Just got back a few minutes ago from a nice walk with the dog.
It was so cold that there was ice in all the ditches and that a lot of the snow was still sitting around. I was dressed in a sweater, a tee shirt, a dress and leggings.
I wasn't even that cold, really.
My hair was messy though from not having a shower,
and the wind blew it everywhich way.
Kind of amusing to watch, probably but
very annoying to deal with.
Got to get my laundry together,
then I'm going to take a shower.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
"I still believe that change can happen, though it's hard and it happens slowly."
- 'Are We All Forgotten' - Paper Route.
I'm not crazy about the rest of the lyrics, but
the one verse just kind of fits.
And some of the other parts, if you think
about it in a way that's different then they were
meant.
Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I tried reading, but I got a few pages in to
'I Capture The Castle' -Dodie Smith...
and I just couldn't get into it.
I tried playing Mario for a bit,
but I pretty much gave up the moment I lost one life.
So, I just kind of messed around on the computer.
Not really doing much of anything.
And then it was like some late time eventually,
12 or something, IDK so I turned off the computer and
got into bed. Put the headphones on, tried to sleep.
Cried some.
I realized I had the pillow and blanket that Gowri
always favoured when she slept over,
and that just about did it for me wanting to sleep in the bed.
I don't really know why,
but I decided I wanted to sleep on the floor.
So, I pushed all the junk on the floor to the side,
and then set down 2 of my heavy quilts for
padding and then my pillows,
and I just lay down with the headphones still on and in my pajamas
and the light off. I think I realized later I didn't have anything covering me, so then
I just kind of half pullde on of the blankets still on my bed off.
That was good for awhile.
Cried some more.
Because I was listening to sad music, of course.
By then it was 1AM, but I still couldn't sleep.
So, I made a fort out of my floor bed.
Lol.
I know.
A fort?!
I don't know what I was thinking either.
I took the blanket that I had been using as a blanket
and put a corner by my desk and weighed it down
with a heavy box,
and then I put a corner in the drawer of my dresser,
and the rest was put on the bed so I kind of had this weird canopy.
But it was really low,
so.
I went in there, for like 10 mins, but then I decided to change it and made it better.
So, then I lay down again.
In my fort, and on the floor.
I had forgotten to get a blanket to cover me and keep me warm,
but i didn't bother getting one.
I just listened to the sad songs on my mp3,
and let myself cry.
'Poison Oak' - Bright Eyes came on, and that was when it got particularly bad.
"And I fell asleep with you still talking to me...
You said you weren't afraid to die."
There was probably a lot of times that we had talked until I was right
on my way to sleep.
And the other half reminds me of when she had that slightly suicidal stage, you know?
And I hate to think about that, too.
Because she made me feel so awful about myself then.
Like I wasn't a good enough friend, also and that wasn't reason enough.
Or was she even serious?
I'm not even sure.
It doesn't even matter.
"Then, when you turned away...
when you slammed the door..."
That one is obvious.
"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep.
And all their tearful words would turn
back into steam."
The first thing I ever wrote and was proud of was my poems.
And I was crying myself to sleep, sort of.
"And I never thought that this life was possible."
I didn't ever think we wouldn't be friends.
I had tried to imagine it several times during my
very very depressed months a while back.
And I just...I can't make myself know that she isn't
my friend anymore and that she isn't coming back.
Because I so want it to be that I'm just trying to trick
myself into thinking that to see how it'd feel if
I ever lost her as a friend.
And man, I woke up to hearing absolute and complete confirmation on
another dissapointment.
And....I just hate it.
I hate being lied to, and I hate having such a fucked up life.
And all the time I was in my fort, just willing myself to fall asleep..
the only thing that I wanted was someone to come in, and see me..
and ask me WTF I was doing. To hug me and tell me that things will be
better, but no one ever did.
And I ended up just getting back into bed at 2AM.
Even though I want someone to comfort me,
I'd almost rather be alone.
So that I could make as much noise as I wanted.
I just want to scream and scream and scream until
I don't even have a voice left.
Or at least to sing, loudly.
It just...feels so crowded in this house.
Because even when I'm in my room, there are people all around me.
In James's room, in my moms room, in the living room, in the kitchen...
in the bathroom, everywhere.
I wish Amy were online.
But I think she's probably at work,
because usually she'd be on by now.
But I don't know.
Maybe she's just sleeping in rrreeaaallly late, lol.
I know I usually sleep in until like, 1PM.
I actually thought it was 1PM when I woke up, but it was only like 10.
I guess I'd better go get some breakfast or something.
Put some presentable clothes on and maybe walk the dog.
I don't know.
Sitting here in my room with the light off like I'm doing right now
is probably only going to make me feel worse.
I'm not crazy about the rest of the lyrics, but
the one verse just kind of fits.
And some of the other parts, if you think
about it in a way that's different then they were
meant.
Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I tried reading, but I got a few pages in to
'I Capture The Castle' -Dodie Smith...
and I just couldn't get into it.
I tried playing Mario for a bit,
but I pretty much gave up the moment I lost one life.
So, I just kind of messed around on the computer.
Not really doing much of anything.
And then it was like some late time eventually,
12 or something, IDK so I turned off the computer and
got into bed. Put the headphones on, tried to sleep.
Cried some.
I realized I had the pillow and blanket that Gowri
always favoured when she slept over,
and that just about did it for me wanting to sleep in the bed.
I don't really know why,
but I decided I wanted to sleep on the floor.
So, I pushed all the junk on the floor to the side,
and then set down 2 of my heavy quilts for
padding and then my pillows,
and I just lay down with the headphones still on and in my pajamas
and the light off. I think I realized later I didn't have anything covering me, so then
I just kind of half pullde on of the blankets still on my bed off.
That was good for awhile.
Cried some more.
Because I was listening to sad music, of course.
By then it was 1AM, but I still couldn't sleep.
So, I made a fort out of my floor bed.
Lol.
I know.
A fort?!
I don't know what I was thinking either.
I took the blanket that I had been using as a blanket
and put a corner by my desk and weighed it down
with a heavy box,
and then I put a corner in the drawer of my dresser,
and the rest was put on the bed so I kind of had this weird canopy.
But it was really low,
so.
I went in there, for like 10 mins, but then I decided to change it and made it better.
So, then I lay down again.
In my fort, and on the floor.
I had forgotten to get a blanket to cover me and keep me warm,
but i didn't bother getting one.
I just listened to the sad songs on my mp3,
and let myself cry.
'Poison Oak' - Bright Eyes came on, and that was when it got particularly bad.
"And I fell asleep with you still talking to me...
You said you weren't afraid to die."
There was probably a lot of times that we had talked until I was right
on my way to sleep.
And the other half reminds me of when she had that slightly suicidal stage, you know?
And I hate to think about that, too.
Because she made me feel so awful about myself then.
Like I wasn't a good enough friend, also and that wasn't reason enough.
Or was she even serious?
I'm not even sure.
It doesn't even matter.
"Then, when you turned away...
when you slammed the door..."
That one is obvious.
"Let the poets cry themselves to sleep.
And all their tearful words would turn
back into steam."
The first thing I ever wrote and was proud of was my poems.
And I was crying myself to sleep, sort of.
"And I never thought that this life was possible."
I didn't ever think we wouldn't be friends.
I had tried to imagine it several times during my
very very depressed months a while back.
And I just...I can't make myself know that she isn't
my friend anymore and that she isn't coming back.
Because I so want it to be that I'm just trying to trick
myself into thinking that to see how it'd feel if
I ever lost her as a friend.
And man, I woke up to hearing absolute and complete confirmation on
another dissapointment.
And....I just hate it.
I hate being lied to, and I hate having such a fucked up life.
And all the time I was in my fort, just willing myself to fall asleep..
the only thing that I wanted was someone to come in, and see me..
and ask me WTF I was doing. To hug me and tell me that things will be
better, but no one ever did.
And I ended up just getting back into bed at 2AM.
Even though I want someone to comfort me,
I'd almost rather be alone.
So that I could make as much noise as I wanted.
I just want to scream and scream and scream until
I don't even have a voice left.
Or at least to sing, loudly.
It just...feels so crowded in this house.
Because even when I'm in my room, there are people all around me.
In James's room, in my moms room, in the living room, in the kitchen...
in the bathroom, everywhere.
I wish Amy were online.
But I think she's probably at work,
because usually she'd be on by now.
But I don't know.
Maybe she's just sleeping in rrreeaaallly late, lol.
I know I usually sleep in until like, 1PM.
I actually thought it was 1PM when I woke up, but it was only like 10.
I guess I'd better go get some breakfast or something.
Put some presentable clothes on and maybe walk the dog.
I don't know.
Sitting here in my room with the light off like I'm doing right now
is probably only going to make me feel worse.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Amy has this really, like...
I don't know.
She just has this post in her blog right now about things.
And I literally had to stop reading,
and just...turn my entire self away from the computer.
Because I just couldn't.
I couldn't read it, it was too hard.
And I was crying, and crying and crying...
and I just closed the page.
I just closed it.
I just, wiped my tears off and took deep breaths and just...
just tried not to think about it.
I just shoved it away, put on some Beach House and wrote a -crappy- post for the role play.
I made myself read the rest though, just before I wrote this.
I read the rest, and just...let it hurt.
There's nothing I can do to fight it, I'm going to hurt no matter what.
I might as well just..embrace it.
Which is probably what I'll be doing quite soon,
because I plan to just get into comfy pajamas...
update the songs on the MP3 to include some good
ones that I think will work well...
and then play some mario for a bit, read a book maybe...
Then go to bed sometime in an hour, and just...yeah.
Go to bed. And sleep.
Get rid of this headache that's come on so strongly.
I don't know.
She just has this post in her blog right now about things.
And I literally had to stop reading,
and just...turn my entire self away from the computer.
Because I just couldn't.
I couldn't read it, it was too hard.
And I was crying, and crying and crying...
and I just closed the page.
I just closed it.
I just, wiped my tears off and took deep breaths and just...
just tried not to think about it.
I just shoved it away, put on some Beach House and wrote a -crappy- post for the role play.
I made myself read the rest though, just before I wrote this.
I read the rest, and just...let it hurt.
There's nothing I can do to fight it, I'm going to hurt no matter what.
I might as well just..embrace it.
Which is probably what I'll be doing quite soon,
because I plan to just get into comfy pajamas...
update the songs on the MP3 to include some good
ones that I think will work well...
and then play some mario for a bit, read a book maybe...
Then go to bed sometime in an hour, and just...yeah.
Go to bed. And sleep.
Get rid of this headache that's come on so strongly.
I just called Gowri back.
Some young guy answered,
then some lady came on...
and then it was like this:
"Hello?"
"Is Gowri there?"
"No. This is wrong number,
don't call here."
"Why are you lying to me?"
*click*
I don't even feel like crying now,
or anything else.
I think I'll go to bed soon, maybe.
Because there's also that me and Jenn went to the store,
bought like 40$ worth of stuff mostly for dinner,
I made a yummy dinner of chicken strips,
salad and my cream cheese pasta with mushrooms...
and mom didn't eat it and has this bitchy attitude,
and is acting like she doesn't and all this stupid shit.
Maybe I'll go take a walk, Amy is BRB anyway.
But I don't really want to incase she comes back.
I guess...I'll just work on my posts while I wait or something.
Some young guy answered,
then some lady came on...
and then it was like this:
"Hello?"
"Is Gowri there?"
"No. This is wrong number,
don't call here."
"Why are you lying to me?"
*click*
I don't even feel like crying now,
or anything else.
I think I'll go to bed soon, maybe.
Because there's also that me and Jenn went to the store,
bought like 40$ worth of stuff mostly for dinner,
I made a yummy dinner of chicken strips,
salad and my cream cheese pasta with mushrooms...
and mom didn't eat it and has this bitchy attitude,
and is acting like she doesn't and all this stupid shit.
Maybe I'll go take a walk, Amy is BRB anyway.
But I don't really want to incase she comes back.
I guess...I'll just work on my posts while I wait or something.
I got into the shower thinking a lot about Gowri.
When I came out, I was practically planning how the
conversation would go and what I would say.
I dressed, went into my room and decided I didn't like
what I was wearing and changed.
Then, I looked for the piece of paper with her number.
And I found it in my purse.
And then I got the phone,
and I walked down the hallway.
And all of that...it just seems like last week.
All the details are blurring together in my mind,
like water touching a piece of paper on which words were
written in ink...it's all running into itself.
So, I sat on my bed.
And I looked at the phone.
And I dialed the number.
It felt almost familiar, like I'd dialed this
number a million times before...
and I really wish it was like that.
So, I call her.
And some soft voice I don't recognize answers.
I ask for Gowri, and she comes on.
And she says hello.
And I can't say anything.
She says it again,
and this time I answer.
My voice sounds weak in my ears,
and I can't make it any louder.
I say: "You never called..."
she doesn't say anything for a long while.
And when I start to tell her that it's okay if
she doesn't want to be my friend,
I only get out' It's okay if..' and then
she tells me to hold on,
and puts the phone down.
I can hear the noise of it going down unto a table
sor some such surface,
and I can hear the noises in her house and the voices..
and it all just seems so far away.
So different.
A life I'm not a part of, a house I've never seen.
And...she comes back on the phone.
And she says she'll call me later,
she was about to go somewhere.
And I just...I say: "Like you called me before?"
and she says: "Fine, you call me later."
And I say "Sure, bye."
And she didn't hear me, so I repeat it.
I don't remember if she said bye to me.
I just remember hanging up the phone,
and just...staring at it.
And then the tears came,
and it was like I couldn't feel anything.
Not even the breath coming in and out of my lungs.
All there was was the hot trails of the tears.
And everything else just felt muted.
I didn't say anything, the tears just came.
And I remember being mildly surprised when
there were more then I expected.
And I just sat there.
And cried.
A good five minutes...
but it still hurts.
It wasn't the kind of cry I need.
A good, all out, noisy can't-breathe-can't-see kind of cry
that makes you feel like your very self has been washed out
and refreshed. I just feel tired.
My arms are heavy, and the keys beneath my fingers
feel odd, like typing is something I haven't done for awhile.
I got up after I was done crying for a second there...
to change my clothes because the ones I was wearing
held memories of when we were friends,
and I just couldn't.
And I just felt so confused, and I wasn't sure what to do.
I remember putting on a shirt and then a sweater,
putting the phone out of my room..
coming back in, and blocking the door.
And sitting here, and typing.
I've got a headache.
And I'm hungry, I should eat.
But there isn't anything good here...
and I really don't feel like it.
I remember feeling angry sometime during all that.
At Jenn.
But more at myself, for so blindly trusting her
and landing myself in this situation.
I haven't logged back on to facebook yet.
I don't want to make Amy feel as depressed as I am,
because I know she misses Gowri too.
Jaylin has just come in.
The light is off, and I told her to go away...
but in her typical fashion, she hasn't.
I suppose I'll just end this up here and try
to put on a cheerful smile and a happier frame of mind while I talk to her and be nice to her,
and get back on FBIM.
Because even if I don't want it to,
and even if I don't want to do anything,
life isn't going to put itself on pause for me.
And I am not going to ignore the people
I care about, and who care about me.
When I came out, I was practically planning how the
conversation would go and what I would say.
I dressed, went into my room and decided I didn't like
what I was wearing and changed.
Then, I looked for the piece of paper with her number.
And I found it in my purse.
And then I got the phone,
and I walked down the hallway.
And all of that...it just seems like last week.
All the details are blurring together in my mind,
like water touching a piece of paper on which words were
written in ink...it's all running into itself.
So, I sat on my bed.
And I looked at the phone.
And I dialed the number.
It felt almost familiar, like I'd dialed this
number a million times before...
and I really wish it was like that.
So, I call her.
And some soft voice I don't recognize answers.
I ask for Gowri, and she comes on.
And she says hello.
And I can't say anything.
She says it again,
and this time I answer.
My voice sounds weak in my ears,
and I can't make it any louder.
I say: "You never called..."
she doesn't say anything for a long while.
And when I start to tell her that it's okay if
she doesn't want to be my friend,
I only get out' It's okay if..' and then
she tells me to hold on,
and puts the phone down.
I can hear the noise of it going down unto a table
sor some such surface,
and I can hear the noises in her house and the voices..
and it all just seems so far away.
So different.
A life I'm not a part of, a house I've never seen.
And...she comes back on the phone.
And she says she'll call me later,
she was about to go somewhere.
And I just...I say: "Like you called me before?"
and she says: "Fine, you call me later."
And I say "Sure, bye."
And she didn't hear me, so I repeat it.
I don't remember if she said bye to me.
I just remember hanging up the phone,
and just...staring at it.
And then the tears came,
and it was like I couldn't feel anything.
Not even the breath coming in and out of my lungs.
All there was was the hot trails of the tears.
And everything else just felt muted.
I didn't say anything, the tears just came.
And I remember being mildly surprised when
there were more then I expected.
And I just sat there.
And cried.
A good five minutes...
but it still hurts.
It wasn't the kind of cry I need.
A good, all out, noisy can't-breathe-can't-see kind of cry
that makes you feel like your very self has been washed out
and refreshed. I just feel tired.
My arms are heavy, and the keys beneath my fingers
feel odd, like typing is something I haven't done for awhile.
I got up after I was done crying for a second there...
to change my clothes because the ones I was wearing
held memories of when we were friends,
and I just couldn't.
And I just felt so confused, and I wasn't sure what to do.
I remember putting on a shirt and then a sweater,
putting the phone out of my room..
coming back in, and blocking the door.
And sitting here, and typing.
I've got a headache.
And I'm hungry, I should eat.
But there isn't anything good here...
and I really don't feel like it.
I remember feeling angry sometime during all that.
At Jenn.
But more at myself, for so blindly trusting her
and landing myself in this situation.
I haven't logged back on to facebook yet.
I don't want to make Amy feel as depressed as I am,
because I know she misses Gowri too.
Jaylin has just come in.
The light is off, and I told her to go away...
but in her typical fashion, she hasn't.
I suppose I'll just end this up here and try
to put on a cheerful smile and a happier frame of mind while I talk to her and be nice to her,
and get back on FBIM.
Because even if I don't want it to,
and even if I don't want to do anything,
life isn't going to put itself on pause for me.
And I am not going to ignore the people
I care about, and who care about me.
"And I know you're near me. I know you understand...say that you're with me, so you know my face like the back of your hand."
- 'February Air' -- Lights.
It's not february, I know.
But I was listening to this song...
and tryin to post.
And it was like, there was something in my brain.
The words, what I wanted to write.
Lurking, just beyond the surface.
Teasing me.
And I had a tiny little bit of knowledge of what it was,
but then it'd slip away...
and I'm trying and trying and trying and trying...
but the only image I can pull is this inky one,
filled with words for another place.
For here.
And I don't like it.
It's not february, I know.
But I was listening to this song...
and tryin to post.
And it was like, there was something in my brain.
The words, what I wanted to write.
Lurking, just beyond the surface.
Teasing me.
And I had a tiny little bit of knowledge of what it was,
but then it'd slip away...
and I'm trying and trying and trying and trying...
but the only image I can pull is this inky one,
filled with words for another place.
For here.
And I don't like it.
EXCITING NEWS.
About how Dollface is probably
almost for sure going to come visit
sometime in september of 2010.
I'm so excited, even though that's like...
a long ways away.
Like, 18 months or so.
But, whatever.
It'll be so fun!
We can go to hope, and we're thinking of driving down into Washington...
and there's the beach, since it'll still be warm.
And shopping.
And just..hanging out and talking and music,
and so much goodtimes.
I can't wait.
And I can't wait for FOB concert!
Only like, a month...give or take.
And my birthday! 20 something days, I think.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
<3
Umm.
Yeah.
Something scary happened to Dollface at work today.
Some big guy, saying he didn't want cheese but first he said he
did, and cussing and all these things. And it sounded scary.
She even said she was scared, and we're talking about AMY, here.
I mean, she talking about shooting peoples feet like it's nothing.
XD
No, I'm just kidding.
Only I'm not, because she does..
but..I'm not making much sense
because I'm crraazzzzyy hyper right now
and I'm just kind of blabbering on.
Not much as happened to me, today.
I got up only a few hours ago,
and I've mostly been in my room.
OH.
I beat manpower last night on FOBT.
I can't find the screenshot, but I'll post it later.
If I remember.
I also need to shower.
I never did yesterday.
About how Dollface is probably
almost for sure going to come visit
sometime in september of 2010.
I'm so excited, even though that's like...
a long ways away.
Like, 18 months or so.
But, whatever.
It'll be so fun!
We can go to hope, and we're thinking of driving down into Washington...
and there's the beach, since it'll still be warm.
And shopping.
And just..hanging out and talking and music,
and so much goodtimes.
I can't wait.
And I can't wait for FOB concert!
Only like, a month...give or take.
And my birthday! 20 something days, I think.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
<3
Umm.
Yeah.
Something scary happened to Dollface at work today.
Some big guy, saying he didn't want cheese but first he said he
did, and cussing and all these things. And it sounded scary.
She even said she was scared, and we're talking about AMY, here.
I mean, she talking about shooting peoples feet like it's nothing.
XD
No, I'm just kidding.
Only I'm not, because she does..
but..I'm not making much sense
because I'm crraazzzzyy hyper right now
and I'm just kind of blabbering on.
Not much as happened to me, today.
I got up only a few hours ago,
and I've mostly been in my room.
OH.
I beat manpower last night on FOBT.
I can't find the screenshot, but I'll post it later.
If I remember.
I also need to shower.
I never did yesterday.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Edit a picture in some program.
Softened things and added some glow,
sharpened the necklace...
yeah.
I'll put the edited one first and then the other,
so you can be amazed.
I don't know why I picked this one. I think because I liked the picture,
but it wasn't that great.
So I just used it while i randomly messed around and then...
ended up somehow with the finished product.
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
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