Feeling a little bit sad.

It started earlier, but didn't really hit until now.

It was when I was talking to dollface, about how today

I was just lazy all day.

Because I spent most of it trying to beat  Dragon Warrior IV, since I got to chapter 

3 last night and I wanted to finish it.

And because I was wearing sweats, and hadn't taken a shower.

She said it was okay to be lazy and just chill some times, that worrying about looks can be stressful.

I said, it just felt weird because I hadn't done this sort of thing for a long time.

And I was thinking about it later, and I was like 'I haven't done this in a long time because Tany isn't here.' Mostly because I've been keeping busy so I think of her less, but also because that was what we would do. Sleepovers with snacks. Browsing things online and chatting and gossiping and cracking jokes. Listening to music, sometimes I would read a book. Sometimes we would play audition. Sometimes, watch a movie. She practically lived at my house, and for so long I barely had to notice the things that everyone else was doing, because we were having fun. 

I haven't been sad like this about her in a long time.

Things were just starting to get back into place, and...

I think that's why. Because I know I'm starting to move on from this.

But I don't want to.

I wish things could be how they used to be, but I know

that even if we started talking again, they never could be.

Maybe they could've been, if she made an effort to return my phone calls.

I shouldn't want her to go against what her family wants, but I can't help it.

I hate that she hasn't tried, and now there's no chance because our number has changed

as it often does.

And it's just so hard.

We spent nearly every single day together, and then one day...

one day she was just gone from my life. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I hate this house.

I can't cry loud like I want to.

This silent sort of teary way isn't satisfying at all.

I need the sort of crying that shakes your entire self and 

is so loud you wonder how you could ever make those sort

of sounds come out. 

I'm not going to get that, though.

I wasn't feeling like this for the majority of today, though.

Today was a good day.

I downloaded some more good music, played some fun videogames.

Jenn was supposed to pick me up, but that didn't end up happening so I 

don't think it will be tonight. That's another sore subject, but I'm not going to get into that just now because I don't feel like being like this. I am so sick of being this way, I can't even stand myself. 

So, I don't want to feel this way. I am not going to feel this way.

Instead, I am going to focus on the peaceful feeling I had yesterday while playing outside with the kids. We made a fort out of sheets, we tied them to this tree.

And this one pink silky scarf/sari-thing. I remember the pink fabric blowing with the breeze, the sun shining through it. The sound the grass and leaves made as the wind moved them, and the colour the sky was - chalky blue with bits of sunset orange. And I blew bubbles later, and they were the biggest I've ever done. They floated so high in the sky, and I remember I was listening to 'mi corazon' by Entertainment for the Braindead, and the feel of the music seemed to fit the colours in the yard and how I was feeling. I didn't really hear the lyrics, it was more just the sound of the vocals and the sound of things. That was a good afternoon, I had fun running around and doing cartwheels to impress Jaylin. 

Me and Jenn are thinking about going to playland when we get our pay, because for a long time she couldn't go on the rides due to pregnancy.

This time, we are going on everything and it will be fun. 

I have a good idea on how to bleach a shirt, and I can't wait to try it out.

I just need to find a shirt that would be suitable, and then...away I will go.

I have a headache, so I will end this blogpost soon.

I'm feeling a bit better.

Not really happy, not really sad.

Kind of numb, and not really here. 

I'll probably go to bed early.

Tomorrow will be another day.

A brighter day.

I'm sure of it.