I think I'll go back to sleep.
Or try atleast.
Goodnight, morning.

Thunder is gone.
But it's raining real bad.
No school, for me.

Which is just fine.
I shall be a smart coward
and study.

Even thought it's probably useless.
I'm failing as it is.
French.
I love french.
Honest, I do.
It's just...so hard to absorb in such little time.
Summer school.
No.
Please, no.

UGH.
I just want to scream.
To hold it all away again,
push it out of my mind.
But I can't now.
Like the flood that falls from the sky from
too much built up moisture,
I'll just have to deal with the consequence of
not dealing with this in small doses.

That always seems to be the thing with me.
I let it build up all winter..
unleashed it this spring.
Unleashed my self,
even though I am a fragile, broken thing.
I never used to be.
Or atleast, I was better at pretending then.

I'm so childish.
An idiot.
Sitting here, hoping for things I dont really want.
When I know...that I'm stuck here.
And I know, I probably wont budge either way.
I'm stuck.

And I've no idea how to un-stuck myself.
Psh.
See? That isn't even a word.
Un-stuck.
Whatever.

I couldn't hold it back today.
The thinking, I mean.
It's like holding your breath underwater.
Sooner or later, you're going to give.
And with that, there's a choice.
A choice that you dont always see,
or perhaps...dont want to see.
The choice to either stay under,
or surface.

Temptation,
is to stay under.
To hide.
It's an almost masochistic
option.
Inflicting pain unto your self,
being cowardly.
Silly.
But at the same time, you cannot help it.

The option that requires strength,
the other one.
To get your head above the water..
I've not been there in awhile.
I doubt I could accurately describe it anymore.

I doubt I could accurately describe me.
Well.
One word comes to mind.

Mess.

The same song is playing on repeat.
Did I mention I lost my psp?
Mhm.
Wasn't even upset by it, really.
Anyway.
It just keeps..playing.
Without even thinking, I go to it.
Even though it's a song I heard only once before.

'What a shame we all became
such fragile, broken things.
A memory remains
just a tiny spark.

I give it all my oxygen...'

But I'm not.
I wish I could say I tried my hardest.
To stay afloat.
To get back on the boat.
But I didn't.
And I'm running out of time..
time to fix this.
To fix everything.
It's hard.
There's people...could help maybe.
But they wouldn't understand.
No.
Not in that "Oh..no one understands me. I hate the world.
Fuck this."
Kind of way.
But in the way that is... "If you haven't been here..where I am,
you won't have the faintest idea. Dont even try to pretend you know
what you're talking about."

So anyway.
I was holding it away.
The feeling.
That feeling.
The one that burns, stings.
Like anger, drenched in sadness with a hint of
sickness.

I sneezed a bit ago,
just about took all my energy.
This wont be able to go on much longer.
It isn't like last year,
when I had the concert to look forward to.
No.
This is different.
My head aches.
I want to go to bed.
I wish I could.

I want to be a coward.
The sort of girl that doesn't care.
I wish I could actually want that.
Because I dont.
No matter how I try to convince myself I dont care,
and how much I want to be that girl..

My brain just isn't buying it.
It's thundering.
I gotta go.

The rest of 'creepers' has been moved.

http/themxcreepersx.blogspot.com

Creepers. (p1/ch1)

(Part 1 or chapter 1. 'The Fear')

Like air pumped into a bicycle tire,
she gasped.
The sound loud and rasping against her
ears.

'Must...turn..on..'

Unsteady feet swining themselved out of bed
and towards the light switch.
Legs wobbly and breathing hushed.
This was always the worst time.
The waking.

When the dream ceased,
and all was hushed.
Fear whisperd; a cold breeze that seemed
to swirl into every inch of her being.
Grasping her in a slippery hold and
hugging tight;
a whisper turned screech.
Because the lights were out.
The dark blinding, empty.
More frightening then the thunder claps on a stormy day,
or being trapped in an elevator.
It was enveloping.
It was where they were.

'Just stay calm. Nothing can get you now..'

Green eyes opened wide and searching,
her lanky frame stumbled across the carpet.
Hands out, looking for it..

'Got it.'

And then it was gone.
The unbearable fear and icy hands let up,
and breath came easy.
Darkness.
Combated only with the light,
but lately she had been unsure if even that was on her side.

Parker Andrews is afraid of the dark.
Of what it holds,
and who it hides.
Memories, for sure. But perhaps more,
she never could be sure.
Because when the light falls away, and all that surrounds you is
pitch black, how are you supposed to see?

It was uncureable fear, for this reason.
Seeing is believing, but the opposite of that could also be true.
When you see no proof, are you supposed to keep
true to whatever faith or idea seems logical?

Just because they are not seen by you,
does not mean they are not there.

Brushing honey blonde locks
away into a ponytail,
Parker went about her daily buisness.
Pushing the dream and anything pertaining to it away,
trying to focus on the task at hand.
But it always seemed to creep back...
at the most unexpected times too.
Sitting in class and catching a glimpse of shadow dance across a desk or,
while driving home and observing the shade beneath the trees.
Any oppurtunity was taken.
The random triggers to her memory
pulling up that which was so desperately stamped down.

That was why she never left the light on.
Why there was no nightlight to reassure her.
'It doesn't exist. Stop being crazy.'
But her ressolve was weak,
and the emptiness filling.

Street lamps. Illuminating; bright. Like a torch, lining the still streets. A sign, or map. Spelling out the direction through the thick darkness.
Friendly and beaming;
they see you home.
Like a faithful friend, always there.
Watching and guiding.
The dancing rays seeming so trustworthy and
so very dependent upon them are we...


But even the most faithful friendships flicker out;
the spark dying awkwardly.
And there can be a time when
that which you trust so much,
holds you safe no longer...

So.
Studying.
French.
Eeeeehhh.
I dont wanna.
French just.. doesn't hold any interest to me anymore.
Well.
It does and it doesn't.
Whatever.

G-ri and myself had a fight today.
Just a mini one.
I'm sure it'll clear up.
Mhm.
Nothing to write...
nothing to write...!!!!

Street lamps..
illuminating.
Bright.
Like a torch, lining the still streets.
A sign.
Spelling out the direction
through the thick darkness....

Lol.
Me and G-ri hanging out.
She's being a creeper, lol.
All touching my leg.
Lol.
Appearantly my legs are the best and my feet are good.

Gowri likes the US because they have:
better stores, products, prices, weather,
more famous people constantly there for no reason,
and you dont have to wait for something to come like you do in canada.
And alot of stuff we can't get here that they have there,
and the food is better. And will smith lives there.

LOL.

Didn't go to school today.
End of story.

Today was a good day.

Julie got me a belated b-day gift.
A pretty heart bracelet and some earrings.
I'll postage some pics whenever I feel like setting up the cam.

I'm pretty much all caught up in woodshop.
Still failing french,
but I've got a plan.
I'll have to work hard, but eh.
Crap time in the 2K.
Could've done better.
That much I do know.
Next time.

Humanities homework that I'm excited about.
Poems and some writing and some mapping.

French homework I'd rather not do,
but that I will do because on friday we get marked.
Scary.
Stupid speaking.

It's sunny and beautiful.
I love it.

Good morning.
And no,
I did NOT just go to bed a bit ago,
LOL.

I just locked the computer so the window stayed open.
I forgot to post that last night.
so.

Why let a perfectly good post go to waste?

Green Tea for breakfast.
Yum.
I dont really feel like much else.
But dont worry,
it's decaf.
Last packet too.
I'll have to start using the lemon organic green tea
I got from my aunt.
Eeehh.
I dont think it'll taste as good.

I whisper/sang in the shower today.
Andwhile in the bathroom.
AND while in my room.
I'd be doing it now but
I'm concentrating on my blog,
since it's been rather ignored lately.

Maybe...this is my...
safe guard of sorts.
Ya think?
I mean.....where do I almost always run when things get tough?
Here.
To write.

Perhaps it'strue,
but perhaps that isn't
what I really want.

I'm going to bed much too late again.
I didn't mean to.
It just sort of happened.
Honest.

The keyboard reached in and grabbed me,
and wouldn't let go.

I wish we still had shaw on demand.
I want to watch running with scissors.

"I can do that you know.
I had a dream once that I was in mexico.
And when I woke up,
there were pesos in my hands."

LOLZ. Worst mother ever.
But shes hilarious and drugged so it's fine.

I can feel it.

That all too familiar feeling...
like that time Iwas almost about to repel down the mountain but couldn't.
Teetering there,almost on the edge.
Inching closer.
Watching.
Waiting.
For that moment, when all my feet touch air.
When all I feel is the sensation of the fall.

A break down.
Sure as the distractions I've unconsiously been raising.
New books this week.
Mini re-break ups last.
All making sense.

But I dont want it.

Last year was enough of a drop.
I dont want any more.
To think... of how it'll probably just keep dragging on.
I can feel it.
The impression of how it is to pretend; the warning.

I can know now, that
all it was before was pretending.
The listless, bleak and unmotivated person that
I seem to be more and more often...
a true identity?
Or is it just the dark of winter?
Even though those clouds are slowly lifting unto a bright and promising spring..
the old scars linger.
The damage done then remains.
Perhaps...it's more.
More then I've thought.
Or maybe, I just think its more.
Maybe the real me is that pretender; a fake.
Is that what I want?

Of course not.
A silly question.

Today of all days I wish to be just a fictious character.
Written in ink, snippets of my life stamped across creamy paper...
the story.
I can see it even now.

And as things started to return to normalcy,
the foolish teenager second guessed herself.
Rebuilding the foundation that was once strong,
into a weak and crumbling,
yet majesticaly crafted lie.
The things most cherished,
forgotten.
The hates and dislikes embraced
with indifferece...

I really dont want to be this lifeless me.
I want to be free.
Like Dollface.
Like Gowri.
Like everyone I see at school, smiling so free.
Weightlessly floating through an existance that seems like nothing.
Gently shoving aside any irritants,
and flourishing into mindless adults at a startingly slow pace.

I dont really want that either, I think.
But perhaps it would be nice to try it...
to know.
Is the grass greener?
The sky brighter?
Hope looms closer when evils do
decide to take action and root deep unto your heart?

I am not as strong as I'd like to appear.
I can't let those closest to me in.
I cannot handle a meer weather pattern.
Fatigue and stress are visible in my smile,
in the circles under my eyes.
In my desire...
in my desire?
For what?
The future.
A time when perhaps I'll be okay.
A time when maybe I have a boyfriend and more then one 'real' friend.
That marked passage so sacred..so wanted.
Desire.

And now...it aches.
I wish even more to be a character,
a figment of imagination.
Created and put through the motions.
The happy endings always occur there,
even under the bleakest conditions, you know it lurks.
Real life has no such garantee.
I've no safe guard like so many 'heroic'
females that really do not save themselves.
Just have some sort of
epiphany and the story ends.

I'm afraid.
Of how it will end this time.
This time.
Like this is all routine now..
but Iam terrified.
Only once before.
And even then, I was still denying.

Who to tell..
who to tell.

My safe-guard.
Who?
I've no idea.
Gowri..so smart, yet so stupid.
Not wise enough to offer any guidence, but a good ear to ramble to.
My mother. So...distracted.
So out of the loop.
Not until the problem stares head-on does she react.
My father? Of course not.
My brother? No. It'd be a joke.
Jenn has enough problems..
and that leaves me with perhaps dollface.
But since discouvering she is well wanted,
it seems shes not much time for me
anymore.

Thats how it always starts.

How it always ends.
Even if I break it apart,
no matter who it is..
they are never as deeply cut as I am.
Me.
So fragile.
So strong.
A pretender.
Weak and wanting.

I want to reach...
to stretch towards comfort.
But perhaps I need to stand alone.
Though...I am unsure if I could stand without shaking.
Starting and earthquake and tumbling apart..
not just me, but my world.
School.
Friend.
Family.

I'm failing three courses.
Only one matters to me.
French.
My ticket into university.
That requirement I try to meet so furiously.
189 days...

A month and week or so.
All thats left.



Summer.
Not a bright door waiting to bring relife.
This time,
a cold dread I shudder to meet.

"Are you all right?"

She senses it.
She knows.
The one I never can trust.
Mother.
But I'm not ready to stop pretending.
And I wish she would just read my mind and solve the problems.
They want me to be grown up.
But I'm sick of acting as an adult.
I want to act my age for once.
An 8th grader without a care.
With friends and relationships,
with secrets and rumous to spread.
Without being bored..
with money and nice things..

One day.
But I'm starting to think that
maybe,
just this once,
'one day' might be coming
too late.

Thinking alot today.
Feeling..kinda down I guess.
I miss Thea.
Hell, she put me through so much..
but.. I miss her.
I really, really do.
I know I should just like..forget about it, and move on and just... not care.
But I can't help it.

LOL.
WHATEVER.
I dont care.
(Riiight. I'll just keep on saying that.
Maybe I'll start to believe it.)

Anyway.
Blastin' some JMAC.
Lol.

"Crazy, lets do something maybe..
please don't take your time.
You've got me
RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT MEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Yeahh.
I know.
It's a little too much.
I dont care.
This my friends, is THAT phase.
The one where I pretend and eventually believe.