I should go to bed.
Though..I have no idea why I announce it all the time.
Or why I bother with this.
No ones reading anyway.
Which really sucks.

I just remembered. About other things I was thinking about.
Screw bed.

Anyway.
I remember being pissed at mom and thinking about when she forced me to go back to school.
I remember her getting Mr.Murphy to come down from the school and pick me up.
It was horrific, having him in our shitty house.
He was surprised I went. I guess I really am a different girl then most people think.
I don't like that feeling. It feels like a lie. And lately, lies have felt dirty.
Never have I lied like..a really big lie. Well. That's debateable but whatever.
It just seems like every little false thing that slips out of my lips is tainting my very essence.
This is not enjoyable.
Anyway.
I remember sitting in his office when we got to school.
Talking to him and Mr Bauman.
It was hard, as talking always will be. Talking about personal things, anyway.
The realization that I've practically been raised to lie about the personal things and
to not really disscuss them is like a slap in the face. A slap hard enough to cause a bruise too.
The other day I was thinking about all the lies and the fake... I wanted to email everyone. My mom. My sister. Tany. Tell them. Tell them everything. How I feel all the time and...what I think of them. What their part in this is. But..I didn't. I dont know. I guess...things are easier this way. Maybe I'm just not as strong as I once thought. Because I really doubt I could get through the major crashing down of my entire world. So anyway. It was hard. And I ended up crying. The look on Bauman's face...I don't know how I ever forgot it. He was always so giant. So huge. Larger then life and a thousand times different. The way he looked at me just then...it was like he was really seeing me. There wasn't any of the facade he puts on. There wasn't any laughter and he was utterly serious. Worried. I wonder what he was seeing when he looked at me.
A sobbing girl in a painted splattered black hoodie and jeans. Messy and vulnerable.
He saw me as breakable then. Saw past my act. My toughness.
I think it scared him, just alittle.
Man, I had it bad last year.
The depression. The cutting. My ankle getting spraint. Almost getting held back.
Not really in that order, but... all the same.
It was rough. And this year just feels like aftermath.
Like a muted version of 'AND WHAT?'

You know what I spend most of my 11:11 wishes on?
Love. I feel so much like I'm missing out.
It's a lonely feeling. And I'm not sure if I'll
ever get even a first kiss.
Jordan in kindergarten does NOT count.
Though..he probably totally counts it.
I mean..wouldn't you if a girl chased you down and shoved you against a fence?
Sounds like some cheap porno with a crappy plot.
Except for the stars in the film would in no way be five years old, lol.
Well. Maybe in someone elses twisted little mind.
Aha.
I'm rambling.
Maybe it's good no one reads my blog.
They'd think I was a lunatic.
LOL.
As if I'm not.

My nails are neon orange.
It's nice.
Bleh. Tomorrow for breakfast: pancakes with strawberry milk sauce and peanut butter.
mmmmm.
Lol. YES IT WILL BE GOOD.
K.
I am totally awesome at making pancakes.
James denies this claim,
but it is all truth.


I'm thinking. Stay up late, get out of bed at noon..
or a repeat of yesterday.
Go to bed now and wake up at 8AM / 9AM.
Would it be better?
I wonder.
Probably not.
I'd have too much free time.
And yet... and yet I cannot stop picturing birds with timepiece bodyparts flying away out of a golden frame. I shall draw this picture and submit a poorly done computer version until
monday, when Tany becomes available.


God. This experience has led me to confirm that I am infact a horrible artist.
When I don't try, anyway.