I'm moving in with Jenn.
I should be happy, but I can't stop crying.
I don't want to cry.
I don't want this.
I don't want anything.

I have that hollow feeling in my chest,
and it feels like falling.
I'm tired.

Sick of everything.

I need to talk to you.

I don't think things can really be that way again.
I don't know if it's a bad thing, though.

Whatever, man.

I didn't know what you meant at first.
I don't even know how I figured it out,
but I got to thinking about your blogger blog
and what the name of it was.
And I started going to it thinking I was totally crazy
and why wouldn't you just say that you were going back on
there if you were? But then I got on it, because I started reading.

Anyway,
Yeah.
This is really just /our/ place,
I suppose. Because I would never post
anything completely soulful on my tumblr either.
And I would never really want a bunch of people
to see this because there is so much of me.


I'm sorry that you're going through all this stuff and that
I really can't do much to help, or comfort, or...anything.
But I am here for you, which I know you know.
Because I love you, and you're my best friend.
And I just don't think I could ever...not, you know?

I don't know what to tell you about this situation, though.
I really don't. It sucks.
Don't be mad at yourself for not wanting to just be happy.
Sometimes there just..has to be more.
But I don't think you should have to push yourself into anything.
Sometimes it's better just to go forward, I know.
But...I don't want things to end up being...more complicated.
And like, I just want things to be good for you.
I'm just..worried.
I hate to see you hurt.
But...if you are going to.
Then, I'll be supportive of that.
Because it's your choice and...you never know,
it could end up great.
It could be the best thing you ever chose to do.
So, just..yeah.
I'm just here for you.
And..I miss you too.

And I hope we get to talk soon.

Woke up laaaate.

Because I fell back asleeep.

Kinda feel like a sheeep

with all these extraaa

'aaahhhh' sounds.

Haha. I don't even know.

I'm hyper as fuck right now.

And omg.

Clarinet version of About A Girl

by Guy Ripley is completely amazing.

o:

If low energy.

It's so damn classy.

Wrote this last night after I posted the other things. Decided to add it, because I am so lazy to get ready today.

This page was fresh.

It only takes a moment

to destroy

everything.

Years,

Months,

Weeks,

Days,

Hours,

Seconds,

time's up.

Just going to get ready for work.

Tired as fuck.

Didn't wake up well.

Because I decided to sleep in since I had no idea what time

I had to be up (I only slept until 7:45, so.),

but I was all shakey and confused anyway because

I kicked into overdrive panicking that Casey needed

me for 8AM and that was in like...20.

Haha.

I'm pretty much ready now and it is just hitting 8, though.

Which is funny because all I did was throw some clothes on.

Just gotta attack my hair and then pack my bag.

(:

Been listening to acoustic guitar based things a lot.

It's so pretty and strong, I don't know how I

ever find the time to abandon it for electro, etc.

I'm starting to hate anything rule-like.

And I think everything would go better if laws and rules and things were phrased

positively.

("No stopping on the bridge"

vs.

"Please always stay moving on the bridge.")

Dull summer heat,

slap-sharp in it's own right,

fills my pores.

Cells.

Parts.

Everything.

Sticks and clings,

conjures sweat.

Weighty and dangerous,

it almost

soothes,

if it didn't prickle.

Shut it out.

All

of

it.

Especially,

sounds.

Tap-tapping

and voices.

Drifting and intricate.

Foriegn but close.

Suffocating.

Too distant.

Making me uncomfortable.

Pressing

pressure;

it sizzles on my skin,

and

just

underneath.

Boils.

Bubbles.

Rises.

Like anger joined to lonliness.

I know I just posted a minute ago,

but I was just thinking about

attempting some more haikus later.

I'm determined.

Maybe it'll put all this extra thought energy to use.

Still need to walk the dog, though.

But I don't want to leave until Jaylin and Mom are on their way.

I hate to see her cry after me everytime I go to go somewhere.

Okay. That's all.

I'll leave this for a while.

The clackclackclackclackclackclackclackclack

sound of the keyboard mixed with everything else is just no good.

I forgot to say.

I looked up fishtail braiding because it had

always intrigued me since this time I saw it

in a magazine.

I learned well enough, and now it's my favourite thing.

I've worn it in variations for the past three days, but it's too much hassle for me

to want to try tomorrow.

Takes a lot of time to get it too look pretty,

because using tiny sections looks best.

Which doesn't make sense unless you know what I'm talking about, but I don't care.

Supposed to be going to the aquarium one of these saturdays with my mom.

They have new butterflies for a while.

From costa rica.

I saw them on the news, and they're beautiful.

While we were swimming today one of those white moths you always see kept flying over the pool. You'd think it had a death wish, considering all the other bugs that get sucked in.

But it was okay. Even though I wanted so much just to touch it.

Well.

I guess this is what comes of writing. And writing more.

And then even more, and then more than that, and then all the time and even when there's nothing to say, etc.

Because whenever I set myself down to begin something, I can't stop.

Words and words and words and words.

Dramatic things and so on.

I wish my spell check worked in here like it does in tumblr.

I hate having to click the little 'abc *check*' button by the place where you click to upload photos.

I missed Tan a lot yesterday.

I don't even have her number anymore, to phone. I think I ripped it up one day.

Right in half, and then half again, and then again.

Methodically.

There's so many words ringing around in my head.

Too much.

I think this is why I stopped writing like this,

it's all consuming and after a while it gets to be too much.

No wonder most geniuses are/were completely insane.

More more more more more freckles.

Tiny, itsy bitsy barely-there ones.

Maybe they grow in time.

I bet if I lived to be a thousand years old,

I'd just be the colour that they are.

Super tan beneath my perma-sunburn.

Spending 3+ hours in a pool just about every weekday

is probably the cause of that.

Fierce sore throat.

It's been here for days and days, but all it does is ache and look kind of gross

but I'm not quite sure, because I can't get the lighting right

that it'll hit the back of my throat properly.

Took the bus home from work today.

I was sitting in the seats for the elderly at the front,

and on that bus the seats are different and I'm too short

for those ones. Sitting back with my ankles crossed over one another, my feet were off the ground. That wasn't comfy though because when you sit in those seats you face sideways, and the bus movements jerk you all around, so I had my toes on the ground and sat in a way that I was kind of hunched forward, IDK. It was exhausting either way.

Jaylin is here.

But she's bothering me because this isn't anything I want now.

She just bothers me here, but at jenns house she is so much more behaved.

Nicholas's birthday is on the 10th.

I can't believe it's almost been a year since he was born, it's flown by.

Haven't had much time to write.

Since I went to the library yesterday, I've just been reading.

Two done already, 5 to go.

Not sure which one to start, so I'll wait until tomorrow because

I'll probably be taking the bus home again.

Casey's dad has been working double shifts lately,

and since she just opened her hair boutique, (fancy words for small, highend salon)

she's busy all day and absolutely couldn't get away to drive me.

One of her sisters came today to take the girls and drive me to the bus stop.

She seemed nice enough, I guess.

No one ever told me her name.

Not looking forward to work tomorrow.

I'm so tired, and it's so hot and I'd rather just be

by myself and do...anything.

I was walking by the park that always gives me the creeps like I do

just about everyday while I was walking the dog and saw the tiniest kitten.

I went back later to see if I could get the poor thing, but it was no where in sight.

Felt like a loser walking through the empty trails in there,

mewing and shaking a bit of cat food all around so even if I didn't find it, it'd get something yummy. But still. I looked, for a long while even.

Which is certainly something because I've never been in there.

I did say, it gives me the creeps.

JJ is crying.

I should comfort her, but I was up at 6,

and she's talking on the phone to her mom anyway.

She's going home, I just heard.

I wish I could go too, things are at their usual here.

When we were at the library ( I went with my mom. I don't feel like sharing about that because I allready wrote it down before and it's such a pain to repeat)

mom saw this thing about outdoors-ey stuff.

Kayaking courses and hiking and wakeboarding and canoeing and hiking and everything I could imagine. Not too expensive, even.

I hope that I'll be able to do something like that.

Tried cleaning my room last night and it was a mistake and a half.

I don't know what else to say.

Or do.

I'm rambling.

It's entertaining.

It's hitting 11 now.

I spent hours soaked in chlorine, so I'm going to go grab a shower

and try to wash the smell out of my very lungs.

And especially out of my hair.

It reminds me about how much I did today, and it just makes me more tired.

I get to sleep in tomorrow, though.

Not working until sometime after 12 because my boss is going in

early to meet with an inspector, etc. etc. etc.

Thinking about spending my spare time this year getting certified as a lifeguard.

There's good money in lifeguard jobs, and it's something I enjoy.

Probably just going to lie in bed, write and listen to music after my shower.

I could attempt to finish chapter 1 in DW4, but I don't feel like that tonight.

I don't feel like much of anything.

The house is much too quiet.

This is just some parts I took out of an extremely long telling about part of my day. I'm lazy to type the whole thing, and this one is more personal.

Staring at myself in the large mirrors of their upstairs bathroom after I'd peeled the black and almost skimpy second-skin of a two piece off, it was like seeing someone else.

An explosion of freckles, framing my my features like a specially designed tattoo. Even the edges of my lips and the occasional base of my eyebrow hairs were decorated with the natural polka dots. I like it. Kisses from the sun, making me prettier and showing off how much the warm weather loves me.

When I was younger, I remember thinking of freckles like little tokens from angels...

All the words I could

say back to you

have been repeated

so many times in

my head that they

feel useless and

redundant before

they even hit my

lips, or the tip of

my tongue.

I could never win

against you

anyway.

Beauty.

Lipstick smudge,

mascara run;

a girl once primped and pretty.

Torn, destroyed and dripped away

to bare bones.

It is inside.

Videogames rot your mind.

Trash and stupidity, ignorance.

Violence and gore, pixelated adoration.

Your brain needs a flash update.

My sanity flees in paragraphs.

Written of read,

the cells give way

for ink and imagination.

I don't mind.

I'd easily succumb to being a paperdoll with a wordy addiction.

Summer Dreams.

Summer dreams of twilight skies,

and hazy moonlight.

I dream of werewolves.

Looming, leering, with eyes on me as I walk.

Dark forests

and dreams slip into the day.

Haiku.

No clue how to write

a haiku poem of merit.

All my attempts fail.

---

Especially that one,

because the second line as 8 syllables even though

I totally tried super hard to make sure there was

7. =/

More writing.

I've been scribblings things into a book of construction paper I've recently aquired.

An odd diary, I know.

But it fits for me, I think.

I like how it can be multi-purpose.

Anyway.

I'll make up for my lack of posts here with the typed version

of all some of my writing.

Handwritten version looks prettier, though it would

probably would be harder to decipher.

Orange Tangerine.

10 steps to writing better:

Write.

Write more.

Write even more.

Write even more than that.

Write when you don't want to.

Write when you do.

Write when you have something to say.

Write when you don't.

Write everyday.

Keep writing.

---

So I did.

I wrote this poem, just now.

It rhymes, I'm pretty surprised.

Kind of a big blend of a lot of things

rolling around in my head.

---

Orange - Tangerine,

a colour too loud not to be seen.

Stark and unforgiving,

some people almost make a living

just trying to think of a rhyme.

If only I had the time,

I'd try.

But too busy am I,

wasting dreams on decorated apple pie,

baked and sugared in another kitchen,

But not even for the food, just a person really itchin'

to be met.

Or just set,

with enough time for us to talk.

And I wish we could take a lazy walk,

across a distant ocean shore.

But I'd surely be too much of a bore.

---

Thinking about entering it in the annual student summer writing contest hosted by the library.

Not sure yet, since I'll probably be writing more.

http://maybearicedreamgirl.tumblr.com/

Revamped the tumblr I made forever ago.

Enjoy.

"Keep being awesome!"

From passive-agressive notes.

Just woke upp a bit a go...

going to Transformers 2 at 10:30 for the midnight screening.

Umm...just applied to this awesome sounding job, just 'hanging out' / babysitting

these 2 girls that are 9 and 10, and like...just making sure they don't kill each other. But they are very well behaved, appearantely and they have a pool, so that'd be like....awesome.

$150 dollars a week for hanging out, so. Maybe meeting tomorrow, that'll be great.

I was the first to phone, so...I hope that I get it.

Got a fabric marker and some studs.

Murdered a long sleeve and made it a v neck t so that I could use both of those items.

My arms look horrible in this pic, I think.

=/

I NEED YOU HERE WITH ME //playlist.

'Tremors' - Two Tongues.*

'He Took Her to a Movie' - Ladytron.*

'Makes Me Wonder' - Maroon 5.*

'Situations' - Escape the Fate.

'Rice Dream Girl' - Casiotone For The Painfully Alone.

'Bixby Canyon Bridge' - Death Cab for Cutie.*

'I Feel Better' - Frightened Rabbit.*

'Wolves At Night' - Manchester Orchestra.

'Hold On' - Hot Chip.*

'Wowee Zowee' - Two Tongues.*

'I Miss You' - Blink-182.

'I'm A Terrible Person' - Rooney.

'Behave!' - Frightened Rabbit.

'Rain' - Bishop Allen.

'Colourful Language' - You, Me, And Everyone We Know.

'Gotta be Alone' - Mansions.

'Hearts Of Iron' - Handsome Furs.

'I'd Be More Interested if You Were Already Spoken For' - You, Me, And Everyone We Know.

'Yucatan Gold' - Throw Me the Statue.

---

Two Tongues, is insanely awesome.

Really, really, really, awesome.

They showed up in my recommendations last night,

and I was super curious right away because it's Max Bemis and Coby Linder of Say Anything, along with two dudes from Saves The Day. Now, I've never really heard the other band. But Say Anything is awesome! And their lead singer likes YMAEWK (because they are kind of similar, imo) and he has a great voice, too. So it was just appealing. But then I heard this, and it was just like... "wow" and then I heard 'Wowee Zowee' and it was like, "whoa" and I catapulted them onto my 'all time faves' along with the likes of Beach House, YMAEWK, DATH, FOB, This Providence, Sea Wolf, etc. Stuff I'll never get entirely sick of.

I really really really really suggest you listen to at least those two songs by them. And if you don't like it, well. Maybe listen again. XDDD

I personally just think they are great.

And they're rather new, too. Their self titiled album just dropped february 2009. (:

This isn't all that I'm listening to lately, but I don't want to make this playlist too huge.

The ones with '*''s are the ones I've been singing lately, and therefore LOVE just a bit more.

I have a lot to blog about.

Originally it was just going to be like 2 posts,

one about what my day is going to be today...

and another that'd be a playlist.

But then I was reading Pate's blog as I so often do, to merely stay informed and such...and saw what I put in the below post.

Thought it was worth it's own, since it was so rather intriguing.

So, anyway. Mom's b-day was yesterday. But no one really had money until today, so.

Jenn got a cake in secret, and is picking it up like...now, along with some flowers.

And then they'll all come over and we'll sing happy birthday, etc.

Probably going to go to back to Jenn's with them after that, and whatnot.

Mom woke me up this morning asking me if I was hungry.

She called a cab and we went to cash her check, and then we went over to quiznos

and tried their new torpedos.

Yummy, yummy, and yummy.

I had bacon beef cheddar, or something. It was good.

And I got pommegranate green tea, and grabbed a nanimo bar to split.

We ended up having the bar later, though. But it was nice.

Having breakfast and talking, it was fun. We haven't done something like that in a while.

When I got back I took the dog for a walk.

Later, me and jenn are going shopping for THONGS.

rofl. And other things.

I just had to put that in there, because a lot of people know

I think those are like super uncomfortable but jenn is persuasive.

And so is mom. I don't want to be left out of their little so called underwear club.

Even though that's something I just made up, but they both do so why not me?

I know, I know. Alittle TMI.

XD

I'm a bit hyper.

Gotta save some change to go to the library...

but Jenn is getting a car today/tomorrow so she could probably even just drive me there.

Just waiting for my ipod to charge, then I'll probably head to the wal-mart to grab a pop, because no one has gone grocery shopping yet and I'm thirstyy.

Playlist to follow, and a lot of raving about this awesome band I found out about.

When I saw this, I immediately thought that Tiffany Blews was going to be the next single, and that the video was going to have a concept similar to that time when Britney's 'Break The Ice'

but I google'd 'Fall Out Toy Works' and came up with this website, that prompted me to put in my email for more information. Having not yet recieved any email, I google'd some more and came up with an article that said this:

So what happens when you combine Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and the folk’s over at Image Comics? Well you get the soon to be released comic entitled Fall Out Toy Works, of course. The five issue series is based around the song “Tiffany Blews” off the bands album Folie à Deux which came out this past December. The background for the comic is:

“It tells the story of a brilliant young robot maker who risks his entire company for his factory’s newly produced android named Tiffany as she becomes his greatest passion and potentially his own destruction.”

Fall Out Toy works will be written by Brett Lewis and Sam Basri will be the artist. Look for the first issue to hit stores September 2nd.

I like the concept and will be checking this out when it gets released so make sure you are ready for the Beyond the Panels when it is.

A FOB comic book, eh? Well. I'd buy that.

Look like it'd be well drawn, in any case.

Good story line, too.

I just got back about half an hour ago.

I was going to get up at 5:20, but then I woke up at that time and it was cold in my room, so I ended up bundling back under my blankets, of course telling myself that I'd get up soon,

but then I fell asleep until 6:59.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go anymore, without the anonymity of being out while it was too early for most people to be paying attention to anything, let alone awake, and without it still being partially dark. But I got up, tugged on sweats and a couple tanktops, socks and a pair of runners I've had for like 3 years, but have only been worn like 3 times that I remember.

It was cold, and for a long time I just walked, trying to figure out which way I was going to go.

I didn't want to run the way I walk the dog, because it's mostly flat. But I started heading that way... because there's this one park with a tiny tiny tiny bit of trees and this path, and whenever I walk the dog past there at night I feel like something is watching me, and in my imagination it's always some crazy fantasy creature. But anyway. I kind of just zig zagged for a long time, because I went up my street and then down the street next to mine (because I decided to head to the one park) but then I changed my mind and went up the street by the wal-mart, and kept going up because it's a hill. And I ran up most of it, then cut across to this park where I used to go for picnics with my classes in elementary, by these tennis courts. And so I ran down there, and then I went down this paved path that goes up to this other part of the park that has soccer feilds and where a pool used to be, and then I went back down that path and down the one path I walked with Tyler and got those awesome pictures, in the foresty area...and then I went down th e paved area that used to be the half way point for walking gowri home, next I just ran down the bit of street after that, through the catwalk, and back down my street.

I didn't run the whole way, but most of it. And when I did, I was running hard.

I think tomorrow I'll sleep in and opt to go on the thing we've got in the foyer, and then the next day I'll run again. A more reasonable time, 6:45 maybe.

I just like running, it's great.

Once I finally got going, I didn't want to stop.

It was like my legs didn't really exist, and I didn't really exist,

and I was just going and going and going, and there's music playing and this just rained in the forest mixed with a ripe berry smell, and the air was just so thick...but it was great. And the ground just disappeared beneath my feet, and I was just...gone.

I didn't have to think, and I would've just gone on forever but my body isn't used to this again, yet. It will be soon. I think one of the things that's going to get me through the summer will be running and things like it. And books. Speaking of those, I've got to go to the library soon. I've got 1.5 left to read. =/

Finally heard from dollface, so that's great.

Just waiting for a reply, but whatever.

If it takes a while that's okay.

Going to go grab a hot shower now, and then maybe make something to eat.

I made some oatmeal shortly after I got in, but I'm still kind of hungry.

And thirsty. But I all ready drank a lot of water, and I don't want to do that thing that can happen when you drink too much water too fast, and then like..it just messes you up.

IDK.

Today will be a good day to play dragon warrior IV.

I'm still only on chapter 1. =/

I was walking the dog, and I just kept going.

And going...and going.

Because I felt like walking.

In a few hours, I'm going to wake up at some horrible time,

to run. Because I feel like running.

Good night.

At home now.

Currently working on things for ITYSHT.

Probably goin gto walk the dog soon, because of that.

And to wind down more from being at jenns.

Um.

I don't really have anything to say.

Still at Jenns, ended up staying for like another night.

Meh.

Things are mostly the same, I just thought I'd put why I hadn't yet updated.

And, also because of a lack of something to do.

I...have a lot of feelings running around in my head.

A lot of thoughts. I don't want to unwrap it all while I'm not at home,

I may implode.

There's just too much, I think.

And I'm angry.

At me. But it is complicated, and I am going to leave it.

I forget the things that I've said, and a lot of the things I was going to say.

The days are too long, and there is more and more time that I figure this blog isn't of much use.

Today I feel itchy and restless and impatient.

An almost angry, upset kind of feeling.

But it's tucked inside this other girl, and I don't know if that really is what I feel anymore.

Maybe when you're different all the emotions change their shapes, and you have to figure it all out again. But that sounds crazy, and I don't feel as different as I did.

I can tap into something I couldn't quite name the other day, though.

This girl likes to observe. I feel a lot as if I am only on the outside, looking in.

Or on the inside of the outside, watching myself watch everyone else.

I don't know. And it doesn't matter.

The world is like wind, flapping away all the flower petal thoughts I think in a breeze.

Lately, at least. But some things stick.

Time is not one of those, despite the days length.

I'm rambling.

I'm done.

Went to the library yesterday, and got some books.

Travelled a lot, along the bus.

Gave my seat to an older lady, since I was sitting in the priority seating. I stood there for a little while, and I smiled at her. She smiled at me. She said thank you, and I said you're welcome. I went and sat over in another spot, because I noticed

that there were seats open a bit farther back.

So. I went to the library, and awkwardly registered.

Awkward, but still somehow confident.

Confident that I belonged there.

That I was meant to be there, and that that was my sort of world.

Books and words and ink and people.

Quiet, unaffected, and separate but still around.

I picked six.

I've gone through two already.

The titles I can recall, but not the authors.

I'll list the rest later, but now there is other things on my mind.

Things I thought about just before sleep...

love, honesty, time...

friends, lonliness ,dreams, things that aren't real.

In the hazy, half-dark...lying there in a bed that wasn't mine in a summer

that feels entirely new... I felt different.

Fragile, but unbreaking. Like glass. Clear and easy to read.

Sometimes cloudy, or knocked. But strong.

Dropped at times, but not yet shattered. Or maybe I have been.

I just feel different.

Reading This Is What I Want to Tell You

by Heather Duffy Stone...it just kind of fit.

Sitting out in jenns too-bright backyard, on a blanket in sunshine...

I didn't really feel like me. My skin was too dark, and my hair too red.

The face in the mirror was even different, somehow.

Prettier, knowing. Knowing?

I don't know what I know.

It seems like a world of things.

I feel like some quiet, mysterious kind of girl.

Someone else. Things are changing.

And there are so many things that I wish for.

Pathetic things.

Desperate, willful.

And I miss tany.

Especially in reading the book, these two friends end up being friends again.

And everything just kine of eases back into normalcy, and I...won't get that.

Someone else, maybe. At school, this fall.

Yes, school this fall.

I'm not going back to the other one, a new one.

A new chance, starting over. But...it will be hard.

I made this decision some months ago.

Voiced it again and set things in motion what would've been...5 days a go.

Maybe a week. It feels like more. It feels like an eternity.

I feel like the summer is already have over, but it's barely begun.

I don't know what else there is to have, to do.

I just know that waking up this morning and sitting in jenns quietly crowded living room felt like home.

It felt normal.

Reading a book and listening to their banter, contributing and eating yogurt.

It was just...good.

It filled uo that hollow space, and I wish it could just be this way.

I wish life could just be better.

And there are so many more things to say, and I just...am having trouble formulating the words now.

In this carefully, mysterious sort of state of mind... buzzing and trying to understand.

Full of wishes and silly thoughts...

I just can't.

Things are changing.

For the most part it's for the better.

But...there are other things.

Less to do with me, and that I worry of.

I can't even wrap my mind about it, and I don't even know.

What I do know, is that it will be okay if I suddenly shatter.

To let something get to me that way, it would be alright.

It would be human. It would be okay, and things would resolve somehow.

I think that could be one of the major differences.

That I can realize this now, know it and not worry about it and just...

just live. Do the things I want to do when I want to, because even if I end up wanting to regret it...

I won't. Because at some point, whatever it was was exactly what I wanted.

I can't really explain, how it works. Because I don't even really know, but...I do.

But it's hard. I don't really want to.

That's probably why I can't, because deep down I don't want to.

But some day, I'll reach and get it out.

For now, it doesn't matter.

WHAT WAS THAT?//playlist.

'Not Listening' - Sick Of Sarah.

'Enter One' - Sol Seppy.

'Rice Dream Girl' - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone.

'Born in the U.K.' - Badly Drawn Boy.

'What's Free Is Yours' - Pony Up!

'Sunday' - Sia.

'Is There A Ghost' - Band Of Horses.

'Creator' - Santigold.

'Sweet Temptation' - Lillix.

'Skin & Bones' - Marianas Trench.

'Catch My Fall' - Katy Rose.

'All To Myself' - Maraians Trench.

'Lines Bleed' - Pony Up!

'The Apocalypse Song' - St. Vincent.

'Postcards' - An Horse.

'This Is How We Kiss' - Throw Me The Statue.

'The Alamo Is No Place For Dancing' - The Scene Aesthetic.

'Kill The Director' - The Wombats.

'Breathe Me' - Sia.

'September' - Marianas Trench.

'Absolute Balance' - Johnny Foreigner.

'Eyes While Open' - La Rocca.

'Orange Crush' - Stefy.

'Camp Out' - An Horse.

'Blankets in the Grass' - Balance Problems.

Just got back from skateboarding with james.

It was awesome.

We were in the wal-mart parking lot, because there's this one part where it's always empty and no cars go and barely any people go.

So like, I was practicing some minor stuff like shuffling my feet over to the ends of the board, and lifting the nose. I can do that stuff alright, but not really.

And then James was like "here, try this trick." and goes on the skateboard, and the goes like he's going to nosegrind the curb, but basically just like..puts the on part on, and then you go off and keep going.

So, I got on and then he pulled me and I held on to his arms, and then I lifted the end...

and I almost got it a bunch of times, and I did do it like twice with his help.

And then there were these guys about his age that were roller blading, and they thought I was so cool. XDDDDD

Anyway. So he was talking to them, and I was trying to do the trick on my own.

And I almost had it. But then I fell on my ass.

James said it was a cool fall, though...because it looked like I was just going like how you would flop onto a couch. It didn't hurt, but whatever. It's the principle.

The really funny thing, though is that I almost fell off, and that hurt more than falling. XD

I was like, trying to swing the board by lifting the nose and then swining it around, but I went forward at a weird time and angle, and almost fell. And my one arm went oneway, and my body kind of went the other...and it was just like weird. But then I caught myself, but it sucked because my shoe was coming off and it was almost a nasty fall.

And there was another one, too. Because it was when we were just getting there, and I was trying to turn or practising lifting the nose or something...and then I went forward, and I almost would've fell and like...it would've been bad, but then I caught myself and didn't even get to the ground. Lucky, lucky.

I told james that if I know how to do the noesgrind/curb cap thing by next thursday, I'll buy us a pizza and some pop from panago to celebrate. So, hopefully I can do it because that'll be fun.

I worked out on the machine thing, too. So I am like beat.

But it was fun. I love feeling my muscles work, and the sweat and my heart race and my chest ache, etc. etc. It's just great. A true feeling of being alive, I'd say.

I'm sticky and gross with sweat. Just waiting for mom to get out of the bath, and then I will take a shower in a few minutes after that. Maybe I should take the dog for a walk before that because I only took him on one. But it'd have to be short, because I am like...ready for bed right now.

Or maybe I won't, because we went on a long one today...yeah.

I think I'll just get into my pajamas and then play some dragon warrior IV.

Hmm, yeah.

Sounds like a definite plan.

I spent the majority of today just waiting.

Now, I'll....I don't know.

Take the dog out, and then go take a bath.

Re-read one of my books or the magazine I bought today and try not to be as miserable as I could be. I'm actually reletively okay, right now. I'm just saying it could be worse, and the choice of words that ended up being used made me sound like some HXC emo kid.

Downloaded a lot of great artists/bands lately.

Sol Seppy, The Goodnight Anthem, La Rocca, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone (how fitting =/ ), Yo La Tengo, St. Vincent, Johnny Foreigner, Badly Drawn Boy. I like Sol Seppy, Badly Drawn Boy, La Rocca, and CFTPA best, so far.

A playlist to come, later...I'm sure.

For now, I'm going to go waste some time on the eliptical machine mom got in some random way.

it's sitting in our foyer, it might as well go to good use, eh?

That hollow, sad sort of feeling I've grown accustomed to is here.

Resting in my heart, in my mind. In my very core, and every thought.

Ebbing and flowing like waves, lapping at my skin and leaving me raw.

Fragile, defeated.

There is nothing to say that hasn't been said, and no point in saying them again.

So many things exactly the same, but this is worse.

I am uncomfortable and restless, and not even about to bother with writing much more.

I've been keeping an entirely private recollection of my days in wordpad, this is more like just going through the motions. I can't bring myself to stop, but going on is just as difficult.

Been hanging out with Jenn and stuff, good times.

Job interview to be a server at a banquet later.

Haven't exactly quit the other job, but this would be better.

(:

More interesting post later, I just woke up...can't really think of much.

Yesterday was a good day.

Skateboarded some, and I actually wasn't half bad.

At about 10 I went out to skateboard somemore,

and james came with me, and he was like "Wanna go down a big hill?"

It wasn't very big, but it still was.

Like, it wasn't huuuge, but it was enough that it was slightly dangerous.

So, we go off. Mostly walking, but I skateboarded some and then he did, and he showed me a lot of cool tricks and tips. I fell down because of this giant part of uneven sidewalk, but it was down into the grass so that was okay.

So we keep going to the hill, and then we go almost to the top.

I get on, and go...and james is just like yelling "Keep going! You're going to make it!"

While I go for a bit, and then the board starts swerving insanely due to speed and the fact that the wheels are loose. (I found out the latter after the fact.)

He did tell me before doing this how to steady myself out, though. And I managed to and make it all the way to the bottom. I had my hands up near my face, and all I was thinking was "shit, shit, shit, shit." because I really didn't think I was going to get all the way, and James said he didn't know either and was like worrying, but then I did and he was like "YEAAAH!"

and it was awesome.

So then we were walking back, and talking about snowboarding and he said about how he used to go with his class, and bring his walkman. And listen to like, deathmetal and stuff all like with a pounding beat, and he said it was so cool because he couldn't feel anything and you just go so fast... so I'm like "It would be especially cool with my heaphones, because..." and then I'm checking my pocket, looking for my ipod.

And it wasn't there. And I distinctly remember putting it in my pocket...

so James skateboards quickly up the hill to check.

But it wasn't there. So then we both get the idea that it might be where I fell, so we hurry and go there. James skateboarding and then I was running superfast to keep up, and then I skateboarded for a bit. And then we were walking down the street I fell on, and the part where I fell was dark. James just kept walking since he didn't see anything, but I saw a reflection of light on something shiny, and stopped and then looked closer...and there it was.

Lying right on the grass in plain view, still there after even like...10-15 minutes...maybe even longer. I was so lucky, to have made it down the hill and then to have found it. Riding back down our street, I just couldn't believe it.

Sweet Dreams from Kirsten Lepore on Vimeo.

Cutest little  video i have ever seen. (:

Good music, too.

Playlist// 'Every Wave Drags Me Closer To Sea'

I was going to not blog for more than three days, but now that I've started again I can't seem to quit.

---

'You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds' - Mayday Parade.

'Use Somebody' - Kings Of Leon.

'New Again' - Taking Back Sunday.

'Heart Attack' - Low VS Diamond.

'Life After Love' - Low VS Diamond.

'Not Listening' - Sick Of Sarah.

'Horizons' - An Horse.

'Teasing To Please' - Cute Is What We Aim For.

'Three Colours' - Sunset Rubdown.

'Atlantic Lungs' - Thieves and Villians.

'Lapdance' - N.E.R.D.

'This Is How We Kiss' - Throw Me The Statue.

'About To Walk' - Throw Me The Statue.

'Badboy' - Alice In Videoland.

'Six Feet Under The Stars' - All Time Low.

'Gimme Sympathy' - Metric.

'On A Slow Night' - Metric.

'Cheated Hearts' - Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

'No Past Land' - Russian Red. (FINALLY DOWNLOADED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I made it sound a bit worse than it is yesterday.

I mean, it's bad.

But Chris is doing better.

He didn't even have to stay in the hospital more than a few hours, so. 

Exhausted after a crappy sleep yesterday night, and then a busy day helping out and doing A LOT.

JJ and Tyler were at my house for most of yesterday, and then I came home and Nicholas came too. I got home and took the dog out right away to relax, and as soon as I got back I had to do so much. My mom said she was going to do most of the things, but she didn't.

I put nick to sleep, and JJ ended up in my bed with me. 

So, horrible sleep. And I went to bed late because of it, and mom got to go to bed early.

And then this morning nicholas was crying,and she didn't even get up I had to.

And now she's going to the store or some fucking thing, and I've only had like an hour break from kids for 2 fucking days. I'm so tired and so annoyed, I don't want to even do anything.

I managed to get Nick down for a nap, at least.

And JJ is still asleep, but neither of those will last v. long.

I was supposed to work today, too.

But  I decided yesterday that that wasn't going to happen, 

and I'm glad I did.

I didn't really want to write here, but.

It might be that I won't be online later, and 

this is a much needed update.

There was a huge emergency last night.

Everyone is mostly okay, but...IDK.

It's a long story.

Chris has a broken nose and some broken ribs.

His kidneys had some internal bleeding at one point.

Also a concussion, etc.

I can't say to much, but I really thought he was going to die.

Discontinued until further notice.

I don't feel like keeping this blog anymore.

Should the time come that I feel like it,

I shall update.

Until then...

nothing.

Just got back from work a bit ago, fucking exhausted.

No worries about the whole beer thing, we had 2 people that were only pouring because no one  else had their serving thing, or whatever. They weren't allowed.

There were a lot of drunk people, though, it was insane.

And so loud. Not too terribly busy, though.

My feet kill right now.

Gotta go to bed real soon because I have to be ready tomorrow for 10;30AM.

We start work at 11 because doors open at 12. 

Staying the night over at jenns tmrw, because the hills finale.

jenn got a dog, is some sort of pitbull crossed thing they got for free.

Is still pretty young, and seems vvvv nice.

I'm going to go now, b/c I am sore all over and I really just want to like, fall into my bed and not move for several hours.

Just off the key of reason.

Rescued the drawing as much as I could, wasn't as much drama as I figured.

I just covered up the mistake with a big ruffley thing, ha.

Still need to add a few more touches, but it's pretty much done.

Gotta shower soon at get ready for work, because Crystal called this morning and told me to be ready at around 3. Everything is in a semi-normal, fragile state between us all just now, but whatever. Not looking forward to my work clothes, or to the craziness that will be monster trucks.

Probably won't get out of work until sometime in the AM.

I won't be surprised if I fall asleep on the drive, honestly.

So um...yeah.

I dunno. 

Just going to relax for a bit before I have to go.

Just woke up.

It's been super hot for a long while.

Did I tell about my sunburn?

I don't remember.

But yes, I'm slightly burnt on my arms, chest and face.

My legs are super pale.

Me and jenn were outside, and I was swimming in the pool they got for the kids a little bit with jj and tye and whatever, and then I went and sat with jenn because she was tanning, and my legs were seriously so pale they were like, glowing.

It looked ridiculous against the more normal coloured rest of me, because my arms have been gathering a bit of colour and whatever else is above the waist that is usually displayed in tanktops or tshirts, etc.  

Gotta re-draw what I drew yesterday, since I am pretty sure the paint ruined it.

But whatever, It'll turn out better there were somethings I wanted to fix. Like the hands, and feet.

 I'm getting a handle on hands, but feet...eh. I'm having trouble finding a good angle to draw a heel of some sort, they always end up in flats.

I am working tomorrow, and there was just this big crap because   Kristie, and everyone.

And I did a lot of talking on the phone to crystal, and then to jenn, and then to crystal, and then to jenn. 

Working tomorrow 4-whenever. 

Not very tired, but I should go to bed soon anyway.

Bought some paint and a new sketch book at wal-mart earlier, forgot to mention.

Since I got this really awesome fashion illustration/design book at the bookstore, not sure if I even have mentioned that. But whatev. So yeah.

Drew this great thing and was going to paint it, but it got kind of fucked up because I was on the phone and then I had to deal with this all and blah blah blah.

I wanted watercolours, but they didn't have it so I have something else and that's probably why, as well. I don't know.

I don't really care, I'll find a use for it I'm sure.

There isn't much else to say.

I don't really feel like bothering to go on.

Crystal isn't working tomorrow because she doesn't have her food safe, so she can't.

Now she is fucking over me and jenn, at pretty much the last moment because it's too late now to even think about getting a ride.

And Kristie is all pissed off, for like no reason. It doesn't even have anything to do with her!

And me & jenn both paid crystal money, so this is just fucked. She'll pay us back, but still.

I'm pissed, and I hate that I'm losing my job because of someone else.

I really liked this one, besides the crappy uniforms.

I don't want to have to stop now.

I don't care anymore.

Well, about some things I do.

But mostly?

I'm done.

I don't feel like going much into detail about it.

But really?

I'm not depressed right now.

This is me.

This is me being sick and tired.

At all the wrong people, too.

Current//10//

'Everything Is Alright' - Motion City Soundtrack.

'Bixby Canyon Bridge' - Death Cab For Cutie.

'Horizons' - An Horse.

'I Don't Mind (jump on it)' - Lykke Li.

'Winter Sun' - Balance Problems.

'Past In Present' - Feist.

'New Again' - Taking Back Sunday.

'Creator' - Santigold.

'The Cold, the Dark, and the Silence' - Sea Wolf.

'I Think About You Everyday' - A Rocket To The Moon.

On iTunes, it's titled as 'wanna hear your name'

I didn't make it 'I wanna...' because I already have a billion playlists on there

with 'i' at the beginning. Makes it hard to sort them out. (:

Went to the mall.

Got two billabong tshirts, a pair of jeans.

A cute pair of AE flats. A pair of peace sign earrings.

A book on fashion illustration, which I ended up getting 10% off on because

I was struggling on wether or not I wanted to buy it, since it cost like 30$.

Manager was working the till, and we talked a little bit. She asked if I was student, and I said yes.

She said "for this?" motioning to the book, but I shook my head and said "No. I want to, but...I can't. Yet. I love to design, and I think if I don't get this I'll regret it."

part of the cover was a little bit warped, but I hadn't noticed. She did and said she would give me the discount. I said thank you a whole bunch of times, and she said it was okay because it was in her authority. And it was also okay, because someone could've complained about it...

but I think she was just taking it easy on me, because after the second time I said thanks while I was leaving, she said "It's okay. We all know what it's like to be a struggling student." 

I think she assumed I was in college or something, and that kind of made me want to giggle.

I had a big smile on my face for a while after that though.

Today has been a good day. I've seen a lot of good things and I got a lot of amazing deals.

Not just good as in what is for sale, but good in people.

There were these little kids on the bus.

One maybe about 2, and then another about 3/4, sitting with their mom.

This other little girl got on, and she had some peppermint candies. She reached across the aisle and gave them each one, just a little random act of sharing that I thought was so cute.

Jenn phoned while I was gone, something about having to go into work to get pay?

She isn't answering now, though and they probably already went to get theirs without me.

And knowing that things'll probably close at five, I will have to wait until tomorrow.

I don't mind, though. 

I went to get the charger for my battery, but they were sold out.

I have to wait until next week, so. Hopefully I can get that soon.

Was reading dollface's blog, she's having a bad day.

I wish we could talk now, but something about the wifi being lame, so.
I'll just have to hope it'll stop being stupid and we'll get a chance.

Just woke up.

It's very stormy out, and I'm still pretty tired.

Anyway.

Umm. Might get to do that shopping that

I didn't get to do the other day, and that'll be fun  I guess.

Right now, probably just going to listen to some music and

play some dragon warrior IV.

I'm so close to beating chapter four, I can't wait.

I've been trying to beat this game for like, ever.
But I kept getting stuck in chapter 2.

But now, no. And that's great.

I like the way I look when I just wake up.

Is cute.

No pics, though because I don't feel like wrestling with the webcam.(:

We're having speghetti for dinner.

Today sucks.

Finally got my camp potlatch stuff in the mail, so that I can register.

I'm excited, it will be fun.

Seeing the little informational thing made getting woken up out of a deep sleep worth it, ha.

I miss being able to post LB photos, very much.

But oh well, soon enough I shall be back to my

practically paprazzi type ways. (:

Just gotta get dressed soon, an then...IDK.

Walk the dog, I guess.

Probably going to jenns later to watch The Hills,

and have a good dinner. Like old times, haha.

Only it hasn't really been that long.

Work this weekend.

NTS: WASH YOUR PANTS.

AND GET THE FUZZY STUFF OFF YOUR HAT.

Just got in from playing outside with Jaylin.

She is over for a bit, and we were outside blowing bubbles and then we

played with the hose.

I got soaked, and she got a bit wet.

For awhile I just lay in the grass, and the sun was shining on down there was a slight breeze.

The ground was warm, and it just felt good to just stay there for awhile.

And then when we were done, we sat on the porch and dried off and mom brought us out some ice cream. Then we got changed.

I went back outside for a bit, though and just sat in a chair on the porch,

my hair all lemon-ey. 

I've been wearing shorts like all day.

I kind of miss being in a sweater and jeans, though.

Bit of a headache. Might change soon, IDK.

Wondering where Amy is.

Happy that dinner is going to be so good.

It'll be the meatloaf and mashed potatoes we were supposed to have the other day, but it ended up being too warm for a long while so we just kind of forgot about it.

LOLing, because i hung my wet bra up in the bathroom and my dad hates that.

He hasn't said anything though, so. A bit dissapointing.

Have 2 dollars left over from the other day.

Thinking about walking up to the store and gettin ga slurpee, since I haven't had

one of those in a long time.Might just wait to do it tomorrow, though.

Everyone is out since it is a weekend, and tomorrow there will be no one if I go at the right time.

Hmm.

http://www.latfh.com/

For when a good dose of LOLZ is in order.

I don't remember if I already mentioned this, but I wanted to anyway.

I sent away for some random stickers today, I love stickers.

And they're free. (:

You know how I feel about free stuff.

My hair looks cute today:

And the headphone bracelet I made yesterday and forgot to post:

Ha, my hand looks really giant there.

Just thinking about what to wear, probably walking the dog after I shower, which will be after what I first mentioned.

Ummmm...

really need to start a new blog today to put crap in about random shit so I can have

something as my 'blog' for LB, ha.

Silly reason, but I have nothing else to do until dollface is online. (:

Sounds Of Summer.

'About To Walk' - Throw Me The Statue.

'Bixby Canyon Bridge' - Death Cab For Cutie.

'Blankets In The Grass' - Balance Problems.

'Brightest Hour' - The Submarines.

'British Columbia' - The Elected.

'Camp Out' - An Horse.

'The Canals Of Our City.' - Beirut.

'Catastrophe' - Forever The Sickets Kids.

'Catch My Fall' - Katy Rose.

'Crash Into Me' - Dave Mathews Band.

'Creator' - Santigold.

'Dinner Bells' - Wolf Parade.

'Do It Again!' - You, Me, And Everyone We Know.

'Drinking, Thinking, Sinking, Feeling' - Slow Club.

'From The Second I Wake Up' - Valencia.

'Gold Fever' - The Wind Whistles.

'Graves' - Tokyo Police Club.

'Hands Down' - Dashboard Confessional.

'Holland, 1945' - Neutral Milk Hotel.

'I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me + You) - Fall Out Boy.

'I Don't Mind (Jump On It)' - Lykke Li.

'I Feel It All' - Feist.

'I Just Do' - Dear and the Headlights.

'I Miss You' - Blink 182.

'In A Cave' - Tokyo Police Club.

'It's Amateur Night At The Appollo Creed!' - Cobra Starship.

'The Jimmy Choo's' - Chester French.

'Just Stay' - Kevin Devine.

'Kill The Director' - The Wombats.

'Let's Get Out Of This Country' - Camera Obscura.

'Make Believe'  - Thornley.

'Me And You' - Slow Club.

'Mi Corazon' - Entertainment For The Braindead.

'Polite Dance Song' - The Bird and The Bee.

'Postcards' - An Horse.

'Rain' - Bishop Allen.

'Read My Mind' - The Killers.

'Run In The Front' - Dear and the Headlights.

'She Loves Everybody' - Chester French.

'Sillhouettes' - Swimming With Dolphins.

'Smile Heavy' - Black Moth Super Rainbow.

'Something About Owls' - Balance Problems.

'Sugar, We're Goin Down' - Fall Out Boy.

'Sunday' - Sia.

'Sweet Thing' - Alice In Videoland.

'Three Colours' - Sunset Rubdown.

'a Trace' - Entertainment For The Braindead.

'Uh Huh' - Forever The Sickest Kids.

'Used To Be' - Beach House.

'Waste Myself' - This Providence.

'Winter Sun' - Balance Problems.

'The World Has It's Shine [But I Would Drop It On A Dime]' - Cobra Starship.

'Your Life And Mine' - Just Surrender.

----

I know the one 'Winter Sun' isn't exactly summery sounding, but..it reminds me of summer in a lot of ways. (:

I ended up wearing the dress anyway.

The sun is out, and I took the dog out after my shower and 

let my hair dry in the warmth.

It's soft and smells like conditioner more than it usually does.

And my skin smells like the coconut butter lotion, like they both just kind of 

got baked in and are here to stay.

This is summer, and I love it.

I sprayed the lemon-ey 'natural streak' sun-in stuff into my hair,

because the blonde bits that get coaxed out by the sun are always my favourite.

Usually I let them happen naturally, but I've missed them too long and will hurry up the process now.

My dad went to the store, and got me some peaches.

I've been craving them.

And even though they aren't as juicy and large as they get later on,

they were still yummy and I could've gladly aten all three right away,

but that would be selfish.

I will probably eat the pear mom got for me the other day, though.

I've been neglecting the oranges.

They're the large ones with tough peels, and they're also too much work for me to want to eat the whole thing. I think I'll use one and make a yummy icey drink like the one I made out of the mango puree stuff. Then sit on our rotting porch in the sun and listen to summery songs.

I'll compile a list of the songs I've been adoring lately and post that next, promise. (:

Not sure what to wear today.

Still not really sure, ha.

Kind of saving my dress, because I know if I wear it randomly

I'll later have a reason to, and then be like "WHY DID I WEAR IT, DAMN IT. WHYYY!?"

Ha, so yeah.

It's going to be warm.

I don't have many clothing for the warm days, I'm realizing.

I mean, there's skirts.

But I only have one I really love, and that used to be a dress. =/

I have shorts...but my shirts fit awkwardly with them.

Gotta take a shower, I never did yesterday.

GASP, you say?

I only cheated and washed my hair.

Sneaky, I know.

No idea what's down for today.

I went into the kitchen, and saw dumplings cooking away in the steamer.

Yumyumyum.

I'll probably just sprawl myself out in the grass for a while, try and get some sun on myself.

Seriously, I'm so pale I practically glow in the sunlight.

The sun reflects off all the whiteness, or something.

Like, there's this invisible forcefeild that stops all rays, but not the sunburn.

Joking, of course.

If you can't laugh at your self...who /can/ you laugh at?

Losets, sure. But that's about it, and though it would be fun,

it wouldn't be fun as laughing at the losers too.

Went to the mall again, today.

Because mom came into a bit of money, and she hooked me up.

Got the cutest dress at Off The Wall.

It doesn't look as cute as it actually is, because you can't see because the webcam sucks.

But, it is great.

And it fits really well, and IRL you can tell a bit better.

I will take better pics when I get the camera charger, ha.

Also got book 5 in the morganville vampire series, because I finished 'Privilege'  Kate Brian this morning and that was somethin I was going to buy yesterday but decided against.

So yeah. I hit the bookstore first, and then went up to OTW.

And thenn...after that, I called my mom at the payphone because she told me to check in with her. And then...I wandered around, wondering what to spend the last 6 or so dollars I had on.

I ended up over by purdys chocolates, and got some icecream because I hadn't had their icecream in so long, and it's so good.

Got a cup with one scoop of coconut, with white chocolate as my topping.

Yum.

So...yeah. Ate icecream, and walked out towards the bus.

Stopped and sat in the sun for a bit once I was outside, enjoyed my icecream and people watched. It was warm!

I loved it.

I wore jeans, with this striped white& grey billabong dress I lent to jenn a longtime a go and didn't get back until a few days ago,..as a tanktop. Because it has this one part that's like..the waist-band kind of, and it's tighter. So I  tucked up the bottom of it and it was just like a shirt.

A little more low-cut and tighter than I'm used to, but I looked good.

And I wore it with my blue and white cardigan, unbottoned with the sleeves rolled up because it was so warm. It looked really cute and effortlessly put together.

I'd show pics, but I'm changed out of that now.

I will take some when I get the camera charger.

Ha.

Seems like there is a long line of things waiting to be photographed.

I just finished reading one of the books I bought.

It was a good choice, certainly.

A Map Of The Known World, by Lisa Ann Sandell.

It was one of the most...real books I've ever read.

Cora (the main character) has her ups and downs.

One day is good, the next is crushing.

Of course, that resonated with me.

She has a lot of courage. Can tell how she feels so much better

than I ever seem to be able.

Especially at the one part, when this one thing happens and

she says "I'm hurting so much right now, I don't know how to breathe."

There is a lot of truth. The beginning starts out lush, and full of details.

And they linger on throughout the book, but by the end you're consumed

and you just want to know, how it ends. The end isn't very good, compared to how

you get there. And the author's writing style can be kind of confusing, just how

she goes from one thing and then to the next, trying to fit it all in.

But it works, and I like it a lot.

It wasn't perfect, and that's endearing.

I cried. And wanted to cry, through a lot of other parts.

There is only two other books that really made me cry.

'Just Listen'  - Sarah Dessen made me cry.

And this other book, book 5 in the young wizards series, or something.

I don't really remember. I got it from the library, and the girls mom was going to 

die from cancer. I'd read all the other ones, but this one was one I really connected with because

how my mom has so many things wrong with her, and how there's been times

that I've been scared.

I read and read and read and read, and now it's 12:31AM.

I remember finishing, and being surprised when I looked at the clock.

Reading this book makes me want to right.

And to draw something, anything.

It's so late, though.

I don't know if I can sleep.

I can't even listen to music properly and drift away, because one earphone just doesn't seem to cut it. The balance is off, and it just doesn't sound right.

There is an old pair burried at the bottom of one of my desk drawers, with all the forgotten schoolwork from years before. I will see if those work. 

Right now, downloading music.

Basking in the after-reading glow.

Despite this, though...there are still things that are worrying me.

Different things than I am used to, because I am not used to this

fragile kind of state when it comes to friendship.

I'm wearing  this bracelet I made a few days ago.

Five silver-ish buttons I found in my bag of buttons on a simple string of navy stuff that's for crocheting. There's a six I had to tie on so I could clasp it.

5 years, pretty much the time that me and tany were friends.
I thought this was fitting, because  on the other side buttons there was 

'nada nuff' imprinted in, all around the edge of the one side.

Not enough. 

It wasn't enough, at all. There should've been at least that sixth year, at least to have earned

the last button on the end like something forgotten.

They say everything happens for a reason, though.

And I am sure that even if it is not clear,

there is something. Some result, that shouldn't too terrible.

It will still take me a while to get there.

I kind of fell down, and just stayed down.

Lying on a hard ground, unsure of where to go.

There is only one way, though. Back up, to try again.

This is my life, right now. It hasn't paused and it isn't going to wait.

I don't know what to do, still. And my limbs still feel weak, and I am still full of hurt.

But I can be strong, and push through everything else.

And when I do, I will be better for it.

There is nothing else to say besides that.

I do feel lonely though. All day today, especially sitting on the bus by myself.

It was hard not to think of other days, when it was warmer and the synthetic feel of the seats stuck to any part of me that was bare. Days when there was constant chatter, and laughter. I used to laugh so much. So, so, so much. So hard that I got used to the aching in my sides and belly, and the lightheadedness of not being able to breathe temporarily because I was too busy giggling. I feel like there is a constant tightness in my face, and a frown. Sometimes smiling feels like a show put on for someone else, and I feel like someone else. 

It shouldn't be that way,  that's why I try so hard.

I am rambling. And thinking, too much.

It is late. And I should try to sleep now before tomorrow is lost to me.

Today, actually. Today.

I doubt that this hope will stay all day, but I can hope that it will while

the feeling is still with me.

 It is 1:00AM exactly.

Goodnight, before I continue on any more.

Just got back a while a go.

Was fun.

Got two books, and got to get out of the house.

Just waiting for some dinner now, and...yeah.

Headphones broke just as I was leaving the mall, and just after I had finished spending the last bit of my money.

SUCKSS.

Kind of like they're saying "I told you so."

But...whatever.

They still kind of work.

Only in one ear, but whatever...

it'll do for now.

Mom and Dad got some more groceries today, at T&T Supermarket.

We got some pork dumplings, and some asian-style  bbq pork, and bbq duck.

We used to live right across the street from T&T, so we used to always get this kind of stuff.

And egg rolls.

Yummy.

Still waiting to get a hold of crystal.

Feeling very bored, and something else I can't quite place.

Today has been a good day.

First, i made a cute face out of the orange I was eating...

And then the mail came!

I got my ChickAdvisor Review Club chocolate!

It's nestle noir mousse delicate.

I get milk and dark chocolate, like the entire box thing of each which isl ike 20 chocolates.

For free, which is the best part.

I just have to review it.

Tried them, and damn they are good.

Not just saying that, I honestly liked it and would consider

buying it again.

OH. 11:11.

And, I even managed to make a wish on time.

Just a second ago.

I'm thinking today will be good.

I'm glad. (:

Usual turn of events has happened.

My mother has decided that no,

she did not tell me she would give me money today,

she meant later on in the month. 

When I know damn well, she's a liar.

I will not be going to the mall to shop until I can shop no more, afterall.

Instead, if I get my paycheck ( even that could not turn up today.)

I will have to save a lot of it for blink-182 tix.

I will have to buy a new pair of headphones, because my current pair has decided to die on

me in one of my most wanting moments.

I will have to buy a camera charger.

And that doesn't leave me with much at all.
Maybe if I'm lucky I can manage to get myself a book or something, at least.

Just woke up.

Listening to some music, gotta get dressed and that.

Didn't have a very good sleep, and it took me forever to even fall asleep, sucked.

Not sure what I'm going to wearr today.

Something comfy, haha.

And not too complicated, because trying stuff on never works when you're wearing a lot of things.

Looks like it's pretty miserable out.

Damn.

Well, I dunno.

I've got things to do, so. I guess I better...get them done.

EDIT: just read some stuff online. As far as I know, FOB isn't playing the blink concert on my date. Hopefully I atleast get PATD. )':

I just reread everything I just typed.

I feel like a loser, and I kind of want to just delete it all.

That always feels like a lie, though.

I've got a headache.

Shopping tomorrow, hopefully it isn't raining.

I really need to grab a new pair of shoes, I'll have to be on the lookout.

We start work again in a few dayss, that'll be good.

I've been missing it. However tiring it is, it's still pretty fun. I will admit.

Stressfull and exhausting, but fun.

And it just fills up my mind, and there isn't any time for anything else until later.

It will be great to be taking pictures again.

Hopefully, all goes well with that.

Going to make sure to hit the bookstore, too.

Main thing is clothes though.

It seems like I have a lot, but I really don't.

Even if I had a lot, I'd still get more clothes.

Can't ever have too many.

What else am I going to save for, anyway?

School?

Ha.

Yeah right.

As if I can even manage to finish what I've already started.

I mean, it's not that I can't. But now with all of this, I don't even have my guitar to work on that.

My tutor quit, because she was confused by that fuck-up when I was unregistered from math for a bit there, and mom hasn't gotten a hold of her yet, despite the growing dead-line.

Or maybe she just figured it would be quite hopeless when she found out the time that I would have to be done on. Plus, I haven't gotten my books and that for the new courses.

It's just such a mess.

If schooling is fucked, my life is basically fucked.

Sure, I'll have a lot of job experience to maybe get a not-so-bad job.

But do I really want to be something stupid like a cashier for the rest

of my life? Of course not. 

There's still what happened the other day, freaking me out.

With me, I mean.

What happened with me the other day.

I don't even have anything to say about that,

it's pretty bad.

I really need to have a talk with Dollface tomorrow.

All the details aren't on the table, and maybe she'll be able to

at least understand.

If not, well.

It wouldn't be the first time  a very good friend is no longer my friend.

The first time it was over something much stupider, so

I'm sure it's possible.

What would I do?

Well. I know what would happen.

I don't know how much I even care if I have to go through something like that again.

If I'm going to hurt, it might as well be a lot.

Go big or go home, right?

It'd probably be something I deserve anyway, for one reason

or another.

I dunno. I just can't stop thinking.

I try to turn to something else, but my brain

only has a couple things on it's playlist, I guess.

And, they're all set on repeat.

Today will still be a good day, I'm not going to be bothered by silly things.

Or so I'm telling myself, but I've got contradicting thoughts running around in my mind.

It's Brandon's birthday.

We were supposed to go, but Chris is still sleeping.

Me and Jenn went to the store with Tye and JJ, got  a present for Brandon,

food, and then dropped them off for the party.

Probably going home later.

Me & Jenn are making a good dinner.

We picked up one of those yummy already cooked chickens, 

and got some potato and pasta salad, and then a baguette.

I made my yummy mushroom and  cheesey pasta, minus the spinich.

It was good.

Lol,  I started writing this a long time ago, but now it is like 9;30 and past

the time we ate and I'm home.

Pretty upset now about fighting with dollface.

She says I started it, and thinking about it..that's not really true.

She was going on and on, and I just started to get defencive.

It's not like I just JUMPED in about it to her, it was more escalated.

Besides, she was being mean about what she was saying, she was saying it

in a mean-ish way, I would say. I don't know.

I don't really want to go on about it, she is the only one that reads my blog anyway.

Change of plans: bbq @ crystals house w/ Jenn, Kristie and everyone else.

Lotsss of people, lotssss of fun.

Edit:

I hand squeezed a bunch of limes and one lemon so that I could have a yummy ice drink, 

but while I was blending the ice with the hand held blender-thing, it sprayed everywhere.

So I let go of the blender thing and left it in the cup, so scoop out the wet sugar out of the sugar cup.

The blender made the cup topple over, and there was a big pulpy mess everywhere,and I was like "LOL."

Some juice was left in the very bottom of the cup, so I got one sip. Was good.

So then after that, I pulled out this can of purreed mangos we've had for a while,

and me and mom blended ice (in a bigger container, and more carefully,LOL) and then

I added lime after and we put in sugar and there was lots of ice, and it was yummyyyy.

Actually, feeling better.

Walked the dog.

It's sunny and warm, feels like summer.

Smells like summer.

Must be summer.

Going after dinner to dads boat.

To sun, and sit around and do...something?

I don't know. Fun things, hopefully.

Maybe I'll even get some swimming in, or boating or something of that sort.

You never know, really.

We'll probably be there until about tuesday.

As far as I know, there will be no internet.

I'll bring my laptop just incase, and for ipod charging purposes.

Sucks not going to be having the camera, but I'll make do.

I just came in from blowing bubbles.

They didn't last long, like the other day.

But they were pretty nonetheless.

I was in a semi-good mood.

But Jenn was over here doing something for mom, or whatever.

And then they ended up fighting and blah blah blah.

And after mom was talking to my dad about it,

and then she came to tell me about it and I'm just like "No, I don't want to hear it."

but she keeps going on. And on. And on, and on. And I just...I don't.

Might as well just write off this day along with the two before it, I don't

see it picking up anytime soon.

Just woke upp....

sitting around, probably not going to be online much today.

Mom was thinking about us going to dads boat today, to hang out.

Not sure if that is going to happen.

If we do, it will suck because I don't have my camera.

And there are always these swans that hang out at the moorage.

I had weird dreams that I don't really remember,

but I get the impression they didn't make much sense.

Been thinking deep thoughts.

Trying to sort myself out.

Found this cool site, called loudcrowd.

When you click onto the 'about' page,

it first says: Loudcrowd: where music meets play, gaming meets people,  people play with people, and encounter squirrels, cupcakes and toast that like music.  

All in all, just sounds like one big giant good time, right?

I've been playing for like an hour, and it is what it sounds like.

Good music, too. I'm about to download some more Santigold.

Also, something called Bumblebeez, and this other things called Van She.

Then, bed.

Wake up: tell-all time/confession. (I DIDN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D GET EXTREMELY WORRIED ABOUT ME AND I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE THAT THAT IS NECESSARY.)

Hopefully I keep this clear-headedness.

I feel like myself right now, earlier all day, I didn't.

I don't really know, but I was literally just all over the place

emotionally and just really...not okay.

I don't know how things will go tomorrow/later today,

but hopefully it won't be like yesterday.

Hopefully, nothing is ever like how I felt yesterday.

I was thinking about not even coming online at all, because I knew this would happen because it always does.

Amy feels bad for whatever reason, and I don't want her to.

That isn't fair.

Besides that, but still related to this subject.

Today has been worse, if anything.

I'm thinking things I haven't thought in a long time,

and shouldn't think about. I don't know what to do.

A part of me is trying to say that this will pass and I will be fine.

But theres this hollow sort of aching like a 'just before crying' feeling in my body,

and I can't seem to shake it. And it's telling me, no.

There isn't anything that I want to do.

Maybe go to the beach. It's always such a calming place,

with the sand and the ocean smell and the endless waves stretching on

and on and on... and the wood of the dock that's all worn and probably has more salt on it than a salt factory. Usually windy, and your hair blows all over and it's a feeling like being completely free but your feet are still on the ground. But the beach is far away, and even if  I had a way to go I don't think I would today. It's already too late, like so many other things.

I feel bad about not being around  earlier when dollface had wanted me to be.

It's awful what may happen, and I want to be the comforting person I always try

to be for her even if I can manage nothing else.

I'm feeling much better now.

Played DW4, and beat chapter 3 finally.

Started working on chapter 4, but I'm going to go to bed now.

My headache is worse and I am tiredd, so.

Yeah.

Sleepytime.

Currently been listening to:

the killers,

chester french,

balance problems,

entertainment for the braindead,

radical face,

faded paper figures.

Feeling a little bit sad.

It started earlier, but didn't really hit until now.

It was when I was talking to dollface, about how today

I was just lazy all day.

Because I spent most of it trying to beat  Dragon Warrior IV, since I got to chapter 

3 last night and I wanted to finish it.

And because I was wearing sweats, and hadn't taken a shower.

She said it was okay to be lazy and just chill some times, that worrying about looks can be stressful.

I said, it just felt weird because I hadn't done this sort of thing for a long time.

And I was thinking about it later, and I was like 'I haven't done this in a long time because Tany isn't here.' Mostly because I've been keeping busy so I think of her less, but also because that was what we would do. Sleepovers with snacks. Browsing things online and chatting and gossiping and cracking jokes. Listening to music, sometimes I would read a book. Sometimes we would play audition. Sometimes, watch a movie. She practically lived at my house, and for so long I barely had to notice the things that everyone else was doing, because we were having fun. 

I haven't been sad like this about her in a long time.

Things were just starting to get back into place, and...

I think that's why. Because I know I'm starting to move on from this.

But I don't want to.

I wish things could be how they used to be, but I know

that even if we started talking again, they never could be.

Maybe they could've been, if she made an effort to return my phone calls.

I shouldn't want her to go against what her family wants, but I can't help it.

I hate that she hasn't tried, and now there's no chance because our number has changed

as it often does.

And it's just so hard.

We spent nearly every single day together, and then one day...

one day she was just gone from my life. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I hate this house.

I can't cry loud like I want to.

This silent sort of teary way isn't satisfying at all.

I need the sort of crying that shakes your entire self and 

is so loud you wonder how you could ever make those sort

of sounds come out. 

I'm not going to get that, though.

I wasn't feeling like this for the majority of today, though.

Today was a good day.

I downloaded some more good music, played some fun videogames.

Jenn was supposed to pick me up, but that didn't end up happening so I 

don't think it will be tonight. That's another sore subject, but I'm not going to get into that just now because I don't feel like being like this. I am so sick of being this way, I can't even stand myself. 

So, I don't want to feel this way. I am not going to feel this way.

Instead, I am going to focus on the peaceful feeling I had yesterday while playing outside with the kids. We made a fort out of sheets, we tied them to this tree.

And this one pink silky scarf/sari-thing. I remember the pink fabric blowing with the breeze, the sun shining through it. The sound the grass and leaves made as the wind moved them, and the colour the sky was - chalky blue with bits of sunset orange. And I blew bubbles later, and they were the biggest I've ever done. They floated so high in the sky, and I remember I was listening to 'mi corazon' by Entertainment for the Braindead, and the feel of the music seemed to fit the colours in the yard and how I was feeling. I didn't really hear the lyrics, it was more just the sound of the vocals and the sound of things. That was a good afternoon, I had fun running around and doing cartwheels to impress Jaylin. 

Me and Jenn are thinking about going to playland when we get our pay, because for a long time she couldn't go on the rides due to pregnancy.

This time, we are going on everything and it will be fun. 

I have a good idea on how to bleach a shirt, and I can't wait to try it out.

I just need to find a shirt that would be suitable, and then...away I will go.

I have a headache, so I will end this blogpost soon.

I'm feeling a bit better.

Not really happy, not really sad.

Kind of numb, and not really here. 

I'll probably go to bed early.

Tomorrow will be another day.

A brighter day.

I'm sure of it.