"And now we pass/and just like glass...

I see through you/and you see through me like I'm not there//"
'Glass'- Ingrid Michaelson.

I'm not invisible anymore.
At least not to me.
And I think that helps me shine a little brighter.
And if eyes should widen and words would turn to a hush,
I know I'll be alright.
And if I won't be,
I don't care.

I'm tired of being unhappy due to someone elses mistakes.

Songs I wish were on the ipod*/
Current playlist//

'Disloyal Order of Buffaloes' - Fall Out Boy.
'Metropolis' - Faded Paper Figues.
'Lover's Spit' - Broken Social Scene.
'You're All I Have' - Snow Patrol.
'Hands Down' - Dashboard Confessional.
'Waste Myself' - This Providence.
'America's Suitehearts (Acoustic)' - Fall Out Boy.
'Keep Yourself Warm' - Frightened Rabbit.
'Crown Of Love' - This is Ivy League.
'The Garden That You Planted' - Seawolf.
'Canals Of Our City' - Beirut.
'Glass' - Ingrid Michaelson.

*I lent the cord for the ipod to Chris, since he has a shuffle but not the cord for it. I forgot to take it back with me when I got home.
Very much missing it.

---

Listening to that all then heading to bed.
Lull myself to sleep with some crap that's on the ipod.
Nothing I want is there right now.
Besides the FaD stuff, Broken Social Scene, This Is Ivy Leauge and maybe 'Keep Yourself Warm'
5/12 ain't bad, yeah?

Fat cat is asleep on my bed a bit away.
My back hurts from sitting the way I'm sitting.
Itchy from not being settled into my home life.
Sick of the holidays.
I know tomorrow isn't going to be the homey loveliness
I always invision.
Our tree still isn't decorated, since I didn't do it.
My mother has a cold.
As far as I know, I don't really have any presents.
Yet.
Appearantly their working on it.
I could cry.
For thinking that they would rather squander their money away on something else
this whole month and then worry last minute about something
as important as this is truly saddening.
But I won't think of it.
I'm sick of thinking about it.
About anything to do with them.
But I can't stop now,
because the floodgates are open...
So.

I hate to realize that they really don't know me.
I hear all the failed present attempts,
and it just hurts.
Britney Spears tickets.
A printer.

What good are those things to me?
Well.
I mean, that I would love Britney tickets.
They would make Tany so happy.
But...can't I just be selfish for a moment?
Can I just say that I would love for there
to be something there tomorrow morning
that I didn't ask for, but love entirely?
I don't want to have to ask for what I want.
It's silly, but...I wish they could just know.
Know me. And know what my heart desires.
Even Tany was a slight disappointment.
But how could I be angry, when she tries so hard?
It's the same for my family.
How could I be angry, when it's nothing they can help?
The reasons I'm left unknown, they can't be fixed.
It'll stay this way.
No matter how much I'd like to hope,
it just won't magically change one day.

I don't get it.
When I'm here, it aches.
I feel like a dull, muted version of myself.
But I feel alive. The stark contrast between
me and them shows me that yes,
I can feel. Yes, I am here.
At Jenn's, I feel too free.
Too light. Like it's not happening.
Like any second I could just up and drift away into the sun.

It's cold in here.
Soon I'll have to give in to sleep's beckoning hand
and just fall away.
If I could sleep forever and just dream,
I think I would seriously consider it.

There's no one to talk to.
Everyone is busy, with one thing or another.
It feels a bit like being abandoned,
but I know I'm being thought of.
I hope I'm being thought of.


Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional?
His name reminds me of Ryan Cabrerra.
You know, that pansy that dated Ashloser?
Mhm.

Just thought of something I could add to that playlist.
Some The Scene Aesthetic?
Sounds good.


Or not.
I think I won't.
They don't appeal to me
as much as my brain made me think they would.

I'm so strange.
No one ever believes me of this, but it is true.
Here's a list of why.

- I like to stare at people whenever I'm in a car.
I just have to.I stare at the people driving,
the passengers, people walking..anyone.
I stare.

- It's hard for me to look people in the eye.
It feels like something to intimate.

- Same with touching. Touching other people
rarely feels natural. If they touch me,
I'm surprised. But it's nice.

- Talking. Either too much, or not enough.
Or my attitude is wrong.

- I get paranoid a lot and think that people might be
able to hear my thoughts. So I think about things
that might be interesting and try to keep my secrets
out of my head. This is not because of twilight.
I'm not sure /why/ this is.

- I'm lacking. I don't know what, but something.

- There's so many things in my head, it's hard
to shove them out comprehendably. A lot of the time
I think of things but don't say them,
or don't think and say something stupid,
or think very carefully and craft something
to amazing to be accidental and say it.

- I think a lot of the time that I could
very easily just become a big failure.
And as time goes on, that seems like a very
realistic reality.

---
And at the same time, I don't believe those things.
I refuse and just try to say "No, I am different."
Because I know that others want me to be different.
And I know that I can be.
And I know that I'm just hard on myself.
And I know, I know, I know.
Trust me, I do know.

Sorry if this bothered you guys or something.
I know, I can be upsetting.
I don't mean to be.
It just happens. I wish it weren't so.

Still killing time until the playlist is done.
3AM is a place I'd long forgotten.
I wish I could talk like this in real life.
I think if I did, you all would laugh in my face.

So good I am at distractions.
Anything to ignore how things are.
Sometimes I feel like I'm exaggerating.
But then I realize,
it's truth.
To some degree.
Every situation has things that balance it out, sort of.
Make it seem a little better.
Or at least like there is a reason.

You know why I like to stare at the people in the other cars?
It makes me feel like I've glimpsed a small part of their private lives.
The side of them that maybe no one sees.
I try to guess their stories and their hopes,
aspirations, dreams, wants, needs.
Sometimes there is someone interesting,
and when I have to look away, I'm a little saddened I didn't get
a chance to know them.

I think that my biggest wish right now
is just to have a moment that is real.
No cause, no effect.
No reason.
Just...something that became.
A serious moment that holds only truths.
Set at a dramatic setting,
somewhere were the pictures would turn out beautifully.
Somewhere were I was with someone that I loved, or could love.
A place where breakfast tastes even better then usual,
if that's possible.
I'm not sure if it is.

Right now, you know what would be good?
To be able to call up my bestfriends.
And for them to come over here because
I want them to.
And for us to stay up being crazy until
iHop opened, and then going over there
and having a semi-real moment.
Because I know everything in the criteria above isn't
possible.
You can't always get what you want.
But maybe life will give me a compromise.
Maybe I deserve to have at least that much.