Only I don't love being selfish.
Because honestly, I couldn't be more of a people pleaser.
More of a liar.
More of an unlikable person.

I talk too much.
I know too much.
I think too much.
And not even on the 'right' things.
There's so much time that I waste on
wondering what other people
think of me.
I'm not brave.
I want to be, but...I'm not sure how much that counts anymore.
I'm not sure of anything.

I just keep isolating myself, that I do know.
And I do this because...I can't have faith in people that they'll know what to say.
That they'll...care. Or...I dunno.
I just...there are certain reactions I get when something isn't right, and I don't like it.
Because it doesn't help any, and it makes me feel even worse.

Right now there isn't anything I want more then just..a book.
I want to put the headphones on, curl up and read myself away into some other place.
Some other person's life. Someone who hopefully is more messed up then me, so that I can get that sick satisfaction that I'm not as fucked up as I could be.

I feel lost. Pathetic.
Like all those other months when it was gloomy.
I don't want this.
I was so sure...so sure it wouldn't be like this this time.
Wish I had been right.

I am right.

Law of attraction, right?
As long as I can try and believe it I have a chance.

"The morning's hot and harsh,
my notebook fills itself.
The words come thick with sweat,
it feels like someone elseis writing all of this,
someone I just can't believe.
When I mop my brow,
set my pen back down,
Still me, still me.

And I'm grabbing at a feeling now
that I can't ever name.
Some sign post to remind me
how I wanted things this way.

And she said, it's pretty
but you hate yourself,
I can hear it clear as day.
And I say, a sin like this,
it sounds worse than it is.
I'm okay, okay.
I'm okay, okay.
Just stay, just stay."

'Just Stay' - Kevin Devine.

Yeah, I guess I am okay.
Cool.

I love being selfish.

I am not having a good day.
And I just can't help but think that it's going to get worse.
I'm starting to think I just.have a real problem.

People make me so uncomfortable. I can't...
look at them. I can't deal with them.
They're annoying, and...the things they do.

I feel like there's alost of...miscommunications in our society.
Like if you explain about things and how you feel and it happens to be that
you dislike it, you're complaining.
And if you need support while you're doing something, you need someone to hold your hand.

It's not fair when people play favourites.
Or assume things, just because of one aspect of your life.
My mother is so seeing, and yet...so unseeing. So blind and
so deaf and so mute.
She sees that I don't like confrontations, that I feel uncomfortable
so many times.
Knows I'm not happy alot of the time.
She does nothing.

I thought she was coming to the school with me.
She isn't.
Thinks I can do it alone.
I don't think I can.
I'm not ready to be the person that can.
I'm not ready to be the one that goes and talks and
is grown up.
I never got a chance to not be that person - I'm sick of her.

Feels like I've grown up too fast.
It feels like there's no going back now.

It feels like the fall is starting to get to me.
And it feels like I can't tell a soul.

First Poem I've Written In Months.

'I don't know how to do my own laundry'

So many things I could say...
But insteasd I'll keep my
Mouth shut
& Push you away.
Like you want - I'll stand alone.
I am afraid.
I am just a child.
Only pretending.

New/10.

I've decided you'll get songs whenever I feel like it, but atleast once a week.

Because lately I've just been going on music binges.

So here's some of the new songs I'm loving.

---

'Oh No' & 'It's Getting Easy' -Dear And The Headlights.

'Blue Diamonds' - The Long Winters.

'Orchids' - The Lovely Feathers.

'Manitoba' - Tapes 'N Tapes.

'I Sing I Swim' - Seabear.

'Sayonara' - The Operation M.D.

'We Win (Ha Ha)' - Thunderbirds Are Now!

---

I made a cute little dollie.

Lastnight and I finished it this morning. (:

New/Phresh.

Click that.
It's a screenshot of an email my guitar instructer sent,
telling me 'Great!'
and that's it.
WHO DOES THAT?
Just a one-word email?!?!
Such a waste of time!

And my courses.
it's set up so lame.
Like, seriously.
I thought i handed in my assignments and it didn't go.
So then I had to fucking re-send it and shit and it made ME look like an idiot.
And fuck damn shitty fucking fuckers.

AND then there's my math teacher, who wants me to come in for orientation like a loser.
It's like "Well, fuck you too then."

And fuck. Tomorrow i'll be there from like 3-7.
Bunch of shit.
I'm pissed off.
This is not cool.

But..okay. Whatever.
Whew.
It's done for now.
Over with.
I'll just forget about it.

Best Moment of September.

This one wins, hands down.

10. [even though the week isn't over, you can just deal with it.]

'Fall From A Star' - Kill Paradise.
'Black Dirt' - Sea Wolf.
'Bag of Hammers' - Thao Nguyen.
'Classifieds' & 'Automatic Eyes' - The Academy Is...
'Sentimental Heart' - She & Him.
'Don't Make me Wait' - Locksley.
'Can You Keep A Secret?' - The Cab.
'I'm Shakin' - Rooney.
'Spin [Live]' - Taking Back Sunday.
'Bang Bang' - Armchair Cynics.

Interesting Fats:

I'm making a video for Black Dirt. I'm half done. It rocks.

Armchair Cynics is from BC.

In 'I'm Shakin', They say the line 'The neverending story, with Atreyu' and it cracks me up each time. (:

"What would you pay to make everyone forget everything about you?"

Hm. Good question.

I don't think I would pay, I think I'd save my money

and buy something worthwhile.

Like clothes or shoes. Or music.

Because everyone not knowing anything about me would be totally lame, and annoying.

If Tany ever forgot all about me I couldn't get her to order for me at places anymore.

And that'd suck, because sometimes you just don't want to say shit to the annoying servers.

New/Fresh.

.

Eugh.
I'm sick.
And you know, that totally sucks.
And you know what else?
I fail at conversation.
Seriously. This totally cute boy from Edmonton, Jason was talking to me on MSN today.
And like, I dunno.
It was stupid. Conversation went something like this:


Him: Hello.
Me: Hey.
Him: How are you?
Me: Eh. Could be better, I think I have a cold.
Him: That's like the exact thing that's happening to me.
Me: Yeah. I dunno. I know like a billion people who are sick, I guess something is just going around.
Him: I bet you're still as cute as ever though.
Me: Well of course. Cuteness isn't something easily gotten rid of, afterall.
Him: I was complimenting you. You didn't have to get so scientific.
Me: I was joking. I didn't mean to be technical.
Either way, thanks.
Him: You're welcome, either way.

And then I just was like' ugh, fuck this' and blocked him.
Was it me, or was it him?
Are my jokes not funny?
I don't really care right now, to be honest.
I feel too sick.
My head hurts and I'm too warm.

I have The Sound Of Music on DVD from the time me and BERNICE went to superstore.
I think I'll watch it.
Or something.