"You've got my head spinning
heart beating out of my chest.

I'm a sucker for lovers,
for lovers."

As I write this, that's what is playing.
'I Don't Know About You, But I Came To Dance' - FTSK.
It's fun. I likey. :3

But today, I was more into 'so contagious' - Acceptance.
Mostly because I was thinking deep thoughs about Mom and Dad and..life.
I know that I don't think about how mad they make me. There's so many things, and I just push it into the deep abysmal creases in my brain... I just can't deal with it.
I only think about it when I can yell at whoever it is.
Like, I know I shouldn't do that. I should talk about it and get it out.
But it hurts too badly.
And today, I'm having a good day.

I wasn't having a good day to start off, though.
It all fit to what I was talking to Amy about before.
My entire morning / early afternoon was like 'Just alittle more ______'
Everything just seemed to be lacking.
And it was hot out, and I was irritable.
To top it all off, my battery died because I thought I had plugged my cord in but then I didn't and it died.
From there on out, I was just kind of like 'Fuck It.'
and went on with my day in an aloof sort of manner.
Nothing could touch me, I was happy and that was how it was going to stay.
You know, that sort of deal.
Anyway.
So...after the battery died, I watched TV with james and continued to be irritable.
It wasn't until I went and chilled out in the empty bathtub.

It was just so fucking hot out.
I went in the bathroom and it was nice.
Colder, and fresher.
There was water droplets all on the tub from whoever had a shower last,
but I didn't care.
It only made it nicer to be in there.
So I stuck a towel down -though that was kinda useless- and hopped in.
Clothes and all.
I turned the music up, and just..sat.
Didn't think didn't feel.
Observered. Looked at all the gunk and the spots that got missed when Mom last cleaned the whole thing.
Tried to read the labels on my conditioner upside down.
Absent thoughts, ones that didn't count.
Like 'I wonder what I would take a picture of if I had a camera right now..'
The most interesting shot would've been of the way the light cast shadows on the yellow/greenish tub surface. How it shined and how you could make out the shadow of my hands, and of various other objects that the light fell on.
I turned my head to the other side, watched the water droplets for a while.
And then sat up a bit, looking at my face in the reflection of the shiny bath surface.
It was weird, to see my face distorted and greeney and shiney and..abstract.
Worthy of a painting, almost.
My dirty feet left grayish marks where they had gotten wet and then touched the tub...but whatever. Cleaning it up was a small price to pay for those few moments.

It's hard, not to think. I have to work at it.
Try so hard to just focus on something in the here and now, like..right now, my brain is just open.
I'm letting all my thoughts pour out. Where as usually, I try to keep a lid on it.
I try to just..stay in the moment. To just live. To just..be.
And then, reflect on it later. But sometimes that's hard.

Anyway. After about 30 / 40 minutes -Hell I don't know how long it was-
into my little romp in the bathroom, I decided that was enough.
I just came to a snap decision to ask Gowri if she wanted to swing on the swings.

Here's a random fact: I love the swings.
It's like flying. All that there is is you, plastic and a chain.
Your own muscle power is moving you along, and you're not really moving much but...it feels amazing. The wind in your hair as you go higher and higher.
How your hands might start to ache after awhile, or get sweaty.
The soreness in your legs, and how you don't stop even when you're ass falls asleep.
I love it. All of it.
But this time was..different. I didn't want to think, but I ended up doing it anyway. Before I even reached the swings, I waas thinking.
On my walk to meet Tany, the sun was shining and it was hott and there were unpleasant things and yet...I was in a bubble.
I could see and experience all of it, but...it didn't touch me.
Like wearing gloves, only it was still somehow personal and not rude.

I could smell all the spicy smells from other people cooking as it leaked out onto the boiling air, and usual that makes me wrinkle my nose. But this time, I just breathed in deeper and remembered it. Appreciated it.
I saw alot of people, andusually I don't like to be seen. But instead, I smiled at them. All of them.
From the little boy staring at me, to the old wrinkled brown ladies. I didn't care.
I thought about what life would be millions of miles away, in a place that was mostly desert and were everything was simpler then here, while on it's own level very complex.
India. Where so many of my neighbours ventered from. I don't know if it's mostly desert, but that's what I picture.
I see sandy villages and cute little twig / wood huts.
Something out of a world vision commercial, only...more upscale then that.
With less flies.
And tigers, and beautiful indian girls in bright suits.
I have alot of time on my hands, okay. Just stfu.

Anyway. These thoughts mostly manifested when I saw this old man at the corner of 124th, where all those stupid red lights are? yeah. Anyway The corner house has this big tree that is just like..a wall of leaves. There was this oldman in a white outfit, with a turban and bare feet. Trimming the tree with this knife.
I fit in so well with the face I had in my mind, I couldn't help staring.
he noticed, and gave me this slightly insane look, but whatever.
If you're going to be out in the street, I practically have a right to look at you.
That probably wasn't very smart though, since he had a knife and all.
But oh well. I stopped looking when I got to the street anyway.

So..I know I didn't post much these past couple days.
But like I said, I didn't notice I was in a mess until after.
I guess I was kind of in a rut.
I didn't really think any deep thoughts during my rut.
And so, here it is. The flood after the dam being up for a while.
Enjoy.
(: