Going to bed in like a minute.
My mind feels numb and my eyes want to shut.
I like it.

Today was a good day.

Ignore my unnecessary ramblings,
my brain was a jumble.

Edit: I wrote this and after posting my newer post,
felt like taking this down.
Words spring up when you let your mind wander.
Feelings were once felt but are now gone.
Days stretch forever for me, lately.
I think I switch moods a billion times.
No wonder I'm always so tired.


I don't like being seen as a girl who cosntantly shops for no reason.
Because that isn't how it is,
and I know everyone knows that now but all the same.

I have so few things, really.
When I was cleaning up
my closet the other day I
did a sort of inventory.
It stacks up like this:

Pants: 4. 3 jeans 1 dress.y
Skirts: 1 casual 1 formal.
Shorts: 2.
Dresses: 2.
Shirts: Several.
Sweaters: 3 good. A few worn.
Shoes: 2 'wearble' pairs. No dressy.
Tights: 1. 2 If you count my demolished leggings.
Coat: 0. I borrow James's.
Pajamas: 1(complete set).

I got rid of a lot of clothes last year because I never wore them or they didn't fit.
Something I miss out of there is my red dress.
I know I couldn't have kept it even if I wanted to though,
it was fuzzy with lint.

I remember walking to school on formal day, wearing that dress. My black formal skirt that sweeps the floor underneath and hitched up so that only the edge showed beneath the red.
Gray leggings, before the holes.
Black flats we got during that x-mas shopping binge last year at the mall, when I needed things for BCPE. Hair done up in the same sort of updo I wore to grad, feeling like some sort of celebrity.

This time last year had been so good. So...normal. Things didn't get that awful until january, so. I had lots of time to still be me.

It's hard to remember what kind of girl I was before.
During spring '07, especially.
That seems like miles away from now even though it was only a year or two.
The only thing I really have that sticks out from spring of that year
when everything started would be...the cutting.
And sitting in Mr. Murphy's office when I finally
went back to school, talking to Mr. Bauman and him and crying
my eyes out. Wearing my paint stained grad sweater
and those jeans that the zipper wouldn't
stay up on.

And I remember when I decided things would be different.
When the time to the fall out boy concert
kept getting smaller and smaller,
and I could focus on it.
And I'd spend so many evenings dancing around
in my room to songs off of FUTCT,
imagining what it would be like.

And going to camp that year,
and kayaking for the first time.
The water so calm, and everything
just perfect.

I wish I could go back and stay there, in that time frame for a little longer.
May 28 - Beginning of september...

But I can't. Time will keep ticking on, and I'll just have to keep going.
That thought is a tiring one.
More of this.
But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Life is life, and I'll live it.

I shall probably read 'Just Listen' again just for the hell of it.
Making a playlist as we speak so I don't have
to be distracted and change the song a billion times.
I don't want to write
or think about how things where anymore.
It's over, and done and there's nothing I can do now
but go with the future and hope for the best.

That's all anyone can do, really, in this tipsy topsy world we live in.
Blah.

Got bored somewhere around 2/3AM.

Did some art on gaia for free.

Though I'd post them here along with

one I did of my own avatarr.

Still playing 'Cross My Heart' on loop.

I took a break and listened to some

YMAEWK, but then..meh.

Returned to it,

since it's awesome.

So here's another day
I'll spend away from you
Another night I'm running
Another broken avenue
My bag is ripped and worn
But then again that's all I..
Take what you wanna take
What you wanna take
What you..
I miss the stupid things
We'd go to sleep and then
You'd wake me up and kick me out of bed at 3 am
Pick up the phone and hear you saying dirty things to me
Do what you wanna do
What you wanna do
What you..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

Times are all the same
You're still away from me
Another day
Another dollar that I'll never see
Gonna get the peices
The peices
Peices of something good
Lie just a little lie
Just a little lie
Just a..

I wonder what your doing
I wonder if your daddy's (home)
I wonder how we ever used to go so long without it
No matter where I go
I'm coming back to you
Be where I ought to be
Where I ought to be
Where I..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you

Take Me Home
I dont wanna be alone tonight

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you I
will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

And I hate to want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

'Cross My Heart' - Marianas Trench.
New single.

I love it. It might have single handedly saved the day for me, honestly.
Video shoot is in Van on Nov. 22.

Me and Tan might be able to go.
It will be killer.

Update: Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I always am, aren't I?

Edit: Upon reading offline instant messeges that
were solely about having to go, I don't feel as bad.
I guess it doesn't matter what I was feeling.
Not enough for there to be comment on it.
I'm always so worried I'm being selfish, well.
I don't think it's just me anymore.

I waited today, for dollface to come on.
It was about...4pm, when she finally did.
All the hours she was here, conversation
was scarce.
It's like that a lot lately, and I'm sick
of being the one to bridge the gap.

There's just...this pressure on me, from
every imaginable angle, and then...
from my friends.
I have..more.
Have to balance my time,
and adhear to what they want,
and have patience and...
And I don't want to right now.

There's just things I'm supposed to...keep track of.
And, feelings I have to worry about.
And..i'm supposed to be the one with the problems.
I'm supposed to be the one that gets asked if anything was wrong.
The one that my secret thoughts get picked up on...

and fuck.
I don't even want to think about this right now.
I don't even CARE about this.
Honestly, I don't.
I don't care that I have to take care of everyone.
It's what I do.
I don't mind it.

It's just...when I give so much
thought and time and feelings
and, everything into something.
And then get accused of not caring,
it pushes me that extra inch.
Thet little bit more to the edge.
And here I am, precariously close to this
drop point. And I'm kicking,
and I'm screaming and it's clear I don't want to go over.
And everyone knows I'm fragile right now,
but still.
She went there.
And she didn't think.
And I just wonder a lot lately.
"Do you even know me?"
Because there is serious room for doubt right now.
I...
Family?
I love my family, okay.
But..you can't change your family relationships.
You can't forage new boundaries,
or say to someone "Look, I just don't think
we should talk anymore."
With friends you can.
Friends are supposed to be there for you,
and know who you are, and understand things.
With family there's room for miscommunications.
There, is excuses for it.
But...I can't deal with that from people
that I'm supposed to trust.
Trust with out much reason to trust, except for
that they say I can. Except for that I have been
able to thus far.

I just can't.
And now I'm in pieces all over again.
After having such a safe week.
After actually being happy today,
this entire weekend.
This, entire..half of the week were I could
keep it together.

But no. It's not really that that bothers me.
It's the double standard.

" 'Do you still love me?'

'Do you honestly think so little of me?' "

Comes to mind.

I don't care anyway?
So, this is me not caring?
Well news flash, because caring
about someone is loving them.

And, saying that you couldn't help about today.
And me, saying that it's not my fault either and
if I'm busy monday...
And then it's made out like I'm an awful person.
Without even knowing what I could be busy with.

But oh, it's fine if it's family.
But shopping would not be fine.
But oh, you'd forgive me for
that anyway, I'd just owe you.

Well..fine.
If that's how things are supposed
to be, and you're happy with that then fine.

At least one of us will be happy.

I feel awful.
I said something I shouldn't have,
and something I didn't really mean.
I just...frustrated.
Sick of how things are.
The rut I've fallen into,
everything of the old
seems to be pushing me from changing.

Things like 'You always..' or 'You do..'
Not just from one person, but
from everyone.
I'm predictable, over the worst things.

It's not right to assume,
that's something I know first hand.
But I assumed and used
that assumption accusingly,
it wasn't fair of me.
I feel terrible for it and I'm sorry, Amy.


I don't know what's going on with me, honestly.
Everything is a jumble.
I said such awful things and promptly signed out
of msn and left the room, going
to join my parents where they waited.
Having wanted to hang out with me.

My life is not about family togetherness.
And really, I thought for a long time about
what my life IS about, and couldn't think
of one single thing.

The post contains loads of profanity.

Note: I don't lie. ):

Like/Dislike --- UPDATE.

Likes;

Urban Dictionary.
Youtubing 'Arabian Nights'.
Dancing around in my room.
Rejecting things that are true.
Fat cat.
Scarfs.
Sweaters.
Gaia.
Notebooks.
Honey.
Pajamies.

Dislikes;

Wikipedia.
YIM.
Sleeping late.
Having to think about shit.
Eddie.
Those ripped towels the scene kids are wearing these days.
Tee shirts.
Teenspot.
Sketchbooks.
Peanut Butter.
Shoes.

Nuetral;

Socks.
Getting up at 10am.
Tanktops.
Chatbuilding.com
Graph paper.
Gloves.
Silence.
Nutella.
Movies.
Neopets.

It is almost 9am.
The clock on my besides table reads 8;05,
but I know that's not right.
I should really get around to setting that
thing. But there's something
that makes looking over at the clock and
seeing it's 3am when it's actually 2:10
that doesn't feel as...odd.
Like, if the clock were set to the right time,
there would be no room for denying that I
could not sleep, and was just lying in my
bed thinking silly thoughts.
If the clock isn't set, I can easily say to
myself "Oh, that's not the right time.
I could easily be wrong and it could
be like, 11."

Fuck, I hate being up early.

I got so bored, I checked my facebook AND my myspace.
Next I'll go on gaia. Neopets if I get that desperate.
Force myself into turning out some posts, maybe.
I really should. It's for sure not from lack of wanting.

But there's so many things I have to do.
Need to do.
Should do.
Want to do.

I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing much of anything, honestly.
I need to pull myself together a bit more, I guess.

There is one thing though, when Tany gets her school books,
she has to start actually coming over here in the morning
and we have to actually do our work.
That's something I can't do alone.

I can tug most everything else into place on my
own, I think.

Note: Took me forever to finis this blog, hah.
It's like 9:28 now.