Things are cutting pretty close.
I'm getting those moments of near-break more and more.
Being back from Jenn's really stuck a reality shock on me,
I guess.
Good thing they maybe are coming by tomorrow.
It'll be great.
I always feel more..I don't know. Things are just better with them.
Remember I said before about not lying?
It's hard. Especially when the people around you don't want to
hear the truth.
It's like in 'The Sweet Far Thing' (by Libba Bray. Duh.)
when Gemma realizes her entire home life is a sham.
I feel like that. Fake smiles. And if I said anything other then 'fine' to the
usual 'how are you?', no one would probably notice.
Honestly, it HAS gotten that bad.
Yesterday, my mom was so cracked out she didn't even
listen to me tell her about Sam's stupid bitch mom
saying shit to me at the wal-mart.

OH. RIGHT.
About that.
I was shopping for a new bathingsuit (Don't fucking say anything about it being from that crappy store.
I was on a tight budget, K. I wanted to buy a ipod shuffle .WHICH I DID.)
and like, I was trying on this reaaaaaaaaly cute green and white one.
It fit perfectly.
Anyway.
I had the door open and was showing Tany,
and Sam's mom was like "Too small!"
And was like laughing and being a complete bitch.
So I gave her a dirty look,
and she was all surprised.
And then Gowri gave her a dirty look.
It just..threw off my entire day.

ANYWAY.
I was telling my mom about that.
She didn't listen to a word of it.
She's been getting so much worse...
more frail. More sick. Just..she's overall..less then she used to be.
It hurts. And...and I wish at the same time that I could do what she does so seemingly
easily. No. I don't wish.
I just...kinda...wonder. What it would be like.
To let go, to not care.
To ignore everything and everyone of value and...drift.
Be someone else. Be like those girls at school that can goof off and not do their work and...
No.
I don't really want to be like that.
Deep inside, I know. It isn't..good to be that way.


New topic.

What nearly drove me off the edge today was Thea.
I try alot not to think about her.
I dont WANT to think about her.
I want to be over it and done.
But..she's still there. Creeping out at me behind the rest of my guilty thoughts.
I've unravled the whole situation enough that I believe she thinks I drove her away.
But no. I was still there if she wanted me.
She drove me away. I want very much to believe the truth,
that this is her fault but...
but that makes me feel worse.
And..

Fuck it. New topic.

God. I can't escape it now. Writing this has opened the floodgates.
In pours the thoughts of unpleasantries.
Greeeeaaaat.
Maybe I should take up..knitting.
No. been there done that.
How about...


The crazy one just asked me to read her a page out of her cookbook as a bed-time story.
Yes.
She did. And..I...agreeed.


Tany is telling me about how Judy once cooked a glazed ham and it wasn't done all the way.
STUPID JUDY.
(She asked me to put that in.)

Well....well. It's time for bed soon.
I need to download something new to listen to. If I don't,
it'll be hard to fall asleep.


Tany keeps telling me about how she once puked into a book.

And we're talking about how all my moms friends are losers.
Except for masons mom.

Me: "But she's a drunk! And she's still better then the rest of them!"

Gowri: "Yeah but..you said she was good drunk!"

Me: "She is! She's funny!"