I'm going to go out today with Mom and Aunty Sharon afterall.
We'll be driving to North Van to give Lindice some boxes for packing,
and then maybe going for lunch/dinner.
I thought it would be a good oppurtunity to get some good photos.
Mom came in at about 10 or something, with breakfast for me.
She thought I was already awake, but I had just kind of woken up,
but I was thinking about going back to bed but then she came in.
OH.
Last night, for whatever reason,
I ended up looking under my bed.
I found like, half a bottle of Vera Wang's 'Princess'
I thought I had just used all my perfume and that's
why I didn't see it anymore,
I don't remember losing it at all.
Other things under the bed: A collage I had started but never finished. (it wasn't even wrinkled)
and a closed package of poptarts. (Like, 2 poptarts or something. You know when you open the box and there's those silver packs? Yeah.)
So, yeah.
Today actually started off pretty good...
since finding those things was last night at like 1/1;30.
Anyway.
Um.
Yeah.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I sat on my floor for a long time.
Had to think about some things.
I had this old journal on my shelf,
I took it down.
Ripped out all of the pages that had anything on them, arranged them all in a pile.
And I ripped them up.
One or two at a time.
Sometimes in slow, even little piles...
other times messily, angrily.
I put all the pieces into this box I have
in my room from christmas,
and just kind...yeah.
Spent about half an hour, just ripping the pieces into nothing.
When I was done , I picked up the journal and a pen.
and I wrote out, quite carefully some good things and some bad things,
and a decision.
I should go back to normal school.
There's reasons, but I don't want to talk about it on here.
And when I was done that, I put it in with the pieces and closed the lid, and moved it away.
Mom came in shortly after I had finished.
Talking, and nonchalant.
She said she loves me.
And then she said she loves jenn,
but that jenn just doesn't know it.
I didn't even bother with the reply that
popped into my brain.
"She doesn't know it because you never tell her."
and she tried to make jokes about things that had been said
while they were yelling.
I couldn't smile.
I knew she wanted me to, though.
And I could feel my lips lifting up once and awhile.
She asked me for a hug, and I gave her one.
She invited me to go with her to Aunty Sharons tomorrow,
but I said no.
She asked me if I was going to be okay, and I said yes.
All the entire time, I was just tightly held in.
Inside myself. Away from her.
And then she shut the door and I wanted to cry again.
Because then I knew I wasn't going to be okay,
and that I can't just be the same anymore.
And I sat back on the floor, and I picked up my old art book that was long ago filled,
turned to the back of one of the collages and picked up a marker.
The words were already in my head, but I had to set them down.
To see, if my feelings about the statement changed, to see if I was wrong.
I'm not.
'Of all the thoughts that I could think,
the one that sticks is about how I'm fooling
them all.
And probably even myself.
I'm not okay. Not even a little bit.'
Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know, just how deeply it is that I'm feeling
about things. How sad I can get, she doesn't know about it. I don't even know.
I've been slipping it away and covering it up for so long,
that I'm not even sure anymore.
And I can feel myself, locking me away.
My personality, and thoughts and everything good or usefull.
Packing it up, and getting ready to throw away the key.
I even am starting to want to retreat into myself,
it would just be so much easier.
I suppose that means it's time to do something.
I'm just not sure what.
Had to think about some things.
I had this old journal on my shelf,
I took it down.
Ripped out all of the pages that had anything on them, arranged them all in a pile.
And I ripped them up.
One or two at a time.
Sometimes in slow, even little piles...
other times messily, angrily.
I put all the pieces into this box I have
in my room from christmas,
and just kind...yeah.
Spent about half an hour, just ripping the pieces into nothing.
When I was done , I picked up the journal and a pen.
and I wrote out, quite carefully some good things and some bad things,
and a decision.
I should go back to normal school.
There's reasons, but I don't want to talk about it on here.
And when I was done that, I put it in with the pieces and closed the lid, and moved it away.
Mom came in shortly after I had finished.
Talking, and nonchalant.
She said she loves me.
And then she said she loves jenn,
but that jenn just doesn't know it.
I didn't even bother with the reply that
popped into my brain.
"She doesn't know it because you never tell her."
and she tried to make jokes about things that had been said
while they were yelling.
I couldn't smile.
I knew she wanted me to, though.
And I could feel my lips lifting up once and awhile.
She asked me for a hug, and I gave her one.
She invited me to go with her to Aunty Sharons tomorrow,
but I said no.
She asked me if I was going to be okay, and I said yes.
All the entire time, I was just tightly held in.
Inside myself. Away from her.
And then she shut the door and I wanted to cry again.
Because then I knew I wasn't going to be okay,
and that I can't just be the same anymore.
And I sat back on the floor, and I picked up my old art book that was long ago filled,
turned to the back of one of the collages and picked up a marker.
The words were already in my head, but I had to set them down.
To see, if my feelings about the statement changed, to see if I was wrong.
I'm not.
'Of all the thoughts that I could think,
the one that sticks is about how I'm fooling
them all.
And probably even myself.
I'm not okay. Not even a little bit.'
Because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know, just how deeply it is that I'm feeling
about things. How sad I can get, she doesn't know about it. I don't even know.
I've been slipping it away and covering it up for so long,
that I'm not even sure anymore.
And I can feel myself, locking me away.
My personality, and thoughts and everything good or usefull.
Packing it up, and getting ready to throw away the key.
I even am starting to want to retreat into myself,
it would just be so much easier.
I suppose that means it's time to do something.
I'm just not sure what.
My throat is so tight right now with the need to cry that it hurts to breathe.
I can feel the fullness of my tear ducts, and my cheeks are hot from the crying
I've already done.
This isn't because of Gowri.
Mom and Jenn were fighting.
That's really all I'm going to post about it.
I'm tired of my confidant of choice
being the blank, empty space of the internet.
And I'm so tired of the way I live.
I wish I could at least have a family that
stuck together and in which everyone loved eachother
so much that it would almost seem to an outsider
like an impossible ammount.
My fingers are shaking.
I keep hearing footsteps in the hall,
and I really just hope everyone leaves me alone.
I don't want to see any of them.
The house is quieter without Jenn and the Kids living here.
It's almost eerie, and I hate it.
I BRB'd to go and get icecream with Jenn so everyone could have
dessert for after dinner, and then I got back.
Felt kind of bad for leaving Amy, but I knew she would understand
if it was just...better, if I was doing something besides being on the computer.
So, I quickly said bye to her and then I went and watched ANTM with Jenn and everyone, and we were just chilling.
I went and hung out with them, because I thought it would make
it better at this time, the time when I'm alone.
But then everything happened, and I was right there,
and it was just worse.
Of all the things I'm tired of, the one I'm most tired of has to
be crying myself to sleep...
which is probably what I'll be doing tonight.
It would be so much easier if I at least had Tany.
Then I wouldn't have to be here, I could just go to
her house.
But I can't.
I can feel my heart hurting.
And I keep holding my breath without noticing.
Music is on, but it's not helping.
I wish september of 2010 was closer.
I can feel the fullness of my tear ducts, and my cheeks are hot from the crying
I've already done.
This isn't because of Gowri.
Mom and Jenn were fighting.
That's really all I'm going to post about it.
I'm tired of my confidant of choice
being the blank, empty space of the internet.
And I'm so tired of the way I live.
I wish I could at least have a family that
stuck together and in which everyone loved eachother
so much that it would almost seem to an outsider
like an impossible ammount.
My fingers are shaking.
I keep hearing footsteps in the hall,
and I really just hope everyone leaves me alone.
I don't want to see any of them.
The house is quieter without Jenn and the Kids living here.
It's almost eerie, and I hate it.
I BRB'd to go and get icecream with Jenn so everyone could have
dessert for after dinner, and then I got back.
Felt kind of bad for leaving Amy, but I knew she would understand
if it was just...better, if I was doing something besides being on the computer.
So, I quickly said bye to her and then I went and watched ANTM with Jenn and everyone, and we were just chilling.
I went and hung out with them, because I thought it would make
it better at this time, the time when I'm alone.
But then everything happened, and I was right there,
and it was just worse.
Of all the things I'm tired of, the one I'm most tired of has to
be crying myself to sleep...
which is probably what I'll be doing tonight.
It would be so much easier if I at least had Tany.
Then I wouldn't have to be here, I could just go to
her house.
But I can't.
I can feel my heart hurting.
And I keep holding my breath without noticing.
Music is on, but it's not helping.
I wish september of 2010 was closer.
I just noticed I haven't done a 'best moment of ___________' for like, 3 months.
Maybe things really are that bad and there just haven't been any good moments?
Or maybe I've just been super distracted.
Hmm.
I'll sort through all the posts and see.
Post a compiliation of best moments for
the ones I haven't done.
Maybe things really are that bad and there just haven't been any good moments?
Or maybe I've just been super distracted.
Hmm.
I'll sort through all the posts and see.
Post a compiliation of best moments for
the ones I haven't done.
Woke up in a ridiculously hyper/energetic mood.
Maybe it's because my hair is looking scene
because I've got this weird SUPER bang-looking-thing
going on, and those emoz types always are weird
and have excessive ammounts of happiness/
energy.
LOL, or maybe not.
I don't know.
Kind of don't know what to do today.......
BUT I WANT TO ROLEPLAY, DAMN IT.
And I wish I could with dollface before something
happens and then i no longer feeel like itt.
Ummm....yeah.
I think I'll go grab a shower or something, maybe.
Sure.
And some breakfastz.
Maybe it's because my hair is looking scene
because I've got this weird SUPER bang-looking-thing
going on, and those emoz types always are weird
and have excessive ammounts of happiness/
energy.
LOL, or maybe not.
I don't know.
Kind of don't know what to do today.......
BUT I WANT TO ROLEPLAY, DAMN IT.
And I wish I could with dollface before something
happens and then i no longer feeel like itt.
Ummm....yeah.
I think I'll go grab a shower or something, maybe.
Sure.
And some breakfastz.
Time flies when you should be asleep.
"If you have a heart Imma break it. When I see what I want I have to take it." -
I don't know what that's from.
Do you?
Also: "I think some scene fag was listening to lil wayne or T-Pain or someone and said "You know what this needs....screaming." "
perfectly describes the band(artist? IDK) 'Dot Dot Curve'
EDIT: (there was other stuff I decided to say, got lazy to write a new post.)
'All To My Self' - Marianas Trench is such a good song.
I've decided that I don't feel like crying tonight,
and so I will listen to this song.
It makes me feel...I don't know.
Better. I just does.
"Don't patronize
I realize I'm losing and this is my real life
I'm half asleep and I'm wide-awake this habit is always so hard to break
I don't want to be the bad guy
I've been blaming myself and I think you know why
I'm killing time
And time's killing you
Every way that I do"
I am losing, so many things. Like, right now most every long-term thing I've got going on feels like a giant fail. Not the things that I do for the enjoyment, more the things that 'matter'.
And I am half asleep, but wide awake...
and I'm getting back into the habit of staying up for excessively late hours,
and it'll be hard to stop.
And I'm blaming myself for everything that happened ,even though it
isn't really my fault at all.
And I would hope that the more time that goes on, Tan is missing me more too
and it's hurting her equally as bad. Just because then it doesn't feel like
my own pain isn't for nothing, and she's in as much as a hell as me.
"I can try and suck it up
I just can't suck it up
Make me feel like someone else
I'm under the gun
Feel like the only one
I just can't decide what I'm running from"
I'm trying to just suck it up and deal, but it doesn't work.
I would rather feel different then this,
like someone else feels...just for a change/reliefe.
Like when I woke up after being so sick, and I didn't have a headache
and the change was just so nice?
Like that.
And I /does/ kind of feel like out of everyone I know,
everything with me is getting much worse then the
things they've got going on. At least with the people IRL,
anyway.
As to the last line,
I keep changing my mind as to what I'm feeling,
who I'm angry at,
if I'm even angry...
"It's not enough
It's never enough
And I wish I could breath without it getting stuck
Can't focus it but I try over and over again"
No matter what happens that's good the past couple days,
I'm still sad.
And it does get hard to breathe a lot.
My attention is almost completely gone most of the time,
like always when I'm unhappy.
And despite all those things, the infectiously catchy beat just doesn't let me think about any of it.
I'm as close to happy as I'll get this week and probably even next,
and I'm okay for now.
"If you have a heart Imma break it. When I see what I want I have to take it." -
I don't know what that's from.
Do you?
Also: "I think some scene fag was listening to lil wayne or T-Pain or someone and said "You know what this needs....screaming." "
perfectly describes the band(artist? IDK) 'Dot Dot Curve'
EDIT: (there was other stuff I decided to say, got lazy to write a new post.)
'All To My Self' - Marianas Trench is such a good song.
I've decided that I don't feel like crying tonight,
and so I will listen to this song.
It makes me feel...I don't know.
Better. I just does.
"Don't patronize
I realize I'm losing and this is my real life
I'm half asleep and I'm wide-awake this habit is always so hard to break
I don't want to be the bad guy
I've been blaming myself and I think you know why
I'm killing time
And time's killing you
Every way that I do"
I am losing, so many things. Like, right now most every long-term thing I've got going on feels like a giant fail. Not the things that I do for the enjoyment, more the things that 'matter'.
And I am half asleep, but wide awake...
and I'm getting back into the habit of staying up for excessively late hours,
and it'll be hard to stop.
And I'm blaming myself for everything that happened ,even though it
isn't really my fault at all.
And I would hope that the more time that goes on, Tan is missing me more too
and it's hurting her equally as bad. Just because then it doesn't feel like
my own pain isn't for nothing, and she's in as much as a hell as me.
"I can try and suck it up
I just can't suck it up
Make me feel like someone else
I'm under the gun
Feel like the only one
I just can't decide what I'm running from"
I'm trying to just suck it up and deal, but it doesn't work.
I would rather feel different then this,
like someone else feels...just for a change/reliefe.
Like when I woke up after being so sick, and I didn't have a headache
and the change was just so nice?
Like that.
And I /does/ kind of feel like out of everyone I know,
everything with me is getting much worse then the
things they've got going on. At least with the people IRL,
anyway.
As to the last line,
I keep changing my mind as to what I'm feeling,
who I'm angry at,
if I'm even angry...
"It's not enough
It's never enough
And I wish I could breath without it getting stuck
Can't focus it but I try over and over again"
No matter what happens that's good the past couple days,
I'm still sad.
And it does get hard to breathe a lot.
My attention is almost completely gone most of the time,
like always when I'm unhappy.
And despite all those things, the infectiously catchy beat just doesn't let me think about any of it.
I'm as close to happy as I'll get this week and probably even next,
and I'm okay for now.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I was looking for my Folie A Deux CD, and this is what happened.
^Mess by my desk(s)
^Beside the bed.
^Somewhere under all that, there is a desk.
^Bed.
^ Wall of clothes. Also known as, the closet.
And okay, I admit.
Some of the mess WAS there before I looked for the cd.
XD
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