Hey Lee, let's go be snobby and take a cab all the way to langely to get Baskin Robbins ice cream.

Or maybe we should just go see a movie.

I think either sounds fun.

P.S.;

Don't be sad. I feel better now, promise.
Ily.

And;

Ily2 Dollface. Wish you could come with us. (:

Today had not started out as a good day.
I want to just...close myself away from everyone.
Every noise that comes from something not directly myself or something I'm doing is frustrating.
Tany typing a bit away, and how she coughs every once in awhile.
The music playing now, even though I used to love Owl City.

I'm sick of wearing the shirt I'm wearing.
None of my clothes are clean.
I feel like I have to take care of everyone.
I feel like I have to constantly shove away everything that I want and that I need and that I want to need and want to have and want to feel away.

It's like, I can see Tany writing to send me a IM from here,
and I feel this urge to just block her.
She doesn't understand.
She never does.
She lacks common sense.
Lacks the confidence to think for herself and not seek out what I would think or do.

I feel like I'm a hundred years old today.
I feel itchy and contained.
I want to run and I want to jump.
I want to go to the aquarium and see the whales.

'Said she hates the sound
Of the buses on the ground.
Said she hates the way they scrape their breaks all over town.

So pretend it's whales
and their keeping their voices down...'


I used to hate Wolf Parade.
The vocals annoyed me and their jumpy out of place rythms made me confused.
But now it's a puzzle I can appreciate.
A problem seperate from the ones I already face; something foriegn.
Something I can identify and like.
It's not syrupy sweet or carefully crafted like all the things I can't bring myself to play right now.
I'm longing the raw off cut things I banished away when winter was over.

I miss school. I miss staying up late and watching the sun rise before going to bed.
I miss not thinking so much. I miss...the less complicated me.
The me that didn't have to take care of everyone and just sort of shuffled along unaffected.
Caring is hard.
Planning is hard.
Doing the difficult things is really hard.
And not doing them is worse.

I want to be a stronger person.
I want to be more exciting.
I want to make a difference.
I wish the snow was here already.
I hate waiting.
I hate using pads; I wish I'd remembered to get tampons when I was at the mall.

I miss being a kid.
Everything was easier then.
Right now, I need...a distraction.
I need clean clothes, a hug and a trip.

I want to go on the sky train.
I want it to not be crowded or delayed,I want to go over the bridge and not be scared about dying.
But at the same time I want to be scared.
I want to be scared to death, and know that that's okay.
I want to go into the city and see all the things I've seen before, but from this new angle.
I love the city.
It's like a whole new world.
The buildings are like trees, towering up high above at angles that seem odd.
Straight and narrow and old and dirty and new and modern.
The sidewalks that need repair and the sidewalks that appear to be new.
Bus stops and bicycles and people and noise.
And stories and snippets of conversation and things that you don't have to analyze.
Things you can just respect.
Things you can just...feel.
Moments that don't need explaning and just are.
Stuff that makes sense.
I want to be quiet.
I don't feel like talking.
I don't feel much like doing anything.
I want to go. Just...start something else.
An adventure.
I want to learn something new, and be someone else for just a second.

I've seen the glimpse of that girl everyone sees.
She's beautiful. I wish it hadn't been a picture that had made me feel this way.

'The day begins, just like any other.

I wake up in the comfort of all this bedroom clutter.

I look outside; another gray sky.

Looks like winter is coming early this year.

And I know it's going to be a real cold one this time.

A real breakdown take down cold on this time.

Yeah.'

Yes.

'This winter I retire' - Said The Whale.

Fall is here, and that sucks.

I wake up to cold. I go to bed to cold.

The afternoons are sometimes a glance of what the summer was;

sweltering and beautiful.

I'm glad that even on the hottest days I didn't complain.

And I didn't hate it.

I just absorbed it for what it was and made the best of it.

I sat in the bathtub, or swang on the swings.

Tany, do you remember that day?

It was funny.

I remember what I was wearing and the smells too.

My beige jeans I got two summers ago for the FOB concert that I didn't even end up wearing and my jean top/dress.

And my pink flip flops.

Man, those shoes were uncomfortable.

The rubber always hurt my feet, and the string that held the beads on rubbed against my toes in an awkward way that was painful after a long time walking.

I remember how the street smelled like punjabi food and it felt like the entire street was soaked in spices.

That was just after they painted Aimanvir's house that awful orange colour.

And I still had my ipod shuffle.

I woke up this morning to frost on the grass, and everything was green.

People say that in spring and summer, everything is so lush and fresh.

I disagree.

It seems to rain more in fall then any other time;

the skies just open up and let loose all the time.

There's always puddles and the grass is never yellow and dead like in the warm months.

The tree they planted in the spring in our yard is already loosing it's leaves.

I wish I had a camera, I just...always want to take pictures.

I'm thinking of sending a post secret, but I never know what to make it of.

What would I say?

I feel like I only have one chance to send a card in, so it better be good.

Like if I send in more then one I'm being selfish.

Remember that guy Matt from theatre company?

I do, obviously.

Especially in december...

one day during TBCPE, I was talking ot his brother Nick (sort of).

More or less, Nick and Neil were singing songs to bother everyone before we had to be quiet.

Nick blasted out with 'Homesick at Spacecamp' and I said 'That's like my favourite song!'

The next day Matt came up to me out of no where and started singing it in my ear.

I just walked away, and I wonder if he had a crush on me.

And I always wonder if the people I think about think about me back, and if they wonder if I think about them.

I think I blogged about that whole thing before though, so I'll be quiet and move on to something else.

I like how I don't complain as much anymore.

It lets me appreciate everything more.

And I like how I just...am able to see thing differently.

I just..I feel different.

At peace somehow.

Like I put my waiting on hold am just coasting for awhile.

Living, almost.

I still feel though like there has to be something else out there.

Like I'm not meant for this.

Something better.

Anyway. I started this picture hating that winter was on it's way.

But now it's different.

I can't wait for the snow.

Lol. What?

I thought Matt Damon was an idiot. I guess not. He actually kinda pays attention to the world, or something.



















Some of the best pictures I've seen in a while.


They blew my mind, fools.
(Click the picture to make it bigger)

And now an update on what's going on in the real world.

"real world'' being my actual life,
not that lame-o TV show.
Though, I have to admit, The Island looks pretty interesting.

So. I got up at 7/6AM.
Because Jaylin is over and she woke up at that time and she was making such a racket.
Currently, I'm eating pb and about to go to the bathroom and then get my headphones and listen to some of the new stuff I downloaded yesterday.

Currently, I've decided a music blog would totally bomb and be too much work.
So, for now, I'm just going to post it all here and you can either skip it or read it.
And I know you'll read it because you love me just that much.

Expect alot of blogging this morning.
I have fuck all to do otherwise.

"this would be like watching a midtown reunion on the moon while high fiving mark hoppus because Blink would be playing next. "

Although YES, that would be totally crazy awesome...

PATE used THAT (and a bunch of other SHIT)

to compare it to the guy who drew

^THAT^

And, of course, the thing that wins 'Most Craptacular'...

Personally, I think that Luke Chueh is a pretentious douchebag,

and that his 'talent' is seriously limited because all he seems to be able to draw is bears, demonic chicks, and a unicorn this one time.

I also think his work looks messy.

I can't remember;

at the end of it all,

did they end up together?

I have a goddamn stomach flu, AGAIN.
Though it isn't really as bad as it was last time.
I puked only like three times and only one of those times was a big and chunky one.
I didn't get much sleep; so I'm sleepy now.
But...eh.
I'll make it through the day.
I'm super hungry.Though, I probably shouldn't eat.
My tummy is sore and my throat feels raw.

Tany was nice and went to wal-mart to get me popsicles.
And if I ask her extra cutely she gets them for me from the kitchen.

I said "Will you please get me a popicle?"
And she was like "Aww. Okey."

My eyebrows are skinny. I'll post a picture soon.
Promise.
(:

I forgot to put my favourite momment of august. Here it is now.

LOL. LEMONADE.

I Like.

I wanna live before I die
So don't say I have to cry on one more freezing floor
I ask you to open the door and see
How things could have gone
The reason that it took so long before
You could figure out that for so long
I was about to break
And there were no arms
To keep me from harming me
And now I'm searchin back to see
How I never tried to ask for some sympathy
'Cause I know nobody wants to ride with me too far
'Cause I might trip away
But in your arms I'd rather stay

You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
You might just turn into something

I Want to dream about
Something I can't live without
My foot is in your hand
I want you to understand
How I could be confused
Right after being used
But still your here in spite
When I close my eyes to dream at night
I've gotta keep my pants on
I gotta check my pulse before
I've gone too far away
To hurt so I think I'll stay around
To hear ya breath saying all those words to me
Unraveling my fantasy while I drink my oleander tea

You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
You might just turn into something I liii....
Yea-yea-ea-ea-ea-aa

*guitar solo*

You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I like
You might just turn into something I

Pate as a nun made my day.

The fact that there's a 'complete your album' concept makes me feel

jipped into having to buy more.

And Pate not answering to the comments and saying he just doesn't want to

single people out makes him sound like a lazy slob.

Which I guess, he is.

Not much going down here.

I need to buy razor refills and some conditioner that doesn't

smell like my dog does when he comes out of the bath.

I mean, honestly.

We have this crappy 'organic'/'natural'

stuff in the shower right now, and the

smell reminds me of that.

I used it and now I hav my hair up so I don't have to deal with it.

Plus it's wet and it'd get my shirt damp.

And I just hate that feeling on my neck, you know?

Ugh. The stupid little kitten thing keeps coming in my room

and bringing it's awful little fleas with it.

Not alot, mind you.

Just one or two.

It's silly.

Like how only some immigrants can come into canada, you know?

Lol.

Tany was asking me about terrorists today.

She's so silly; it's adorable.

Click on that to make it bigger.

I know that Dollface is a McCain supporter so I thought that'd give her a laugh.

Speaking of Amy.

Haven't heard from her much in the past couple days...

I miss her. ):

Lol @ how I almost wrote 'munchkin' instead of 'much in'

I have no idea how that almost happened, but it would've been funny.

"Haven't heard from her munchkin in the past couple days.."

It's be like "HUH?!? WTF. SINCE WHEN DOES SHE OWN A MUNCHKIN??! WHERE CAN I GET ONE??!?! GODDAMN. SOME PEOPLE."

Or not.

Me and Tany and My sister are going to hit that.

It'll be awesome.

At some venue I've never been to though, the croatian cultural center.

What the fuck is a croatian?

I think it's like a culture.

Maybe...there's a place called croatia?

Huh.

So. I'm just kind of babbling on.

There just isn't much of anything going on here, like I said earlier.

Though, I am kind of mad.

I had like a full intuition razor thing sitting RIGHT ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE.

And I didn't shave when I had a shower a bit ago because I thought I didn't have anything left.

What a load of crap.

Oh well.

I wonder what a 'Lake Effect Kid' is.

Maybe I'll google it or something.

Hold on.

I'll even screenshot it so you can see.

Ugh. Nevermind.

I was actually having a pretty good day,

and then like..fuck.

My mom gave me like 50$ for whateve I wanted,

and now I only have 10 left because they borrowed like all of it off me.

It's retarded. They do this every fucking time,

and it's not like I can say no or anything.

Man.

The song I'm listening to is so not appropriate for this situation.

"Boomerang my head

Back to the city I grew up in

Again and again and again

Forever a lake effects kid"

But at the same time, I still can't not like it.

Maybe I'll just change the song, and we won't even have to have this

one sided conversation.

I like this one song by Katy Rose.

Which is ironic,

because it's called 'I Like'.

Lol.

I THINK I used the word 'ironic' right.

But hey, you never know.

I make mistakes too.

Lol.

I used to love this show;

Do you remember it?

He doesn't like being called 'Pat' because that's his mom's name.

Yo yo yo, yiggety yo.

IHOP is a fail.
They didn't even have the crepes & fruit promo
in their menu.
It was lame and I ended up with stuffed french toast.
=/

But anyway.
No idea where to go today.
Very much obsessed with this one thing.
I tried to get it on my blog as a video.
But it wouldn't work.
SO.
Here's a url.

Okayokayokay.
I hate Pate. But like, I read his blog.
I can't help it.
I just...have to. It always has news about the band, damn you all.
ANYHOW.
This is still fresh.

At Jenn's house chilling out.
Bored.

Tyler got a bunch of his teeth out. He looks funny like..a bumpkin.
J.J. has been so very annoying. I guess she missed me.
Nick has been cute and I cuddled him for like ever.
He's cozy.

I just..I dunno. My mom just acted like a real bitch and I couldn't take it.
I was walking to G's from my house and just..fighting tears the whole way.
My throat was so tight I could barely talk and barely breathe.
Even the new music I got the other day didn't do much to help.
Anyway. Um.
I dunno.
Feeling better. Just...ya know. Needed some time to be somewhere were I could just...be.
And not worry and just...have normal time.

Probably will come home tomorrow.
There's things that need doing back at the homestead (rofl. Homestead)
so I need to get back there.

1.) Get computer cord.
2.) Finish enrollment process for school.
3.) Shop 'till we drop.

Lol. It's interesting where my priorities drop.
Umm...hmm.

Tired as hell. Got up at 7 for like the second time in a week.
Almost fell asleep at like five, rofl.
Jenn had a bit of a nap.
She's funny when she sleeps.

Talked to Tany on the phone earlier.
Didn't have much to talk about, just...the usual.
Trying to download audition, but it keeps being retarded, so.

It's getting colder and colder each day, and the sun rises earlier and earlier and lowers earlier and earlier.
I can't believe that summer is over and soon the light will be gone at 3pm and it'll be snowy.
I reaaalllyyy need a coat.
But per usual it'll be my responsibility considering mom can only do a half ass job.
I need new shoes too.
My vans lasted the summer but now they are just barely hanging on.
My left one has a rip down the entire side.
It won't be long until I have to start wearing my converses or worse, the cheap shoes I got from payless last x-mas.

Time seems to be passing amazingly fast.
It's mind boggling.
Usually summer drags on by.
This year it was like a flash.
Only a second in the long timeline of my life.
I still feel like I'm waiting. But now it's more like...I'm waiting but there's no time to wait with anymore.
It's just all ticking away and my life is being wasted.

Thought alot the other day about all the things I don't say.
Just little things, like how I'm really feeling or why I don't want to wear this or that shirt.
I'm going to start doing it less.
Part of that whole honesty thing.
I just...am sick of keeping secrets and lies and anything like that.
I'm not really guilty, it's just more that I want to make sure that I'm...known.
That I don't end up with a problem like; "No one knows who I am now."
You know?
I find that I've changed so much in such a short time.
It's almost scary. And sometimes people say things like..about what I like or how I act and...
I'm just like "Huh. That's not like me at all."

Baby is fussing alittle bit. I can hear him in the next room,
but only barely over my typing.
Hmmm......
I should tell Jenn.
Man, Nick sure is a fussy little bugger.

New.

So...it's the end of the day.
About to go to bed.
Not angry anymore.
Just kind of..disappointed.
Like, I tried to get my cord for my computer.
But that didnt' work out.
I ended up fighting with the parentals, and there was lots of yelling and I just...
hate it.
I hate the lies and the fact that when I'm angry they just kind of..ignore it.
They wait until I blow off the steam and then clamp the lid on tight.

And...and I just felt alot like when I was telling Dollface she didn't get it.
Like, she didn't understand. Couldn't. Because our lives are so different, and...
and I just was glad I had Tany today. Her parents are no where near great, and she understands about alot of things.
Which is weird, because usually it's the other way around.

Anyway.
So, like...I know.
I know, I know, I know.
She's going through shit. Give her time or whatever.
But dude, I feel like everyday there's this huge wedge being shoved between us. And the space is getting wider. And it's getting harder and harder to hear her over here on my side of things.

Or maybe, it's not hard to hear at all. My ears are open, and I'm listening. She isn't talking much.
I feel shut out. And I feel like things somehow changed when I wasn't paying attention.

I feel that way sometimes with tany. Like we've gotten so different and sooner rather then later our bond is going to break. But we pull through. And it's rare I feel this.

Anyway. So like. I said to tany that if she let me be online late, I'd listen to her all morning about will and other things and not even touch the computer. And I made the time to roleplay or listen to whatever dollface had to say etc.etc.etc.
And I just feel like that was wasted. Like, I shouldn't have bothered and should've gone and watched Pursuit of Happiness or simpsons like tany wanted.
But at the same time, I feel like I should've stayed because there were so many times I hung out with Gowri instead of staying to talk to Amy.

But like...man. After the horrible day I'd had, the one thing that I was looking so forward to was roleplaying. This twilight one is like the only one I have going on. I live it. I breathe it. It's there in my head so much. I'm constantly thinking of ways to take the plot. And I just hate how the way Amy feels right now is dominating this in a way that means we can't do anything.
It's scary when someone is hurting so much they can't do things like normal. Even on my blackest deepest depressioneyest day, I made an effort to return to how things were. Tried to pull out of my rut. I hate feeling like that. I hate it with such a passion I just refuse to.

And...and I feel so selfish for feeling those things.
And so much more vindictive to say them here where she'll see.
Because I don't want her to be guilty. And I don't want her to do something if she doesnt' want to.
I just...needed today. You know? But...I'll get over it. I've given up to more.
The world has been packing the punches hard lately.
I remember saying that a few days ago.
It's so very true, and every day I feel more and more on the edge.
Let's just hope I can teeter on through the winter and not fall off.

Fucking not happy right now.
But too angry to talk about it.
The end.

Joker.

Amy says:
*Sighs*
I LOVE YOU TANY!
[Alicia] says:
Lol.
She loves you too.
Amy says:
Tell her I'm making cookies this week.
I'll take pictures
[Alicia] says:
I was saying you said that, and she thought I said 'Amy says she loves you daddy' XD
Mmm. Cookies. What kind.
Amy says:
ROFLMAO!
Chocolate chip
[Alicia] says:
That was my LOL moment of the day.
Ahh. I don't know WHY she could think it made sense for you to say that.
What have you too been up to when I've been gone?
Hmm...
Psh. Fine. Ignore my awesome jokes. I care not.

Lol. Stayed up to like 1am, because there was just these words in my head and I HAD to write them down.

It's seriously like a rap or some shit.

I was amazed.

I'll spit it on webcam later and post it on here. (:

Umm.. yeah.

Downloaded the FOBMIXTAPE yesterday.

The citezens for our betterment stuff.

Grrreeeaaattt.

The new fall out boy is just like...yeah.

I can't believe I doubted them.

The new stuff just made my day yesterday.

CORD TODAYYY. YEAAAHHH.

Can you believe it's going to cost 60 mother fucking dollars?

I find that insane.

VERY insane.

Hm. I'm hungry. It's a good thing today shall be all a shoppping.

New:

Who cares about me?

Right now, I don't. Well, I do.
That dollface could fall to the dark reaches of depression...
it's worrying. I see her so much as a rock. My rock. Strong and constant.
And warm; like the sun. Always hyper and always worrying over things that you don't necessarily have to worry about.
And...and I remember what it feels like.
The winter isn't far off; soon it'll be gray skies and cold.
I'm worried now...that I can't make it.
I was so sure. So very sure.
I was like 'Things are different now, I know exactly how it'll be. I can fight through this and be happy. I'm strong...'
But now I don't know.
And I'm worried that I'll get caught up in my own problems and sadness to an extent that means I won't be able to...to FULLY be there for her.
And I hate that my laptop is down. And I hate that even now,
I wish I could have her assureance that it's okay I wasn't there this time.
And...that's not right. I feel selfish. I feel stupid for needing comfort when I should be the one comforting. I feel guilty and horrible like this was my fault.
And I know that it isn't really my fault.
I know that...that there wasn't much I could do if I didn't know.
And if i didn't have the resources.
I mean, without a computer, what do I have as a way to talk to her?
The phone, maybe. But the long distance would be a killer.
Unless telus has that thing were it's free to phone to usa like shaw has...hmm..
Why am I worrying about this now.
Because distractions work so great to keep you..distracted. To keep you from worrying until everything is actually okay.
As every minute ticks on by I'm worried I was too late.
The Amy I know wouldn't be the one to take her life away.
But...but I remember a time thoughts like that echoed through MY head.
And we all now how much I love life.
But not necessarily living.
Because lately, I haven't been doing much of that.
I still feel so much like I'm waiting. Only I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I'm just...
hm. Epiphany here.
Maybe THIS is what i've been waiting for.
This chance to repay a friend for everything they've ever done for me.
I hate the distance right now.
I hate being young.
I want to be there.


And on the other side of this, in the place that I am now, I am worried.
About my friendship with Tany.
I'm worried that I'm too mature. Too grown up. Ahead of her by leaps and bounds; 'Will she catch up?'
Because...I mean...she just..she hides.
She sits away and cares and about silly things and does silly things and...it's not her.
Because the goddamn blog post, I know she
knows she's hiding too. And I have to tiptoe so many times around things. Around issues. Because she doesn't want to talk about it. And... I hate that.
I feel this distance between us. This unavoidable void that just sits.
Me and her aren't as open as even me and dollface.
And hell, that relationship even needs work.

And goddamn it, family is a mess.
My dad is still so distant and so uncaring.
My mom is the biggest liar I know.
My brother is an ass.
My other brother...well. I barely know him.
Jenn has so many problems it's not even funny.
And I just...I hate all the secrets.
All the things we do that...aren't right.
That I never talk about.
That even my closest friends wouldn't understand.

And I hate myself for caring about these things.
Because right now, it doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
I'm going to give all of myself into Amy so that she can lean on me and be happy.

And...and right now, I'll just wait for amy to get online.
And listen to my music and hope again and again and again I wasn't too late.

'I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.'

Now that I give it a chance, they did come through for me.
Because just when I needed that little extra..boost, here it is.
It's a bad-ass song in some ways.
Tough and raw in a way that's different from their normal.
I like. And...I'm feeling better.
Or atleast calmer.
(:

I'm finding happiness in miersy.
XD

I am not amused.

(I would've posted this last night, but the internet was being lame. So...here you go.)

time: 11:54PM September 5 /08.
----

Fuck everything. Fuck being honest and fuck caring about people.
And fuck Tany most of all.

Her blog and the fact that I read it made her embarrassed and stupid. I made her read what my last post, and she was basically laughing and pointing out things like 'you spelled henna's name wrong'

Well fuck her. She can't even accept the fact that she isn't an idiot. She doesn't even have enough faith in me to think that I'll accept her if she's honest. Like, she's been what she is for so long. And now, when I'm trying to make HER feel better and I'm trying to show her all the things I wrote about. And she just reminded me about another fucking typo. Like things are normal. Things are normal. but I'm too pissed off to care. She lied straight to my face. I asked her what was wrong and she pretended everything was fine when it obviously wasn't. If there was anything I'm starting to hate, it's lies. My entire family life is full of lies. I don't need more. I'm so angry I can't look at her. I'm so angry I want to just run until my lungs burst. Until I die and she realizes how much of an ass she's being. Which works out nicely, since I wanted to start running again anyway. I'm fat. Don't say I'm not. I need to lose some weight. That's just..a given. I'm not saying I don't look good, I'm just saying it'd be...easier.

You know, this is the sort of thing I can't talk to tany about. She'd think I was crazy and just say I was fine. I'm tired of taking care of her. Of protecting her, teaching her and being patient. Because in return, I don't get her. I get what she thnks I want her to be. And in the end, that's not what I want.

My room is a mess. I need to clean it. I need some time alone. I need...I don't know what I need. And this sucks because if I break right now, who will pick up the pieces? I would. Like always. I don't want to think anymore. I'll just disappear into the music and calm down. This'll be a bitch to type out, but whatever. It's how I'm feeling now and these things just needed to be said I guess.
---
'So yeah, yeah yeah.'
time: 12;14 sep. 6 /08.

Listening to 'Hey Brittany' by FTSK.
Never liked this song until recently.

'So why does everything I say just make you upset?
& I'm not here to bring you down, but lift you up, lift you up.
So yeah yeah yeah
Go ahead and lower it down.
Lower it down,
just alittle bit.
Just alittle bit (lower it down)'

I realize that I'm not sick of taking care of Tany.
'm sick of not getting taken care of in return.

But not even that. Just that she didn't trust me to accept what she had to say.
Either way, anger gone.

----
NOW.
Now, as in, right now. As in, 11:28AM sep 6.
As in, this second. As in...I'm done writing about before.


Okkaayyy. So, I'm completely pissed all over again.
Reading this and remembering...I just don't like it.
I'm not happy.
This isn't fixed. We barely talked the rest of the night.
I went to bed without saying goodnight.
We didn't tell inside jokes like we usually did.
I didn't make her remember bernie mac or uncle john.
Things are weird and it's not my fault.
Tan is still asleep, and I have no clue what to say to her when she wakes up.
And I have no idea how I feel besides angry.

So..still working on getting that second blog up.
I'm thinking of calling it something fancy, but IDK what yet. My only thought was 'Style & Sound' because I also want to encorporate my fashioney side.
By the way, I'm in the works of finishing that skirt AND I have a design down for what I want of my dress. So they'll be pics of my design and the fabric on my blog and that. (:

On the unfresh side of things...

Tany's friend Nick was a douchebag to her.
And I didn't think it meant like /that/ much to her. Like, I thought she was just pissed off because he was a mitch to her... you know?
But she wrote this draft for her blog.
And...she didn't post it. But I wanted to read it, and I knew she had written it, so...I got into her account and read it. Which I probably shouldn't have done, because not only is that not respecting her privacy, but..it's kinda rude.
Though, I'm glad that I did. And it makes me rethink a statement I said earlier.

Me & Dollface were talking about Dollface's blog and our blogs in general because she wrote this super post...anyway. I'll respond to that later. So the comment was after me and Amy had said about how our blogs are like our diaries, and I had said that I didn't think Gowri had grasped that concept yet. Because... her blogs were very 'empty'
Like, plain and dry and without much emotion.
But...the post she didn't make was very good.
It was well written, though could've used some proof reading..but it was good compared to her usual writting.
And..it was powerful. Because it let you see...her. And how she felt. And she put work into it.
At first, I was sad. Because there was alot in there that wasn't true, and that...isn't quite correct.
And then I was proud. Because...well. Tany can be very..hidden I guess. Like, SHE isn't there. But..she is there. Like...parts of her personality aren't seen, but they are there. And I was proud because I had believed for so long she had the ability to be better. Not that she isn't great, but..you know. Like..she had potential to be even greater.
Anyway. She put thought and she put vocabulary and she used punctuation, and spell check etc.etc. And... I really think she should post that post. Because the person that she wants to be, and that she is aiming to be is...there. Written between the lines and waiting. It would be a very bold and respectful move for her to take her blogging into the more personal level that me and Dollface write in. But Tany, don't think that you /have/ to take my advice. I would very much like if you were more honest with me though. Like..you didn't lie to me about Nick. But..you weren't very truthful. You didn't really tell me all of how you were feeling about it, and you didn't expand and say about exactly WHY it upset you. I think that sometimes the both of us aren't as...detailed about things as we could be. And I think that our relationship as friends has a barrier or boundry. And I think we could be closer and that sort of thing if we didn't hold back our opinions and if we said what we wanted to say and did what we wanted to do. I think that alot of the time you want to ask me things but..you don't. And I think sometimes I think that my jokes can be...harsh. And sometimes I don't think that I pay enough attention to you. You have to tell me when you want me to focus and that what you're saying is important and not just the usual. We're allready very close, because...we know each other so well. But there's still things...
I think we both have our secrets, but hold them in for fear of what the other would say.
And...you have to not take me so seriously. Like, if I make fun of you, I'm not making fun of you! That doesn't make any sense, I know. But I'm not being serious when I joke about you, I promise. And I just feel like sometimes I have to be worried about what you'll think of somethings because maybe you wouldn't understand. But I think I'm underestimating you there.
Oh, look. I just had an entire one-sided heart-to-heart.
I tried not to go into to much detail about your blog post Tan, just because I didn't want too much out there if you weren't going to put it up.
Also, Gowri, to be honest you have alot of ideas in your head that aren't right about yourself.
Mostly about the being able to make friends thing.
I just...nevermind. If you post the post, fine. I'll leave comments. If not, I'll drop it. This'll be the last you'll hear about it.

So. Now. Amy's blog...

Dollface, I was thinking in the shower this morning.
About if you died. And like..if you died, how would I ever find out?
I mean, like..if I died tany would surely remember to tell you.
But like...how would I ever find out? Who would tell me? I just...thought about that and it got me kinda worried.
If you ever decide to ditch me, tell me before you ignore me so I don't end up thinking you died. Because if that happened i'd end up hunting throughout all of Texas looking for you. And no one wants an upset Ali on the loose.

So..I know it might be wrong. But to be honest dude? I envy you. I envy that you might be in love, even though that's sucking real hard for you right now. And I envy that you have someone that might love you back. However frustrating it is, I wish I would have that.
Reading your post made me think about all the guys I could've be with.
Zach, Lewis, Mitchel. And the guys that I could...maybe make an effort for. But we'll start with them later.

Okay. So, in grade 4 I was a total Tomboy. Full out anti-girlie. I was rough and tough and borderline bully. And..inwardly vulnerable. I was just coming from a school that sucked and I was hated by like everyone to this totally new one where it was smaller and everyone had known each other since kindergarten in some cases. I had no friends that were girls, and no friends period for a long time.
Until...them. I don't remember who I knew first. I think it was Lewis.
Lewis...is someone I cared -and still care- deeply for. He NEVER yelled at me. Though trust me, this kid had some serious anger issues when it came to everyone else. But I don't think he ever yelled directly at me once. He had a british accent, blonde hair and blue eyes and his cheeks were always red and he sort of looked like he was blushing all the time. His hand writing was messy. He was thin and his clothes generic and almost foriegn. He had a little sister in kindergarten. I think her name was Alyssa. He was sarcastic and funny and..sweet sometimes. He read magazines like Teen People, but no one knew that but me. He was mature and smart and told jokes about sex. I idolized him, and had a crush on him for what seemed to be forever. I didn't have much competition considering he seemed to hate just about everyone else, and the feeling was pretty much mutual. But Zack liked him. And it was Lewis that introduced me to Zack. Zack was Zany and weird and insane. He was obsessed with video games in the way only guys can be. His clothes were cheap, but clean. He was vulgar and bossy. Brown haired, brown eyes. Had a bit of a lisp, if i remember correctly. I liked him too at one point...
I remember clearly the day I started hanging out with them. It was sunny. A typical fall day. The playground was dusty, and the sun was in my eyes. Me and Lewis walked towards the forest, and he was asking me about if I knew about video games. I of course, didn't know much. Super nintendo and nintendo 64 and some lame ps1 games were all my record held. But..I let on like I knew more. Which was an outward lie, but they never guessed. I just pretended to know. And anyway, I was more a princess peach while they were the valiant heroes. They crushed villians with swords of sticks and kicked at trees. I was like a sidekick, fliting around trying to help out. Zack always had an idea for what to do. Lewis always provided the weapon ideas and the attack plans and the smarts of it. I put in the most random ideas and thoughts and..just..anything that came to mind. Zack moved away first. It was in the middle of the year, or near it. I'd never been to his house, though I think he invited me once. I knew him less. But I missed him all the same. And...one day he was just kind of gone. No real goodbye and no real..established line of continued connection. Lewis...just didn't come back. The end of 2004 came. And in the start of grade five and all through out the rest of the years, he wasn't there.
School was never easy for him. He had the same problem I now have; boredom. He was loud and disruptive, only he did most of his work. He broke one of his arms, I remember. He was grouchy then, and it was his left hand (he was left-handed) so he couldn't do his work that well. If there was ever a time he had yelled at me, it would have been during that period of time. He was listless and restless then, but still my friend. Just..preoccupied. If there is anyone who could be smarter then me, it would be him. I remember seeing his sister at school, but never with his family. And I saw him once at school after he was gone.
It was after school in spring, or one of those fall days that feels like summer because it was warm. I was sweaty, and walking with Heena and Emily into the office. I was leading them in, and talking about some stupid story... loudly and bossily and..very unlike the me I was with my boy bestfriends. And then...he was there. By the bikerack. Rosy cheeks and slightly different hair cut, but..him. Except for...there was something odd. He was quieter and seemed shyer and seemed..like..not himself. I had pondered so many thoughts as to why he didn't come back. I thought about crazy things like secret agents and someone dying. Car crashes and idenity thefts. And when I saw him...I stopped. And kind of stared. And..asked, plainly as could be. "Lewis?" I don't remember what he said. Something along the lines of hi, I guess. I asked him what he was doing here. He mumbled something about "My sister..." and just cut short. There silence for a long time, and...I just said 'Well...alright then. I..have to go. Bye." or something equally lame. And continued walking like it didn't matter and continued on with my story to emily and heena.
I'm ashamed now of what I did then. I should've... hugged him and told him how much I had missed him. I should've given him my phone number and sent heena and emily on their way so I could talk with him in private. But I did none of this. I just walked away. I regret this so much now. He was my only friend for a long time. And it wasn't really until he was gone that I realized my mistake.
Zack, I never cared that much about. I'm pretty sure any relationship we would've had would've ended. He was bossy and I like to get my way. Not really a good match.
I saw Zack again, the summer of 5th or 6th grade. At one of the local pools. We hung out all of the swim, and then..that was it. We just went our seperate ways, and I was bold as could be and pushed him in the pool and told him about what I had thought of him a year or two ago. He looked shocked, and...I think he changed somewhere along the way.
Mitchel. God, what a mess he was. What a mess I was. I hung out with brianna for a breif time there, since I lived just up the street from her for a bit. So we hung out. The people that lived next door to her where Dayton and his mother janet and his father Adrian upstairs. Who we still talk to on a somewhat regular basis, and Janet is good friends with my mom. In the end of it all, Me and Dayton ended up being the closest of all the group.
Downstairs from them all was Tara-Lynn, Avery, and Mitchel and their mom Tamara.
Tara was a year younger then me. Avery was the same age, and was even in some of my classes last year. Mitchel was two years older, and geeky but somehow sporty at the same time. My and Tara ended up being real good friends. Brianna was going out with Avery.I never paid much attention to Avery, because I hated his name alot. Mitchel..was a different story. He...wasn't what you would think I would go for. He didn't appear to be very smart, and he liked football and other sports and video games...and was...less. Less then what I think you guys think I should have, anyway. So. I liked him. And...I almost told him. But..he..pushed away from me. And so, I have a feeling he suspected and liked me back but never had the guts to let me push over the fence that seperated us as friends and us as something else.

And then there's the ones that I COULD still possibly maybe...be with.
But..both of them have their flaws. First, the most outlandish idea.
Jason Thoohan. He's the kind of guy that shouts insults at me and Gowri as we walk by, just to get a rise. Mostly to me, though. And...always talking to me and always being a snoop and asking questions and...yeah. A Jerk. But..gowri thinks he was a jerk because he liked me. Or..likes me, whatever. He's skinny and brown and geeky and hangs out with losers. I've known him since the third grade because we used to play at the same park, and we would hang out because i was ever making friends or something. And then in grade 4 I went to his school and everything changed. Gone was the nice boy, and here was this...loser. So I never paid him much attention except to shout insults back when he chose to be mean. I don't see much future with us because he will never get the guts to tell me, and I will never search out such an awkward situation as to ask him. Not that he'd give me a straight answer anyway.

Now...Mason. The one I've known the longest because I've known him since I was 4/5, and on and on up until now. He was always nice, I guess. But he prefered someone else always, it seemed. He always wanted to hang out with Dylan and Sammy and even Kyla, and just..anyone else but me. And now, in the more recent, he's even more of a jerk and either ignores me, pays minimal attention, or does hang out with me. Oh, and there's the times he ignores me and I try to get him to pay attention to me and then he has a hissy fit.
He's...not my ideal in the looks department. Because from what I can see, he could look nice. He is kind of cute, actually. In a P-trixesque type deal, almost. But..he has such low self confidence and such low...concept of style. I think he's a jerk because he doesn't think I could ever like him, and maybe he doesn't like that thought? Like...he thinks I'm too good or something? From some of the things he's said, this seems plausible. But..at the same time.
Is it obvious I like him? It sort of is. And he always seems to be so..honest with me, and I with him. He's a good friend when he isn't glued to the computer. His family loves me. And there was even a time his mother suggested me going to a dance with him, because..IDK. He had no one else to go with and that was his excuse. But that would've been awkward. And that sort of thing doesn't happen to a girl like me.
I'm thinking though, that I'm just reading way too much into this. He couldn't possibly want me. The younger, annoying girl he's known since forever. The one that knows less and somehow more at the sametime. The girl so painfully transparent that I shouldn't feel like yelling 'I LIKE YOU, YOU IDIOT.'

Look at me. Rambling on. I can't help it though. As desperate and horrible as it sounds, I want a boyfriend. I want love and friendship and everything you see in the movies and TV and books and even real life all rolled into one. I want the confusion and the mess...
And here we are. Back to where we started. Yes. I'm evious of dollface because she has...sort of a someone. And maybe even another someone or two.
Hell, she always seems to have options and options and options.
And I've never said it, but...I kind of think she's alittle bit lucky there.
I hope that makes you feel better, Amy. That even though the whole situation seems crappy, there are those that would think about trading with you.

So. Anyway. In regard to the fact that I don't have even a sort of boyfriend,
I can wait. I can try and be patient and just..sit back and look for the boy that could be.
And even think about considering the ones that might be.
Except, it seems that the more I contemplate them, the farther away they go. And when I forget and think less and have bigger wants then a boyfriend, they seem to pop out of nowhere.
I wish life could work like how I want for once.
And I wish I could get this wish.
For now, though, I'm happy. And I'm strong and I'm good as I am. And I'm ending this post because it's huge. (:

Good morning, losers.


Sorry about my absence for several days...


I was at Jenn's helping with the move.


Her new house is amazing by the way.


Except for the creepy old asian lady that stares out of her window at the house.


Jenn told me on msn today about how she waved at the lady and then the lady went away.


Which made me LOL really hard, considering I saw that lady too and stared back but she didn't see me I guess.





Um...


God. This entry is as bland as Tan's mom's food.


And trust me, that's pretty damn bland.


Sooo....hm.


OH YES.


I was thinking about starting another blog that's strictly music.


Because...so much space HERE is taken up by what I'm listening to and what lyricsI'm obsessed with and BLAH BLAH BLAH.





Finished a piece of art. It's... hm.


It's a bunch of girls cut out from magazines, and..they're cut into pieces and glued so that you can still see the whole of each individual, but...their greatest asset is showcased. And the things that could be considered 'flaws' in the industry are taken away, or...highlighted in some way.


I put this one phrase from 'The cactus life' by Balance Problems around the edge.


The phrase is 'Don't expend your energy on something that you don't believe'


Make of it what you wish, I guess. I like it. It's hanging near my bed. (:

Ahh yes. These are new.

I had my hair like that because of these totally awesome leporad print pants I've got.
I wore them with my sequined black tank/dress.
OH AND.
I'm going to finish my skirt I started months ago.
And I'm going to make a dress.
Or two.
I dunno yet.
And I have no idea where I'll wear what is sure to be an extravagant piece of work.

OHRIGHT. My laptop? Yeah. The cord is fucked. So...I'm on Tany's.
And yeah. Hopefully I'll be getting one today.
And hopefully tany will be getting her chefs hat.

I'm hungry. I want pie. ):
And...yeah.
Pissed off about my dad being pissed off.
He did my math work 'even though it was totally easy and I was going to do it' and now he's making a big deal about it. And I didn't even ask him to.
The fucking loser. But...I dunno.
I'm finding it hard to get mad at him lately.
I'm not sure if this is some form of forgivenness, or if I just don't care anymore.