I couldn't hold it back today.
The thinking, I mean.
It's like holding your breath underwater.
Sooner or later, you're going to give.
And with that, there's a choice.
A choice that you dont always see,
or perhaps...dont want to see.
The choice to either stay under,
or surface.

Temptation,
is to stay under.
To hide.
It's an almost masochistic
option.
Inflicting pain unto your self,
being cowardly.
Silly.
But at the same time, you cannot help it.

The option that requires strength,
the other one.
To get your head above the water..
I've not been there in awhile.
I doubt I could accurately describe it anymore.

I doubt I could accurately describe me.
Well.
One word comes to mind.

Mess.

The same song is playing on repeat.
Did I mention I lost my psp?
Mhm.
Wasn't even upset by it, really.
Anyway.
It just keeps..playing.
Without even thinking, I go to it.
Even though it's a song I heard only once before.

'What a shame we all became
such fragile, broken things.
A memory remains
just a tiny spark.

I give it all my oxygen...'

But I'm not.
I wish I could say I tried my hardest.
To stay afloat.
To get back on the boat.
But I didn't.
And I'm running out of time..
time to fix this.
To fix everything.
It's hard.
There's people...could help maybe.
But they wouldn't understand.
No.
Not in that "Oh..no one understands me. I hate the world.
Fuck this."
Kind of way.
But in the way that is... "If you haven't been here..where I am,
you won't have the faintest idea. Dont even try to pretend you know
what you're talking about."

So anyway.
I was holding it away.
The feeling.
That feeling.
The one that burns, stings.
Like anger, drenched in sadness with a hint of
sickness.

I sneezed a bit ago,
just about took all my energy.
This wont be able to go on much longer.
It isn't like last year,
when I had the concert to look forward to.
No.
This is different.
My head aches.
I want to go to bed.
I wish I could.

I want to be a coward.
The sort of girl that doesn't care.
I wish I could actually want that.
Because I dont.
No matter how I try to convince myself I dont care,
and how much I want to be that girl..

My brain just isn't buying it.
It's thundering.
I gotta go.