I can feel it.

That all too familiar feeling...
like that time Iwas almost about to repel down the mountain but couldn't.
Teetering there,almost on the edge.
Inching closer.
Watching.
Waiting.
For that moment, when all my feet touch air.
When all I feel is the sensation of the fall.

A break down.
Sure as the distractions I've unconsiously been raising.
New books this week.
Mini re-break ups last.
All making sense.

But I dont want it.

Last year was enough of a drop.
I dont want any more.
To think... of how it'll probably just keep dragging on.
I can feel it.
The impression of how it is to pretend; the warning.

I can know now, that
all it was before was pretending.
The listless, bleak and unmotivated person that
I seem to be more and more often...
a true identity?
Or is it just the dark of winter?
Even though those clouds are slowly lifting unto a bright and promising spring..
the old scars linger.
The damage done then remains.
Perhaps...it's more.
More then I've thought.
Or maybe, I just think its more.
Maybe the real me is that pretender; a fake.
Is that what I want?

Of course not.
A silly question.

Today of all days I wish to be just a fictious character.
Written in ink, snippets of my life stamped across creamy paper...
the story.
I can see it even now.

And as things started to return to normalcy,
the foolish teenager second guessed herself.
Rebuilding the foundation that was once strong,
into a weak and crumbling,
yet majesticaly crafted lie.
The things most cherished,
forgotten.
The hates and dislikes embraced
with indifferece...

I really dont want to be this lifeless me.
I want to be free.
Like Dollface.
Like Gowri.
Like everyone I see at school, smiling so free.
Weightlessly floating through an existance that seems like nothing.
Gently shoving aside any irritants,
and flourishing into mindless adults at a startingly slow pace.

I dont really want that either, I think.
But perhaps it would be nice to try it...
to know.
Is the grass greener?
The sky brighter?
Hope looms closer when evils do
decide to take action and root deep unto your heart?

I am not as strong as I'd like to appear.
I can't let those closest to me in.
I cannot handle a meer weather pattern.
Fatigue and stress are visible in my smile,
in the circles under my eyes.
In my desire...
in my desire?
For what?
The future.
A time when perhaps I'll be okay.
A time when maybe I have a boyfriend and more then one 'real' friend.
That marked passage so sacred..so wanted.
Desire.

And now...it aches.
I wish even more to be a character,
a figment of imagination.
Created and put through the motions.
The happy endings always occur there,
even under the bleakest conditions, you know it lurks.
Real life has no such garantee.
I've no safe guard like so many 'heroic'
females that really do not save themselves.
Just have some sort of
epiphany and the story ends.

I'm afraid.
Of how it will end this time.
This time.
Like this is all routine now..
but Iam terrified.
Only once before.
And even then, I was still denying.

Who to tell..
who to tell.

My safe-guard.
Who?
I've no idea.
Gowri..so smart, yet so stupid.
Not wise enough to offer any guidence, but a good ear to ramble to.
My mother. So...distracted.
So out of the loop.
Not until the problem stares head-on does she react.
My father? Of course not.
My brother? No. It'd be a joke.
Jenn has enough problems..
and that leaves me with perhaps dollface.
But since discouvering she is well wanted,
it seems shes not much time for me
anymore.

Thats how it always starts.

How it always ends.
Even if I break it apart,
no matter who it is..
they are never as deeply cut as I am.
Me.
So fragile.
So strong.
A pretender.
Weak and wanting.

I want to reach...
to stretch towards comfort.
But perhaps I need to stand alone.
Though...I am unsure if I could stand without shaking.
Starting and earthquake and tumbling apart..
not just me, but my world.
School.
Friend.
Family.

I'm failing three courses.
Only one matters to me.
French.
My ticket into university.
That requirement I try to meet so furiously.
189 days...

A month and week or so.
All thats left.



Summer.
Not a bright door waiting to bring relife.
This time,
a cold dread I shudder to meet.

"Are you all right?"

She senses it.
She knows.
The one I never can trust.
Mother.
But I'm not ready to stop pretending.
And I wish she would just read my mind and solve the problems.
They want me to be grown up.
But I'm sick of acting as an adult.
I want to act my age for once.
An 8th grader without a care.
With friends and relationships,
with secrets and rumous to spread.
Without being bored..
with money and nice things..

One day.
But I'm starting to think that
maybe,
just this once,
'one day' might be coming
too late.