A lot of the time, I feel like a girl in a music video.
Nothing more then a character, plodding along in time
to the music.
Especially when I listen to songs by Beirut I feel this way.
Just walking and walking and walking, the camera following and
everything for no real reason.
Or like a girl in a movie, or book.
Perfect soundtrack to life, if my
life could be as intricately beautiful and sadly happy.
And especially if I could cut open my brain and just let all the thoughts out for everyone to
see. Only, it wouldn't be in a rude way. Somehow, it would be subtle.
Like wearing a completely white outfit on a summer day when bare feet
are necessary, and the sky is powdery blue and the sun is merely an orange
splash against paper-thin clouds. Only, it wouldn't be seeing that memory
itself, but a crisp polaroid that got lost somewhere in a shoebox.

That's kind of how I feel today.
Very full of things, like thoughts
and emotions and wants and things,
but quiet and simple and tired of it, instead
of being cheerful.

My life is maybe more like a The Mountain Goats song.
Especially 'This Year'. Hard hard hard hard things, and deep
deep deep deep thoughts. Hurting memories, sharp and clear.
But even then, maybe it isn't.
Because that song has a cheerful tone to it despite all those things.
But maybe I'm right, and it's just today that's this way.
But maybe it isn't just today, because yesterday was similar.

"I am gonna make it, through this year if it kills me."