city.
It's like a whole new world.
The buildings are like trees, towering up high above at angles that seem odd.
Straight and narrow and old and dirty and new and modern.
The sidewalks that need repair and the sidewalks that appear to be new.
Bus stops and bicycles and people and noise.
And stories and snippets of conversation and things that you don't have to analyze.
Things you can just respect.
Things you can just...feel.
Moments that don't need explaning and just are.
Stuff that makes sense.
I want to be quiet.
I don't feel like talking.
I don't feel much like doing anything.
I want to go. Just...start something else.
An adventure.
I want to learn something new, and be someone else for just a second.

I've seen the glimpse of that girl everyone sees.
She's beautiful. I wish it hadn't been a picture that had made me feel this way.