I don't understand this feeling.
I just don't.
I don't get this.
It's not like something I can deal with.
Not like something that's a feeling
I've ever felt.
Isn't a part of me.
Isn't something I think about until I get it.
Isn't something that feels like it has a reason.
It's just here.
And we were just about to be going up there.
Jenn talked to her just last week.
And like...
I don't understand how james can not care.
How he's just like normal.
Eating and sleeping and watching TV
and making jokes like always.

He was in the kitchen and I was in the dining room (where I am sitting currently)
and he was saying about how she probably
died in her sleep.
But when I phoned Jenn to tell her the bad news she phoned
grandpa to make sure, I guess.
And to see how he was doing.
He said she went badly, in lots of pain.
So I said.
I was like "Jenn phoned grandma...
I mean grandpa. He said she went with lots of pain."
And he didn't hear me correct myself.
And just kept being like "She phoned grandma?"
"How did she phone grandma?"
And it's just I'm so used to hearing about phoning grandma,
I forgot.
It just slipped out.
And I was like "I said grandma at first
and then corrected myself. Stop acting like
an asshole and listen for once."

And he just got mad and called me a bunch of names and
was like "don't say shit to me just because you think
you're special..."
And I don't think I'm special.
I don't know why everyone thinks I do.
I don't know why I'm the favourite....


Just finished talking on the phone to various people.
And James took how he was being an asshole to a whole new level.
He was getting the phone from me
to phone god knows who.
Probably his fucking crack dealer.
Anyway, um..I was like "I need the phone, jenn will probably call."
And he was like "We have a double line."
and treating me like an idiot.
And then he took the phone and went into the kitchen.
And was like "Did you even know grandma?"
And I couldn't even say anything.
If I opened my mouth I would cry.
So I just looked away.
And he's like "You didn't even know grandma.
So I don't even know why you're all crying
and shit now."

And I just...snapped.
I couldn't take it.
I had a glass of sprite near by, and I just...my brain shut off.
I picked it up and just chucked it into the kitchen.
Grabbed my computer and by now I was crying.
So then, I just..yelled at him.
"EXACTLY. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW HER.
I'LL NEVER KNOW HER. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW OTHER PEOPLE CAN FEEL.
YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO THNK ABOUT
OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
I JUST FUCKING...GOD."

I was about to say I just fucking hated him.
But I didn't want to start a bigger fight.
So I just kind of ran into my room, sobbing my eyes out.
I threw my computer down on the clothes pile.
Tore down the purses I have hanging on the wall near my closet/door.
Tore down the coat /purse/scarf rack near the desk.
Ripped down the curtains around my bed.
Wobbled around kind of unsure and practically ripped off my new sweater
because it was wet.
Stumbled over to the closet and fell kind of slow motion
to my knees, still crying.
I cried a bit,
rocking back and forth, listening to the ipod.
And then...grabbed my computer.
Wiped off most of the pop that got on it.
My keyboard is sticky.
And um...yeah.
I'm just kind of sitting now.
I don't feel like I have the energy
to get up.
Like I have the energy to do anything.
That was the first time in forever
I'd actually been angry.
So angry.

I feel pathetic.
Lost.
Empty.
Truly and totally drained of everything.
Fuck, I need a hug so bad right now.
All I want is to just leave this house.
Go to Gowri's and just...cry.
And just..talk to her.
But I can't because my mom is on her way.
And Jenn is too.

I wish Amy were here.