So...it's the end of the day.
About to go to bed.
Not angry anymore.
Just kind of..disappointed.
Like, I tried to get my cord for my computer.
But that didnt' work out.
I ended up fighting with the parentals, and there was lots of yelling and I just...
hate it.
I hate the lies and the fact that when I'm angry they just kind of..ignore it.
They wait until I blow off the steam and then clamp the lid on tight.

And...and I just felt alot like when I was telling Dollface she didn't get it.
Like, she didn't understand. Couldn't. Because our lives are so different, and...
and I just was glad I had Tany today. Her parents are no where near great, and she understands about alot of things.
Which is weird, because usually it's the other way around.

Anyway.
So, like...I know.
I know, I know, I know.
She's going through shit. Give her time or whatever.
But dude, I feel like everyday there's this huge wedge being shoved between us. And the space is getting wider. And it's getting harder and harder to hear her over here on my side of things.

Or maybe, it's not hard to hear at all. My ears are open, and I'm listening. She isn't talking much.
I feel shut out. And I feel like things somehow changed when I wasn't paying attention.

I feel that way sometimes with tany. Like we've gotten so different and sooner rather then later our bond is going to break. But we pull through. And it's rare I feel this.

Anyway. So like. I said to tany that if she let me be online late, I'd listen to her all morning about will and other things and not even touch the computer. And I made the time to roleplay or listen to whatever dollface had to say etc.etc.etc.
And I just feel like that was wasted. Like, I shouldn't have bothered and should've gone and watched Pursuit of Happiness or simpsons like tany wanted.
But at the same time, I feel like I should've stayed because there were so many times I hung out with Gowri instead of staying to talk to Amy.

But like...man. After the horrible day I'd had, the one thing that I was looking so forward to was roleplaying. This twilight one is like the only one I have going on. I live it. I breathe it. It's there in my head so much. I'm constantly thinking of ways to take the plot. And I just hate how the way Amy feels right now is dominating this in a way that means we can't do anything.
It's scary when someone is hurting so much they can't do things like normal. Even on my blackest deepest depressioneyest day, I made an effort to return to how things were. Tried to pull out of my rut. I hate feeling like that. I hate it with such a passion I just refuse to.

And...and I feel so selfish for feeling those things.
And so much more vindictive to say them here where she'll see.
Because I don't want her to be guilty. And I don't want her to do something if she doesnt' want to.
I just...needed today. You know? But...I'll get over it. I've given up to more.
The world has been packing the punches hard lately.
I remember saying that a few days ago.
It's so very true, and every day I feel more and more on the edge.
Let's just hope I can teeter on through the winter and not fall off.