Only I don't love being selfish.
Because honestly, I couldn't be more of a people pleaser.
More of a liar.
More of an unlikable person.

I talk too much.
I know too much.
I think too much.
And not even on the 'right' things.
There's so much time that I waste on
wondering what other people
think of me.
I'm not brave.
I want to be, but...I'm not sure how much that counts anymore.
I'm not sure of anything.

I just keep isolating myself, that I do know.
And I do this because...I can't have faith in people that they'll know what to say.
That they'll...care. Or...I dunno.
I just...there are certain reactions I get when something isn't right, and I don't like it.
Because it doesn't help any, and it makes me feel even worse.

Right now there isn't anything I want more then just..a book.
I want to put the headphones on, curl up and read myself away into some other place.
Some other person's life. Someone who hopefully is more messed up then me, so that I can get that sick satisfaction that I'm not as fucked up as I could be.

I feel lost. Pathetic.
Like all those other months when it was gloomy.
I don't want this.
I was so sure...so sure it wouldn't be like this this time.
Wish I had been right.

I am right.

Law of attraction, right?
As long as I can try and believe it I have a chance.

"The morning's hot and harsh,
my notebook fills itself.
The words come thick with sweat,
it feels like someone elseis writing all of this,
someone I just can't believe.
When I mop my brow,
set my pen back down,
Still me, still me.

And I'm grabbing at a feeling now
that I can't ever name.
Some sign post to remind me
how I wanted things this way.

And she said, it's pretty
but you hate yourself,
I can hear it clear as day.
And I say, a sin like this,
it sounds worse than it is.
I'm okay, okay.
I'm okay, okay.
Just stay, just stay."

'Just Stay' - Kevin Devine.

Yeah, I guess I am okay.
Cool.