Lol.
Me and G-ri hanging out.
She's being a creeper, lol.
All touching my leg.
Lol.
Appearantly my legs are the best and my feet are good.

Gowri likes the US because they have:
better stores, products, prices, weather,
more famous people constantly there for no reason,
and you dont have to wait for something to come like you do in canada.
And alot of stuff we can't get here that they have there,
and the food is better. And will smith lives there.

LOL.

Didn't go to school today.
End of story.

Today was a good day.

Julie got me a belated b-day gift.
A pretty heart bracelet and some earrings.
I'll postage some pics whenever I feel like setting up the cam.

I'm pretty much all caught up in woodshop.
Still failing french,
but I've got a plan.
I'll have to work hard, but eh.
Crap time in the 2K.
Could've done better.
That much I do know.
Next time.

Humanities homework that I'm excited about.
Poems and some writing and some mapping.

French homework I'd rather not do,
but that I will do because on friday we get marked.
Scary.
Stupid speaking.

It's sunny and beautiful.
I love it.

Good morning.
And no,
I did NOT just go to bed a bit ago,
LOL.

I just locked the computer so the window stayed open.
I forgot to post that last night.
so.

Why let a perfectly good post go to waste?

Green Tea for breakfast.
Yum.
I dont really feel like much else.
But dont worry,
it's decaf.
Last packet too.
I'll have to start using the lemon organic green tea
I got from my aunt.
Eeehh.
I dont think it'll taste as good.

I whisper/sang in the shower today.
Andwhile in the bathroom.
AND while in my room.
I'd be doing it now but
I'm concentrating on my blog,
since it's been rather ignored lately.

Maybe...this is my...
safe guard of sorts.
Ya think?
I mean.....where do I almost always run when things get tough?
Here.
To write.

Perhaps it'strue,
but perhaps that isn't
what I really want.

I'm going to bed much too late again.
I didn't mean to.
It just sort of happened.
Honest.

The keyboard reached in and grabbed me,
and wouldn't let go.

I wish we still had shaw on demand.
I want to watch running with scissors.

"I can do that you know.
I had a dream once that I was in mexico.
And when I woke up,
there were pesos in my hands."

LOLZ. Worst mother ever.
But shes hilarious and drugged so it's fine.

I can feel it.

That all too familiar feeling...
like that time Iwas almost about to repel down the mountain but couldn't.
Teetering there,almost on the edge.
Inching closer.
Watching.
Waiting.
For that moment, when all my feet touch air.
When all I feel is the sensation of the fall.

A break down.
Sure as the distractions I've unconsiously been raising.
New books this week.
Mini re-break ups last.
All making sense.

But I dont want it.

Last year was enough of a drop.
I dont want any more.
To think... of how it'll probably just keep dragging on.
I can feel it.
The impression of how it is to pretend; the warning.

I can know now, that
all it was before was pretending.
The listless, bleak and unmotivated person that
I seem to be more and more often...
a true identity?
Or is it just the dark of winter?
Even though those clouds are slowly lifting unto a bright and promising spring..
the old scars linger.
The damage done then remains.
Perhaps...it's more.
More then I've thought.
Or maybe, I just think its more.
Maybe the real me is that pretender; a fake.
Is that what I want?

Of course not.
A silly question.

Today of all days I wish to be just a fictious character.
Written in ink, snippets of my life stamped across creamy paper...
the story.
I can see it even now.

And as things started to return to normalcy,
the foolish teenager second guessed herself.
Rebuilding the foundation that was once strong,
into a weak and crumbling,
yet majesticaly crafted lie.
The things most cherished,
forgotten.
The hates and dislikes embraced
with indifferece...

I really dont want to be this lifeless me.
I want to be free.
Like Dollface.
Like Gowri.
Like everyone I see at school, smiling so free.
Weightlessly floating through an existance that seems like nothing.
Gently shoving aside any irritants,
and flourishing into mindless adults at a startingly slow pace.

I dont really want that either, I think.
But perhaps it would be nice to try it...
to know.
Is the grass greener?
The sky brighter?
Hope looms closer when evils do
decide to take action and root deep unto your heart?

I am not as strong as I'd like to appear.
I can't let those closest to me in.
I cannot handle a meer weather pattern.
Fatigue and stress are visible in my smile,
in the circles under my eyes.
In my desire...
in my desire?
For what?
The future.
A time when perhaps I'll be okay.
A time when maybe I have a boyfriend and more then one 'real' friend.
That marked passage so sacred..so wanted.
Desire.

And now...it aches.
I wish even more to be a character,
a figment of imagination.
Created and put through the motions.
The happy endings always occur there,
even under the bleakest conditions, you know it lurks.
Real life has no such garantee.
I've no safe guard like so many 'heroic'
females that really do not save themselves.
Just have some sort of
epiphany and the story ends.

I'm afraid.
Of how it will end this time.
This time.
Like this is all routine now..
but Iam terrified.
Only once before.
And even then, I was still denying.

Who to tell..
who to tell.

My safe-guard.
Who?
I've no idea.
Gowri..so smart, yet so stupid.
Not wise enough to offer any guidence, but a good ear to ramble to.
My mother. So...distracted.
So out of the loop.
Not until the problem stares head-on does she react.
My father? Of course not.
My brother? No. It'd be a joke.
Jenn has enough problems..
and that leaves me with perhaps dollface.
But since discouvering she is well wanted,
it seems shes not much time for me
anymore.

Thats how it always starts.

How it always ends.
Even if I break it apart,
no matter who it is..
they are never as deeply cut as I am.
Me.
So fragile.
So strong.
A pretender.
Weak and wanting.

I want to reach...
to stretch towards comfort.
But perhaps I need to stand alone.
Though...I am unsure if I could stand without shaking.
Starting and earthquake and tumbling apart..
not just me, but my world.
School.
Friend.
Family.

I'm failing three courses.
Only one matters to me.
French.
My ticket into university.
That requirement I try to meet so furiously.
189 days...

A month and week or so.
All thats left.



Summer.
Not a bright door waiting to bring relife.
This time,
a cold dread I shudder to meet.

"Are you all right?"

She senses it.
She knows.
The one I never can trust.
Mother.
But I'm not ready to stop pretending.
And I wish she would just read my mind and solve the problems.
They want me to be grown up.
But I'm sick of acting as an adult.
I want to act my age for once.
An 8th grader without a care.
With friends and relationships,
with secrets and rumous to spread.
Without being bored..
with money and nice things..

One day.
But I'm starting to think that
maybe,
just this once,
'one day' might be coming
too late.

Thinking alot today.
Feeling..kinda down I guess.
I miss Thea.
Hell, she put me through so much..
but.. I miss her.
I really, really do.
I know I should just like..forget about it, and move on and just... not care.
But I can't help it.

LOL.
WHATEVER.
I dont care.
(Riiight. I'll just keep on saying that.
Maybe I'll start to believe it.)

Anyway.
Blastin' some JMAC.
Lol.

"Crazy, lets do something maybe..
please don't take your time.
You've got me
RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT MEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Yeahh.
I know.
It's a little too much.
I dont care.
This my friends, is THAT phase.
The one where I pretend and eventually believe.

Today was a strange day.
Shaved G-ri's armpits for her.
I suppose that will always be a memorable experience, lol.

It's funny how things are changing between us.
Today she asked me for shaving tips for
"Down there"
as she phrased it.

Last year we would have never talked about anything like that.
Last year, or even last month,
I'd never have dreamed of shaving her anysuch place, LOL.
But that was last year.
And I guess things have changed.

Oh well.
I like them this way.
We seem to be closer.
More like sisters then ever before.
Lol.
I couldn't survive without the crazy I think.

No wonder I always worry if she was kidnapped whenever she goes into a store at the mall by herself and takes forever.
And everytime I'm worried, she was just buying something for me so it's okay.

Tomorrow is her b-day party.
I hope it turns out everyway she wanted it.
<3

OMFG.
I just remembered about having set the blog to post something for 4/20.
I tried to laugh at that but kind of died from coughing.

So...
Not sure I'll be going to see City and Colour and Black Lungs and them.
But oh well.

Gowri's party is in a few days.
We're goign to playland and cool stuff like that.
Meh. IDK what I'm going to wear.
If I'm still sick, I'll go anyway.
I have to.
I mean.. it's her, lol.
Not to mention this'll be the party of the year and only a slelect few are invited.
XD

So..
not at school today.
Chatting it out with dollface and that.
Ended up catching a cold,
which sucks.
Because my head hurts and my throat hurts and it's hard to eat..
but it's good.
Why?
"Why could being sick possibly be good?"
BECAUSE
I can stay home, lol.
I slept from 11:20PM until 6AM.
Then, went back to sleep at 7:12AM, and then got woken up at 7:47,
only to sleep until 12.
I was going to sleep more but I probably have to go to school tomorrow.

Sunday was spent at Judy and Mason's house.
Mom came with, and per usual it was nice.
Until I decided to go bug him and see if he'd hang out with me.
BIG mistake.
See, I started throwing little pieces of paper at him,
and he got fucking so angry.
He jumps up after about an hour,
all angry,
so I run away towards the kitchen.
He like..storms in,
and slams the door and like..kicks stuff and shit.
Calls his mom a bitch,
calls me a bitch,
is all like "Why did you bring her here?".

Needless to say I was feeling kind of down since then.
Since..we're friends and all.
I thought at least.
I mean.. I've known him long enough.
But whatever.
Now there's different things on my mind.