K.


So, I was minding my own buisness...


wasting time on Urban Dictionary,


when all of a sudden I notice this totally whack ad on the page.

GAY THUGS?

WHAT THE HELL!

I was looking at the definition of 'womps' (that word from the show recess)

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH GAY THUGS?
AND ISN'T BEING A 'GAY' 'THUG' A CONTRADICTION OF THE TWO WORDS?
SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK.

Note: You can wait in anticipation.
Tomorrow I'll be putting up which post was my favourite of this month.
Fun, yes?

ALSO:
Start the countdowns.

Anyday Jenns baby will be BORN.
1 day until Breaking Dawn.
13 days until Amy's birthday.
16 days until Camp.
1 month until the next Private book.
1 month until school.
4 months 25 days until christmas.
9 months one day until my birthday.
9 months 28 days until Tany's birthday.

Oh yeah.

So...maybe I didn't write more later.
Sorry.
But..eh.
Things have been busy.

Went shopping today, with Tany.
It was fun...
sort of.
Mostly it was just a big mess and I kind of felt sick.
=/


Downloading some new music as we speak.
Sing It Loud, Highfives and Handshakes, Self Against City, The Submarines.
And somemore Envy On The Coast.

Alright stuff so far.
I've nothing to do, so I'm messing around on Last.Fm.
Joined a new group.
Posted some posts.
Meh.

My iTunes keeps being retarded.
I reallllyyyy need to get some virus protection,
because my laptop keeps acting hella weird.
D:

I have a brother.
Besides James, I mean.

His name is Aaron.
He's 33 and he has a daughter.
We're meeting him today.
This is insane.
I'll write more later.
:]

So. I have a reader.
Just one, solitary mind out there
receiving my thoughts and yet...
it matters.

I won't tell you who it is.
Because the person would not forgive me should
I do so.

Person, if you're out there, reading this lonely old post,
I'm sorry.
That I don't talk to you about the things that I should talk to you about.
And that I brought up the fact that you cried oh-so many times.
But I wasn't doing it to make fun of you, honest.
I was wondering why you wouldn't admit it.
And as to why I don't talk,
well.
That's not a mystery.
I was practically raised to say 'I'm fine' when I wasn't.
Talking isn't a large part in my family,
despite what you would think.
I think my mom regrets that, and wishes it were otherwise.

I was told earlier my blog is sad.
Which...is hard for me to grasp.
Or...understand.
Whatever.
It's hard.
To me, all this is is thoughts.
Thoughts to put down and forget about.
Thoughts that I let out so that I wouldn't burst.
When I read the words, all I see is the familiarity.
Perhaps it is sad.
Maybe I need more help then I once thought.


I have a headache.
And I finished 'Lock and Key' by Sarah Dessen.
It was good, but not as good as Just Listen.
I just...don't identify with any of the characters like how
I identified with Owen and..and god. Wow. I've forgotten the chick's name.
Annabel.

Owen for the music. Annabel for the catastrophe-like family life.
That book had meaning. This book...
was just a time-filler for me, to be honest.
I almost cried. When Nate left Ruby.
Just because I've become a sap for the sort of thing by reading the private novels.

I have a headache.
And sleep beckons,
so I shall go.
Good night.

Soooo.
Had a great day.
Absolutly fabulous.
Until..I got home.
Not even 'I Just Do' by Dear And The Headlights
could perk me up when I got home.

Looks like the situation is the same as when I left.
What a shame.

Bought some books with Tany...
got some pizza.
The usual.
Good thing too. I need some cheering up...
and everyone knows what a good book does for me.
Screw milk.
BOOKS do a body good.

Hm. One thing that is NOT good that came out of this?
I'm pretty damn sure I have a fucking virus.

Well. I'll just download a norton trial, LOL.

Went on a music spree.
Downloaded just about a billion things that I haven't even listened to yet.
I just kind of feel out of place that my iTunes library
has 968 songs, 2.5 days of music when there are people that have an entire lifetime worth of music.
Like..seriously. 30 days worth, it's insane.

So. I have become deranged and limewire'd just about every
artist ever recommended for me on
Last.Fm

Aha.
I feel accomplished.

"Like peanut butter and ham. It's going to be awesome!"

Fuck blogging.
I need something better.
Like..vlogging.
Aha. Just kidding.
I'm a horrible RL conversationalist.
Meaning, on video I'd come off as either shy or obnoxious.
Which....would probably not be very entertaining if I
went with the former.

The fam was over today.
Jenn, Chris, Tye and JJ.
We all had dinner and it was...good.
Except for James acting all...well.
How he is.

In his vicious state of delirium, he manages somehow to be more true.
And yet, it's all lies.

I should go to bed.
Though..I have no idea why I announce it all the time.
Or why I bother with this.
No ones reading anyway.
Which really sucks.

I just remembered. About other things I was thinking about.
Screw bed.

Anyway.
I remember being pissed at mom and thinking about when she forced me to go back to school.
I remember her getting Mr.Murphy to come down from the school and pick me up.
It was horrific, having him in our shitty house.
He was surprised I went. I guess I really am a different girl then most people think.
I don't like that feeling. It feels like a lie. And lately, lies have felt dirty.
Never have I lied like..a really big lie. Well. That's debateable but whatever.
It just seems like every little false thing that slips out of my lips is tainting my very essence.
This is not enjoyable.
Anyway.
I remember sitting in his office when we got to school.
Talking to him and Mr Bauman.
It was hard, as talking always will be. Talking about personal things, anyway.
The realization that I've practically been raised to lie about the personal things and
to not really disscuss them is like a slap in the face. A slap hard enough to cause a bruise too.
The other day I was thinking about all the lies and the fake... I wanted to email everyone. My mom. My sister. Tany. Tell them. Tell them everything. How I feel all the time and...what I think of them. What their part in this is. But..I didn't. I dont know. I guess...things are easier this way. Maybe I'm just not as strong as I once thought. Because I really doubt I could get through the major crashing down of my entire world. So anyway. It was hard. And I ended up crying. The look on Bauman's face...I don't know how I ever forgot it. He was always so giant. So huge. Larger then life and a thousand times different. The way he looked at me just then...it was like he was really seeing me. There wasn't any of the facade he puts on. There wasn't any laughter and he was utterly serious. Worried. I wonder what he was seeing when he looked at me.
A sobbing girl in a painted splattered black hoodie and jeans. Messy and vulnerable.
He saw me as breakable then. Saw past my act. My toughness.
I think it scared him, just alittle.
Man, I had it bad last year.
The depression. The cutting. My ankle getting spraint. Almost getting held back.
Not really in that order, but... all the same.
It was rough. And this year just feels like aftermath.
Like a muted version of 'AND WHAT?'

You know what I spend most of my 11:11 wishes on?
Love. I feel so much like I'm missing out.
It's a lonely feeling. And I'm not sure if I'll
ever get even a first kiss.
Jordan in kindergarten does NOT count.
Though..he probably totally counts it.
I mean..wouldn't you if a girl chased you down and shoved you against a fence?
Sounds like some cheap porno with a crappy plot.
Except for the stars in the film would in no way be five years old, lol.
Well. Maybe in someone elses twisted little mind.
Aha.
I'm rambling.
Maybe it's good no one reads my blog.
They'd think I was a lunatic.
LOL.
As if I'm not.

My nails are neon orange.
It's nice.
Bleh. Tomorrow for breakfast: pancakes with strawberry milk sauce and peanut butter.
mmmmm.
Lol. YES IT WILL BE GOOD.
K.
I am totally awesome at making pancakes.
James denies this claim,
but it is all truth.


I'm thinking. Stay up late, get out of bed at noon..
or a repeat of yesterday.
Go to bed now and wake up at 8AM / 9AM.
Would it be better?
I wonder.
Probably not.
I'd have too much free time.
And yet... and yet I cannot stop picturing birds with timepiece bodyparts flying away out of a golden frame. I shall draw this picture and submit a poorly done computer version until
monday, when Tany becomes available.


God. This experience has led me to confirm that I am infact a horrible artist.
When I don't try, anyway.

The boy is Olli. The girl is his wife Hannah. They are salt and pepper shakers. I took this pic forever ago and forgot about it, lol. Anyway. They sit ontop of our stove. I move them around whenever I'm in the kitchen. They look kind of...emo. No smiles. But..they're old. And interesting.

Another 'wonderful' day.
Aha.
As if my days are ever anything
short of disaster.

Knocked over a glass of water onto my powerbar, kinda.
It mostly spilled unto my bedside table,
where it then proceeded to drip down and land dangerously close to an area
I call.. 'BBQ Alicia'

Which kind of makes my nexon passport
have a whole new meaning.


Woke up early. At like..nine AM.
Walked the dog. Ate some potatoes and leftover meatloaf.
Today started out awesome.
But then...but then mom got hungry.
She made me and james make dinner and all that.
She's barely been out of her room all day.
Sulking about dad leaving this morning.

If she didn't drive him away when he tried to pick a fight,
he'd probably still be here.
I'm sick of their games.
I'm sick and I'm tired.
Everytime mom just disappears into her room
and turns into a mega-bitch.
Which is almost worse then the 'keeping the peace' version
of her that she has when dad first gets home.
I'm always so angry. I always want to yell and just...just
get it out. She never lets me. And if I just do it it ends in disastor because then BOTH of
them are mad at me.

Overall not very happy today.
Thought alot about why I don't just leave.
I could be living in a foster home
as fast as you can say 'Drugs'
Or..living with jenn.
But...but while I was talking the dog on a second walk
(after dinner. to cool off my attitude)
my mood all but died.
I had been happy and cheerful and..
and it felt right for the first time in so long.
It didn't feel like a lie.
It felt good.

And per usual, it had to unravel.
She had to be a bitch.
She had to play the vulnerable 'oh woe is me' card.
And I've just about had enough.

You know why I don't leave her?
Because it would kill her.
My poor little frail mother would just die.
I remember when she was getting those cramps in her legs for the first time...
she was in the bath.
I was scared and she was telling me about how when her liver had shut down,
she'd come back because of me.
Because I needed her.
And...if I wasn't here...
she wouldn't have a reason anymore.

I'm so tired, though.
Of the responsibility.
I wish I could have one entire carefree day.
One day where I can just drift.
And not worry or just...not be anything that
I don't want to be.

What had started out as a perfect, lovely day..
is ending as a piece of crap.

Nothing feels right. The temperature in the room is too hott.
My head feels empty and too full all at the same time.
I want to cry. No tears are coming out.

And goddamn it all, I can't get the other reason for misery out of my head.
Thea always acted like her problems were more then mine,
so I should pity her. And then she found out the whole story and we
never spoke again.
When I told Dollface about everything...
I was worried.
Worried that she would abandon me, like SHE did.
I'm not as hung up on my exfriend as it sounds.
I promise you that much.
There's someone else on my mind alot.
I'm not spilling the beans as to who.
I'd rather keep that tucked up tight into my head incase of disappointment.
Already, it's lurking there.
Waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting happiness and crush it into nothingness.

Listening to pretty.odd.
It isn't helping.
I feel itchy and displaced.
I miss Tany.
Why does tomorrow have to be sunday?

Been reading the private series by Kate Brian.
I wasn't sure if I already said,
so I thought I'd just repeat it, just incase.
The first one was kinda..eh.
Otheres were amazing.
I've got one to go. And then tons of waiting for what I'm hoping
will be a next one.
Who knows. Maybe the next on ends the series...
I won't know until I read.
Considering I hate spoilers.

A few more days until breaking dawn.
My summer is ticking away.
I've barely done anything.
I don't even have some interesting foriegn summer love.
Or...or..some new hobby I've taken up.
I have...nothing.
How surprising.

But who knows.
Perhaps August will prove to be fruitiful.

I think this is my 200th post.
I decided to make it a good one.
When? Just now.

It seems I've been making up for my lack of posting in the previous couple months
with long posts in this month.
It'll be hard to choose a favourite moment on the 12th.
Speaking of august....
I have camp soon.
I'll go on facebook and find some pictures to post later.

It'll be so good to be away. Away in the fresh air and the forest.
Mmm. The thought kayaking...the thought of trying to maybe actually rockclimb this year.
To actually get along with my cabinmates.

The best thing though,
is that I can be anyone I want.
And no one will be the wiser.

Things are cutting pretty close.
I'm getting those moments of near-break more and more.
Being back from Jenn's really stuck a reality shock on me,
I guess.
Good thing they maybe are coming by tomorrow.
It'll be great.
I always feel more..I don't know. Things are just better with them.
Remember I said before about not lying?
It's hard. Especially when the people around you don't want to
hear the truth.
It's like in 'The Sweet Far Thing' (by Libba Bray. Duh.)
when Gemma realizes her entire home life is a sham.
I feel like that. Fake smiles. And if I said anything other then 'fine' to the
usual 'how are you?', no one would probably notice.
Honestly, it HAS gotten that bad.
Yesterday, my mom was so cracked out she didn't even
listen to me tell her about Sam's stupid bitch mom
saying shit to me at the wal-mart.

OH. RIGHT.
About that.
I was shopping for a new bathingsuit (Don't fucking say anything about it being from that crappy store.
I was on a tight budget, K. I wanted to buy a ipod shuffle .WHICH I DID.)
and like, I was trying on this reaaaaaaaaly cute green and white one.
It fit perfectly.
Anyway.
I had the door open and was showing Tany,
and Sam's mom was like "Too small!"
And was like laughing and being a complete bitch.
So I gave her a dirty look,
and she was all surprised.
And then Gowri gave her a dirty look.
It just..threw off my entire day.

ANYWAY.
I was telling my mom about that.
She didn't listen to a word of it.
She's been getting so much worse...
more frail. More sick. Just..she's overall..less then she used to be.
It hurts. And...and I wish at the same time that I could do what she does so seemingly
easily. No. I don't wish.
I just...kinda...wonder. What it would be like.
To let go, to not care.
To ignore everything and everyone of value and...drift.
Be someone else. Be like those girls at school that can goof off and not do their work and...
No.
I don't really want to be like that.
Deep inside, I know. It isn't..good to be that way.


New topic.

What nearly drove me off the edge today was Thea.
I try alot not to think about her.
I dont WANT to think about her.
I want to be over it and done.
But..she's still there. Creeping out at me behind the rest of my guilty thoughts.
I've unravled the whole situation enough that I believe she thinks I drove her away.
But no. I was still there if she wanted me.
She drove me away. I want very much to believe the truth,
that this is her fault but...
but that makes me feel worse.
And..

Fuck it. New topic.

God. I can't escape it now. Writing this has opened the floodgates.
In pours the thoughts of unpleasantries.
Greeeeaaaat.
Maybe I should take up..knitting.
No. been there done that.
How about...


The crazy one just asked me to read her a page out of her cookbook as a bed-time story.
Yes.
She did. And..I...agreeed.


Tany is telling me about how Judy once cooked a glazed ham and it wasn't done all the way.
STUPID JUDY.
(She asked me to put that in.)

Well....well. It's time for bed soon.
I need to download something new to listen to. If I don't,
it'll be hard to fall asleep.


Tany keeps telling me about how she once puked into a book.

And we're talking about how all my moms friends are losers.
Except for masons mom.

Me: "But she's a drunk! And she's still better then the rest of them!"

Gowri: "Yeah but..you said she was good drunk!"

Me: "She is! She's funny!"

I'm hungry.
But...there's nothing to eat!

SO. I' m eating cheese.
Marble cheese.
About enough to make 10zillion sandwiches.
I kinda feel like puking everytime I take another bite.

Right now, there aree... 106 songs on my shuffle.
Which is pretty..good. I guess.
Stupid thing cost less then the fugly MP3 I got for my birthday the other day....


James just came in wanting to borrow money.
I lied and said I didn't have it, even though I have about 15$ stashed.
I need to save it to buy anything I need for camp,
so...I don't really feel bad.
PLUS, mom forgot to fucking make dinner.
I'm hungry. D:
Whatever. I'll make her make up for it in the morning I guess.
For now, there is cheese.

Got money from James.

LOL. Is his b-day.

Happy birthday J, even if you'll never see that I said it on here.

Anyhow.

Went shopping with Tany.

Bought stuff I needed for camp and an Ipod Shuffle.

Downloading music to put on it.

I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE THE SONG

'HEAR ME' BY KELLY CLARKSON.

Seriosuly, she's a loser, but...the music off the one album I bought like..years ago?

DELICIOUSO.

Or something...

My legs hurt.

I walked the dog for like..two hours.

It's late. I'll go to bed soon,

promise.

Tany has been reading my blog.

This is for her::::::

UPDATE:
I haven't walked into anything for three entire days.
Oh yeah.

Fuck.
I need better things to do then this.

LOL. DONT TOUCH.
& WOOOOOHOOO!!
AHAHAHA..CANDY!
BEST SONG BY THAT
DUDE. SERIOUSLY.

LOL. Kitty is burrowing into my hair.
Just kinda..comes up from behind and gets..
all in there.
It's cute, but...distracting.
AREN'T I BAD AT ARTZ?



That's Jenn's face when the baby trys to break out of her belly. So pretty, right?

My nose is all drippy.
Um.
JJ has been sooo cute.
She has watched Dora The Explorer so many times she
knows all the words.

".....Way to go?" "MAP!" "RIGHT! MAP! Saaaaay map!" "MAP!MAP!MAP!"

Uhm. I wasn't the one who was saying the other part...
no way that was me.
YOU HAVE NO PROOF, BITCH.

Yeah, you know it's late whennn....

Ahahahaha. Ketchup chips.
So. IDK if I told about this, but um.
Hair = straight.
Amazingly enough.
Looks hella amazing, fo sho.
Um. Yes. Haven't been blog cruising lately,
or..much else for that matter.
The usual stuff with Dollface ("I bet you'd still look sexy in my pants."), Jenn and the fam ("IF YOU WANNA LEAVE, PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!" 'LOLOLOLOLOL!!!' )

Meh. Crazy Quilt is a fucking fucked-up show.
3/10 stars.
LOL. Too lazy to crop.
Um. YAAAHHH SON!
NAW MEAN?

Ahem.

THEY ARE GETTING A COACH IN METROTOWN.
FUCK YEAH!
Anyway. Just remembered.
So um. Yeah.
I'm at Jenn's, babysitting Tye and JJ.
Theres two ah-dor-able kittens.
Nigs and um..The other one, rofl.
Cute little balls of fur that seem to love me.
I pay attention to them, haha.

Jenn straightened my hair for me.
It looks great.
I feel like it's unfair to everyone else how pretty I am.

Tany slept over. It was so nice
to have the ipod here,
because I could listen as I fell asleep.
Amazing.
Daysleeper by Dear and the Headlights was what made me drift off.
So um. Yeah.

Gowri accidently popped a water balloon.
It got her laptop wet, and I was drying the keyboard,
and f3 & f4 popped off.
Stupid cheap Chinese shit.
For serious.
AND it's final sale.
AND they told her it was final sale after they already bought it.
So...WTF.

Um. Yeah.

Happy almost-6-am.
Lol. Happy.
I actually...am.
Got woken up at 11AM..yesterday, by my mom.
She dragged me off to some free bbq.
It was fun. The sun was shinning and the air was thick with heat.
Mousey (ugh) and my moms friend Karen came with us.
We ate hot dogs and met the local MLA.
Boring, boring fellow. Couldn't remember his name if
my life depended on it. He did though, wear a yellow shirt.
Beige slacks if I remember that correctly.
Anyway.
We ditched them all at the bbq, and walked on to Janets house.
Haven't seen them in forever.
It was pleasant. Avery was there. Being...Avery-ish.
His sister Tara-Lynn came over later, with their mom.
And uh...yeah. I dont know why I was EVER friends with her.
She's such a bitch. And...mean. Snobby, almost.
Like..she looks down on me. IDK. I kinda think she's jealous.
Of what, I couldn't tell you. It's not like I've got much.

Did I tell you, about how Just Listen made me decide
I shouldn't lie any more? Well. It actually kinda forced me.
Everywhere I went, all I could focus on were the tiny little lies that just sort of..
sprouted. So I stopped. And it's..fun.
I like wanting to tell people what I actually think.
And truth be told, I dont give a fuck what they think about it.

The sun is up. And..I'm probably going to go over to Tany's after I grab a shower.
I'm hungry.
And I know she's got food at her place.
Hm.

Kind of mixed feelings all day long.
Depressing subjects. Like..my dad.
I'm just..so mad at him, for so many things.
And...I dont know when it happened...but..
I started pushing this all away.
I never dwell on him,
I've noticed.
Like right now, it's like..a..
reflex. I just try to move away from it.
Even now, my fingers want me to move on to
something else.
So I will.

Avery is going out with Rachel.
The annoying one, from my gym class.
And on the walk home, for some reason,
My mom started talking about..Mitchel.
Avery's brother. The older one.
The one I had a crush on foreverr.
And I could've sworn he liked me back.
But..I dont know. I tried to tell him so many times and he...
pushed me away. I still kind of..
like him.
I think. A little.
I find that I think about him alot.

Rightnow: listening to 'Daysleeper' by Dear and the Headlights.
Amazing song. They kind of remind me of..wintersleep with this song.
But at the same time, so much more..alive. Fresh.
Less depressing. Um. Yeah.

Wished that I had a camera just about a billion times today.
The view from Dayton's street is..amazing.
Especially in the pale morning light, when all the houses and the streetlights and that were all a glow. And in the hot sun, looking down the road at the river in the distance.
Gah. How beautiful my blog would look with visuals.
I believe this is long enough of a post for one day,
so I leave you here.

God. My life is pathetic.
I need....to find like...something to do that fills the empty spaces in.

This was the weirdest thing I've seen today.

A bunch of snake pics.
I like the one where it's coming out of the converse shoe, lol.
Um. Yeah.
But seriously,
I clicked on there and was completely shocked.
But hey, whats new with that?


Fuck. I need some readers.

Searched through blogs using the 'next blog' button in the bar thingy.

This is what I found .

It's amazing how many blogs I saw where in another language.
Anyway.
I dont really plan on looking at any of those again.
They just caught my eye.
I like the wedding photographer's one best.
The pictures made me smile.

MFMz of JUNE.

Most Favourite Moment of JUNE:

June 15 @ 4:42AM.

Listening to some band called 'The Spill Canvas'.
So far, my opinion of them is::

Homo. Low energy. Boring.

I find myself listening to the whirr of the fan instead. It's more exciting.
OH. And did I mention their vocalist sounds fucking retarded?
I did now. :]

I've decided something else.
I need some..some..more order.
To me life and all, ya know.
So.
I'm going to have some..lists. Lists that go with set times.
Like. Starting...now,
I'll review all the blog posts from last month, and decide which is my favourite.
Sound good? I thought so. What's the date?
I'll need to mark this down on my calendar for next month.

July 12. This day feels special somehow.

"FUCK YOU AND EVERY MALL SANTA THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU!"

Been meaning to post that for awhile.
I'll get back to my cleaning now.
:]

Found that on some persons website.
They took the pic themself.
I honestly dont remember where I got it from,
but it might have been on neopets.
LOL.
Neopets. I got a suspension last night, too.
Good thing I have like..10 million accounts. XP
Anyway.
It's beautiful, yes?
I remember almost getting to ride in a hot air balloon.
We couldn't though, because they ran out of gas.
Which sucked, real hard.
But um..I got frozen yogourt out of the deal, so it's all good.

Passed the '6000' mark on Last.fm.
Pretty proud of myself.
And um. If you haven't noticed,
I'm all over the place today.
Still cleaning. Thinking about sorting some of my books alphabetically.
Right now: I'm dancing around like and idiot singing 'Five minutes to midnight' by Boys Like Girls.
Haven't listened to them in forever.
No idea why. Wearing the dress I fixed.
I forgot to take a picture...and I couldn't find a pic of the original online anywhere.
Oh well. You'll just have to wait 'till monday.
Spent some time with my dog.
Probably going to walk to Tany's in a bit.
Ummm...
Thinking about doing a 'blog for two minutes every four minutes' tomorrow.
For spontaneous periods of time through out the day, of course.
And anyway. What else do I have to do all sunday?

OH! And I cleaned my room up.
New invention: febreeze + fan = manual air freshener.

Downloaded some new music. (Forgive Druden, Dear and Headlights, The Rakes.)
Downloaded a new browser. (flock)
Locking lock on door.

Life is good. :)

Lol. I'm on a roll?

Tany was over yesterday.
I read a book.
We hung out.
My room is a mess,
and I've no desire to clean it.

I want fruit. Theres none here.
James is supposed to go to Tany's and get me some.
How much do you want to bet he doesn't?

Checked out a cool blog today, about photography.
Very visual. I liked.
i heart photograph

I keep thinking about how no one is reading this.
And how it doesn't matter if I continue.
If my posts have substance.
My mind just keeps returning to this thought.
I feel like a hamster on a wheel.
I'll think I'll draw a picture.
My blog exploring adventures have left me feeling artsy.
I'll post it when I'm done.

Alright. Goodnight.

I'm loosing interest in this.
And that is obviosuly obvious.
I need a reader. Or two.
A hand, to reach out. So I know this isn't just for me.
Maybe...maybe I need something else to push me for once.
Maybe that is what I'm reaching out for.
Searching for. Whatever.

Jenns baby pops soon.
Oh. And I've been scrapblogging.

This book. I read it yesterday. Twice.
It tore asunder everything. Everything I thought I knew, that I thought I wanted. It left me questioning every action and every thought and every move and every direction. It made me cry.
And stay up until past 4AM. It made me want to talk, and talk and talk. About my family, and to Tany. Thing...things with us..I've noticed. Noticed how they are. It's like..the other day. When we were in the mall. On one of the upper levels, theres this huge fountain. It's pretty and the water always looks so...calm. Collected. warm and perfect. Anyway. One floor down from there, and..I never noticed before. Looking up, in this perfect exact spot..you can see up. Up into the faces of the people looking down. You see the glint of pennies that kids toss in. The garbage that found it's way in by accident and hasn't been tossed out yet. You see the light. The bright, accusing and helplessly mesmerizing light. It's greenish blue and filters down like a first snow. Slow and delicate. And..thats what I was doing yesterday. Looking up at myself looking down. Seeing the glint of happy things in the shallow pool of time my life occupies. I saw the light, and I saw the darkness. The cracks. The leaks and the things that I didn't understand. The gray areas.
All I can think about is this book. And what I want. And...I dont know. I dont know what I want. I've had Stranger and It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade on repeat.
I'm not sure but...it fits. Somehow. I want that. A song, a profess of love. So intimate and sincere that others wouldn't begin to understand should they look upon it. Or hear it. Or somehow get to be presented with it. I want to be able to close to people, and have them listen to me. That unfailable, unconditioned perfection. Something utterly free and utterly true. I want to know that it exists. But..how can it? When I do not quite fit into the personality of any of my favourite characters. In this book, I'm more Owen then an Annabel. Twilight? I dont identify with anyone in there. I am not brave enough. I am not truthful enough. I am not pretty enough. Too smart. Too short. Too round and too imperfect. I can see, in the mirror, that girl I once was.
She's beautiful;radiant. Thinks so highly of herself and it isn't pretend. She doesn't worry and she does not doubt. The world can take her opinons and do what they like with them for all she cares. She's bolder and amazing and right. And I am not. I can see, the circles under my eyes from too many nights spent awake. The frizz in my hair. I can see the way my smile looks, and how it's unique but not lovely. I can see the excess, and where there isn't enough. I see my habits and my faults, laid out there upon my face. What others think, I am aware. I care. I'm fragile. Now, untrusting. Worried and stressed and sick of it all. And I think. "What do I want to do with my life?" And I'm not sure. Fashion...it calls. Like a beacon. A flag waving there. A phone call, ringing away and awaiting me to answer. I'm edging closer to the phone...my recent re-make of a dress is seeing to that. And..writing. Obviously, that calling calls just as passionately. Desire to stay here forever. To just sit. To write and worry and live my life exactly this way. I can, if I should wish. But..determination burns stronger. It's there, no matter what I'm doing. "Dont think about them. This is for you. You and you alone. It helps you. It'll take you farther. Just do it." Pushing myself. A bit too hard. And..no one knows.
I want to be Annabel for this. I want the story to end with me spilling all of the things I hold back. My family, listening. And friends that are amazing. No cares and no desire. Perfection.

If only.

http://www.freealberta.com/language.html

They have some good points.
But it's disturbing that our country is slowly breaking apart.

Nothing to do...
because it's sunday.

Yesterday, Tany lost her ipod and got the new 3rd gen. ipod nano.
It's kicking, but I can't borrow it because her mother is a retard.

So..without portable music.
I feel crippled.

Reading alot.
Um. Yeah.

All for now. Peace to your mother.