I woke up at 4:50am today instead of 6.
I feel..hyper.
XD

Have a good day.
Fo' realz yo.

Good morning.
The clouds are over the sky.
And the joy I feel from the sun is not here.
But I take comfort, knowing that it hides beneath the bulky curtains.. waiting.

Aidez-moi.
J'ai oublie comment s'envole dans le ciel.
Aidez-moi.
Je ne comprends pas.
Aidez-moi.
Je suis perdu.
Aidez-moi.
J'ai besoin de vous.
Ici.

Help me.
I have forgotten how to fly in the sky.
Help me.
I do not understand.
Help me.
I am lost.
I need you.


An almost perfect poem.I used lots of knowledge I have plus google translater to work it out.
I think I feel like this today.
I think I feel like a goldfish in a tank today.
I think that those are not good things.
Here.

I thought today would be the day

My day

But it turned out that it isn't

And I'm left with my mouth hanging open in surprise

My high spirits plummiting

A head on crash

Into a brick wall

I am not sure

about today

I am not sure of anything right now

Not even my name

or where my brain is

I need a map

Could you help me?

Help me find myself

BE myself?

And then there is days when everything is going well.
And then someting comes up,
BOOM.
In your face.

Somedays I feel like my life is like a poem in a book.
Others, I am a goldfish in a tank.

Think about it.

So. I've been away a few days.
Not from my house or my daily life, but from my blog.
I just didn't think about it.

NO. I was not off crying in a corner like an emo kid.

NO. I was not in the hospital spoon feeding my poor little grandma.

NO. I was not in your pants.

Haha. Couldn't resist the last bit.
Sorry there.

Mostly that's a bit of an inside joke.. the last part.
My bffl somehow always has her pants undone when we're at her house. Seriously. And she NEVER notices. I point it out, and one day she says "I don't do this.WHO does this?"
That was the funniest thing to happen to me that day.
Only because when I got home the button on my pants fell off.

Anyhow.
I spent all of french period drawing a pretty picture the other day. On my hand.
It looked SUPER cool and I'm thinking I'll draw a better one on someone elses hand, take a pic and then set it on here.
I think I'd do better if I could use two hands as my paper but be able to draw with my right hand. I'm crap as it is so using my left to draw on my right doesn't work.

Still working on that poem.
Still reading magazines.
Not still sitting at home all day on the computer.

I've decided to like running.
My french teacher was talking to us the other day.. because we were all complaining about having to run the 2 kilometer run. And also because she likes us and sort of needs to talk to teach.
ANYWAY.
She was talking about this one thanksgiving..when she was out. Just running because she felt like it. It was sunny, and a nice day. Kinda cold, but there she was in her shorts taking a quick around the block thing. She sees this little old lady, barely moving. Walking on the sidewalk with a cane and everything. Ms. J greets her with a cheery 'Happy Thanksgiving' and the lady stares at her. Just stares. And says, "That must feel so good." and continued on. Teacher went on a bit more, and then stopped. Collapsing and bawling her eyes out. Thinking all these profound thoughts about how others can't run. About how she can run and how others can run too but choose not to. How they take it for granted.
She said "Do. Because you can."
Or something along those lines, and it's become my..I dunno.
My new thought. The thing I say to myself when I don't feel like doing something. Or when it is challenging and I want to stop. I've been pushing myself because I can. I'm doing this right now because I can. I'm going to school because I can. And I'm doing everything I can to stay positice and cheerful. Because I can. And there are people that can't. And I pity them. I pity them because doing what you can because you want to, because you are allowed to is one of the best feelings.

Think of people with no legs. They can't run. Or people in a land that is in conflict. They aren't safe. And they can't express their thoughts or opinions. Because I can do those things, I am grateful. And I am starting to discover that life does have a brighter, lighter, lovelier side.
And I feel good.

My grandma is in the hospital.
My dads mum.

I never really knew her. I mean.. we went over there some holidays, I've met her about three or four times.

But.. it still.. I regret not being able to have a close relationship with her.
I want to visit her. I want to cry.
I want to donate everything I have to cancer research.
But I've already done one of those things, and I don't think I'd be allowed to do one, but the one that is left is plausible.

Sooo.. I would've written earlier, like this morning for example.. but I had huge techniqual difficulties.
The laptop messed up majorly because it was trying to install fucking updates, and I ended up having to re-set it to how it was when it left the factory. Like 20 some-odd times.

My mom was a big help in that, since after awhile, I couldn't quite handle the crap anymore.

But it should be up and running soon, I just have to wait for windows to check the computers preformance or whatever. I think I'm like 20% done. Meh.

I got a laptop for valentines day.
I screamed extremely loud. It was hilarious. :]

I had load and loads of free time in Humanities.
So I wrote.
I wrote a poem about life (more or less)
And I wrote a poem about the lameness of the rules of the contest..
and.. I think I wrote something else only I don't remember.

Uh. Yeah.

Gowri says: "When Off the Wall has their sales, NO! That's it I hate you!"
No one is reading this.. but she is pissed I was writing about what she was saying right now.
She's ranting about killing me, my brother and the cat.
I better go before we all die.

Ow. Punches to the arm. If she weren't to weak I'd cry.

Bye all. Have a lovely evening.

"Write about me again, and I'll kill you! I don't want strangers to know my name!!"
HAH.

Yesterday was crap.
I didn't end up going to school.

I suppose that makes me a coward. And I suppose I'm not okay with that.
I think that's why I'm forcing myself back today.

French blk B
Cooking blk A.
LUNCH
Gym blk d
Humanities lk C.

I really like out block order..since it changes everyday. I like tuesday and thursday though. Because then Humanities is in the morning and I don't have to wait forever for my favourite class.

It's early. And getting up at 6AM is sooo hard. Because sleep just feels so nice..
perhaps I should go to bed earlier.
HAH. Like that'll happen.
ANYWAY.
Still working on that poem.
I'll let ya know when I figure something out.

Have a great day.
You probably deserve it, person that isn't reading this.

There is a poetry contest at school.
I'm not sure what to enter..
anything too depressing would make them want me to talk to someone.
Anything too..too..too..I don't know.
I don't want to have to try to write to fit their standards.
Yet it has to be acceptable.
Oh how I wish that at time like now, I was able to write pretty poems about flowers and smiles.
Yet how boring would I be if I were that person?

First day wasn't that bad. Lets see how crappsh the second one is.

I mean.. first off, I have band. Second off, I have band. Third off, I HAVE BAND.
I hate it, plus, I'm so far behind there isn't much hope of catching up.

School tomorrow.
If I never post here again, it's because I died from the horrible-ness of it all.
Overreaction? Yes. Do I care? Nope.

I don't remember half the shit I put here.
Perhaps I shall read through everything next time I get terribly bored.
Like now for example!

I like asking questions here..
it kind of sucks that they never get answered.

I want to go do something. Run.
Walk.
Sing.
Dance.
Laugh.

Perhaps if everyone else in the house wasn't asleep, I'd pick one and get out all the annoying pent-up energy I have.
Sometimes I lay in bed until I hear someone else get up just because being the only one awake in a house full of sleepers is kind of creepy.
I'll just like.. lay there. Put on the head phones and listen to some music.. maybe read a book.
Mostly I just think of things to put in my blog though.
Feel loved.

I need new music.
'Spring of 2008' needs to come so I can listen to PATD's new album.
(RAWR. I miss the !.)

I have a feeling something is coming up soon.. something I'm supposed to be involved in.
I can't remember what.
Oh dear. ):

I don't think I've talked about how they're making me go back to school on monday.
Okay.
You're all probably (not) saying that I've said 'I'm going back' a billion times,
but this time it's for sure.
Which really is.. just.. ugh.
I'll have to make this last weekend the best it can possibly be.
Which means I'll probably neglect my blog for bit.
Sorry every one that is not reading this.
I didn't mean to break your heart.

I have nothing to read. I suppose in that way it is a good thing I'll be at school..
there's a library there.
Yay.

I wonder what would happen if I fed gold fish goldfish.
Hm.
I'd try, but they aren't mine. Okay. One is mine.
But even so. They're all in the same tank or whatever.

I'm reading Patrick quotes on wikipedia.
Seriously.
I love this website.
It's like the book lovers version of YouTube.

My favourite one is "Hi, I'm Patrick Stump. And I'm wearing Pete's pants. "

I think next time I greet someone, I'll say something random like that. See how they like it.
I'll tell you how it goes if I ever even leave the computer again.

Good Morning.
I'm eating goldfish crackers.
Y'know, "the snack that smiles back".
Kinda blah.
Ahh well. It's not exactly an adequate breakfast, but it goes well with this bland blog post.
I should find something exciting to talk about.
Like Pete and Travis colaborating to do PAINTINGS.
I know. It's insane. Like "Who knew rockstars could paint?"
Hah.

I especially like the one that says ' I heart fakes'. Simple, yet.. interesting?

Eh. I never really know what to say about art.

(ALSO. All you people that don't read my blog may be confused, so I shall elaborate. Pete & Travis = Pete Wentz from FOB and Travis McCoy from GCH. Durr.)

Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other; sending Valentine's cards, or offering candy. It is very common to present flowers on Valentine's Day. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentines_day

I don't think I actually care about any of that.
Do you care about it?

I changed the blog colours since it's febuary.
You know, valentines day is in here somewhere and all.
I don't even know what the whole V-day thing is really.
Like.. how it started?

I'll look it up on wikipedia or something. XD

I want to be great.
You, whoever you are.
If anyone even is listening..
you should have that same aspiration.
More or less anyway.
Be the best you possibly can. I've seen peoples lives waste away.. and it isn't the sort of thing you want to see.
The sort of thing you'd want to be.

Chew on that.
I'ma go get some dinner.

The way things are makes me want to change things.
The way things were makes me want to be angry.
The way things could be makes me hope..and wonder.

See, I don't know how to get there.
The future seems so far away..
I wonder where I'll be then.
As I already know the rough idea of where I want to be.
I think I just need a map or two.

I know now why I am so crazy.
It's this house.
The people in it.

This past while, I've been at my sisters.
Nothing to write about on that end of things.

Anyhow. I came home today, to the sort of 'usual' situation I have to face..
and it sucks.

And I hate it.

I stayed up for like.. 23 hours.
Seriously.

I woke up at nine am yesterday, and I didn't go to bed until 8:30 this morning.
I slept until 10:47, and then I got up.
Surprisingly, I don't feel the least bit sleepy.

We spent the whole night playing audition and doing the impossible quiz
and watching t.v. and just.. random things like playing with bayblades.

It was pretty awesome.
You could say I had fun.

Have you ever listened to other peoples conversations?
Seriously.
They talk about some fucking strange-ass shit.
I just don't understand how they could be entertained by ..just..whoa.
Seriously.

All is well.
Sort of...
Thea asked for my fogiveness anyhow.
Hah. That sounds so like..formal.
Anyway.
She didn't mean it. And I forgive her..
so it's all okay.

I'm not writing this from home.
I'm hanging out with a bunch of losers...
That's all you need to know about that.

School soon. Honestly? I'm seriously going to fucking die if I have to go back.
I hate it. I hate it, I hate it.
But I've already talked about this issue.. and I know how horrible repition is.
RAWR.

Chicken sandwhiches are yummy.

Every conversation, every action, every emotion feels forced.

It shouldn't be this way...
But I suppose the fact that it shouldn't isn't going to change anything.

I feel exhausted.
I want to go to bed.. but I just got up.

This feeling.
I hate it.

The tears are coming again.
Burning hot and forceful.
Struggling to get out.. because I fight them back.

I don't want to admit that she made me cry.
And I don't know why that is.
Okay. Maybe I do know.
Maybe I just don't want to admit that either.

I've noticed a bout 20 or so spelling mistakes to far.
Typos and such.

I could care less.
I just need to get it all out.

Now more then ever, I want to run away.
To hide.
Go to bed and pull up the covers and wait until it's over.
It won't be over though.
Unless I stop it.
Unless I suck it up and go back.
To school.

It shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't have to feel this way.

This feeling hurts so bad.
Like being ripped apart and forgotten.
Abandoned and unwanted.

I wonder how I've changed.
And why.

I want to accuse her of being the one whos changed..
and I want to question her.
I want to scream at her.
I want to hug her.
I want her to see my pain, and feel it.

But none of that can happen.
Since She won't even talk to me.

I'm angry. SO angry.
And hurt.
The only thing I can think of.
Her.
The lack of her.
The whys.
The 'what ifs'

I'm whining now.
And I don't care.
You don't like it, don't read it.

Febuary.
The month of love.

It has just dawned on me that today is the first.

I suppose Imust have bad luck..
to lose a friend now.
A dear friend.
A close friend.

I can't stop thinking of all the things we did together.
Like watching Halcali videos on YouTube..
that time I sang along and she couldnt' stop laughing.
Like building cell models for school.
Eating fries at lunch.
Passing notes in science.

Maybe I'm not the one who' changed.
Maybe it's her.

The tears haven't fallen yet.
But they're on their way.
Bluring my vision.
Falling from my eye in a lazy way and resting against my lower eyelid.

She doesn't know why.
Or what.
or how.

Why I'm not there..
What's going on..
How I feel;
How messed up I am.

Change.
Supposedly, I have done just that.

But I dont' feel a bit different.

I feel like running.
Going to her house.
Knocking on the door.

She probably isn't home.

And I'm probably too afraid of what she'll say to me.

Tears want to fall.

For the loss I have gained

in losing you.

A friend.

But much more.

"You've changed"

So I have.

But you're just angry..

and I'm too caught up in other things to care.

You don't know what is going on with me.

The things I face;

what it's like for me at home

the sort of things that plauge my thoughts.

If only you knew.

I wish to tell you..

But you wouldn't understand.

And you wouldn't listen.

"She said you've changed."

Instead of from your lips, the news reaches me from another.

Coward.

I miss you.

I found out today one of my best friends doesn't want to talk to me.

Someone else told me She thinks I've changed.

Maybe I have changed.

But even so. It's for the better.

My heart feels empty.

My eyes feel full to the point of over flowing..

and my brain hurts; from trying to understand.