Tany;


I don't want to talk to you.
And I don't want to see you.
I never would've done to you what you did
to me today.
You were cowardly and awful to me, jenn, chris, etc. just
so that you wouldn't get in as much trouble.
I don't care if you were scared.
I don't care if you're sorry.
I don't care if you aren't sorry, also.
I don't care anything about you right now.

Because you got my mom involved, and now
I'm being forced to pick sides.
And I have to listen to them both, bitch about each other.
And I can't handle it.
I can't.
And I can't handle you.

Always saying how much you suck, and always saying how your life sucks, and blah blah blah.
Whining about it won't fix anything.
My life sucks just as much as yours, if not more... but it doesn't fill my every waking moment.
You complaining all fucking day long makes me think about my own lousy life and my own lousy self, and I don't want that.

We even talked about things.
How it isn't fair how we always talk about
things you like, but never my things.
And still, you never brought anything up.
You let the silence stay as silence all the time.
I'm tired of it.

You are my bestfriend...but am I yours?
The way things have been going lately, it hasn't
seemed that way.

I'm pissed and I'm hurt, and I hate how you let yourself come off as oh-so innocent
and how you didn't say a word in defence when your brother was there.
And he kept saying you were 13, when you aren't.
He's an idiot.
He just kept yelling and he didn't listen.
And then he insulted my sister, without even any reason.

And because of all this, I probably won't even be allowed to be your friend.
But I guess you probably don't care about that.

Sleep With Dreaming.

- Beirut -- A Sunday Smile.
-- Postcards from Italy
-- Canals Of Our City.

- City and Colour -- Bring Me Your Love - Tack 2 -12.

-Blink 182 -- I Miss You.

-Dear and the Headlights -- Run In The Front.
-- Daysleeper.

-The Dears -- You and I.

-Alexisonfire -- Rough Hands.

-All Time Low -- Six Feet Under The Stars.

-The Boy Least Likely To -- Hugging My Grudge.

-Kanye West -- Heartless.

-Beach House -- Gila.
-- Lovlier Girl.

-Weatherbox -- The Drugs.

-Shout Out Louds -- Very Loud.

-Cobra Starship --The Kids Are All Fucked Up
--You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away.

-Fall Out Boy -- The (Shipped) Gold Standard.

-Interpol -- Heinrich Manouver.

-M.I.A. ft. Lil Wayne -- Paper Planes. - This always gets stuck in my head. Blame Jenn and Chris. =/

-N.E.R.D. -- Everybody Nose.

-M83 -- Graveyard Girl.

-Scarlett Johansson -- Falling Down.

-Theory Of A Deadman -- So Happy.

-Tokyo Police Club -- In A Cave.

-Unkle Bob -- What Do I Know.

Sorry, I got distracted with making my playlist.
Not to mention the computer was lame a lot, so I got set back.

Waiting for the MP3 to erase, then setting on a sick playlist.
It's awesome.
It's got everything.
I ended up writing it out as I was going, so I had it just incase it didn't save,
and it's all fancy on the paper.
I wrote the numbering in french, haha.
Spelling isn't right, but I could say it properly.
I forgot 14-16 though, so I just wrote the numbers in.

Appearantly it will take like 4 minutes still for everything to erase, which is lame.

Anyway.
I had a weird dream the other night.

I was me/my character in the roleplay with Dollface (Audrina, duh. It wasn't like that one time when I was a boy in a dream) and Jacob was there, and someother people but I don't remember who exactly.
And it was weird.
We were on the skytrain, going over the bridge.
Which I hate IRL too, but I'll elaborate on that later.

Anyway.
Something happens, and suddenly the train just stops.
And it's all scary.
And then the bridge breaks, and somehow we all end up on like, this beach/cliff/foresty area which looks like a mixture of my old backyard when I was five, and this meadow at camp and this hiking spot at camp. So it was weird.
Oh yeah, and me/audrina was a vampire.
And like, later we ended up on the patio of the olive garden.
But it didn't look like the olive garden, it looked like someones house mixed with this like...
this restaurant I saw on TV once.
You know, that show on the food network where that Gordon Ramsey guy makes a restaurant better? That one. It was called the old stone mill or something. Anyway.
Yeah.
And then like, there was something about me staying behind, and someone chasing...
and it was just weird.
It was like, I was half awake and my mind was writing it as I was dreaming it.
Because sometimes it would just stop, and something would change.
Or there would be this other random voice like a narrator only it was kind of two people..
andway. Or there would be this random voice and it would say something like "And then Jacob sees his mom!" and then that would happen and all of a sudden the scene changed into something else.
At the part when he saw his mom, btw, it was that we were hanging from these cables that appearantly were a part of the bridge, and I was like a vampire so I could hold on a lot.
And then like, it was just weird.
Somehow we ended up in the water because someone fell, and it dragged the whole thing down, and then we're in the water.
And we're swimming. And I guess we were stranded or something.
Because all of a sudden the like, cable was all tight in the water and we
were like "OH, IT'S ATTATCHED! WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE SHORE!" and started swimming, and then there were these fair haired white people with curly hair and afros and they were in wet suits and they had white sunglasses on, and they were standing in the water.
But I/we didn't notice that at first...and it was just so weird.

I've found that my mind has been wandering like that lately, like, random ideas will just come to me. Most of them are nonsense, but I'll probably bring a few up whenever Amy finally gets back on.
So yeah. That's sort of my weird dream.
I'm going to post my playlist then go to bed, because I'm tired.

"It's been getting late for days.."

- 'Six Feet Under The Stars' - All Time Low.



I hate this band, I know.

But I never did really attempt to try again.

And, they are touring with FOB.

I'll have to deal with it, so I might as well try.

I gave the same chance to Hit The Lights,

didn't I?



Just got back from a little 'roto' action out in the front.

That sounds so dirty, but I swear it's not.

Only it is, because I really shouldn't be doing things like that.

Gowri will know what I'm talking about.

Same thing we went at in the van this morning, only less

shotgunning...because of course, Tan wasn't there!



Haha. When Dollface reads this, she'll be so confused.

And I'm letting you know now: I'm not going to explain further,

because I'm pretty sure my husband would disapprove...

even though we never really have talked on the subject.



Speaking of talking.

Me and Tan talked about some stuff yesterday night.

It was awkward, but good all the same I suppose.

She was cranky with me all day today.

AND, hit me hard in the face. It was more like a scratch combined with a slap,

and it left me with a mark in my face.

It's still kind of sore.

But it makes me look mysterious, because it's in such an awkward place.

(since the scratch is a bit below my eye, kind of near my nose but not really)



Making a playlist for the mp3.

I haven't been able to find the ipod charger, really sucks.

I'm wearing my 'trendi' pj's, blue froggy bottoms that are kind of like sweats with how they fit,

and my gray billabong hoddie.

I'm glad I got this sweater.

It looked like such a waste when I first tried it on and it didn't fit how I wouldn't liked.

But now I like how it's tight.

It took awhile, but I wore it in just right and now it fits quite comfortably.

Even out in the cold winter night, I was still toasty warm.



Got the internet to work, kind of.

Wireless isn't up, so I'm currently not as mobile as I'd like..

but I can do things uninturrupted for the most part.

Something really is wrong with my computer, but I don't think it's

a virus anymore.

I think it's simply my laptop wearing down.

It's in awful shape the way the kids always bang it around...

etc, etc.

If I do too many things at once or play games, it doesn't work for long.

Gets over-heated or something before long and shuts off.



Yeah.

That's what I think it is, and it makes sense so it's probably right.

I'll have to get something new soon, because this really doesn't work.



I think I'll sleep like this.

Wearing my sweater and pants, and not use any blankets.

They aren't as good, they always fall off or aren't covering me, or whatever.

Because I move around so much, you know.

So I just can't be as cozy.

We'll see how this works.



Another thing about how I'll sleep...is that I want to listen to Beirut and City and Colour.

Mainly because I was thinking about how I haven't listened at all to 'bring me your love' for quite awhile. Beirut because I think the two shall compliment eachother beautifully.

I'll post the entire playlist in all it's glory when I'm finished, I promise.



I had a strange dream the other night.

Today,

I stashed $5 in my Sing It Loud CD.
(:

Also, I never blogged about Believers Never Die.
Hmm.

Felt really awful around 8pm.
My cramps started up again.
I don't think I blogged about how yesterday
I had cramps so awful I was crying.
They were so bad, I couldn't think.
Couldn't relax, couldn't sit still, couldn't breathe,
couldn'y eat, couldn't drink, could barely blow my nose.

I was curled on my bed, pulling my hair.
Listening to Stars and whimpering.
Mom sat with me for awhile, rubbed my back.
I asked her to bring the kitty in to me,
and she did.
And I gave him my love and I pet him and
talked to him and tried to be distracted.
He loved me and meowed, and I felt better for a bit.

I read the book I got on Sunday.
I was out with Clive that day.
We went into Fort Langely, where eveything was old.
Ate in a cafe.
I had sweet waffles with tart fruit on it to contrast...
and with cream.
He had a chicken and vegetable pot pie with a side salad,
and we both had this weird orange pop that came from
New Jersey and was made with 'natural flavours' and cane sugar.

After that we strolled down the quaint little main street,
going in a vintage toy shop with Jewish rubber duckies,
tin robots, puppets, spinning tops, doll houses, bubbles,
squishy worms, chattering teeth, bouncy balls...anything you could imagine and then some.
We also went into an amazing hat store, with tons of things of all different varieties.
Adjacent to the hat store was a cranberry place that's like the honey bee center, if you've ever been there. In the honey bee center there's everything to do with bees. Honey in jars, honey in lipbalm, honey in candy. Beewax candles, beewax lipbalm, beewax lotions, beewax leg wax, everything. That was how the cranberry store was, only with cranberry stuff.
Candles, crackers, jam, syrup, cranberry flavoured honey, crisps, lipbalm,cereal, the kitchen sink....you get the idea.

And there was a bookstore there that was also a cafe, which was cool.
Saw a funny book in there called the facebook book.
But I didn't get it.

We went to the antique mall,
which is really just this huge building filled with antiques.
They make little sections all around, like little rooms almost,
made from blocking off certain sections with bookshelves, counters,
etc. And then things just kind of....decorating the huge space.
It's all put in some kind of order of things that go together,
and some of the things are locked up.
They have cheap things, expensive things, odd things, funny things,
anythings, really.
Lots of china dolls, lots of pretty old fashioned mirror and brush sets.
Clothes, books, vintage posters, dolls, furniture, salt shakers,
collectables, christmas things, there was an even an oven there, I think.
I want to go back whenever I end up living on my own, because that
would be the best place to find cool things to put in a home.
I can't wait until I have my very own space to decorate.
Doing it at home isn't the same, because things can only be in one room,
and I don't really have the space in my one room that I get.
Plus, to start decorating at the beginnging of moving in would be so much better.

Anyway. We ended up going to home depo, because Clive needed this special lightbulbs for the downstairs of his house.

After that we drove to the Chapters that's in langely.
He got a latte, I got my signature Vanilla latte.
They were hot, it burned my fingertips.
We browsed the books.
I went and looked at 'The Zombie Survial Guide' but ended up choosing
'Bog Child' by Siohban Dowd or something like that. I'm lazy to get the exact spelling,
but yeah.
It was a pretty good book.
Something I never usually would've gotten,but I decided just to get whatever caught my eye.

The main character was a guy, and his name was Fergus.
Fergus, lol. I know, right?
When I was in the cafe/bookstore, I saw another book about someone
named Fergus. I almost ended up getting that one too.
Anyway.

It's about this 18 yrold guy names Fergus. He lives in Ireland in 1981,
when there was this war/dispute/whatever going on between the north and south.
Blah blah blah, politcal turmoil.
He and his uncle go to this bog thing, and dig some turf for fires out of where
this company digs it out.
This is illegal, but whatever.
And then Fergus finds this girl,
and her legs are all chopped off from this JCB machine or whatever,
but she had been dead for a VERY long time.
Like, they figured when Jesus might have lived or something.
And then all this stuff happens and blah blah blah.
It all starts out making sense and fitting together,
but then it all just kind of doens't go together,
and it's sort of weird.
Kind of made me feel like the messege was: "You're just paranoid when you think things aren't just a coincidence, and that it all matches up."

So yeah.
I don't know.
I'm tired and hurting.
I think I'll try to relax and then go to bed.

Oh, and I forgot.
When I was making my bed just a few moments ago,
Amy's Christmas Card fell off the wall.
I wonder if I can take that as a sign that she's coming back to us soon...

"There is no such thing as a bog child."
But my mind pushes, relentlessly holding on to logic,
to fact. A brain knows no such thing as hope, or
reassurance. Those come from the heart.

"There are such things as bog children."
This I know, the story was based upon events that had happened
real-time about 27 years ago in a foreign land of green
and turquoise.

"But there's no bog around here..."
And so the bump I heard in the navy-dark night was not
a dwarfish thing crawling from the dirt of another time...
it was only that: a bump in the night.

"Only there is a bog. In delta. Don't you remember? That time there was a fire there
and the smoke blew in on the wind, like butterflies with wings of lead."
In this instant I wish I'd left the ending for the true-morning.
For a time with light and more comfort then a chilly bed and a song in my ears.

"It's a nouveau show, and the stars are gone...
Elevator, elevator...

Take me home."

I find my bravery, and sit up. Light spills from the screen of my MP3, and I squint into the dim blueness, trying to see. Searching for leather faced kids.

The light coming in from the crack under the door shifts, and my vision blurs.

I imagine something lurking there, ready to drag me into vintage mud littered with dead dreams and wisps of love.

The dark is sly. It moves like water nudged by the wind, moving across my eyes and

leaving me unsure. Like a cloudy day, my vision is clear only for a moment, because soon the haze moves back and rekindles the sparks of fright.

I sit up a bit more, and my feet dangle over the edge of the bed. My legs are nearly bare, the paleness gleams. A breeze blows, real or imagined, and it spooks me. But I grit my teeth and swallow my fear, rewind the track and gingerly stand.

Fingers stretched out, and toes pointed. Like I'm blind, I reach.

Like I'm dancing, I reach. I feel the light switch. Flick it on.

And my fairy tale nightmare slips away.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I finish writing pages 1-3, and get up off the bed again. My legs feel heavy. I am no longer dancing as I move back to the light and switch it off.

But when the darkness reappears and I've slid under the covers, it again feels like another time.

Everything is breathing but my breath is gone. The night is like an unwanted caress, and I wish sleep could beckon more convincingly. I wish the sandman would drag me, kicking and screaming into dreamland. Instead, I turn on the TV. The light is too bright for my eyes, and the room looks eerie with most of it in shadow. But I take no notice and reach for my pen...images of fine china dolls and my hand moving across the page lingering in my mind even as I set the paper aside and try again...

"Give a little more then you like."

'Gila' -- Beach House - not sure if I already have a post called that or not. Either way, I don't care. Love that song. -

So, besides everything, I thought I should actually blog.

The night of my second last post, when I got into my bed, it felt like a strangers bed.
It felt..like a strangers room.
But after a day of driving yesterday (it wasn't /really/ yesterday, since it's 1AM now..but you know what I mean, yeah? Yesterday to yesterday.)
my room feels like home again. Now a home I'm pleased with, since it's a huge disgusting mess,
but a home all the same.

I'd clean, but I have the worst cramps.
I feel disgusting, so I will not be doing that anytime soon.

Today wasn't a very good day.
But I decided I just don't care right now, or any time in the very near future.
Maybe I'll start caring again sometime in march.
Who knows.
Who cares.

Got James to go to the wal-mart for snacks.
Only problem was, it was just about to close.
We ended up with only one thing
I'd asked for. Not very happy with that,
but the snacks weren't a total loss.
BTW, if you didn't figure it, Tany is here.
But I bought the food.
I still had money, surprisingly.

The other day, I bought some stuff.
Hair ties, the new seventeen, a razor, a kitkat bar, a jug of milk.
The milk was for the house, everything else strictly personal.
I think that two pieces of the kitkat are still in the
pocket of my billabong sweater...hmm.

Dinner tonight sucked.
Shake and bake chicken, corn and rice.
Jenn was going to buy pizza for everyone, but then everything
was stupid because mom was bitching.
I think it was a bit my fualt, because my pissed me off
and I got mad at her.
She was ashamed, and knew she was in the wrong with me...
so she didn't get mad at me.
She took it out on Jenn instead.
Which isn't fair, at all.
And part of the reason I won't care for this next little while
is because that maybe it is a bit my fault,
so then I can prevent some things.
Which I would like to do, and so I shall.

Missing a camera. Any camera would do.
I'm really getting into the prop arrangement shots
that I've been seeing around.
Like what Jen over at my polaroid blog usually does.
I kind of already did some, with my 'things in my pocket right now'
photos. I'd like to do some more of that sort of thing, but...
yeah. Webcam is currently being a nargis.

Went with Jenn that day that I drove around with them to this tattoo parlor so that she
could get her ones fixed.
It's kind of a friend of theirs, so that's why I could go in there.
Since usually I wouldn't be able to, since I'm a kid.
Plus, it was like 11-12am so no one else was there besides their friend and his dad.

I've had a song stuck in my head. 'Untouched' - The Veronicas.
Not my usual thing, I know. But from all the driving the stuff on the radio
has been in my head.
Right now though, I'm listening to 'Bruised' by The Bens.
Which I'm kind of loving a lot.
They aren't even /really/ a band, lol.

Not really sure what to say about.
Except for my next post will be about Believers Never Die.

Hope I Didn't Wake You Too Soon...

HIDWYTS.

What is that? Of course, you want to know.

Me and Tany were talking about how she used to have only a hate blog and how I would
type it for her, and we would do that.
It was a cool thing we did together, it was a neat way that we bonded.
So, we've kind of got that again.

Two things we both like: food & music.
With splashes of photography.

More specifically, it is a blog about a breakfast we shall share once a week.
We'll set a place setting all nicely, in an interesting spot.
Make food that's good and something different each time.
Take pictures somehow of it, that shall be interesting.
I'll make a playlist each week,
and we'll both come up with the food we'll make.
Pictures would be up to me, probably.
It'll take us a while to set it up...
but we have the blog set up for whenever we are ready.