Status Report.

In general, I'm sick of people.
I want to be grumpy.
The way I'm making myself
feel right now feels like a lie.

I hate how so many songs I love are filled with love.
Break ups, longing, passion.
All of it. In there.
In them all.
It's fucking lame.
I have to search so hard to find a song that isn't.

And like, Everything feels fake today.
The lightbulb in my room is starting to dim,
so the light feels unreal.
The yard is covered with leaves that are yellow.
It makes home not feel like home.

Today feels like a normal day.

I want to be alone.
Just to chill.
Not talk to all these annoying people.
Every incompetence is grating on my nerves.
Like the touch of velvet does.
Like coming in from the cold does.
Like when you go out in the snow,
and your gloves get wet.

Today is the sort of day, where
everything seems to be in my way.
I'm this close.
Honestly, to just freaking out.
I hate this.
This isn't me.
And at the same time,
in the mood I'm in,
I wonder who I even am anymore.
Who I even know.

Because really, it feels like one of my closest friends..isn't that exact thing.
And I can't be sure whether or not that's my fault.

I feel hazy and full of steam.
I don't feel like going to my aunt's for all the halloween things.
I'm sick of this, everything.
Jumpy. Irritable.

I feel like everywhere I step is someone else's
place. Like I have nowhere to stand and be myself.
Like I'm just like everyone else, and nothing
special. Like everything I've worked
so hard for isn't mine.

Sick of being a people pleaser.
Sick of fall.

And yet, I can't change anything.
Don't you just hate when you think you're going to have a good day,
and then by the looks of it,
it's just a total fail?