I just finished reading one of the books I bought.

It was a good choice, certainly.

A Map Of The Known World, by Lisa Ann Sandell.

It was one of the most...real books I've ever read.

Cora (the main character) has her ups and downs.

One day is good, the next is crushing.

Of course, that resonated with me.

She has a lot of courage. Can tell how she feels so much better

than I ever seem to be able.

Especially at the one part, when this one thing happens and

she says "I'm hurting so much right now, I don't know how to breathe."

There is a lot of truth. The beginning starts out lush, and full of details.

And they linger on throughout the book, but by the end you're consumed

and you just want to know, how it ends. The end isn't very good, compared to how

you get there. And the author's writing style can be kind of confusing, just how

she goes from one thing and then to the next, trying to fit it all in.

But it works, and I like it a lot.

It wasn't perfect, and that's endearing.

I cried. And wanted to cry, through a lot of other parts.

There is only two other books that really made me cry.

'Just Listen'  - Sarah Dessen made me cry.

And this other book, book 5 in the young wizards series, or something.

I don't really remember. I got it from the library, and the girls mom was going to 

die from cancer. I'd read all the other ones, but this one was one I really connected with because

how my mom has so many things wrong with her, and how there's been times

that I've been scared.

I read and read and read and read, and now it's 12:31AM.

I remember finishing, and being surprised when I looked at the clock.

Reading this book makes me want to right.

And to draw something, anything.

It's so late, though.

I don't know if I can sleep.

I can't even listen to music properly and drift away, because one earphone just doesn't seem to cut it. The balance is off, and it just doesn't sound right.

There is an old pair burried at the bottom of one of my desk drawers, with all the forgotten schoolwork from years before. I will see if those work. 

Right now, downloading music.

Basking in the after-reading glow.

Despite this, though...there are still things that are worrying me.

Different things than I am used to, because I am not used to this

fragile kind of state when it comes to friendship.

I'm wearing  this bracelet I made a few days ago.

Five silver-ish buttons I found in my bag of buttons on a simple string of navy stuff that's for crocheting. There's a six I had to tie on so I could clasp it.

5 years, pretty much the time that me and tany were friends.
I thought this was fitting, because  on the other side buttons there was 

'nada nuff' imprinted in, all around the edge of the one side.

Not enough. 

It wasn't enough, at all. There should've been at least that sixth year, at least to have earned

the last button on the end like something forgotten.

They say everything happens for a reason, though.

And I am sure that even if it is not clear,

there is something. Some result, that shouldn't too terrible.

It will still take me a while to get there.

I kind of fell down, and just stayed down.

Lying on a hard ground, unsure of where to go.

There is only one way, though. Back up, to try again.

This is my life, right now. It hasn't paused and it isn't going to wait.

I don't know what to do, still. And my limbs still feel weak, and I am still full of hurt.

But I can be strong, and push through everything else.

And when I do, I will be better for it.

There is nothing else to say besides that.

I do feel lonely though. All day today, especially sitting on the bus by myself.

It was hard not to think of other days, when it was warmer and the synthetic feel of the seats stuck to any part of me that was bare. Days when there was constant chatter, and laughter. I used to laugh so much. So, so, so much. So hard that I got used to the aching in my sides and belly, and the lightheadedness of not being able to breathe temporarily because I was too busy giggling. I feel like there is a constant tightness in my face, and a frown. Sometimes smiling feels like a show put on for someone else, and I feel like someone else. 

It shouldn't be that way,  that's why I try so hard.

I am rambling. And thinking, too much.

It is late. And I should try to sleep now before tomorrow is lost to me.

Today, actually. Today.

I doubt that this hope will stay all day, but I can hope that it will while

the feeling is still with me.

 It is 1:00AM exactly.

Goodnight, before I continue on any more.