Discontinued until further notice.

I don't feel like keeping this blog anymore.

Should the time come that I feel like it,

I shall update.

Until then...

nothing.

Just got back from work a bit ago, fucking exhausted.

No worries about the whole beer thing, we had 2 people that were only pouring because no one  else had their serving thing, or whatever. They weren't allowed.

There were a lot of drunk people, though, it was insane.

And so loud. Not too terribly busy, though.

My feet kill right now.

Gotta go to bed real soon because I have to be ready tomorrow for 10;30AM.

We start work at 11 because doors open at 12. 

Staying the night over at jenns tmrw, because the hills finale.

jenn got a dog, is some sort of pitbull crossed thing they got for free.

Is still pretty young, and seems vvvv nice.

I'm going to go now, b/c I am sore all over and I really just want to like, fall into my bed and not move for several hours.

Just off the key of reason.

Rescued the drawing as much as I could, wasn't as much drama as I figured.

I just covered up the mistake with a big ruffley thing, ha.

Still need to add a few more touches, but it's pretty much done.

Gotta shower soon at get ready for work, because Crystal called this morning and told me to be ready at around 3. Everything is in a semi-normal, fragile state between us all just now, but whatever. Not looking forward to my work clothes, or to the craziness that will be monster trucks.

Probably won't get out of work until sometime in the AM.

I won't be surprised if I fall asleep on the drive, honestly.

So um...yeah.

I dunno. 

Just going to relax for a bit before I have to go.

Just woke up.

It's been super hot for a long while.

Did I tell about my sunburn?

I don't remember.

But yes, I'm slightly burnt on my arms, chest and face.

My legs are super pale.

Me and jenn were outside, and I was swimming in the pool they got for the kids a little bit with jj and tye and whatever, and then I went and sat with jenn because she was tanning, and my legs were seriously so pale they were like, glowing.

It looked ridiculous against the more normal coloured rest of me, because my arms have been gathering a bit of colour and whatever else is above the waist that is usually displayed in tanktops or tshirts, etc.  

Gotta re-draw what I drew yesterday, since I am pretty sure the paint ruined it.

But whatever, It'll turn out better there were somethings I wanted to fix. Like the hands, and feet.

 I'm getting a handle on hands, but feet...eh. I'm having trouble finding a good angle to draw a heel of some sort, they always end up in flats.

I am working tomorrow, and there was just this big crap because   Kristie, and everyone.

And I did a lot of talking on the phone to crystal, and then to jenn, and then to crystal, and then to jenn. 

Working tomorrow 4-whenever. 

Not very tired, but I should go to bed soon anyway.

Bought some paint and a new sketch book at wal-mart earlier, forgot to mention.

Since I got this really awesome fashion illustration/design book at the bookstore, not sure if I even have mentioned that. But whatev. So yeah.

Drew this great thing and was going to paint it, but it got kind of fucked up because I was on the phone and then I had to deal with this all and blah blah blah.

I wanted watercolours, but they didn't have it so I have something else and that's probably why, as well. I don't know.

I don't really care, I'll find a use for it I'm sure.

There isn't much else to say.

I don't really feel like bothering to go on.

Crystal isn't working tomorrow because she doesn't have her food safe, so she can't.

Now she is fucking over me and jenn, at pretty much the last moment because it's too late now to even think about getting a ride.

And Kristie is all pissed off, for like no reason. It doesn't even have anything to do with her!

And me & jenn both paid crystal money, so this is just fucked. She'll pay us back, but still.

I'm pissed, and I hate that I'm losing my job because of someone else.

I really liked this one, besides the crappy uniforms.

I don't want to have to stop now.

I don't care anymore.

Well, about some things I do.

But mostly?

I'm done.

I don't feel like going much into detail about it.

But really?

I'm not depressed right now.

This is me.

This is me being sick and tired.

At all the wrong people, too.

Current//10//

'Everything Is Alright' - Motion City Soundtrack.

'Bixby Canyon Bridge' - Death Cab For Cutie.

'Horizons' - An Horse.

'I Don't Mind (jump on it)' - Lykke Li.

'Winter Sun' - Balance Problems.

'Past In Present' - Feist.

'New Again' - Taking Back Sunday.

'Creator' - Santigold.

'The Cold, the Dark, and the Silence' - Sea Wolf.

'I Think About You Everyday' - A Rocket To The Moon.

On iTunes, it's titled as 'wanna hear your name'

I didn't make it 'I wanna...' because I already have a billion playlists on there

with 'i' at the beginning. Makes it hard to sort them out. (:

Went to the mall.

Got two billabong tshirts, a pair of jeans.

A cute pair of AE flats. A pair of peace sign earrings.

A book on fashion illustration, which I ended up getting 10% off on because

I was struggling on wether or not I wanted to buy it, since it cost like 30$.

Manager was working the till, and we talked a little bit. She asked if I was student, and I said yes.

She said "for this?" motioning to the book, but I shook my head and said "No. I want to, but...I can't. Yet. I love to design, and I think if I don't get this I'll regret it."

part of the cover was a little bit warped, but I hadn't noticed. She did and said she would give me the discount. I said thank you a whole bunch of times, and she said it was okay because it was in her authority. And it was also okay, because someone could've complained about it...

but I think she was just taking it easy on me, because after the second time I said thanks while I was leaving, she said "It's okay. We all know what it's like to be a struggling student." 

I think she assumed I was in college or something, and that kind of made me want to giggle.

I had a big smile on my face for a while after that though.

Today has been a good day. I've seen a lot of good things and I got a lot of amazing deals.

Not just good as in what is for sale, but good in people.

There were these little kids on the bus.

One maybe about 2, and then another about 3/4, sitting with their mom.

This other little girl got on, and she had some peppermint candies. She reached across the aisle and gave them each one, just a little random act of sharing that I thought was so cute.

Jenn phoned while I was gone, something about having to go into work to get pay?

She isn't answering now, though and they probably already went to get theirs without me.

And knowing that things'll probably close at five, I will have to wait until tomorrow.

I don't mind, though. 

I went to get the charger for my battery, but they were sold out.

I have to wait until next week, so. Hopefully I can get that soon.

Was reading dollface's blog, she's having a bad day.

I wish we could talk now, but something about the wifi being lame, so.
I'll just have to hope it'll stop being stupid and we'll get a chance.

Just woke up.

It's very stormy out, and I'm still pretty tired.

Anyway.

Umm. Might get to do that shopping that

I didn't get to do the other day, and that'll be fun  I guess.

Right now, probably just going to listen to some music and

play some dragon warrior IV.

I'm so close to beating chapter four, I can't wait.

I've been trying to beat this game for like, ever.
But I kept getting stuck in chapter 2.

But now, no. And that's great.

I like the way I look when I just wake up.

Is cute.

No pics, though because I don't feel like wrestling with the webcam.(:

We're having speghetti for dinner.

Today sucks.

Finally got my camp potlatch stuff in the mail, so that I can register.

I'm excited, it will be fun.

Seeing the little informational thing made getting woken up out of a deep sleep worth it, ha.

I miss being able to post LB photos, very much.

But oh well, soon enough I shall be back to my

practically paprazzi type ways. (:

Just gotta get dressed soon, an then...IDK.

Walk the dog, I guess.

Probably going to jenns later to watch The Hills,

and have a good dinner. Like old times, haha.

Only it hasn't really been that long.

Work this weekend.

NTS: WASH YOUR PANTS.

AND GET THE FUZZY STUFF OFF YOUR HAT.

Just got in from playing outside with Jaylin.

She is over for a bit, and we were outside blowing bubbles and then we

played with the hose.

I got soaked, and she got a bit wet.

For awhile I just lay in the grass, and the sun was shining on down there was a slight breeze.

The ground was warm, and it just felt good to just stay there for awhile.

And then when we were done, we sat on the porch and dried off and mom brought us out some ice cream. Then we got changed.

I went back outside for a bit, though and just sat in a chair on the porch,

my hair all lemon-ey. 

I've been wearing shorts like all day.

I kind of miss being in a sweater and jeans, though.

Bit of a headache. Might change soon, IDK.

Wondering where Amy is.

Happy that dinner is going to be so good.

It'll be the meatloaf and mashed potatoes we were supposed to have the other day, but it ended up being too warm for a long while so we just kind of forgot about it.

LOLing, because i hung my wet bra up in the bathroom and my dad hates that.

He hasn't said anything though, so. A bit dissapointing.

Have 2 dollars left over from the other day.

Thinking about walking up to the store and gettin ga slurpee, since I haven't had

one of those in a long time.Might just wait to do it tomorrow, though.

Everyone is out since it is a weekend, and tomorrow there will be no one if I go at the right time.

Hmm.

http://www.latfh.com/

For when a good dose of LOLZ is in order.

I don't remember if I already mentioned this, but I wanted to anyway.

I sent away for some random stickers today, I love stickers.

And they're free. (:

You know how I feel about free stuff.

My hair looks cute today:

And the headphone bracelet I made yesterday and forgot to post:

Ha, my hand looks really giant there.

Just thinking about what to wear, probably walking the dog after I shower, which will be after what I first mentioned.

Ummmm...

really need to start a new blog today to put crap in about random shit so I can have

something as my 'blog' for LB, ha.

Silly reason, but I have nothing else to do until dollface is online. (:

Sounds Of Summer.

'About To Walk' - Throw Me The Statue.

'Bixby Canyon Bridge' - Death Cab For Cutie.

'Blankets In The Grass' - Balance Problems.

'Brightest Hour' - The Submarines.

'British Columbia' - The Elected.

'Camp Out' - An Horse.

'The Canals Of Our City.' - Beirut.

'Catastrophe' - Forever The Sickets Kids.

'Catch My Fall' - Katy Rose.

'Crash Into Me' - Dave Mathews Band.

'Creator' - Santigold.

'Dinner Bells' - Wolf Parade.

'Do It Again!' - You, Me, And Everyone We Know.

'Drinking, Thinking, Sinking, Feeling' - Slow Club.

'From The Second I Wake Up' - Valencia.

'Gold Fever' - The Wind Whistles.

'Graves' - Tokyo Police Club.

'Hands Down' - Dashboard Confessional.

'Holland, 1945' - Neutral Milk Hotel.

'I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me + You) - Fall Out Boy.

'I Don't Mind (Jump On It)' - Lykke Li.

'I Feel It All' - Feist.

'I Just Do' - Dear and the Headlights.

'I Miss You' - Blink 182.

'In A Cave' - Tokyo Police Club.

'It's Amateur Night At The Appollo Creed!' - Cobra Starship.

'The Jimmy Choo's' - Chester French.

'Just Stay' - Kevin Devine.

'Kill The Director' - The Wombats.

'Let's Get Out Of This Country' - Camera Obscura.

'Make Believe'  - Thornley.

'Me And You' - Slow Club.

'Mi Corazon' - Entertainment For The Braindead.

'Polite Dance Song' - The Bird and The Bee.

'Postcards' - An Horse.

'Rain' - Bishop Allen.

'Read My Mind' - The Killers.

'Run In The Front' - Dear and the Headlights.

'She Loves Everybody' - Chester French.

'Sillhouettes' - Swimming With Dolphins.

'Smile Heavy' - Black Moth Super Rainbow.

'Something About Owls' - Balance Problems.

'Sugar, We're Goin Down' - Fall Out Boy.

'Sunday' - Sia.

'Sweet Thing' - Alice In Videoland.

'Three Colours' - Sunset Rubdown.

'a Trace' - Entertainment For The Braindead.

'Uh Huh' - Forever The Sickest Kids.

'Used To Be' - Beach House.

'Waste Myself' - This Providence.

'Winter Sun' - Balance Problems.

'The World Has It's Shine [But I Would Drop It On A Dime]' - Cobra Starship.

'Your Life And Mine' - Just Surrender.

----

I know the one 'Winter Sun' isn't exactly summery sounding, but..it reminds me of summer in a lot of ways. (:

I ended up wearing the dress anyway.

The sun is out, and I took the dog out after my shower and 

let my hair dry in the warmth.

It's soft and smells like conditioner more than it usually does.

And my skin smells like the coconut butter lotion, like they both just kind of 

got baked in and are here to stay.

This is summer, and I love it.

I sprayed the lemon-ey 'natural streak' sun-in stuff into my hair,

because the blonde bits that get coaxed out by the sun are always my favourite.

Usually I let them happen naturally, but I've missed them too long and will hurry up the process now.

My dad went to the store, and got me some peaches.

I've been craving them.

And even though they aren't as juicy and large as they get later on,

they were still yummy and I could've gladly aten all three right away,

but that would be selfish.

I will probably eat the pear mom got for me the other day, though.

I've been neglecting the oranges.

They're the large ones with tough peels, and they're also too much work for me to want to eat the whole thing. I think I'll use one and make a yummy icey drink like the one I made out of the mango puree stuff. Then sit on our rotting porch in the sun and listen to summery songs.

I'll compile a list of the songs I've been adoring lately and post that next, promise. (:

Not sure what to wear today.

Still not really sure, ha.

Kind of saving my dress, because I know if I wear it randomly

I'll later have a reason to, and then be like "WHY DID I WEAR IT, DAMN IT. WHYYY!?"

Ha, so yeah.

It's going to be warm.

I don't have many clothing for the warm days, I'm realizing.

I mean, there's skirts.

But I only have one I really love, and that used to be a dress. =/

I have shorts...but my shirts fit awkwardly with them.

Gotta take a shower, I never did yesterday.

GASP, you say?

I only cheated and washed my hair.

Sneaky, I know.

No idea what's down for today.

I went into the kitchen, and saw dumplings cooking away in the steamer.

Yumyumyum.

I'll probably just sprawl myself out in the grass for a while, try and get some sun on myself.

Seriously, I'm so pale I practically glow in the sunlight.

The sun reflects off all the whiteness, or something.

Like, there's this invisible forcefeild that stops all rays, but not the sunburn.

Joking, of course.

If you can't laugh at your self...who /can/ you laugh at?

Losets, sure. But that's about it, and though it would be fun,

it wouldn't be fun as laughing at the losers too.

Went to the mall again, today.

Because mom came into a bit of money, and she hooked me up.

Got the cutest dress at Off The Wall.

It doesn't look as cute as it actually is, because you can't see because the webcam sucks.

But, it is great.

And it fits really well, and IRL you can tell a bit better.

I will take better pics when I get the camera charger, ha.

Also got book 5 in the morganville vampire series, because I finished 'Privilege'  Kate Brian this morning and that was somethin I was going to buy yesterday but decided against.

So yeah. I hit the bookstore first, and then went up to OTW.

And thenn...after that, I called my mom at the payphone because she told me to check in with her. And then...I wandered around, wondering what to spend the last 6 or so dollars I had on.

I ended up over by purdys chocolates, and got some icecream because I hadn't had their icecream in so long, and it's so good.

Got a cup with one scoop of coconut, with white chocolate as my topping.

Yum.

So...yeah. Ate icecream, and walked out towards the bus.

Stopped and sat in the sun for a bit once I was outside, enjoyed my icecream and people watched. It was warm!

I loved it.

I wore jeans, with this striped white& grey billabong dress I lent to jenn a longtime a go and didn't get back until a few days ago,..as a tanktop. Because it has this one part that's like..the waist-band kind of, and it's tighter. So I  tucked up the bottom of it and it was just like a shirt.

A little more low-cut and tighter than I'm used to, but I looked good.

And I wore it with my blue and white cardigan, unbottoned with the sleeves rolled up because it was so warm. It looked really cute and effortlessly put together.

I'd show pics, but I'm changed out of that now.

I will take some when I get the camera charger.

Ha.

Seems like there is a long line of things waiting to be photographed.

I just finished reading one of the books I bought.

It was a good choice, certainly.

A Map Of The Known World, by Lisa Ann Sandell.

It was one of the most...real books I've ever read.

Cora (the main character) has her ups and downs.

One day is good, the next is crushing.

Of course, that resonated with me.

She has a lot of courage. Can tell how she feels so much better

than I ever seem to be able.

Especially at the one part, when this one thing happens and

she says "I'm hurting so much right now, I don't know how to breathe."

There is a lot of truth. The beginning starts out lush, and full of details.

And they linger on throughout the book, but by the end you're consumed

and you just want to know, how it ends. The end isn't very good, compared to how

you get there. And the author's writing style can be kind of confusing, just how

she goes from one thing and then to the next, trying to fit it all in.

But it works, and I like it a lot.

It wasn't perfect, and that's endearing.

I cried. And wanted to cry, through a lot of other parts.

There is only two other books that really made me cry.

'Just Listen'  - Sarah Dessen made me cry.

And this other book, book 5 in the young wizards series, or something.

I don't really remember. I got it from the library, and the girls mom was going to 

die from cancer. I'd read all the other ones, but this one was one I really connected with because

how my mom has so many things wrong with her, and how there's been times

that I've been scared.

I read and read and read and read, and now it's 12:31AM.

I remember finishing, and being surprised when I looked at the clock.

Reading this book makes me want to right.

And to draw something, anything.

It's so late, though.

I don't know if I can sleep.

I can't even listen to music properly and drift away, because one earphone just doesn't seem to cut it. The balance is off, and it just doesn't sound right.

There is an old pair burried at the bottom of one of my desk drawers, with all the forgotten schoolwork from years before. I will see if those work. 

Right now, downloading music.

Basking in the after-reading glow.

Despite this, though...there are still things that are worrying me.

Different things than I am used to, because I am not used to this

fragile kind of state when it comes to friendship.

I'm wearing  this bracelet I made a few days ago.

Five silver-ish buttons I found in my bag of buttons on a simple string of navy stuff that's for crocheting. There's a six I had to tie on so I could clasp it.

5 years, pretty much the time that me and tany were friends.
I thought this was fitting, because  on the other side buttons there was 

'nada nuff' imprinted in, all around the edge of the one side.

Not enough. 

It wasn't enough, at all. There should've been at least that sixth year, at least to have earned

the last button on the end like something forgotten.

They say everything happens for a reason, though.

And I am sure that even if it is not clear,

there is something. Some result, that shouldn't too terrible.

It will still take me a while to get there.

I kind of fell down, and just stayed down.

Lying on a hard ground, unsure of where to go.

There is only one way, though. Back up, to try again.

This is my life, right now. It hasn't paused and it isn't going to wait.

I don't know what to do, still. And my limbs still feel weak, and I am still full of hurt.

But I can be strong, and push through everything else.

And when I do, I will be better for it.

There is nothing else to say besides that.

I do feel lonely though. All day today, especially sitting on the bus by myself.

It was hard not to think of other days, when it was warmer and the synthetic feel of the seats stuck to any part of me that was bare. Days when there was constant chatter, and laughter. I used to laugh so much. So, so, so much. So hard that I got used to the aching in my sides and belly, and the lightheadedness of not being able to breathe temporarily because I was too busy giggling. I feel like there is a constant tightness in my face, and a frown. Sometimes smiling feels like a show put on for someone else, and I feel like someone else. 

It shouldn't be that way,  that's why I try so hard.

I am rambling. And thinking, too much.

It is late. And I should try to sleep now before tomorrow is lost to me.

Today, actually. Today.

I doubt that this hope will stay all day, but I can hope that it will while

the feeling is still with me.

 It is 1:00AM exactly.

Goodnight, before I continue on any more.

Just got back a while a go.

Was fun.

Got two books, and got to get out of the house.

Just waiting for some dinner now, and...yeah.

Headphones broke just as I was leaving the mall, and just after I had finished spending the last bit of my money.

SUCKSS.

Kind of like they're saying "I told you so."

But...whatever.

They still kind of work.

Only in one ear, but whatever...

it'll do for now.

Mom and Dad got some more groceries today, at T&T Supermarket.

We got some pork dumplings, and some asian-style  bbq pork, and bbq duck.

We used to live right across the street from T&T, so we used to always get this kind of stuff.

And egg rolls.

Yummy.

Still waiting to get a hold of crystal.

Feeling very bored, and something else I can't quite place.

Today has been a good day.

First, i made a cute face out of the orange I was eating...

And then the mail came!

I got my ChickAdvisor Review Club chocolate!

It's nestle noir mousse delicate.

I get milk and dark chocolate, like the entire box thing of each which isl ike 20 chocolates.

For free, which is the best part.

I just have to review it.

Tried them, and damn they are good.

Not just saying that, I honestly liked it and would consider

buying it again.

OH. 11:11.

And, I even managed to make a wish on time.

Just a second ago.

I'm thinking today will be good.

I'm glad. (:

Usual turn of events has happened.

My mother has decided that no,

she did not tell me she would give me money today,

she meant later on in the month. 

When I know damn well, she's a liar.

I will not be going to the mall to shop until I can shop no more, afterall.

Instead, if I get my paycheck ( even that could not turn up today.)

I will have to save a lot of it for blink-182 tix.

I will have to buy a new pair of headphones, because my current pair has decided to die on

me in one of my most wanting moments.

I will have to buy a camera charger.

And that doesn't leave me with much at all.
Maybe if I'm lucky I can manage to get myself a book or something, at least.

Just woke up.

Listening to some music, gotta get dressed and that.

Didn't have a very good sleep, and it took me forever to even fall asleep, sucked.

Not sure what I'm going to wearr today.

Something comfy, haha.

And not too complicated, because trying stuff on never works when you're wearing a lot of things.

Looks like it's pretty miserable out.

Damn.

Well, I dunno.

I've got things to do, so. I guess I better...get them done.

EDIT: just read some stuff online. As far as I know, FOB isn't playing the blink concert on my date. Hopefully I atleast get PATD. )':

I just reread everything I just typed.

I feel like a loser, and I kind of want to just delete it all.

That always feels like a lie, though.

I've got a headache.

Shopping tomorrow, hopefully it isn't raining.

I really need to grab a new pair of shoes, I'll have to be on the lookout.

We start work again in a few dayss, that'll be good.

I've been missing it. However tiring it is, it's still pretty fun. I will admit.

Stressfull and exhausting, but fun.

And it just fills up my mind, and there isn't any time for anything else until later.

It will be great to be taking pictures again.

Hopefully, all goes well with that.

Going to make sure to hit the bookstore, too.

Main thing is clothes though.

It seems like I have a lot, but I really don't.

Even if I had a lot, I'd still get more clothes.

Can't ever have too many.

What else am I going to save for, anyway?

School?

Ha.

Yeah right.

As if I can even manage to finish what I've already started.

I mean, it's not that I can't. But now with all of this, I don't even have my guitar to work on that.

My tutor quit, because she was confused by that fuck-up when I was unregistered from math for a bit there, and mom hasn't gotten a hold of her yet, despite the growing dead-line.

Or maybe she just figured it would be quite hopeless when she found out the time that I would have to be done on. Plus, I haven't gotten my books and that for the new courses.

It's just such a mess.

If schooling is fucked, my life is basically fucked.

Sure, I'll have a lot of job experience to maybe get a not-so-bad job.

But do I really want to be something stupid like a cashier for the rest

of my life? Of course not. 

There's still what happened the other day, freaking me out.

With me, I mean.

What happened with me the other day.

I don't even have anything to say about that,

it's pretty bad.

I really need to have a talk with Dollface tomorrow.

All the details aren't on the table, and maybe she'll be able to

at least understand.

If not, well.

It wouldn't be the first time  a very good friend is no longer my friend.

The first time it was over something much stupider, so

I'm sure it's possible.

What would I do?

Well. I know what would happen.

I don't know how much I even care if I have to go through something like that again.

If I'm going to hurt, it might as well be a lot.

Go big or go home, right?

It'd probably be something I deserve anyway, for one reason

or another.

I dunno. I just can't stop thinking.

I try to turn to something else, but my brain

only has a couple things on it's playlist, I guess.

And, they're all set on repeat.

Today will still be a good day, I'm not going to be bothered by silly things.

Or so I'm telling myself, but I've got contradicting thoughts running around in my mind.

It's Brandon's birthday.

We were supposed to go, but Chris is still sleeping.

Me and Jenn went to the store with Tye and JJ, got  a present for Brandon,

food, and then dropped them off for the party.

Probably going home later.

Me & Jenn are making a good dinner.

We picked up one of those yummy already cooked chickens, 

and got some potato and pasta salad, and then a baguette.

I made my yummy mushroom and  cheesey pasta, minus the spinich.

It was good.

Lol,  I started writing this a long time ago, but now it is like 9;30 and past

the time we ate and I'm home.

Pretty upset now about fighting with dollface.

She says I started it, and thinking about it..that's not really true.

She was going on and on, and I just started to get defencive.

It's not like I just JUMPED in about it to her, it was more escalated.

Besides, she was being mean about what she was saying, she was saying it

in a mean-ish way, I would say. I don't know.

I don't really want to go on about it, she is the only one that reads my blog anyway.

Change of plans: bbq @ crystals house w/ Jenn, Kristie and everyone else.

Lotsss of people, lotssss of fun.

Edit:

I hand squeezed a bunch of limes and one lemon so that I could have a yummy ice drink, 

but while I was blending the ice with the hand held blender-thing, it sprayed everywhere.

So I let go of the blender thing and left it in the cup, so scoop out the wet sugar out of the sugar cup.

The blender made the cup topple over, and there was a big pulpy mess everywhere,and I was like "LOL."

Some juice was left in the very bottom of the cup, so I got one sip. Was good.

So then after that, I pulled out this can of purreed mangos we've had for a while,

and me and mom blended ice (in a bigger container, and more carefully,LOL) and then

I added lime after and we put in sugar and there was lots of ice, and it was yummyyyy.

Actually, feeling better.

Walked the dog.

It's sunny and warm, feels like summer.

Smells like summer.

Must be summer.

Going after dinner to dads boat.

To sun, and sit around and do...something?

I don't know. Fun things, hopefully.

Maybe I'll even get some swimming in, or boating or something of that sort.

You never know, really.

We'll probably be there until about tuesday.

As far as I know, there will be no internet.

I'll bring my laptop just incase, and for ipod charging purposes.

Sucks not going to be having the camera, but I'll make do.

I just came in from blowing bubbles.

They didn't last long, like the other day.

But they were pretty nonetheless.

I was in a semi-good mood.

But Jenn was over here doing something for mom, or whatever.

And then they ended up fighting and blah blah blah.

And after mom was talking to my dad about it,

and then she came to tell me about it and I'm just like "No, I don't want to hear it."

but she keeps going on. And on. And on, and on. And I just...I don't.

Might as well just write off this day along with the two before it, I don't

see it picking up anytime soon.

Just woke upp....

sitting around, probably not going to be online much today.

Mom was thinking about us going to dads boat today, to hang out.

Not sure if that is going to happen.

If we do, it will suck because I don't have my camera.

And there are always these swans that hang out at the moorage.

I had weird dreams that I don't really remember,

but I get the impression they didn't make much sense.

Been thinking deep thoughts.

Trying to sort myself out.

Found this cool site, called loudcrowd.

When you click onto the 'about' page,

it first says: Loudcrowd: where music meets play, gaming meets people,  people play with people, and encounter squirrels, cupcakes and toast that like music.  

All in all, just sounds like one big giant good time, right?

I've been playing for like an hour, and it is what it sounds like.

Good music, too. I'm about to download some more Santigold.

Also, something called Bumblebeez, and this other things called Van She.

Then, bed.

Wake up: tell-all time/confession. (I DIDN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING THAT I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D GET EXTREMELY WORRIED ABOUT ME AND I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE THAT THAT IS NECESSARY.)

Hopefully I keep this clear-headedness.

I feel like myself right now, earlier all day, I didn't.

I don't really know, but I was literally just all over the place

emotionally and just really...not okay.

I don't know how things will go tomorrow/later today,

but hopefully it won't be like yesterday.

Hopefully, nothing is ever like how I felt yesterday.

I was thinking about not even coming online at all, because I knew this would happen because it always does.

Amy feels bad for whatever reason, and I don't want her to.

That isn't fair.

Besides that, but still related to this subject.

Today has been worse, if anything.

I'm thinking things I haven't thought in a long time,

and shouldn't think about. I don't know what to do.

A part of me is trying to say that this will pass and I will be fine.

But theres this hollow sort of aching like a 'just before crying' feeling in my body,

and I can't seem to shake it. And it's telling me, no.

There isn't anything that I want to do.

Maybe go to the beach. It's always such a calming place,

with the sand and the ocean smell and the endless waves stretching on

and on and on... and the wood of the dock that's all worn and probably has more salt on it than a salt factory. Usually windy, and your hair blows all over and it's a feeling like being completely free but your feet are still on the ground. But the beach is far away, and even if  I had a way to go I don't think I would today. It's already too late, like so many other things.

I feel bad about not being around  earlier when dollface had wanted me to be.

It's awful what may happen, and I want to be the comforting person I always try

to be for her even if I can manage nothing else.

I'm feeling much better now.

Played DW4, and beat chapter 3 finally.

Started working on chapter 4, but I'm going to go to bed now.

My headache is worse and I am tiredd, so.

Yeah.

Sleepytime.

Currently been listening to:

the killers,

chester french,

balance problems,

entertainment for the braindead,

radical face,

faded paper figures.

Feeling a little bit sad.

It started earlier, but didn't really hit until now.

It was when I was talking to dollface, about how today

I was just lazy all day.

Because I spent most of it trying to beat  Dragon Warrior IV, since I got to chapter 

3 last night and I wanted to finish it.

And because I was wearing sweats, and hadn't taken a shower.

She said it was okay to be lazy and just chill some times, that worrying about looks can be stressful.

I said, it just felt weird because I hadn't done this sort of thing for a long time.

And I was thinking about it later, and I was like 'I haven't done this in a long time because Tany isn't here.' Mostly because I've been keeping busy so I think of her less, but also because that was what we would do. Sleepovers with snacks. Browsing things online and chatting and gossiping and cracking jokes. Listening to music, sometimes I would read a book. Sometimes we would play audition. Sometimes, watch a movie. She practically lived at my house, and for so long I barely had to notice the things that everyone else was doing, because we were having fun. 

I haven't been sad like this about her in a long time.

Things were just starting to get back into place, and...

I think that's why. Because I know I'm starting to move on from this.

But I don't want to.

I wish things could be how they used to be, but I know

that even if we started talking again, they never could be.

Maybe they could've been, if she made an effort to return my phone calls.

I shouldn't want her to go against what her family wants, but I can't help it.

I hate that she hasn't tried, and now there's no chance because our number has changed

as it often does.

And it's just so hard.

We spent nearly every single day together, and then one day...

one day she was just gone from my life. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I hate this house.

I can't cry loud like I want to.

This silent sort of teary way isn't satisfying at all.

I need the sort of crying that shakes your entire self and 

is so loud you wonder how you could ever make those sort

of sounds come out. 

I'm not going to get that, though.

I wasn't feeling like this for the majority of today, though.

Today was a good day.

I downloaded some more good music, played some fun videogames.

Jenn was supposed to pick me up, but that didn't end up happening so I 

don't think it will be tonight. That's another sore subject, but I'm not going to get into that just now because I don't feel like being like this. I am so sick of being this way, I can't even stand myself. 

So, I don't want to feel this way. I am not going to feel this way.

Instead, I am going to focus on the peaceful feeling I had yesterday while playing outside with the kids. We made a fort out of sheets, we tied them to this tree.

And this one pink silky scarf/sari-thing. I remember the pink fabric blowing with the breeze, the sun shining through it. The sound the grass and leaves made as the wind moved them, and the colour the sky was - chalky blue with bits of sunset orange. And I blew bubbles later, and they were the biggest I've ever done. They floated so high in the sky, and I remember I was listening to 'mi corazon' by Entertainment for the Braindead, and the feel of the music seemed to fit the colours in the yard and how I was feeling. I didn't really hear the lyrics, it was more just the sound of the vocals and the sound of things. That was a good afternoon, I had fun running around and doing cartwheels to impress Jaylin. 

Me and Jenn are thinking about going to playland when we get our pay, because for a long time she couldn't go on the rides due to pregnancy.

This time, we are going on everything and it will be fun. 

I have a good idea on how to bleach a shirt, and I can't wait to try it out.

I just need to find a shirt that would be suitable, and then...away I will go.

I have a headache, so I will end this blogpost soon.

I'm feeling a bit better.

Not really happy, not really sad.

Kind of numb, and not really here. 

I'll probably go to bed early.

Tomorrow will be another day.

A brighter day.

I'm sure of it.

Just found out some exciting news about the Blink-182 tour this summer.

Tix go on sale may 30, and they are coming here on the second date of the tour,

July 28. REALLY great assortments of bands that could be playing. Excited for FALL OUT BOY, Panic At The Disco, Taking Back Sunday, Asher Roth, All-American Rejects. No idea who or if all will be there, but that would be amazing. 

Actually, it's not going to snow.

It's just going to rain.

I can deal.

Lots of music downloading today.

A lot of old favourites got updated,

a few new things.

Just going to get showered and take the dog out soon.

Nothing better to do, really.

Could this day get worse?

Maybe.

Maybe it could.

Camera charger is not working.

And the battery is dead.

Will not be able to get a new one for...about a week still.

I'm not happy.

Also, it is supposed to rain and SNOW tomorrow.

It is MAY. M-A-Y.

MAY!

THE MONTH AFTER APRIL.

WHICH IS THE MONTH AFTER MARCH.

WHICH IS THE MONTH AFTER FEBRUARY.

WHICH IS THE MONTH WHERE THE SNOW IS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING STOP.

    

Just hanging at Jenns place now.

Maybe going to Kristie's for dinner.

Jaylin was missing me, so I ended up coming over.

Is better anyway, because we were having chicken at home

and I really haven't wanted chicken lately, ha.

Didn't have a very good start to today, but I'm fine.

Just chilling for a bit, not really sure what I'll be 

doing in my day. Probably just hang out here,meh.

I seriously, like....just had a nap.

For like 2 hours, lol.

I was on the computer, there was nothing to do and nobody online

so I'm like "Fuck it." closed it, and just kind of like layed on my bed with the

light on and trying to sleep because I was just like, not even caring.

I was out of my comfortable work clothes, at least.

I slept from like 7-9, woke up and totally could've just slept straight through.

Feet still kill, and the rest of me is a bit sore too.

Going to have a hot shower soon.

I'd have a bath, but the water DOES NOT stay warm for very long, and I hate that.

Once I'm in, I like to be able to relax...can't do that, is lame.

Probably just going to read for a bit or something, then go back to sleep.

No work until May 30 - 31st, and then no more work until June 4-5.

30+31 is monster trucks.

IDK about the other, ha.

Not sure how I feel other than tired.

Haven't had any thoughts besides work all day.

AND OMG.

Today was like our ''official'' opening and we were just giving away hotdogs and drinks.

And we were there early, so we had to go down to the kitchen to help.

So we were at this counter.

And it was this guy (who's actually the son of the head security, and he's funny. Y

ounger than me, though, and we didn't have much time to talk. Anyway.) and then jenn, and then me.

And Tanner was putting the hotdogs in the buns, and then me and Jenn were putting them in these stupid bags, and a lot of the buns didn't quite fit and we had to make them fit. And we had to do like 16 000. It took everyone that was working in the kitchen like an hour to do 1000, and it was so boring and annoying and my feet were already hurting then.

And the smell was just awful, I am so sick of hotdogs and if I never see another one I will be so happy. I was like "Dude, I am seriously going to have like dreams about hotdog

s flying at me, I swear. I have never seen so many in my life...this is awful." or whatever, and jenn was like "Yeah. Hotdogs chasing you and being like "HEY. HOW ABOUT I STIC

K YOU IN A BUN AND THEN IN A BAG, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?!" and there were so many dirty jokes about weiners, it's was hilarious. And so, so wrong.

I wanted to be sick, I was a bit crampy and that suckedd.

Got through the entire day, though.

And that was good.

More much needed rest will commence now. Or soon.

EDIT:

Me & Jenn outside on our break the first day.

And then, a picture of my bruise/scrape/thing.

It's kind of crappy, because I had to take it where the lighting wasn't that great because where the lighting was good, it wasn't really possible for me to pull my pants down, LOL.

It's high up on my thigh, so if  I was outside...not would go well.

Plus, is dark now.

And tomorrow it'll start healing, I should think.

So yeah. It looks less vivid than it actually is.

Though, it has faded just a bit since earlier.

Just got home.

Exhausted, and my feet are throbbing, they hurt so bad.

Nothing else to say about. (:

EXCEPT.

Someone came to work while we were all kind of on a break, or just getting back or just going,

and 'dropped off this envelope' for my sister.

And she gets back and she opens it and it's like

"Happy mother's day, Jenn.

Do not think of this as a charity, but as a gift.

I know being a single parent is hard.

And all that I ask is that you pay it forward, as the saying goes..."

Or whatever.

And in the envelope, was $100.

It was insane.

I was like sitting, taking my break and 

all of a sudden I hear this crying, and I'm like "whoa, what?"

And it was just...I can't even describe, it was so random.

But it really brightened up her day, and I'm super happy for her.

Went to work yesterday.

Got promoted to chasier.

It is hard.

Didn't really get a break through my whole shift.

(We had to be there at 4, didn't leave until 11.)

Wasn't working the concession that whole time, though.

Some of it was set up and clean up, etc.

Hurt my thigh on the warming drawer's 

um...handle/thing. Like, the thing you pull on?

IDK. Anyway.

It's this like, pink scrap that's all raised up on my skin and

then this big mauve bruise that goes all around, on my upper thigh.

The colour combo would be pretty if it didn't hurt like a bitch.

Just got out of the shower, 

gotta go eat something before Jenn gets here.

We're working early today for some mothers day thing, IDK.

Lots of hot guys last night. And IDK anything about the band, but we saw some guy in this one called like... 'Revive' I think, I don't know.

It was funny.

We were going to get towels and there he was!

Lol. Sitting by hisself like a loner.

There were those world vision peeps there, too.

With a booth of some sort just in the hall or whatever, buy our concession.

And there was this pretty hott vegetarian dude who was offered me some of his fries.

I was like "Uhh...no thanks." 

He was like "You sure?" and then something like what I would say about

how they were hot and fresh and good.

And I was like, "Yeah, I'm sure. I had some earlier. (: "

Soooo...yeah.

She'll be here soon, I gotta get my butt moving.

Hopefully, will get to talk to dollface later.

But I work evenings and weekends most of the time,

and that's when we usually get time!

Haha. I have 2 weeks off after today, though.

So.

Listening to the new Cobra Starship song.

It sounds like a joke, really.

A very...unfinished sound.

I like Leighton Meester's part, though.

She has a great voice, I never knew.

This song would be fun at a concert I think.

Can't wait until they come back here, so I an actually

see them. (:

My sister IM'd me last night,

saying I could go to work today if I wanted.

I'm wondering if she even went yesterday.

I don't really want to see her.

But if I'm like "No."

she'll just be stupid again.

Thinking about LB.

Want to put up a new look, but what I want to wear and what 

I will be able to wear today...is conflicting.

I dunno. I'll check the possibilities and we'll see what happens.

I'm thinking about discontinuing my other blog,

and start an all-purpose one for anything.

Because, I dunno. I don't /really/ like having my personal blog

up on my LB as my blog URL.

So, will be doing that in the next few days, I guess.

Meh.

Too much crap in my life currently to formulate something interesting.

So, I shall just now post the notepad that is labeled 'USELESSNOTEPAD5' even though it is probably only 2 or maybe 3.

So, enjoy. A random collection of things found on the interwebz.

-------

"That's pretty witty. I haven't heard anyone bash Twilight before."

"lolololol i c wut u did der"

--

We could speak until nothings left unspoken.

--

when that painted mademoiselle came down from off the wall...

---

my heart is full of nothing, my mind once had a dream.

---

tongue tied. Stuttered shook and uptight. I am covered in skin. No one gets 

to come in. Pull me out from inside.

---

well the dinosaurs were doomed and they didn't even burn coal or drive 

hummers 

---

maybe happiness is wealthy is you spell it right.

---

goodbye to sleep. i think this staying up is exactly what i need.

---

 It will be clear, if I wake up and you're still here :]

---

Thank you for being alive.

---

Paint that shit gold!

---

My bones are your bones.

My home, is your home.

---

And I know, my hearts no longer mine.

--

Just a silly song about you.

---

Dinner me eat. Food yes now.

---

Tell people what they want to hear, then do whatever the fuck you want 

---------

Spending my day doing things I like to do.

Mostly, crafts/DIY/etc.

Almost done my fringed shirt.

Made a belt, is cute.

Finished all the pieces for the first purse I started, just need to find the rest of it to pull it

all together.

Going to find something to wear later to get LB photos.

And it will be good.

Feeling a tiny bit better.
Got work tomorrow, not really looking forward to that.

When we went on wed., it was really just stupid.

No training. Just cleaning, and stocking.

Had to wipe down the stainless steel stuff in the concessions,

and the sanitizer just left it all streaky and crappy looking and like it was

still dirty. And then after that, we were just loading boxes onto this stupid cart,

and then going in the elevator that smelt so badly like paint and then walking in a big circle to all the concessions and putting as many of the boxes as we needed to there.

And then, we'd go back downstairs and do that again.

And then, we did it again.

And then, we did it again.

No training whatsoever. I'll have no idea what I'm doing, it'll be ridiculous.

Some christian band is playing, it's a sold-out show.

Chaos. It is going to be utter chaos. 

If we make it out without any major disasters, I will be amazed.

Literally, just in awe.

And probably exhausted.

Which will not be good, since I'll have just gotten over my whatever it is

if I'm even feeling better. =/

Read LOLcats for a long time today, and various other webpages of that nature.

Like, onceuponawin.com.

Very amusing. 

Downloaded audition.

Just in the process of extracting/installing now.

So much fun!

I feel like shit.

Threw up rather unexpectedly.

Is cramps.

No fun at all.

I just want all this to be awayyy.

Didn't sleep very well.

Kept waking up, and was just very comcomfortable and tired.

Feel very disoriented and kind of confused and unsure, not

really totally aware of things that I'm doing.

It took me like 10 mins just to open a fucking juice box, seriously.

I drank a lot of apple juice, though.

Made me feel really crappy, actually.

I do not advise more then 200ML a day, seriously.

I drank like 600ML (three juice boxes) last night, and even though that's less than 1 litre,

my stomach was like "bleehhhh."

And I almost threw up earlier.

At least, I'm thinking it's the apple juice because I was okay before that.

I should've drank something else, but i was so thirstyy and my throat was all scratchy and hurty.

Since I haven't drunk any apple juice I've been feeling better with that whole other bit, though.

Lots of snot. My throat is raspy and I just feel like bleh.

I'm sore all over. 

I need to sleep more, but I haven't been able to.

I keep like, only being half asleep.

I was listening to music in bed last night, and I kept just like...fading out.

One minute I was awake and aware and just like laying there, and the next it was like

there was a completely different  song playing and already half way in, and I was like "wtf."

And even when I was fully awake!

I was like, sitting up in bed and feeling super fever-ish, so I was going to change into shorts and take off the teeshirt i had on because there was a tanktop underneath,

and I just ended up sitting there and like...I don't even know.

I was thinking and thinking, and I guess I fell asleep. Sitting up.

Because I woke up still sitting, no idea how long I'd been there like that, though.

And it was just really frustrating.

So I ended up just getting up, at like 8AM.

Probably going to take a bath soon. Going to get some more clothes on just now, feeling very chilly.

Woke up at 7AM feeling super fucking sick.

Couldn't breathe out of my nose, my sinuses felt all full

of snot. My mouth was dry and my throat was hurty.

Cold. I was cold, too.

Because I left the window open all night, and ended up 

losing a lot of my blankets somewhere during the nighttime.

Now I've given myself a headache. And I've got work in a few hours.

Drinking a lot of juice, keeping warm.

Going to try to be okay for going, but I don't know....

I really just want to sleep right now.

Not as stressed just now.

Hanging out with Jenn.
We were supposed to have this yummy dinner,

Christie and everyone was going to come over but then

Adam (her 1 and a half year old) is puking or something,

so. They're making it and bringing it over?

I dunno, doesn't really make sense and me and jenn are like 

"lol, whut."

Waiting for dollfacee to get onn.

Umm.

Dyed this one shirt I had purple.

Making it into something like what is in this tutorial.

I'll post pics when I'm done, shouldn't take me very long.

I'm pretty much half done.

Still gotta finish my other one.

I made a teeshirt into a tank with a bit of a cutout back, aswell.

Will post pics of that when I'm done, it fits really good.

Ummm.

Yeah.

Just hanging out now.

Basically got fucking woken up by mom coming in when I was barely awake and tellling me she had to go somewhere so I'm watching jaylin.

And they are taking forever and she is being a fucking brat and Iam frustrated and I have to work tomorrow and I am sick of this and I just want to be by myself for a while and not have to do all this stupid fucking shit. This is not a good start to my day and I am not happy.

At home.

MSN is being lame..., so.

Going to put on what I was wearing yesterday to get some pics.

Was really cute, and I need to update my LB.

Just don't feel like putting something new together...

plus, I liked my outfit yesterday enough to go to the trouble of putting it on again.

I had started to feel a bit better after I got showered and dressed.

Mom was asking me if I wanted something to eat, but I wasn't hungry so

I said no. She automatically assumed it was because I was being rude,

and got all pissy about how I didn't turn off the tap all the way and it was dripped,

and then slammed her door. I slammed mine louder, threw on a sweater and then left.

Didn't take the dog with me, just walked myself.

Less stressful that way.

New flats made a mess of the backs of my ankles.

They are all bloody and gross.

Not bothering to really assess the damage yet, 

probably going to just sit here for a while.

Then later go take some LB pics.

I don't really care just now, though, honestly.

I don't really want to get dressed or out of bed, but I think I will anyway.

Re-mess up my room by tearing apart the closet to find something to wear.

Shower, take the dog for a walk.

Maybe go outside and waste time taking photographs of nothing.

I don't know, really.

Read postsecrets today.

They were boring.

It felt like the same old thing.

There's noise outside.

I forgot it was sunday and that

everyone in the neighbourhood is home.

I keep hearing the annoying squeal of remote control cars.

I want to smash each and every one.

Mom came in, asking me this and that and then later, what was the matter.

I told her quite pointedly, I'm tired.

I mean, I went to bed at fucking 10PM, expecting to get a good

sleep after a stressfull and boring day of work.

And I didn't get that at all, and it's not fair.

I want to be sleeping even now, and just waste this day away.

And tomorrow.

And the next.

Dreaming is better.

Yesterday was a good day for the most part.

Came home, wasted time.

Finished the clutch I started from my jeans.

Will post pics later.

I almost did something I would've regretted.

I'm glad I didn't, but the fact that the intention

was there is just as bad.

Went to sleep at 10:43 or some early time like that.

Got woken up several times because of the noise everyone else was making.

I wouldn't have minded, but. It was not the sort of noise that could be forgiven,

especially as the last time I got woken up by it, it was 2:40 and I ended up just lying in bed.

Cried a lot.

Maybe an hour, maybe more.

I'm not entirely sure.

I don't feel like getting dressed, or out of bed today.

Outside to wait for jenn soon.

Mom has the phone in her room,

so IDK if Jenn has phoned.

Not looking forward to this.

Woke up feeling like, super sore from all the running around yesterday and the other

day on the trampoline.

Buttttttt, I'm awake.

Barely.

I'm sure on the long-ass drive down the freeway I'll

perk up some.

Hooomee.

Bed in a few.

This is my last stand at protesting it.

6AM wakeup call.

Not feeling pleased at all.

Hopefully the sun will atleast be out,

would give me less reason to pout.

If I'm sitting on the stoop in the pouring rain,

Jennifer had better at least not be late or

else I'll surely complain.

Silently.

Got work tomorrow.

Still gotta get foodsafe.

I hate the way life is,

I wish I could live it my own way.

Called Jenn, probably going to hang out there today.

Not going to spend the night, though.

Because it will just be easier to get ready for work from my own

place.

Didn't know what to wear today.

Cut off an old pair of my jeans, and just threw on my mr. t shirt.

Probably not going to upload this one to LB, it's not really worthy.

Making a clutch out of some of the fabric I didn't use.

Don't know if I'll finish, but probably.

It's a lot less work than the other purse I've yet to pick back up.