So..still working on getting that second blog up.
I'm thinking of calling it something fancy, but IDK what yet. My only thought was 'Style & Sound' because I also want to encorporate my fashioney side.
By the way, I'm in the works of finishing that skirt AND I have a design down for what I want of my dress. So they'll be pics of my design and the fabric on my blog and that. (:

On the unfresh side of things...

Tany's friend Nick was a douchebag to her.
And I didn't think it meant like /that/ much to her. Like, I thought she was just pissed off because he was a mitch to her... you know?
But she wrote this draft for her blog.
And...she didn't post it. But I wanted to read it, and I knew she had written it, so...I got into her account and read it. Which I probably shouldn't have done, because not only is that not respecting her privacy, but..it's kinda rude.
Though, I'm glad that I did. And it makes me rethink a statement I said earlier.

Me & Dollface were talking about Dollface's blog and our blogs in general because she wrote this super post...anyway. I'll respond to that later. So the comment was after me and Amy had said about how our blogs are like our diaries, and I had said that I didn't think Gowri had grasped that concept yet. Because... her blogs were very 'empty'
Like, plain and dry and without much emotion.
But...the post she didn't make was very good.
It was well written, though could've used some proof reading..but it was good compared to her usual writting.
And..it was powerful. Because it let you see...her. And how she felt. And she put work into it.
At first, I was sad. Because there was alot in there that wasn't true, and that...isn't quite correct.
And then I was proud. Because...well. Tany can be very..hidden I guess. Like, SHE isn't there. But..she is there. Like...parts of her personality aren't seen, but they are there. And I was proud because I had believed for so long she had the ability to be better. Not that she isn't great, but..you know. Like..she had potential to be even greater.
Anyway. She put thought and she put vocabulary and she used punctuation, and spell check etc.etc. And... I really think she should post that post. Because the person that she wants to be, and that she is aiming to be is...there. Written between the lines and waiting. It would be a very bold and respectful move for her to take her blogging into the more personal level that me and Dollface write in. But Tany, don't think that you /have/ to take my advice. I would very much like if you were more honest with me though. Like..you didn't lie to me about Nick. But..you weren't very truthful. You didn't really tell me all of how you were feeling about it, and you didn't expand and say about exactly WHY it upset you. I think that sometimes the both of us aren't as...detailed about things as we could be. And I think that our relationship as friends has a barrier or boundry. And I think we could be closer and that sort of thing if we didn't hold back our opinions and if we said what we wanted to say and did what we wanted to do. I think that alot of the time you want to ask me things but..you don't. And I think sometimes I think that my jokes can be...harsh. And sometimes I don't think that I pay enough attention to you. You have to tell me when you want me to focus and that what you're saying is important and not just the usual. We're allready very close, because...we know each other so well. But there's still things...
I think we both have our secrets, but hold them in for fear of what the other would say.
And...you have to not take me so seriously. Like, if I make fun of you, I'm not making fun of you! That doesn't make any sense, I know. But I'm not being serious when I joke about you, I promise. And I just feel like sometimes I have to be worried about what you'll think of somethings because maybe you wouldn't understand. But I think I'm underestimating you there.
Oh, look. I just had an entire one-sided heart-to-heart.
I tried not to go into to much detail about your blog post Tan, just because I didn't want too much out there if you weren't going to put it up.
Also, Gowri, to be honest you have alot of ideas in your head that aren't right about yourself.
Mostly about the being able to make friends thing.
I just...nevermind. If you post the post, fine. I'll leave comments. If not, I'll drop it. This'll be the last you'll hear about it.

So. Now. Amy's blog...

Dollface, I was thinking in the shower this morning.
About if you died. And like..if you died, how would I ever find out?
I mean, like..if I died tany would surely remember to tell you.
But like...how would I ever find out? Who would tell me? I just...thought about that and it got me kinda worried.
If you ever decide to ditch me, tell me before you ignore me so I don't end up thinking you died. Because if that happened i'd end up hunting throughout all of Texas looking for you. And no one wants an upset Ali on the loose.

So..I know it might be wrong. But to be honest dude? I envy you. I envy that you might be in love, even though that's sucking real hard for you right now. And I envy that you have someone that might love you back. However frustrating it is, I wish I would have that.
Reading your post made me think about all the guys I could've be with.
Zach, Lewis, Mitchel. And the guys that I could...maybe make an effort for. But we'll start with them later.

Okay. So, in grade 4 I was a total Tomboy. Full out anti-girlie. I was rough and tough and borderline bully. And..inwardly vulnerable. I was just coming from a school that sucked and I was hated by like everyone to this totally new one where it was smaller and everyone had known each other since kindergarten in some cases. I had no friends that were girls, and no friends period for a long time.
Until...them. I don't remember who I knew first. I think it was Lewis.
Lewis...is someone I cared -and still care- deeply for. He NEVER yelled at me. Though trust me, this kid had some serious anger issues when it came to everyone else. But I don't think he ever yelled directly at me once. He had a british accent, blonde hair and blue eyes and his cheeks were always red and he sort of looked like he was blushing all the time. His hand writing was messy. He was thin and his clothes generic and almost foriegn. He had a little sister in kindergarten. I think her name was Alyssa. He was sarcastic and funny and..sweet sometimes. He read magazines like Teen People, but no one knew that but me. He was mature and smart and told jokes about sex. I idolized him, and had a crush on him for what seemed to be forever. I didn't have much competition considering he seemed to hate just about everyone else, and the feeling was pretty much mutual. But Zack liked him. And it was Lewis that introduced me to Zack. Zack was Zany and weird and insane. He was obsessed with video games in the way only guys can be. His clothes were cheap, but clean. He was vulgar and bossy. Brown haired, brown eyes. Had a bit of a lisp, if i remember correctly. I liked him too at one point...
I remember clearly the day I started hanging out with them. It was sunny. A typical fall day. The playground was dusty, and the sun was in my eyes. Me and Lewis walked towards the forest, and he was asking me about if I knew about video games. I of course, didn't know much. Super nintendo and nintendo 64 and some lame ps1 games were all my record held. But..I let on like I knew more. Which was an outward lie, but they never guessed. I just pretended to know. And anyway, I was more a princess peach while they were the valiant heroes. They crushed villians with swords of sticks and kicked at trees. I was like a sidekick, fliting around trying to help out. Zack always had an idea for what to do. Lewis always provided the weapon ideas and the attack plans and the smarts of it. I put in the most random ideas and thoughts and..just..anything that came to mind. Zack moved away first. It was in the middle of the year, or near it. I'd never been to his house, though I think he invited me once. I knew him less. But I missed him all the same. And...one day he was just kind of gone. No real goodbye and no real..established line of continued connection. Lewis...just didn't come back. The end of 2004 came. And in the start of grade five and all through out the rest of the years, he wasn't there.
School was never easy for him. He had the same problem I now have; boredom. He was loud and disruptive, only he did most of his work. He broke one of his arms, I remember. He was grouchy then, and it was his left hand (he was left-handed) so he couldn't do his work that well. If there was ever a time he had yelled at me, it would have been during that period of time. He was listless and restless then, but still my friend. Just..preoccupied. If there is anyone who could be smarter then me, it would be him. I remember seeing his sister at school, but never with his family. And I saw him once at school after he was gone.
It was after school in spring, or one of those fall days that feels like summer because it was warm. I was sweaty, and walking with Heena and Emily into the office. I was leading them in, and talking about some stupid story... loudly and bossily and..very unlike the me I was with my boy bestfriends. And then...he was there. By the bikerack. Rosy cheeks and slightly different hair cut, but..him. Except for...there was something odd. He was quieter and seemed shyer and seemed..like..not himself. I had pondered so many thoughts as to why he didn't come back. I thought about crazy things like secret agents and someone dying. Car crashes and idenity thefts. And when I saw him...I stopped. And kind of stared. And..asked, plainly as could be. "Lewis?" I don't remember what he said. Something along the lines of hi, I guess. I asked him what he was doing here. He mumbled something about "My sister..." and just cut short. There silence for a long time, and...I just said 'Well...alright then. I..have to go. Bye." or something equally lame. And continued walking like it didn't matter and continued on with my story to emily and heena.
I'm ashamed now of what I did then. I should've... hugged him and told him how much I had missed him. I should've given him my phone number and sent heena and emily on their way so I could talk with him in private. But I did none of this. I just walked away. I regret this so much now. He was my only friend for a long time. And it wasn't really until he was gone that I realized my mistake.
Zack, I never cared that much about. I'm pretty sure any relationship we would've had would've ended. He was bossy and I like to get my way. Not really a good match.
I saw Zack again, the summer of 5th or 6th grade. At one of the local pools. We hung out all of the swim, and then..that was it. We just went our seperate ways, and I was bold as could be and pushed him in the pool and told him about what I had thought of him a year or two ago. He looked shocked, and...I think he changed somewhere along the way.
Mitchel. God, what a mess he was. What a mess I was. I hung out with brianna for a breif time there, since I lived just up the street from her for a bit. So we hung out. The people that lived next door to her where Dayton and his mother janet and his father Adrian upstairs. Who we still talk to on a somewhat regular basis, and Janet is good friends with my mom. In the end of it all, Me and Dayton ended up being the closest of all the group.
Downstairs from them all was Tara-Lynn, Avery, and Mitchel and their mom Tamara.
Tara was a year younger then me. Avery was the same age, and was even in some of my classes last year. Mitchel was two years older, and geeky but somehow sporty at the same time. My and Tara ended up being real good friends. Brianna was going out with Avery.I never paid much attention to Avery, because I hated his name alot. Mitchel..was a different story. He...wasn't what you would think I would go for. He didn't appear to be very smart, and he liked football and other sports and video games...and was...less. Less then what I think you guys think I should have, anyway. So. I liked him. And...I almost told him. But..he..pushed away from me. And so, I have a feeling he suspected and liked me back but never had the guts to let me push over the fence that seperated us as friends and us as something else.

And then there's the ones that I COULD still possibly maybe...be with.
But..both of them have their flaws. First, the most outlandish idea.
Jason Thoohan. He's the kind of guy that shouts insults at me and Gowri as we walk by, just to get a rise. Mostly to me, though. And...always talking to me and always being a snoop and asking questions and...yeah. A Jerk. But..gowri thinks he was a jerk because he liked me. Or..likes me, whatever. He's skinny and brown and geeky and hangs out with losers. I've known him since the third grade because we used to play at the same park, and we would hang out because i was ever making friends or something. And then in grade 4 I went to his school and everything changed. Gone was the nice boy, and here was this...loser. So I never paid him much attention except to shout insults back when he chose to be mean. I don't see much future with us because he will never get the guts to tell me, and I will never search out such an awkward situation as to ask him. Not that he'd give me a straight answer anyway.

Now...Mason. The one I've known the longest because I've known him since I was 4/5, and on and on up until now. He was always nice, I guess. But he prefered someone else always, it seemed. He always wanted to hang out with Dylan and Sammy and even Kyla, and just..anyone else but me. And now, in the more recent, he's even more of a jerk and either ignores me, pays minimal attention, or does hang out with me. Oh, and there's the times he ignores me and I try to get him to pay attention to me and then he has a hissy fit.
He's...not my ideal in the looks department. Because from what I can see, he could look nice. He is kind of cute, actually. In a P-trixesque type deal, almost. But..he has such low self confidence and such low...concept of style. I think he's a jerk because he doesn't think I could ever like him, and maybe he doesn't like that thought? Like...he thinks I'm too good or something? From some of the things he's said, this seems plausible. But..at the same time.
Is it obvious I like him? It sort of is. And he always seems to be so..honest with me, and I with him. He's a good friend when he isn't glued to the computer. His family loves me. And there was even a time his mother suggested me going to a dance with him, because..IDK. He had no one else to go with and that was his excuse. But that would've been awkward. And that sort of thing doesn't happen to a girl like me.
I'm thinking though, that I'm just reading way too much into this. He couldn't possibly want me. The younger, annoying girl he's known since forever. The one that knows less and somehow more at the sametime. The girl so painfully transparent that I shouldn't feel like yelling 'I LIKE YOU, YOU IDIOT.'

Look at me. Rambling on. I can't help it though. As desperate and horrible as it sounds, I want a boyfriend. I want love and friendship and everything you see in the movies and TV and books and even real life all rolled into one. I want the confusion and the mess...
And here we are. Back to where we started. Yes. I'm evious of dollface because she has...sort of a someone. And maybe even another someone or two.
Hell, she always seems to have options and options and options.
And I've never said it, but...I kind of think she's alittle bit lucky there.
I hope that makes you feel better, Amy. That even though the whole situation seems crappy, there are those that would think about trading with you.

So. Anyway. In regard to the fact that I don't have even a sort of boyfriend,
I can wait. I can try and be patient and just..sit back and look for the boy that could be.
And even think about considering the ones that might be.
Except, it seems that the more I contemplate them, the farther away they go. And when I forget and think less and have bigger wants then a boyfriend, they seem to pop out of nowhere.
I wish life could work like how I want for once.
And I wish I could get this wish.
For now, though, I'm happy. And I'm strong and I'm good as I am. And I'm ending this post because it's huge. (: